[nicoleb2]

Doing a little better tonight. I know my daughter is very anxious about school starting tomorrow, so i think some of the behavior may stem from that, but it still drives me crazy.

I am in a lot of physical pain tonight.. which leads me to want to cut, because at least that i have control over, but i haven't yet, so hopefully i won't

[cin1]

since being here to post and read what others say has really helped me. i still have issues, with anger, but this is a positive in my life.

[Rose76]

I've continued to not be in the crippling depression that I was in. I am up and doing things everyday now. I am cleaning the heck out of my apartment and going through all kinds of piles of clutter, especially paper work, and gradually imposing some order on it. This is one of the most painstaking things I've ever tried to do. But it is a great feeling when I eliminate a pile of mystery documents. So I guess I'm kind of alright for the moment. Still, that anxiety lurks. If it can, it will pull me into a living Hades. So I try to keep too busy to heed it. Truly, it is the devil. Now I fall apart just having thought about it.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Doing a little better tonight. I know my daughter is very anxious about school starting tomorrow, so i think some of the behavior may stem from that, but it still drives me crazy.

I am in a lot of physical pain tonight.. which leads me to want to cut, because at least that i have control over, but i haven't yet, so hopefully i won't

doesn't cutting lead to more pain, which is why you cut in the first place, so round and round it goes? hope today is better. hope your daughter has a good beginning for school.. (when i was little, i couldn't get out the the bathroom because i was always anxious about school.) thank goodness those days are Over...

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I've continued to not be in the crippling depression that I was in. I am up and doing things everyday now. I am cleaning the heck out of my apartment and going through all kinds of piles of clutter, especially paper work, and gradually imposing some order on it. This is one of the most painstaking things I've ever tried to do. But it is a great feeling when I eliminate a pile of mystery documents. So I guess I'm kind of alright for the moment. Still, that anxiety lurks. If it can, it will pull me into a living Hades. So I try to keep too busy to heed it. Truly, it is the devil. Now I fall apart just having thought about it.

are you anxious of cleaning, or the clutter, or both/ it is easy for all kinds of stuff to pile up, good for you for making a dent in it. treat yourself to something nice, even taking a break for coffee or iced tea, whatever you enjoy. hope to hear of continued progress. i am sure you are ahead of that devil. may i be also.

[cin1]

i had a not so great night, up down, up down, never got enough rest, took a fourth of a lorazepam about 4 am, and now i am really sleepy. oh well.

[lifelesstraveled]

Hi!

I haven't checked in in quite some time, so I guess this thread is a good place for me to start!

• I think my depression and anxiety is coming back, but I am refusing to take my anti-d's because they make it hard for me to lose weight. I know this is a bad decision
• T was terminated a couple of weeks ago - my idea cuz I thought i was doing fine at the time.
• I honestly just want to feel NORMAL. I don't want to have to take meds and see a T.
• On a brighter note, I am on vacation. So maybe this vacay will adjust my mood a bit.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

Hi!

I haven't checked in in quite some time, so I guess this thread is a good place for me to start!

• I think my depression and anxiety is coming back, but I am refusing to take my anti-d's because they make it hard for me to lose weight. I know this is a bad decision
• T was terminated a couple of weeks ago - my idea cuz I thought i was doing fine at the time.
• I honestly just want to feel NORMAL. I don't want to have to take meds and see a T.
• On a brighter note, I am on vacation. So maybe this vacay will adjust my mood a bit.

who decides what is normal, does a person become un-normal because they take high blood pressure meds, or heart meds?? glad you are on vacation - hope the fun attitude lasts even after you get home.

[FourRedheads]

Our homeschool co-op started today. It went really well. I was surprised at how well it went. I didn't want to go and face my homeschooling friends. Just wanted to stay home with all this yuck. It takes so much energy to interact with people. But I forced myself to go and...it was okay. I'm glad for that.

[Rose76]

I have had a few years worth of "failure to file anything" consequent to having had my chronic depression/anxiety get worse past few years and cause me to somehow lose a bunch of good habits I used to have. So clutter built up to where I sometimes think it is beyond sorting out, which makes me very anxious and despairing. I tend to be kind of OCDish about having things in order.

Then I look at the news and see folks hit by huge disasters that cause massive upheaval in their lives. (Houses full of mud particularly horrify me.) And I realize that the great majority of them deal with it and clean up horrendous messes and are just glad to be alive and find a way to go on and stay, or get, organized enough to function and take care of their kids and elders. If so many of them can regroup and recoup, then it is hard to take my own despair as anything but a ridiculous over-reaction and disinclination to expend some effort.

Once I start going through one of the mess piles, the anxiety lessens. I've learned, also, to tell myself to hang in there because I may not see results for awhile, which I hate. Now that I see "zones of orderliness" here and there around the place, I am amazed that it was do-able, after all. The apartment is starting to look so good, I look around and wonder who came in and did this miracle? There is a lot more to do, and I can get down about that if I don't stay pro-active.

It is hard for me to do job hunting when my "base of operations" is chaotic. As the chaos gets sorted out, then I can focus my anxiety on being unemployed. Once again, I guess the choice is between despair over the problem verses actually applying myself to solving the problem. You would think that choice is a no-brainer, but I can go berserk in my perception that I have an insolvable problem.

I guess that is my basic phobic fear: that I am on the verge of facing the insolvable.

Feeling competent to solve problems has always felt like by greatest strength. Fear that I will be over-challenged one day by the insolvable is like a monster eating me alive from inside. Wisdom just knocked on my door. It said that problems respond to being worked on not to being worried about.

I haven't been out of the house since Sunday. I've barely left my room. Barely left my bed. I've been SI-ing again. Feel like crud.

