[Rose76]

He came back over to stay with me, my S.O., and it made quite a difference. He drove me to the pharmacy and got me something to eat for lunch. We watched a DVD. I even went out by myself and got something to make for dinner today that he likes.

At 10 AM this morning, he's heading out the door. I could tell when he woke up, the one thing on his mind was getting out of here. Sometimes, I think he's a bit depressed himself. But he keeps going and doesn't get anywhere near how I get. He has certainly had his problems - major - and has gotten years of help and love and support from me - major. There is no imbalance in what I ask for in return. He can be real sweet, but he's not that good at sustained attentiveness. I need that now.

I feel like telling him to not bother doling out "just so much." It was like this 27 years ago. By now, I know the pattern. I love him in a way that makes me want to lavish attention on him when he is in need, and I have lavished . . . foolishly, beyond reason. To me, that's love.

He says he'll be back tomorrow. I want to say "Don't bother." I may do better to be quietly alone with myself. Now I want to get angry with him. I am thinking how that angry stuff may be part of my sickness. It is.

[nicoleb2]

i am so incredibly tired of not being able to get reasonable sleep.
Either I don't sleep more than 2 hours, or I take my most current sleep med, sleep for 6-7 hours and am so exhausted I can't move the next day (and i have bad suicidal thoughts).
I am waiting for a call back from my pdoc. I hope he doesn't want me to wait until my appointment next week to try something else.

I am just so sick of it all. I want to SI repeatedly, just to use the pain as a method to stay awake. I texted my T to try to see if she can come up with any ideas that I haven't yet, no response from her yet though

I wasn't feeling too well yesterday, anxiety I think, and so I went to bed - fully clothed. Woke up at intervals but felt so groggy I went straight back to sleep. Slept for literally 24 hours. I still don't feel so good, and I still feel tired - how's that even possible? Have to get up tomorrow as I've arranged to be somewhere.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I wasn't feeling too well yesterday, anxiety I think, and so I went to bed - fully clothed. Woke up at intervals but felt so groggy I went straight back to sleep. Slept for literally 24 hours. I still don't feel so good, and I still feel tired - how's that even possible? Have to get up tomorrow as I've arranged to be somewhere.

I know exactly what you mean. I went to bed on Tues and woke up on Thursday, 30 hours later. And I'm still exhausted. It can't just be fatigue, can it? I mean, there must be some sort of escapism going on, right? Can someone really be that tired?

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

I know exactly what you mean. I went to bed on Tues and woke up on Thursday, 30 hours later. And I'm still exhausted. It can't just be fatigue, can it? I mean, there must be some sort of escapism going on, right? Can someone really be that tired?

I don't know Bub
xx

[nicoleb2]

No phone call from pdoc today. It's going to be a really, really long weekend. I don't even want to know how bad i'm going to be by the end of the weekend. I already want to SI and it's only a couple days into no sleep med...

[cin1]

Originally Posted by Rose76

He came back over to stay with me, my S.O., and it made quite a difference. He drove me to the pharmacy and got me something to eat for lunch. We watched a DVD. I even went out by myself and got something to make for dinner today that he likes.

At 10 AM this morning, he's heading out the door. I could tell when he woke up, the one thing on his mind was getting out of here. Sometimes, I think he's a bit depressed himself. But he keeps going and doesn't get anywhere near how I get. He has certainly had his problems - major - and has gotten years of help and love and support from me - major. There is no imbalance in what I ask for in return. He can be real sweet, but he's not that good at sustained attentiveness. I need that now.

I feel like telling him to not bother doling out "just so much." It was like this 27 years ago. By now, I know the pattern. I love him in a way that makes me want to lavish attention on him when he is in need, and I have lavished . . . foolishly, beyond reason. To me, that's love.

He says he'll be back tomorrow. I want to say "Don't bother." I may do better to be quietly alone with myself. Now I want to get angry with him. I am thinking how that angry stuff may be part of my sickness. It is.

rose, why do you think your anger is part of your sickness? the reason i ask , i have a lot of rage, and it doesn't take much to set me off. thanks.

[Rose76]

Cin, I believe my irritability and quickness to anger are excessive, not normal. It's really only in the past 6 years that I have come to see it that way, though I certainly was this way as far back as I can remember. Way back, I used to think that I was too passive, which I often was. Back then, I would congratulate myself for getting angry. I had the notion that I was stronger when I was angry.

A hospitalization led to treatment where I got some feedback on myself and that prompted me to question how acceptable my behavior was, and I decided I was off the rails, at times. Somehow, the word rage doesn't resonate with me as descriptive of myself. Maybe that is because I am pretty reserved in my demeanor, by habit and rearing. However, when I saw that I was off the rails, I even saw that, at times, I was in a state that I would call psychotic, fueled by anger. My pdoc at the time said that I was not exaggerating. That pdoc fully concurred. Psychotic anger and rage are much the same, I'm rather sure. Maybe, I think of the word rage as cannoting highly threatening propensity toward violence. Like you could get arrested for. Rage can be rage without that, I suspect.

