[delicatefade26]

I am crashing after a week or so of hypomania-and it sucks!!! I'm so stressed out right now and I have so much going on-and one of the things that is stressing me out is my T-and I'm annoying the heck out of my friends and family b/c I won't shut-up about it-but I feel like I literally can't stop sometimes...I have to try to make sense of things or figure things out-or ask a million times if I should quit...or say that I'm so annoyed with him b/c of this this and this...I hate being such a pain...but I'm also in so much pain and confusion right now...I need to see T but I can't until Monday (and when I told my ma about it-she said I make way too big a deal out of it-and that I shouldn't get so worked up about not having a session...she doesn't get it

[nicoleb2]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Nicoleb2-so I understand the good feelings that come with cutting, but for many, there is the nurturing that comes after the cutting as well; the tending of the wounds. for me it was carefully bandaging them up and cradling my arm snugly against my chest, rocking myself softly whispering comforting words to the little girl that was hurt. I was so compassionate to myself at those times. Do you do that too? Because if that is part of the ritual could you find ways to be compassionate without cutting first?

I don't think that is it for me, i just throw a bandaid on and go to bed usually. Somehow it is relaxing to me. If i am really anxious, it solves the anxiety instantly. When I feel like I have no emotions, I cut just to feel alive... it's weird. I don't really know how to explain it

[Rose76]

I spent a good part of today in a very awful place. Having read my recent posts here and looked at the dates (real recent) - I am shocked that I could be that okay so recently and get to how I was today. I never journaled, so my posts here at PC are really my first time having some record of my thoughts and of my state of mind. I came back from a resume writing workshop feeling very discouraged about my employability. Other areas of failure came to mind. I almost went to the Psych Crisis dept, but I thought "What the heck can they do about my life?"

Starting to clean things in the apartment helped me be better. I got a lot better by late afternoon when I went outside to trim the rose bushes. Neighbors were friendly.

What stalks me is so malevolent. I am scared.

[SilentLucidity]

Not a good day. It's amazing how you can work so hard at tricking yourself into believing everything will be all right, how you can actually convince yourself that there is hope, then in an instant someone pulls back the curtain and the entire world is laughing at you. Life just isn't fair. The good guys don't always win. Hard work doesn't always pay off. And sometimes the one thing you've wanted your whole life will never be. I'm not sure why I'm being punished, but I am so tired of the indescribable heartache.

[Rose76]

It is 3:20 a.m. I am exhausted. My medication kicked it just find and now its a struggle to stay awake. I've been fearful of going to bed.

I got my mind busy and, when I did, that devil-thing left me alone. But for hours, I was tormented. I hate to go lie down and not know where I am going when I fall asleep . . . of what evil thing might be waiting in the back of my brain. The pdocs will never understand what an episode i went through today. they don't know how bad it gets. Maybe they do. I can't even type anymore. I got to go lie down. I hope eveyone else is sleeping okay this night. rose

I wish I could call in sick today, but I can't. Too much to do at work. I just want to stay in bed, in the dark, and sleep!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I wish I could call in sick today, but I can't. Too much to do at work. I just want to stay in bed, in the dark, and sleep!

You're actually lucky that you're being forced to get out and do your job. Hang in there.

[WePow]

Dad is still in hospital and they find out today how badly his back bone is fractured. It is the T10. My boss is on vacation starting today - until next Thursday. His boss talked with me yesterday... looks like I am kinda in charge. lol at self. I am very exhausted. I am also glad I set up a time for my T today. I need him.

Saw my T last night and will see him again tomorrow. He wants me to make changes. It's making me despondent and to hate my life even more. I am not sure that I can change; I certainly don't want to. I have never been a particularly socially sophisticated person; I'm not sure I have what it takes to be that way. I am feeling sad, sad, sad today.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

Saw my T last night and will see him again tomorrow. He wants me to make changes. It's making me despondent and to hate my life even more. I am not sure that I can change; I certainly don't want to. I have never been a particularly socially sophisticated person; I'm not sure I have what it takes to be that way. I am feeling sad, sad, sad today.

i am not a socially sophisticated person either and never will be, but over time i have made some progress in change, not how someone else wants me to be or thinks i should be, but because i am trying to work on areas i should. hope today is better for you..

[FourRedheads]

Leaving in a bit for my T appointment. Been thinking a lot about things. Thinking that so much of this is my fault in many ways. Need to say this to T but don't know if I trust her enough to talk about it. I'm really nervous about the appointment today..more than my usual fear. Trust is huge..maybe I should tell her that I don't trust her but that I'm working on it. Ugh. Why am I doing this? Going through this every week and spending the rest of the week obsessing about it. This can't be healthy.

[nicoleb2]

I see my T today. It's going to be a tough session.

I'm still exhausted from my new med and I took it at 7:30 pm yesterday...

[kaliope]

counting down the minutes till i leave to see pdoc. darn, i could have stayed in bed an extra 15 minutes. i hate it when i misjudge time, but i was so anxious.

this guy acts like hes so ameniable but i dont think he is. guess i will find out today. and then he will be gone and a new pdoc will take his place, so goes life in the state facility.

please please let him be agreeable today.

