[Astridetal]

I was pretty irritable yesterday. Therapy was pretty much useless and I'm upset about my new living place. Today I feel better, although I'm pretty tired. Hugs to everyone who needs them.

Breakthrough in progress. Can't stop crying. Hurts a lot. Just letting the pain wash through me. Will feel better when I see T on Tuesday. God, this better be worth it ......

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

My life has been feeling much better recently. Therapy has helped so much.
Yet... I feel I haven't reached a depth in therapy that I would like to. It is me. I can't get there. I still hide a lot of myself. Here.. There.. Everywhere.
I just hope to get there someday

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

[ECHOES]

^^

[nicoleb2]

tired. don't know what to do with my life anymore. I was used to 2-3 hours of sleep before this last med. Now that I had to go off of it, I'm not used to 2-3 hours anymore. Now I just want to sleep half the day. I am trying not to, but some days i can't stay awake no matter what i do

[OneRedRose]

I am having a good day today, my friend had a panic attack and I got her to do the breathing exercises that my T taught me, I was happy that I helped her , I like seeing smiles.

[kaliope]

Im with Squiggle. Anything goes in Roll Call. Its kinda like a journal. i dont feel comfortable posting new threads just to whine about daily life things or things i am confused about. i generally dont get many responses even when i am looking for advice about things, so roll call is a place where i can dump my stuff just to get it off my chest. The whole idea behind roll call and why i wanted to see a daily roll call page was to have a place to check in everyday, a place to feel connected to other people and Squiggle was kind enough to get it started. I like being able to read the daily struggles everybody else is facing knowing i am not alone in my challenges. I commend everybody for having the courage to keep going.

Today I woke up somewhat distressed. I dreamt that I was going to kill myself. I was making the plans and ready to put them in action when i woke up. I probably posted already that the other night i had my reoccuring nightmare about a tsunami coming to get me, the dream i only have during the bad times. I believe these dreams are being brought on by the stress of doing the homework pdoc gave me to challenge my anxiety. I left a message for pdoc to call me on tuesday. He has never called. He made such a big deal out of us building a trusting relationship. I have never viewed pdoc as anybody other than someone to write me a script, but then i see how many on this site have more than that with their pdocs and i get this new pdoc who is doing therapy with me and think that maybe i can expect more, hes telling me there is more than just a script between us, asking me to have a trusting relationship, but then he is not following through and i am so confused. nearly everyday i post something in the things i wish i could tell my T thread about him this has me so frustrated.

I have a big fundraiser for work to attend this afternoon. Gotta dress up, makeup, the works. figure i should take klonopin cause at the last one the anxiety was so bad the pattern in the carpet began to move around on me. im sure pdoc would like me to go without the drugs, screw that!

[Butterflies Are Free]

Good week and I did well without my T but I am starting to miss her and will be glad to see her on Monday.

Originally Posted by kaliope

Im with Squiggle. Anything goes in Roll Call. Its kinda like a journal. i dont feel comfortable posting new threads just to whine about daily life things or things i am confused about.

.....roll call is a place where i can dump my stuff just to get it off my chest.

I felt like I kept creating new threads to talk about different struggles I was facing. It was a chore to get to them and figure out what I said in which one. This thread, as you and I have both mentioned, is more of a daily journal. Not written necessarily to get advice or feedback, but more for myself (and anyone else who needs this type of forum). Many times I just need to "dump my stuff" (as you called it). I felt that others may need/want this type of forum as well.

Having only two threads that I regularly post in, is so much easier for me. I do read other threads and wish that I could contribute more to help, but I feel that I keep saying the same things over and over and over. I don't feel that I give that much to really help anyone. I felt that I had become a broken record.

I do understand the struggles that many are going through. Been there and done that myself and I know how hard those are to go through. Believe me, I do know about the constant roller coaster of emotions that go along with being in therapy!! Sometimes I love therapy, other times I hate it!

I don't want anyone to think that I am ignoring others on PC. I am not. I am such a mess that I don't think I have any right to try to help anyone else. I feel like a hypocrite when I do that. Like "Do what I say, not what I do."

I wish everyone the best and hope for positive outcomes to this therapy journey. The only advice I could give to anyone would be this. Stay with it. It does get better. It will help you. It is probably one of the best gifts you can give to yourself. Don't give up.

[PleaseHelp]

My knee is still acting up. I made supper for the family, but am now paying for it. I should know better than to try and prepare a meal that takes an hour and requires me to stand for most of it. The girls are trying to help out more and let me take it easy. The pain med for my knee is causing my headaches to flare. So that's not good. UGH.