When triggered into a real heated mood, I have found myself not able to refrain from behavior that I totally believed was out of line and not how I wished to act. Plus, there would be consequences that, rationally, would have been unacceptable to me if I had the self-control to choose a different response and act accordingly. Like, I am thinking of incidents on the job. Generally, I had a valid reason to take issue with something. But the way I would get caused a loss of respect for me, and I knew there could have been a better way to respond. What bothered me was that I was not choosing my response. It was out of my control.

One psychiatrist, who knew me for years, only suddenly diagnosed me as bipolar, after I verbally blew up at him. I've been researching to find just what is the relationship between bipolar disorder and extreme anger. I'm still not clear. Somehow, it sounds like bipolars are expected to manifest more anger than others. I'm not at all clear on any theory behind that. If anyone wants to chime in, I am seeking understanding - of my own nature and of what goes with what in other psych clients.

This is kind of rambling, but that reflects that I am not so far along on my quest for insight on this. I know I have gone "off the rails" in my relationships with men. I have displayed a level of anger that surprised me. Like when I lived with a drinker, I would get mad, understandably, but then I would, on occasion, start wrecking the apartment. I'ld create a mess, that I would hate having afterwards. (He was quite nice about cleaning up.) A time, or two, or three I destroyed valuable stuff. My stuff! I now consider that a part of my sickness, cause I wouldn't want to be like that. I am under improved control, but the urges still come.

With age, I can say I don't act out on the anger as much as I used to. Feeling that level of anger, however, even without the histrionics, is not good for me IMO. I would rather be more able to say, "Let it go." and then relax. The other thing I am bothered by is how long it takes to get back to a non-agitated state of mind. I think that's where bipolars have extra trouble, even if the anger starts off no different from what anyone might feel. Bipolars tend to stay agitated once aroused. (Please, anyone, correct me if I'm not properly characterizing BPD.) I have been diagnosed bipolar twice, and undiagnosed subsequently by different pdocs. I'm not sure who's right. So I'm not sure what my diagnosis should be. None of them have presented a clear line of reasoning to me.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Called my dad just now after 2 yrs of no contact - conversation went well and I am glad I did it.

[FourRedheads]

I am sad today.

Today was very long! I worked until 8:00pm. I just had to get my classroom and paperwork in order. It was driving me nuts. I am exhausted but excited at the same time.

Monday will be so much better for me having an organized room with everything where it goes. Papers filed, sticky notes on papers that need to go here, there, and yonder! Makeup work, papers that need to be graded, ones that need to be entered into my gradebook, lesson plans, copy folder turned in, and all the other things that I am too tired to remember!

Other than the cleaning crew, I was the last person to leave. That was okay, though. It was very quiet and peaceful. A luxury that I don't get to have that often, especially at the school!

[PleaseHelp]

I just came across this thread. Wondering if I can chime in?

I am in pain. My knee hurts so bad that I want to cry. I finally gave in and said I would use the crutches. No, I have not gone in to the doctor. I've dealt with this for so long that I kind of know the "routine" by now. Its just that I was doing so good for over 2 years. No real issues and now this. Knowing that the best thing for my knee is rest, just increases my anxiety. I'm not the kind of person that can just sit around. I get too restless. I just want to cry.

[Rose76]

Sorry, 4redheads. Sad and Scared, and Nervous - that's hard.

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

I just came across this thread. Wondering if I can chime in?

I am in pain. My knee hurts so bad that I want to cry. I finally gave in and said I would use the crutches. No, I have not gone in to the doctor. I've dealt with this for so long that I kind of know the "routine" by now. Its just that I was doing so good for over 2 years. No real issues and now this. Knowing that the best thing for my knee is rest, just increases my anxiety. I'm not the kind of person that can just sit around. I get too restless. I just want to cry.

Is there nothing you can do while you're resting your knee? Maybe make a couple of hours for yourself with 'sitting down jobs?' The more you rest the sooner you'll be back on your feet hopefully

[confuseduk]

is silently screaming

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

I just came across this thread. Wondering if I can chime in?

I am in pain. My knee hurts so bad that I want to cry. I finally gave in and said I would use the crutches. No, I have not gone in to the doctor. I've dealt with this for so long that I kind of know the "routine" by now. Its just that I was doing so good for over 2 years. No real issues and now this. Knowing that the best thing for my knee is rest, just increases my anxiety. I'm not the kind of person that can't just sit around. I get too restless. I just want to cry.