[kaliope]

Rose76 - it really sounds like you are moving forward and taking control of your life. Congratulations!

I spilled my coffee all over my work schedule today. I should follow Rose's example and clear the clutter off my desk. I got monthly report coming up soon so organizing it all into files is necessary to have that done anyway.

Not sure I really want to work today. Thought I would go home early but then remembered I have to teach class tonight so wont be going anywhere soon. Darn.

[SilentLucidity]

T in less than an hour. No reply to my crazy email from yesterday. Trying not to panic about reading my letter. I'm not sure I can do it. I know I will be angry with myself if I don't. I think I'm going to get there early and try to just breathe.

[WePow]

Today I saw my T and got two hugs! I am so glad I asked him for another one.
I am so glad I let myself trust him. It helps me heal.

[laceylu]

Seeing floaters and having pain in my right eye. Switched Wednesday for Sunday at work so I could go to the eye doc tomorrow without calling off. T appointment on Thursday and pdoc on Thurs. Waited way to long for T appointment for my eye problems to get in the way. I have a 6.5 or greater myopia in my right eye and my mom had a retinal detachment. So needless to say I am at high risk for retinal detachment. Of course if it is a retinal detachment, I can just dissociate the surgery and then T can cure me!(lol). I am a hot mess.

[rainbow8]

laceylu, I hope your eye is okay!

I feel a huge sense of relief after my session today. I love the way my T makes it so easy to tell her ANYTHING! I've never felt that with any other T. I went to "my" lake afterwards and it was beautiful!! Since it's after Labor Day there were no lifeguards and I could go wading. There wasn't anyone else there so it was a little scary but it was another mindful experience for me!

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

laceylu, I hope your eye is okay!

I feel a huge sense of relief after my session today. I love the way my T makes it so easy to tell her ANYTHING! I've never felt that with any other T. I went to "my" lake afterwards and it was beautiful!! Since it's after Labor Day there were no lifeguards and I could go wading. There wasn't anyone else there so it was a little scary but it was another mindful experience for me!

i thought about you today and was wondering how your session went...

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by cin1

doesn't cutting lead to more pain, which is why you cut in the first place, so round and round it goes? hope today is better. hope your daughter has a good beginning for school.. (when i was little, i couldn't get out the the bathroom because i was always anxious about school.) thank goodness those days are Over...

Yes, cutting leads to more pain, but it's different. It's a pain I can control based on how,where,when I cut. It releases endorphins, which at least briefly make me feel better. Vicious circle, I know, if only knowing that were enough to get me to stop. That's not what I think about when I am cutting though.

Today has so far been a better day. My kids started school, so that was a relief. My mood is really flat though. I am not feeling anything at all... not happy, not sad, just kind of existing. I'm worried that it's the new med I started for sleep, but I'm going to keep trying for a while and see how it goes.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Yes, cutting leads to more pain, but it's different. It's a pain I can control based on how,where,when I cut. It releases endorphins, which at least briefly make me feel better. Vicious circle, I know, if only knowing that were enough to get me to stop. That's not what I think about when I am cutting though.

Today has so far been a better day. My kids started school, so that was a relief. My mood is really flat though. I am not feeling anything at all... not happy, not sad, just kind of existing. I'm worried that it's the new med I started for sleep, but I'm going to keep trying for a while and see how it goes.

you are in my thoughts.

[doogie]

Just sent a pissy email to my T. She totally didn't deserve it, but it's so hard to have all this "junk" and no outlet.

[cin1]

i have not much of a outlet for my anger. may be why i do dishes with such flourish i am wet afterwards. at times i think let it go , no one is worth this rage. but it is a moment by moment thing. just being around him can set me off, and him being outside can set me off too.

[kaliope]

Nicoleb2-so I understand the good feelings that come with cutting, but for many, there is the nurturing that comes after the cutting as well; the tending of the wounds. for me it was carefully bandaging them up and cradling my arm snugly against my chest, rocking myself softly whispering comforting words to the little girl that was hurt. I was so compassionate to myself at those times. Do you do that too? Because if that is part of the ritual could you find ways to be compassionate without cutting first?

i see pdoc tomorrow. only second time with him. not sure how it will go. nervous about it. want him to up my med from 150 to 400. i know 400 works, but i told him that last time yet he only gave me 150. and i want him to prescribe me about 15 klonopin to take as needed. i got rid of all my old drugs that i had stockpiled, including the klonopin. but i am afraid to ask thinking he will think i am a drug seeker. why cant this be easy.

[BonnieJean]

I saw my t today and won't see her again until the 19th.
She made me a purple and white macrame bracelet!!!! Don't think I'll ever take it off.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I saw my t today and won't see her again until the 19th.
She made me a purple and white macrame bracelet!!!! Don't think I'll ever take it off.

that is really nice.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Nicoleb2-so I understand the good feelings that come with cutting, but for many, there is the nurturing that comes after the cutting as well; the tending of the wounds. for me it was carefully bandaging them up and cradling my arm snugly against my chest, rocking myself softly whispering comforting words to the little girl that was hurt. I was so compassionate to myself at those times. Do you do that too? Because if that is part of the ritual could you find ways to be compassionate without cutting first?

i see pdoc tomorrow. only second time with him. not sure how it will go. nervous about it. want him to up my med from 150 to 400. i know 400 works, but i told him that last time yet he only gave me 150. and i want him to prescribe me about 15 klonopin to take as needed. i got rid of all my old drugs that i had stockpiled, including the klonopin. but i am afraid to ask thinking he will think i am a drug seeker. why cant this be easy.

the reason i see my dr. is for meds. he doesn't do therapy, just the meds. when something isn't right in that area, i talk with him about it.