[cin1]

i am doing well today. about time .

I got glammed up and I put on my happy face, and I went out. It was awful. First there was all the crap I got for 'not drinking' -- even though I had 4 double vodka and cokes. I know my limits, and that was more than adequate! If I start to get drunk it always triggers panic attacks and I'm ALWAYS very very sick. I'm not even supposed to drink on my meds, and usually don't, but some people make a point of saying how I'm miserable or a party-pooper if I don't. (And I can't tell these people I have depression/anxiety so I have to act 'normal') So, they wouldn't take no for an answer and kept ordering me vokda cokes and I had to keep doing covert manouvres to the bar to swap for just regular coke. I started to feel queasy even so, with all that sugar and caffeine on top of the alcohol.

That was the least of my problems. I attracted all the wrong people. Men old enough to be my father behaving in ways that weren't very gentlemanly. One in particular, made several lewd (LEWD!) comments and displayed stalkerish behavior, followed me from bar to bar, making me very uncomfortable. There are too many perverted old men in the world.

Then I got hit in the face -- indirectly, as it was a rebound off of someone ELSE getting punched in the face -- but still.

My collar bone tattoo seemed to give people the idea that they could touch my chest/boob area. Not okay.

I got 'career advice' from some guy who wouldn't accept my non-commital responses as to why I'm not working - like I'm going to tell you my life story over a coke? And so I could feel my anxiety ramping up and up as I was forced to think about trying to find a solution to my work/career problems, all the while thinking 'people go out to work all week so they can look forward to THIS at weekends! I can't even handle THIS so how am I going to cope with work again?!' Ironically, this was the best and most genuine conversation I had all evening.

I dread to think of how bad I would have felt if I wasn't on beta blockers, as I spent about 7 hours straight on the absolute brink of a panic attack. I resorted to discreetly getting ice out of my drink and rubbing it on my wrists to try and calm down (as I heard that some people run cold water on their wrists to cope with anxiety? And that holding ice cubes is a coping method instead of SI. So it was a strange compromise of the two, and the only thing I could think of.) It seemed to work?!

And then my friend fell and we had to go get an xray. Cue a couple hours in A&E. Oh, and some random jerk tried to come home with us in the taxi.

And then I lay awake in someone elses house, whilst friends of friends I'd never met before had sex downstairs and took alternate trips to the bathroom to puke. Lovely.

For hours I prayed to be able to sleep, whilst my heart thudded at 100 miles an hour and I hoped the room wouldn't start to spin. I finally got to sleep only to be woken up just over an hour later after some messed up nightmares.

It was torture. The whole night was ABSOLUTE torture. And this isn't even the full story. There was other stuff too. I've probably already overshared!

Going out is meant to be FUN! Isn't it?!

I blame T. I could have had a quiet evening in front of the TV, but NOOOOO! 'Go out with your friends' T says. 'Shutting yourself away in your room is the WORST thing to do' T says. WELL!! T will be hearing about this!!

And my friend? 'Oh haven't we had a good night! You coming out again next week?' She wasn't even joking, that's the messed up thing. She actually thinks I'm going to go out with her in that town again. And I'm going to have to, unless I can think of a really good excuse. I can't even afford to go out like this, that's the darndest thing! I'd much rather spend what little money I (don't) have on other things - including therapy!! But I'm trying to do the 'right' thing by going out, 'living life', 'participating'... I don't wanna!

Am I just a really negative and miserable person, or what? I have the very strong inclination to believe that I'm the sane one and everyone else is crazy. Which is probably in of itself an indication I'm crazy. But this isn't normal life, is it? I've never had such a bad night out in my life. I can't cope with normal life if this is it.

OMIGOSH. Really long post. I just had to share, sorry, I really hope no one minds.

(((((Hugs to all. You all help keep me going )))))

[FourRedheads]

I haven't updated in awhile. It's a quiet Saturday at home here. Kids are content for now with their Legos. I've puttered around with the laundry and general housework. I'm trying very hard to keep myself grounded today. Lots of fear and anxiety. I hate this. It's a beautiful, just gorgeous fall day, and here I am battling the panic. I want to feel better. This is frustrating.