PleaseHelp,

Of course you can chime in! Everyone is welcome anytime and all the time. This has been a great way for many of us to unwind at the end of the day (or whenever we have the time to come to PC). Glad to have you share with us! Please come often!

Squiggle

Originally Posted by confuseduk

is silently screaming

I think many of us do that. The funny thing is that we can appear so 'fine/okay' on the outside. No one has any idea of the turmoil that is really going on inside of us. I am sorry you are feeling this way.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I know I have gone "off the rails" in my relationships with men. I have displayed a level of anger that surprised me. Like when I lived with a drinker, I would get mad, understandably, but then I would, on occasion, start wrecking the apartment. I'ld create a mess, that I would hate having afterwards. (He was quite nice about cleaning up.) A time, or two, or three I destroyed valuable stuff. My stuff!

I have wishes to do that sort of thing sometimes. It seems to be a protest against having to do the "accepted" thing all the time, and finally not being able to take that any more! After all, doing the accepted thing never made me acceptable, either!

I think that's where bipolars have extra trouble, even if the anger starts off no different from what anyone might feel. Bipolars tend to stay agitated once aroused. (Please, anyone, correct me if I'm not properly characterizing BPD.)

I think there is some confusion with the abbreviation BPD; at least I get confused by it sometimes. BPD can mean Borderline Personality Disorder.

[PleaseHelp]

Originally Posted by confuseduk

Is there nothing you can do while you're resting your knee? Maybe make a couple of hours for yourself with 'sitting down jobs?' The more you rest the sooner you'll be back on your feet hopefully

I'm trying to think of projects I can do while resting. Maybe I can work on my photo calendars. Although it seems a bit early to be working on them now, since Christmas is 3 months away. Thanks for the ideas.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Today was very long! I worked until 8:00pm. I just had to get my classroom and paperwork in order. It was driving me nuts. I am exhausted but excited at the same time.

Monday will be so much better for me having an organized room with everything where it goes. Papers filed, sticky notes on papers that need to go here, there, and yonder! Makeup work, papers that need to be graded, ones that need to be entered into my gradebook, lesson plans, copy folder turned in, and all the other things that I am too tired to remember!

Other than the cleaning crew, I was the last person to leave. That was okay, though. It was very quiet and peaceful. A luxury that I don't get to have that often, especially at the school!

Good for you, Squiggle! It really does feel so good to be organized. And to know your week will have such a good start!

[ECHOES]

My life has been feeling much better recently. Therapy has helped so much.
Yet... I feel I haven't reached a depth in therapy that I would like to. It is me. I can't get there. I still hide a lot of myself. Here.. There.. Everywhere.
I just hope to get there someday

[FourRedheads]

I am struggling today. I feel like a little girl--abandoned and sad. I'm trying to keep myself occupied but these feelings keep coming up. I'm even considering calling T and asking if I can come earlier than Thursday.

[Rose76]

Wow. I forgot what forum I was on when posting above. That post was way too dragged out for this thread. I don't like to screw up that way, and I do like to respect the orientation of each forum. I'm working on it.

Rose,

Not sure which post you are referring to, but I don't see anything wrong with anything you posted. Although the title of the thread is "Daily Roll Call", it is more than that. It's really just about whatever is going on with you on any given day.

I know that my posts are much more than just 'roll call' stuff. Whatever is on my mind that day, is what I post. Kinda like a journal of my daily ups and downs. It helps me alot of come in here and just say what I need to say. That is why I like this thread so much. There are really no boundaries. People can comment if they like, or just read them and see how everyone is doing.

So, I would encourage you (and everyone else) to just say what you need to say. If you have something to vent or say to your therapist, you can go to the other thread "Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist........"

(((((Rose76))))) I don't think you screwed up!

Mum drove me to the stables to ride my horse today, was good to get back in the saddle after two weeks. I've really missed not being able to drive there. Riding and driving are my go-to things for feeling better. So today turned out alright in the end.

However, this morning I was tired and downbeat as I'd not got much sleep and been woken up early, plans had changed etc, I've been on a downer for a couple weeks, then it was raining... yadda yadda... long story short, mum wasn't too impressed with me. She doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm down, she takes it personally. She gets really irritable, often suddenly blowing up at me for no real reason. She doe's that childish thing of slamming doors or shouting and then storming off, cursing over her shoulder, for other people to hear. Real mature, like. But then, she'll take me shopping and buy me a top or something?! I'd rather she was more emotionally consistant and never bought me a thing. I feel like I have to put on my 'coping' act for her, so we can pretend everything's okay. Some days though it's just too much effort for me to muster, you know? I find myself withdrawing, barely speaking. And that's when things get a little fractured. Thing is, we fight, but while she's happy a mere five minutes later, I remember and take to heart all the nasty things she says... I think she could use some therapy herself, but she'd never be one to analyse her own behavior, y'anno?