[beauflow]

So much has gone on in these last few weeks- I am not sure if my next session i can get it all out- I know T wanted me to think on where these emotions come from... its been hard and I am having trouble these last few days catching myself with reaction (or leaving due to I cant calm self down). I fear I just screwed up at work today cuz i felt attacked by my supervisor with a question cuz she does not understand me all the time. it'll be ok- it always is cuz i work in a mismanaged place. I just want to go home, and not come back here the next night but I have to.

[cin1]

So far.... really good...(considering it is still early)

I am SICK. Oy.

But my house is clean, I'm drinking tea, my kittens are playing, my candle probably smells good (it looks good - I can't smell anything). I have things I have to do today, but I'm going to try to be gentle with myself and just take it slowly.

I used to be REALLY BAD at being sick. I know it stems from childhood...I had to be "okay" all the time. So, as an adult, when I got sick, I would try to push through and force myself to do things I really wasn't able to do. And I would be MISERABLE.

I still feel pretty awful, but I would never force my kids to act like they were 100% when they were sick. I would bring them juice and movies and blankets. I'm going to try to give myself the same care, without fear of "getting in trouble". It's a little scary. But I know I deserve it too.

[OneRedRose]

I over stepped the mark today with a couple of friends, one said shes so disappointed in me but I cant help it, well I can....I just dont want to, its weird I am not depressed, but I still feel the rage inside me, I always become alittle unstable after seeing T for first few days.

but generally had a good day, I had programming today and noticed a flaw in my teachers programme that he was showing us, well not really a flaw, but a small technicality, and he praised me loads for it which boosted my confidence LOADS, then my english teacher had a go at me when I admitted I struggle with the concept of commas and full stops, and that I only guess where they go, but I explained why and she apologised and said she understood now why I get confused.

overall a good day.

[FourRedheads]

Wow, treehouse, thank you for posting. I'm not kind to myself when I am sick. I force myself to keep going, to the point of exhaustion. I don't think I "deserve" to be sick or something weird like that. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm obsessing about my T appointment tomorrow. I'm still feeling angry. I think maybe it's because after tomorrow I will have a 2 week break with no T. I'm feeling very unsure about this. Definitely not happy! I want to ask T if she cares about me. I think T's leaving for a week is dredging up some abandonment issues for me.

[kaliope]

fourredheads --i am going crazy feeling abandoned by T too. pretty sure im not but cant help it. have an appt nov 1 after i get back from my vacation, but he was talking about doing less work with me because i wanted to do therapy with pdoc as well. i freaked out about this before i left and left a message saying i didnt want to see him less and i would give up pdoc but he hasnt called me to confirm this arrangment. i cant stop worrying about it. im supposed to be focusing on my daughter. today is her due date and still no sign of baby.

hugs to all

I'm actually okay, I guess! I feel calm now - but then T always has that effect. Voodoo or something. We talked a lot today... I told her about my night out, my high anxiety ever since, where I feel I'm at. All things. She 'gets' me.
I told her at one point that I don't think that I always put a negative spin on things, but that I'm intuitive and I see what's really going on. Feeling like a conspiracy theorist with a tin foil hat, I expected her to disagree. But she didn't, as such. Huh...
At times I found it hard to concentrate and stay with my train of thought, like I had some kind of brain fog. I suspect I didn't make a whole load of sense. When I got home and looked in the mirror I realised I was narrowing my eyes. Hope T didn't think I was giving her the evils, can you imagine?
Oh, and I now know how old she is! (Well, ballpark.) Turns out she is one of those looks-good-for-her-age types. Figured. But then I'm also half surprised she isn't like, 90, because of all the wisdom and life experience she seems to have crammed in there.
I got home and found some energy to muck out the ponies. They haven't been out much lately, with the wet weather, so they were made up with a couple hours in the paddock. Pandora, especially, was just like 'eeeeeeeeee!!' Made me smile. I wish I could bottle her energy and lust for life.
I need to do something constructive this week, I swear. I can't keep going back to T, week after week, and still be like 'yep, my life is still nonexistant.' It's a bit embarrassing. Like, jeez, get a life. It at least has to look like I'm trying.

[beautiful.mess]

Stupid stupid stupid stupid therapy. Therapy sucks. Therapy is for the birds. Therapy is stupid. I hate therapy. And since my psychologist is part of therapy, I think I may just hate him too.

I'm having a very hard time today for some reason. No idea what that reason is though. All I know is that going to therapy and work on stuff is like trying to nail Jello to the wall. It's like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there.

I want to draw a black hole, jump in, and zipper it shut. I'm beginning to think I've watched way too many Looney Tunes in my life....

I'm taking off tomorrow to attend a meeting in the morning. Since I only have one class in the afternoon, I decided to take the full day. I'll see my T in the afternoon. I need to see him. Our sessions have been very difficult for the last month or so, but ultimately very productive. I'm kind of mired in old ick right now and trying to find my way clear of it. T can help.