[Rose76]

My appointment with pdoc was canceled and put off for another month. (teaching hospital with psych facility) This happens to coincide with very bad relapse. I am better today than yesterday and it seems that I can counteract the anguish by finding an order-creating project to do around the apartment. The place looks good. There is still a formidable backlog of filing to do. And I must keep abreast of my job search duties. I requested a phone call from my pdoc, which can take days to get. But that's okay. I want to resume a med that was discontinued, but I don't regard that as urgent.

My campaign to get employed again will need me to make some phone calls that I am afraid to make. Severe social anxiety symptoms have started. Really, that is the bane of my existence more than the depression. I had to call someone last night about giving me a job reference, and I would have rather bit the head off a snake.

[kaliope]

Rose76I find your efforts in organizing your life and searching for a job commendable. keep up the good work!

saw pdoc. he spent another hour with me when typically old pdoc only spent 15-20 minutes. meds working? yeah. heres new script. out the door. this guy is actually doing therapy with me. gave me homework to do. i have to walk around building evrey day at work. go out with coworker once a week for lunch. go out myself 1-2 evenings a week, either to grocer or park or something and do one thing out of the home every weekend. he was happy that i did so much to challeng my anxiety since the last time i saw him even though i did not do everything we had discussed.

i talked to him about increasing my one med to 400 which he said hed do but then only increased to 300. dont understand why he didnt do 400. then he told me he wanted to take me off the haldol which i believe has been responsibl for saving me. he thinks i am over medicated, taking too many meds and the dose it so low that it isnt really functional. this scares me a lot. i said i would be willing. for now he just reduced the dose by half.

he wants to see me again in a month. its weird that i am stable yet he wants to spend so much time with me and see me so often. my old pdoc i saw for 15 min every 3 months or so.

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Rose76

My appointment with pdoc was canceled and put off for another month. (teaching hospital with psych facility) This happens to coincide with very bad relapse. I am better today than yesterday and it seems that I can counteract the anguish by finding an order-creating project to do around the apartment. The place looks good. There is still a formidable backlog of filing to do. And I must keep abreast of my job search duties. I requested a phone call from my pdoc, which can take days to get. But that's okay. I want to resume a med that was discontinued, but I don't regard that as urgent.

My campaign to get employed again will need me to make some phone calls that I am afraid to make. Severe social anxiety symptoms have started. Really, that is the bane of my existence more than the depression. I had to call someone last night about giving me a job reference, and I would have rather bit the head off a snake.

good for you for making the phone call. hope the job will be around soon.

[nicoleb2]

Saw my T today. Talked about the cutting and then moved on to other things.

We talked about the fact that a pastor at my church keeps stepping in and not letting me discipline my daughter (by doing things such as carrying her out of church when she acts out too much), and the same pastor then yelling at my daughter for asking a question.

T wants me to address the issue with this pastor, so we decided I will use a specific set of DBT skills and send the pastor an e-mail. Hopefully that will change things. I am SO angry at that pastor right now because she just doesn't know when to butt out.

I wish I could report that today was better, but it wasn't. I don't know what is wrong with me!!

[delicatefade26]

I have had a horrible evening...I got into a huge fight with my mom, then found out that I bounced checks and was charged overdraft fees that could end up being almost 200 bucks...I don't feel well at all...I got so worked up over the bank thing I hyperventilated and almost passed out-my stomach is hurting and my head is spinning. I'm beyond exhausted...I did decide to not go to work tomorrow...I just can't handle it
ohhh and my T did not email me back...again...I want to yell at him and be so mad at him and want him to hug me and let me cry all at the same time

[skysblue]

Noticing more my surroundings and a bit less in my head thanks to mindfulness study. See how many leaves on the tree, be aware of the breeze moving the puffy white clouds, observe how the birds enjoy their bath, sense those subtle sounds of nature - so apparent but so hidden when we're not paying attention. Life changes when we change where we look.

I'm buried under papers at school as grades are exported Monday. Will I get it all graded? Maybe. I came home absolutely wiped out today. We were supposed to go to the football game tonight, but it was out of town a fairly good distance away and being so tired we decided to just stay home. However, I'll be up late waiting in the parking lot for the busses to get back to school. It will be a short night. What is it about short work weeks that makes them so long?

[nicoleb2]

Still not really feeling any emotions.. just kind of flat and zombie like most of the time and I don't like it. Talked to T today though and agreed that I would try the new meds for another week...

[SilentLucidity]

Made it through today. Going to work was a good thing as it kept my mind off everything else for a while. I ended up emailing T to tell her I was not doing well. I haven't heard anything back. I would just like to hear a little reassurance from her.

[cin1]

i feel bad. i either have a sinus infection or maybe allergies. i don't take sick like this well at all.

[confuseduk]

Got all the way to T's office when I get a msg 2 say appoinment was cancelled no words