[OneRedRose]

To just some girl:

I am so sorry your night ended up being so horrible, I am not a drinker, so I dont go clubbing, although I used to drink and club but i find their are bad areas in clubbing where you will find that behaviour so I used to just go to more upscale areas, now my friends know I dont drink so they never ask me too, and luckily their friends understand that I do not drink and never force me(but if they buy shots they always get me a shot of water so i can join in, in the toasting), thats just out of respect? I dont feel like you were well respected that night but believe me, its not always like that i dunno where the hug smilie is so...*hug*

my update:

went down pub but werent feeling too great I normally have a cola but just stuck to water, infact I had one glass of water for 4 hours lol!, was nice to meet up with an old friend and we just chilled in beer garden while going crazy discussing the dragonball z live action movie and how horribly incorrect it was to the books and anime, was fun then she tried to play fight with me while we waited for bus, I kept my cool then put her in a headlock lol! everyone in the pub was just staring at us lol! was funny dunno why i was so nervous, guess cos i used to like her, she rejected me and then we didnt really speak for 6 months, but it was great glad i went although I ate a questionable burger at kebab shop, I saw so many bad things as the guy prepared it...i am praying for my stomach lol!

[Rose76]

just_some_girl: I found your post very readable. It seemed like a genuine slice of life. I think you are pretty darn resilient to have endured the entire night. It sounds like you have a knack for being able to "soldier on," despite how screwed up things get. I'm kind of leaning toward --- you're not all that negative or insane, just seeing it as it is. I hope I'm not adding to your discouragement. I don't mean to. What I think we are meant to reconcile ourselves with is - being alright with stuff being the way it is. If I ever get that figured out, I'll be posting it all over the place. Through it all, you somehow don't sound defeated. I'm kind of inspired by you.

[Rose76]

FourRedheads: I'm glad you're able to post some thoughts. It's tough being scared. I hope you feel better. Good for you getting on that laundry. Now there's a thought I'ld do well to entertain.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by kaliope

...I have always been so med resistent. But my last suicidal depression I knew i was going to be dead if i didnt try meds. I never dreamed I could ever see light at the end of the tunnel again it was so bad. But it worked...

Me too.
I put off medication for 4 years (after my diagnosis). Stubborn, nervous, did not trust doctors or most any authority for that matter
But I got to the point where I finally heard my diagnosis. I said to myself "I can't go on with these morbid thoughts. It isn't healthy. No one should be having thoughts like this. It can't be good for a person and I can't justify them anymore or stop them." I have been on them now for about a month. I think I feel a change. I hope I do. But the bad thoughts have definitely lessened so far.

E

Finally decided to take Ambien to get my mind of myself for awhile.

The marching contest is over and my son's band swept all captions and placed first in both prelims and finals. Good job, band!

I've spent the day tracking several marching contests and now I have a killer headache. Too much time in front of the computer. At least next weekend I'll actually get to go to the contest. 15 hours watching bands. Can't wait. Seriously, I can't wait. My idea of great fun.

My oldest son won tickets to the Taylor Swift concert tonight by having sold the most of her CD's (he had no idea there was even a contest - surprise!) He's really not a fan, but his girlfriend was very, very excited. It will be interesting to hear his stories about the evening.

[kaliope]

yeah cin1!!!!

just some girl....dont let someone push you into that unhealthy environ again. there is nothing socially enriching about it for you. set your boundaries and stick with them.

so last night i suffered the biggest meltdown of all time, going back to the days i was really sick. i cried on T's voice mail for probably 10 minutes, memories of the past feeling so real.

i flew to virginia today to be with my daughter. i took a klonopin for the flight. it didnt last long enough. the second flight was dark because it was later. i was sitting close to the front of the plane. but i soon became the only one around. i wasnt really on a plane any more. there was a battle going on around me. i could hear it in the distance yet i was all alone in the dark. dark shadows would fly by me, frighten me again and again and i would duck from them. i would try hard to remember i was on a plane and reorient myself but it was really hard to grasp reality. by the time i got off the plane i was crying and on the verge of a panic attack.

i came to have a good time with my child to have a grandchild. i need this to resolve.

[SilentLucidity]

Things haven't been great lately. I just really don't care about anything. Getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment. This has resulted in me being so behind on work and the grading period ends this Friday. My husband helped me grade all night. He is very supportive, but I don't share with him how very bad I feel in my head. It makes me feel so bad that I cannot seem to do things that used to not be easy for me. I just want to feel like I did two years ago. Is that too much to ask?

[kaliope]

starting my day with a sense of unease. could very easily cry. i hate it when my issues get beyond my control like this, when i feel so fragile. no matter how hard i try to detach and separate, it consumes me. i want to have a good time with my daughter.

need to go buy a new med minder today. mine got a door broken off it during the flight. i guess it is about time. ive used it for a couple years now.

hugs to all and thanks for being here.