Since my sister died last March, the DVD of photos of her life that was shown at her funeral has been sitting on my bookshelf. I finally played it tonight for some reason. Lots of tears. She was such a beautiful individual. I'm really sad now, but it was something that had been hanging over my head.

[kaliope]

i havent heard from T and been worrying so much, im sure unnecessarily. i got brave enough to call T today and ask for a call back. something i have never done. turns out he has been out of the office the last two days. so who knows, he may have planned to call me. maybe not. i just let him know i needed to know everything was ok. so i hope he calls tomorrow.

[SilentLucidity]

I emailed T late last night to say that yesterday's session was a huge let down for me. I was offered another slot this week and I took it. In my reply I tried to be pretty clear about what I need tomorrow. I hope T understands and is willing to give it. I am nervous about the session because it should be challenging me to stretch a bit outside of my comfort zone. I think I need that right now to make progress. I hope I am not wrong. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave to help give me the ability to speak without worrying that T will be judging me. So confusing. So tired.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

At times I found it hard to concentrate and stay with my train of thought, like I had some kind of brain fog. I suspect I didn't make a whole load of sense.

I am coming to understand this process a lot better now. We anticipate criticism, an attack of some kind, and those critical thoughts get inside us and interrupt our own ideas, counter our own thoughts. At least that is the way it is for me. And no one seems to understand that, no one will accept my attempts at understanding it.

Well, back to your original thread now, after I have hijacked it. It was only a temporary interruption.

[PleaseHelp]

yesterday I just kind of took it easy. Went to bed with a killer migraine, cramps from hell, and an aching knee. I did take my migraine med. Woke up at 6am with my head feeling like someone had it in a vice grip. Took another migraine pill (I can take 2 in a 24 hr period), managed to twist my knee while getting my pill. Went back to bed with so much pain. When the alarm went off my SO rolled over and accidently elbowed me really hard b/t my shoulder blades. I finally fell back asleep - woke up at 10:15 in a panic to get ready for work. I'm at work, my head hurts so bad, I'm in a complete fog, it hurts to keep my eyes open. UGH! I have T right after work, was looking forward to it now all I want to do is go home and sleep. But after T, have to go to the girls' swim meet. I'm so sleeping after that. Today sucks.

[kaliope]

its hard being on the east coast, with east coast time being three hours ahead of T being on west coast time. T hasnt called and the day seems nearly over, but it isnt for him and i worry he wont call and that i have screwed up so bad he doesnt want to deal with me anymore. i know this is irrational, but i am being irrational right now. i think it is ridiculous that a simple phone calll from him will make it all better. what does that make me? i have never been like this before. but this is the first time i have had a T and done medication and worked on myself before too. im not sure i like this being dependent on somebody.

[OneRedRose]

I just want this week to end, I really cannot be bothered with anything and really looking forward to watching the football with my mates

my mate called today upset, wanting empathy, which really annoyed me because she knows I struggle with that stuff, really find it hard to relate too, and I do have a thing where I start laughing and that makes me feel like such a horrible person, when I am not, my T says its a defense mechanism because I dont know how to actually react, so that made me uncomfortable but I put on my best "awww" voice, and gave my advice, because shes my best mate and I do want to help her, I just feel uncomfortable and useless when I cannot understand, she knows its not a lack of emotions, just well hard to explain really and im not explaining it very well here! so ima shut up..

good day, thank god its friday tomorrow though!.

[cin1]

i sobbed the other nite and found some relief. Even when i seem to be doing well (i am in some areas) , there is always someone or some thing chipping away at my heart. i am to the point i don't like where i am. This morning i cried and no one knew. it didn't seem to help, it just is sad and once the tears start, it is hard for them to stop. i don't understand, myself

[nicoleb2]

Got into a car accident on Tuesday morning going between55 & 60 mph. I passed out and rear ended someone.

I just got released from the hospital today. They did all kinds of tests and can't figure out why I passed out (I have passed out before, but never resulting in a car accident).

Now, I am being referred to DVS (dept of vehicle svcs) for a possible evaluation, which would result in me losing my license

I should just stay in bed from now on, then I can't cause any problems

(((Nicoleb2))) that must have been so scary for you. I hope they can figure out and treat what caused you to pass out, and that you don't lose your license

I'm stressing myself out over work/career/study. I'm currently getting a small amount of 'incapacity' benefit because of my depression/anxiety, but I have to fill in and send a form detailing why I can't work. My guess is they're going to evaluate me and put me on jobseekers allowance instead.

I don't feel I can go back to doing unskilled work. A major reason I was unhappy in my previous job was that I felt unfulfilled. It was supposed to be a temporary job until I found something better, and sorted myself out -- it never happened, I wound up enduring it for four years and then had a breakdown. I think lot of my depression and anxiety is because I don't know what to do with my life. I need to get on the career ladder, feel like I'm working towards a goal or the 'greater good' or something.