[WePow]

Today is a good day. I had an enjoyable time out with my friends. I had an enjoyable dinner with my partner. And my T is proud of me for standing up for myself with an issue I had come up. I worked things out with my T about the voicemail thing. And I am happy. Today life is good.

It is so amazing to see how a person actually can heal! I am so glad I didn't give up.

[Rose76]

To: Squiggle328 I think this thread was a real good idea. Apparently I am far from alone.

[SilentLucidity]

Continued feelings of lowness and I have caught a monster cold. T called today because she knows I'm not doing well. I told her I was tired of talking about things because it just doesn't help. Then afterwards I felt bad.

[cin1]

i am ok. i can be angry, but when my husband is that way, i walk on eggshells. don't need a huge blowup.

[nicoleb2]

I am frustrated. I still don't know what I feel. I'm not happy, not sad. i don't know what i am, but whatever it is, i know i don't like it. I was hoping that when i stopped taking the doxepin on tuesday night that the worst of the mood problems would stop. didn't work. at least the tiredness now is not the exhaustion like when i was on doxepin

[kaliope]

so i just survived my fundraiser for work. over a hundred and fifty guests. i curled my hair and pulled it back real pretty. i put on purple and grey eye shadow with mascara and wore my green enhancer contacts. i bought a pretty black dress and nice girly shoes. i looked beautiful. i felt beautiful. a few of my coworkers even told me i was beautiful. i didnt let anybody past me without buying twenty dollars worth of raffle tickets so i helped the fundraiser be a success. im exhausted though being around so many people. so draining for me. wish i could just hole up tomorrow but i already agreed to go to lunch with a friend. im so tired. maybe i should go to bed early tonight. gotta wash off all this makeup.

blessings to all.

[Rose76]

Kaliope What a great success you had! So good to hear of effort bearing fruit. So glad for you. Sounds like you have a talent.

[nicoleb2]

Anxiety is crazy bad. Hoping for no panic attack. Scared of how I feel right now!

[delicatefade26]

I moved into my own place yesterday...still working on getting stuff moved in today! This is definitely a both/and situation....I'm excited and scared all at the same time! I'm so thankful I have a session tomorrow evening with T : ) I'm hoping we can talk about this a little bit-but also get to other things too...which it's my session so I have the ability to make sure that happens!!

Today has been a total let down. I was supposed to be going riding but my friend didn't pick me up and they went without me. There's been a lot of 'oh I left a message with...' 'I had no credit until...' 'We didn't know what you were doing' type of talk, but it's all BS. As far as I was concerned it was ORGANISED.
It just sucks, I really wanted to go out on my horse today, I needed the boost. Can't wait to get my car back then I can do what I want and not have to rely on other people. (Because, clearly, I can't rely on other people.)
My anxiety/depression is eating away at me today. I totally obsessed on my arms and picked at all the hair follicles and now it looks like a really bad rash. Then I ate a whole pizza and bag of chocolate. And now I want to purge.
Today was going to be so different

[PleaseHelp]

(((nicoleb2)))) and (((just some girl)))

Woke up in the middle of the night with a bad migraine, ended up throwing up. Finally got a bit of sleep. My knee is still acting up. Can't stand just sitting around. I want to be helping. Not sitting here.

[Astridetal]

((((PleaseHelp)))) I'm sorry you had a migraine and are just sitting around.

I had a good day. Baked an apple cake to give to my wardmates tomorrow at my wedding day, and hung out on PC and other forums. My boyfriend just called, which was good.

[kaliope]

i feel like crap today from eating so much of the wonderful appetizers at the fundraiser last night and then coming home and eating a carton of choc peanut butter hagendaz. i have a headache, just want to curl up and cry. but no, i am dressed and ready to go out to lunch with a friend. a committment i made, doing stupid pdoc's homework. im really sick and tired of facing my anxiety. i had a nice quiet peaceful life before this guy came along. sure i was anxious a lot so he gives me meds for it and then makes me do stuff to make me purposefully anxious. i know i didnt want to stay locked up in my apartment forever, but am i really ready to tackle this now?

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i know i didnt want to stay locked up in my apartment forever, but am i really ready to tackle this now?

i wonder the same thing, kaliope.

[FourRedheads]

I am struggling with a lot of panic and anxiety today. Probably the aftermath of my daughter's T appointment on Friday.

DHS worker comes over tomorrow at 9 am. From past experience, this means the visits with their father will progress. The next step is overnight visits. This also probably means I will have to start meeting him alone for the exchanges. I am terrified. Do these people NOT understand--there will be payback for this!

Daughter's T informed me that she is pulling back. Schedule the next session in 6 weeks, she says. I feel all alone in this. She was the only person who really understood what is going on. I feel like she is frustrated; doesn't know what to do so she is dumping us. I feel abandoned.