[sunrise]

Went to see my PNP today. It's been 5 months. Talked to her about my sleep problems and she had some ideas. She thinks I have gotten into a sleep deprivation cycle, which is hard to get out of even when you want to and have all the time in the world to sleep. I've had several different things with different causes going on with my sleep and I appreciate that she could take in all of them and synthesize. I felt like my doctor was unable to do that when I saw him. He just latched onto the first thing he heard and didn't seem able to hear more--like he can only hold one thing in his mind at a time. So she had some good advice and had several ideas for me to try, including going to see an accupuncturist (for sleep as well as some other problems that may be related) and taking sleep medication for a short time to help me get out of this deprivation cycle. I'm excited about trying the accupuncture; I've never done it before.

[laceylu]

Feeling like there is so much to tell T, and not enough time. Need to do trauma stuff , but it will be 16 days before I see her again. I do not want her to think I am hiding from her, but she can make one idea last the whole session with questions-lol.

[Rose76]

Mildly depressed. Well, more than mildly, but not so that it has me laid up doing nothing. I keep moving doing this and that, and avoid TV. I've never slept so little in my life. Yesterday, I got the Nortriptyline that I had run out of. Seldom do I let them happen, and what a misery to go through. Took it last eve. Slept about 6 hours; up around 6 A.M. Was never like this before. Dread sleeping. Dreams disturb.

crazy busy at work for opening days, all the new freshman coming to college...
t called and let me know about a cancellation, just felt too beat up last session, still too fresh in my mind to think about going again at this point.... i hate it when t just pokes at me, without first giving me any shields!!

[delicatefade26]

My session with T on Thursday seems sooo far away
A lot of stuff has gone on since I have seen him last and I want to tell him!! I also need a hug from him soon! Oddly enough I am fighting back the urge to email and cancel (I am well aware this is crazy behavior lol) I promised myself (and him) that I wouldn't do that anymore though! I'm in this for the long haul he promised he wouldn't let me run and that he isn't leaving me

[FourRedheads]

Getting ready to leave to meet an elder at our church. I'm afraid. I know the reason I'm doing this is entirely different from past experience, but I'm still afraid. I don't know what they will say or do. I don't know if they will offer to help me or if they will shame me. Divorce is not looked upon too kindly in many churches, even in cases of abuse.

Today was super busy at work. That's just how it is at the beginning of each school year. I didn't get off until 6:00. We are technically off at 3:45, but I had several meetings to attend to. I am bushed!

[WePow]

Went back to work today. Did ok. Saw my T. That was wonderful. My T got to hear it in my own words how I see myself as ugly. We are going to work on that. In the midst of my self loathing rant, I heard him say that I was beautiful. ME??? Seriously??? I think that was what he said anyway - lol. I don't think he realized I even heard him say that in the midst of my chatter. But wow. His opinion holds a lot of wieight to me. You know, weight that has meaning when we are all alone and thoughts about others rumble through our minds like thunderstorms on a western horizon... He wouldn't lie to me to just tell me something that might make me feel better. It was just a matter of fact statement. Like "You have brown eyes and anyone else can see them even if you think they are blue."

It is so strange how the smallest thing said by our Ts can have a very big impact.
Odd. I don't feel ugly right now :-)

[nicoleb2]

I was doing sort of ok, but that all crashed down with finding out some info. Now I just want to give up. I don't want to keep going, but I know I have to for my kids. But since I can't quit, I want to SI again, a lot.

[kaliope]

Nicole, please dont hurt yourself.

today was a long day. went to a training on suicide intervention. thought i would flip out like i did at the last one. but i didnt. i was triggered twice, but i managed not to cry like i really wanted to. i didnt even have to leave the room. one of the rules was, if you did leave the room, to go the bathroom, you had to give the thumbs up signal to say you were ok or you were getting a buddy to follow you out to make sure you were ok. how cool was that. but i did great. one more day of training tomorrow and i will have made it through. i called T and let him know i made it. not that he asked me to, or that he cares. i thought i would be calling him crying. part of me wishes he would call me tomorrow to congratulate me. i would like that. maybe i will go write that on dear T thread.

[SilentLucidity]

I am not even sure I have words for today. I feel like a robot just going through the motions. People have no idea what is going on in my head and it seems I have no time to figure out what is going on in my heart. I want to cry all the time, yet I never let myself. I had yet another medical test today and even though the results were excellent I can't even be happy about it. What is wrong with me?

[crazycanbegood]

i'm on a

[SoupDragon]

Saw T yesterday - I was different in there, more vocal and felt more able to challenge T, rather than sitting there in passive silence. So today I am wondering.

[granite1]

i am having a hard time sleeping again but i am doing OK.i do hate it when i cant sleep because my mind spins around so much with just ridiculous stuff

[skysblue]

11 hours until session. Will courage appear?

[Rose76]

Took meds last night early enough to put me to sleep at a decent hour. I have been fighting to stay awake to sort out where there is confusion.

[pachyderm]

Yesterday was one of the worst days emotionally that I have had in months. It seemed I was back in childhood and could not find my way out. I found myself, among other things, being very, very angry, and could not understand why that was. I imagined myself talking to a therapist and trying to say what was going on. Finally the T said to me that maybe I had a lot of legitimate things to be angry about. I told the imaginary T that that was the first time in a long time that anyone had validated my experiences, instead of arguing and disputing everything I said. That helped me calm down somewhat, though I find I still have a lot of anger this morning. I have felt that I have no one to talk things over with, no one that I can tell "bad" things to safely.

Oh yes, we had the earthquake yesterday. We don't have earthquakes!

[FourRedheads]

I homeschool my four children. They are 11, 9, 7, and 5. Interesting morning. I will say this: we got math done and got one kid to her ortho appointment and kept the other 3 occupied for 45 minutes in the waiting room. That feels like a big accomplishment. We stopped on the way home for some pizza to celebrate our first day of "school." It was more so that I wouldn't have to cook. ha ha

I was dreading starting up the schooling again but now I'm glad. It's giving me something to focus on. Everything inside of me is a jumbled mess. I'm trying not to focus on it and keep busy.

[twistedsister]

I am doing great. Can't sleep but that is normal for me.
wishing everyone an awesome day.
hugs
Torn

[wintergirl]

I'm kind of a mess today, and my T had a rare opening, but I don't have childcare options during the day. I need a break from the constant noise and demands.

[FourRedheads]

((wintergirl)) I can so relate to what you wrote. I wish I could come over and watch your kids for you.

[wintergirl]

Thanks, FourRedheads. My three kids are younger, but I can't imagine even attempting to homeschool them (and I used to be a teacher). I hope the school year continues to go well for you!

[Rose76]

I continue to be so driven to get things done, like my paperwork filed, that I am still not spending enough time sleeping. How weird! Staying under the covers in bed used to be what I did best. Now chores and projects seem to have such pressing importance, sleep is much lower priority. 3 hours last night. I got to lie down.

[rainbow8]

I feel good today!! I had a satisfying session and then went to the lake by myself. I wish all days could be like today.

[laceylu]

having a bad day, just want it to be over