I have my degree in design but I don't know if I can/should get into the industry. I don't know if I can/should go back to university and do something else. I've considered several possibilties but every time I try to do some research and figure out if/how to go about something, I become overwhelmed and confused, and find a million reasons why I can't.

My T thinks I should do some volunteer work, to get back into a bit of a routine, do something good, etc -- and I've been thinking about working with the elderly, home visits and such. I really think I would get something out of it, as hopefully I could make a difference to someone who is on their own and lonely. So, of course, not just taking things one step at a time, I got talking with friends, who suggested maybe I look into social work as a career -- so I've been doing some research on that tonight: relevant degree or masters qualifications, job descriptions, etc. The result is that yet again I feel overwhelmed, and I feel that I can't afford the education, and that I wouldn't cope with the job anyway. I feel utterly defeated.

I recognise that I'm not in the right frame of mind to make any real decisions right now, but I feel under SO much pressure to ACT, to do SOMETHING, figure SOMETHING out. Time is passing me by. I've already completely wasted a year of my life because of this horrible illness. In truth I feel I've wasted the last decade down to one thing and another.

I also need to get into work so I can get a decent income. Money is a real problem. I can't rely on anyone for financial support, and I'm having to live with my dad. My benefit barely covers anything. I can't even really afford therapy, but it's so important to me because I need it to try and get better - so that I can get a job and so that I don't feel depressed and so that I figure myself out and know what I want. Or at least that's the idea.

I'm doing everything I can. Meds, therapy...

My life is a mess.
And all I'm doing is going round and round in maddening circles.
I wish I knew what to do.

And I'm sorry this is a 'Daily Roll Call' post, and it's really long and totally irrelevant. In truth I din't know where else to post, or who would want to listen.
I just needed to vent tonight.

See? This is why I need to distract myself. I don't feel so bad if I don't try and think about things, or plan a future, or notice everything passing me by. I've really upset myself.

And I know that my situation isn't special. The economy and everything. I know life sucks for a lot of people. I know some people have it worse than me. I know I should quit whining. I know I shouldn't have quit my crappy job - because that was as good as it was ever going to get for me, and I blew it -- because I couldn't keep my depression and anxiety under control like I should have -- what, did I think the world owed me something better?!

[Rose76]

Tomorrow, I should be going to my new employer to do some more pre-hire paperwork. I'm nervous, but taking a positive outlook. Meanwhile, my S.O. is in the hospital, but stable. I'll be glad if my new employer doesn't need me to start work right away. Having to act responsibly has gotten me in a better frame of mind.

[delicatefade26]

I was baseline today : ) I love my new mood tracker app!! My T is on a trip...and i had a horrible thought of him getting in a plane wreck...I felt very panicky about it..but I said my prayers for him...realized he will most likely be fine...and I'll get to see him not too far from now...I hope he is not lonely on his trip...and that his presentations go well!

[beautiful.mess]

I've had an utterly boring, anxiety-riddled, depressed, unproductive day.

The day after therapy is always like this for me and I can't stand it. It's like PTSD from therapy or something. I can only think of ONE time where I haven't gotten it; usually every week, the day after t, (and sometimes the day following that as well) I feel like I was hit by a truck.

THIS is the feeling that makes me want to quit therapy. This feeling is so awful and so uncomfortable that I almost can't stand it. I just want to crawl out of my skin. I'm trying to sit with it, but it's so hard, and I almost can't function like this. And then, just went it starts to get better, I'm gearing up to go back to T again.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

[kaliope]

cin1

justsomegirl - im a social worker so if you have any questions feel free to PM me. but it is a field where you have so many options so i wouldnt be so quick to say you wouldnt be able to cope with the job. you could even use the degree to work with old people. i just get hung up feeling like a hypocrite helping people when i am so crazy myself. if only they knew i think to myself. but it is a very rewarding job.

so i left T a message yesterday to call me and let me know that everything was alright, that i was going to be able to continue seeing him as usual. he didnt call me back today. what does that mean?

[nicoleb2]

I am in so much pain tonight
I just want things back to normal, Tomorow is gonna suck, it is the enniversary of me walking into the room as my mom died in the hospital

[DelusionsDaily]

Just doubting therapys ability to help me...despite knowing I have a great T. It is just me being too hard on myself...i know. Dang, when does it end?

[scorpiosis37]

I'm feeling depressed today. I got difficult news about my family earlier this week, and have been walking around like I'm in a daze. I wanted to talk about it with my girlfriend; I wanted her support. However, I'm pretty sure we're headed for a break-up. I've been wanting to have a serious conversation with her so we can figure things out, but she's been avoiding it. Just a few weeks ago, it felt like everything was in place; everything was coming together; I was really happy. Now, it feels like everything is falling apart. I really want to talk to my T about all of this, but my session is still a week away. I can also feel the urge to be passive aggressive. I'm holding so much in right now and, when I do that, it can start to come out in other ways. I'm aware of it, so I'm keeping everything in check, but I just want to let it out. I want to get angry, I want to cry, I want to let myself break-down... but I don't have that option right now. *Sigh*