[OneRedRose]

im not depressed today, I am just meh, woke up at 7:30, but didnt physically get out of bed till around 10, was supposed to be writing my personal statement for uni today, but I just didnt want to, dont want to do anything just play video games and even then im doing that half assed, I get like this sometimes I think its because last weekend was so chaotic, that mentally im on alert for it to happen again this weekend so emotionally im warn out

[Rose76]

I'm scared. Anxiety has gotten very hard to bear. I am disorganized. My apartment is messy. I nervous about starting a new job and don't even know exactly when I will be starting. I'm becoming scared of my medication. I'm not sure what pills are doing what. I feel like I need medication to lower my anxiety, but I am afraid of becoming too reliant on medication for that. Someone close to me got kind of over-involved with Xanax, and I am afraid of getting like that. I never did take Xanax. I do take a benzo at night. It was more than sufficient for its purpose, and now is not as effective.

The anxiety frightens me more than the depression. But they're pretty mixed up together. I am either by myself or with my S.O. Each has a downside.

T didnt call this week.
She said shed call twice a week.
Never has managed that.
This week she didnt call at all
T needs to come home
Its been two months.
We are having such a hard time.
She didnt even call.

[nicoleb2]

I am so close to having a meltdown. the last 2 weeks have been a nightmare. If it can go wrong, it has. I keep getting out of bed in the morning, but I don't want to.

I have T tomorrow. Not sure how it's going to go. I may just go in there and have my meltdown, or, like I usually do when I feel this way, I may just go in with no words, no sounds, no anything.

[OneRedRose]

Today I cut all ties with my 'sister' after she hauled abuse at my mother saying how I dont do anything yet i get money left right and centre (refering to the grand my parents have saved up for me when i move out) I care for mum, i clean up after her, help dress her, sort out her meds, i am her emotional punching bag and physical punching bag, all my sis does is call her once a month to scream and swear at her, saying how i get everything, i dont get everything i have to buy cheap clothes and second hand items, on a night out i have to make my colas last and walk home to save cash, I finally cracked today and just launched myself into a full verbal attack, we have agreed to never speak again and shes never contacting my mum again, i am obviously slightly upset, but more angry at her

[beautiful.mess]

Barely made it out of bed today. I have a ton of things to do and don't know where or HOW to start.

I just want to be happy, even if only for a day.

[delicatefade26]

I am extremely mixed today...one minute I feel amazing then I want to say F it all or hurt someone...or me..ugh! I'm exhausted! I'm pms-ing like crazy I think is part of the issue..I get to see T today though!!! I'm excited to show him the coloring I (she) did for homework : ) I want him to sit next to me when I show him <3

[mcl6136]

Tomorrow I have a T appointment. Not looking forward to it. They have been a real drag and I have not been feeling ANY of them can help guide me to where I need to go. I feel in a way that I want companionship rather than therapy...And I should not have to pay for that....

[pachyderm]

Climbing out of the pit -- again.

Feeling guilty because I overindulged in retail therapy the past 2 days, trying to fill up the weekend. Have to wait 9 days until next T appt on Fri instead of only 7. Know some sort of meltdown is coming with T, and it's getting harder and harder to make it between appts. Have to get my act together. Ugh.

[PleaseHelp]

not doing so well today. Sick of fighting to keep my head above water. Want to curl up in ball and cry. Not holding it together very well at work.

Although I wanted to sleep in today, I made myself get out and be social. Went to lunch with a friend. I had my granddaughter and she had her kids. We took them to Chic-fil-a to eat and play. This was good for me. Why don't I like doing it? Why do I have to make myself get out and socialize? Is it depression? What am I depressed about?

[kaliope]

Wow, is it just because I am not doing well that it seems so many others are struggling so much too or do i normally put a brighter spin on posts when i read them? Id just like to congratulate anybody who made it out of bed to face the day!

Im afraid of the unknown, not understanding where i am at after the episode on the plane. Have i broken? the crying jag friday night, the plane, i feel like i have crossed a line. i worry what will come next. I expected T would call me after the two messages i left, but he hasnt. i worry he has abandoned me. that is part of what started this.

i am trying to be as normal as possible. my daughter and i went to the mall today. i found a purple peace sign purse with fringe and a flowy black shirt with a peace sign pattern. they were way to cute to pass up. we went out for BBQ. I just worry that i may lose it,have a panic attack or something, lose touch with reality when she is having her baby. im so scared of that. she takes care of me but that is when i am supposed to be taking care of her.

take care all.