really not sure what to do. don't have an appt till Tuesday and I'm not even sure I trust him. crisis team have stopped calling. I can't call anyone. but I know I am not safe. don't know what to do.

[OneRedRose]

I accidently left my alarm clock on to wake me up at 1:20am, then my mum woke me up at around 3 am she thought it was 7am so she put on the radio then tried to turn it off and 'accidently' put it on full volume so that woke me, couldnt sleep after that, couldnt stop thinking about T and how she seemed to be alittle distant last session and college and their lack of communication over my maths, and the dream I had the previous night, started getting really anxious, had enough of the college anxiety, think ima chase them up today on my maths class because this is something thats been bothering me for 2 weeks and ill be damned if it causes me another night of worrying, im late for college rushing round, but just wanted to get these thoughts down somewhere, so hopefully the worry from last night wont follow me to college.

[OneRedRose]

I didnt get onto my maths course!! this is MESSED UP!, 3 years of college now ill have to do altogether! 3 years to do a one year course!! :S I signed up to an access course as its a fast track into uni (2 year course squeezed into 1 year) but they said my grades werent good enough and put me on the pre access course which is one year, then i get finally put on my access course, then get told the week i start that my qualifications dont count for last years gcse's as they were not full qualifications but not to worry i can do GCSE maths as theirs still spaces, so i sign up to GCSE maths only to be rejected! now after this course I have to do GCSE maths for a year!!! WTF do they think i am growing money or something?? i cant afford all these courses

[nicoleb2]

Still in a lot of pain. Saw the van that I crashed in. I am amazed that I didn't get hurt worse.
3 years ago today, I walked into my moms hospital room and watched her die. I wanted to go to the cemetery myself so if I lose it, I'd be alone. I am on pain pills so I can't drive myself there

**possibly a trigger, for a less than perfect mother/daughter relationship!**

Got woke up by a text message from my mum, even though I've repeatedly asked her not to contact me until late afternoon. I often sleep late as it can be mid-morning by the time I doze off.

Not only did she wake me, but triggered me as well. She was accusing friends of lying about things, jumping to conclusions of what may or may not have happened, and basically being aggro and childish. (Over something really simple: someone bringing our horse in from the field. Actually, MY horse, and I was fine with it. She didn't need to get involved.)

I had to txt her back, setting her straight in a diplomatic fashion. Filled with anxiety, and a general feeling of "FFS!!!" (Anger? Frustration? Rage?!) I couldn't get back to sleep. This actually ruined any potential in my day. I think this is what they mean by 'getting out of the wrong side of bed' -- only, I just didn't bother. Meanwhile, she will have forgotten all about her anger and bile, and the tantrum via SMS, and will be having a fine old time. She always does. She can swing from mood to mood with no lasting effect -- whilst my better moods are fragile, and I'm ever so easily cast into a deep depression. She's always done that to me -- dragged me down along with her and then left me there. And now she does it via the convenience of text message.

I think I'm actually going to have to set a boundary with her - that she cannot contact me in this way. Is that too harsh? All I get from her via text is negativity. I can't even ignore it or turn my phone off, because she expects an answer and flies into a rage if I don't. It's actually very hard for me to reach her, as she DOES turn her phone off, but she expects to be able to reach me 24/7 -- not to be a parent or friend to me, but basically to b!tch about stuff. I don't want to have to deal with that. I also don't think it should be the primary method of communication for us, as mother and daughter. It's so cold and uncaring. Even after my car crash when I was in a very bad state, she only communicated with me via the odd SMS (mostly about the insurance. Not even 'Are you okay?'... Oh, and when I called her, she hung up.)

Anyway.
I finally out of bed, briefly, at 7.30pm - to give the ponies their teatime nets. I spent a little time downstairs to eat and watch TV with dad, before retreating back to my bed within the hour.

During my routine checking of social sites, I read a poem someone had posted on their FB wall about a stray dog, and this was enough to have me crying my eyes out.

Lots to talk to T about next week!!
I just need to get to next week. These days seem so long. I wish I could see T more often, but I can barely afford to go as it is.

Sorry, another long and self-indulgent post.

[kaliope]

So it has been a week since i left a crying message on T's voice mail. five days since i left a message regarding an experience with psychosis that scared me on my flight to my daughters house requesting what i should do to insure it didnt happen on my way home and two days since i called T asking him to please call me and let me know that everything was ok, that he wasnt mad at me. Now it is past five on friday and T still hasnt called me back. I dont know what to think about this. My imagination is running wild with worry.

Just an FYI.....my main computer is down. Having to use my laptop. PC won't let me stayed logged in for some reason. Don't know if its this laptop or something I need to contact PC about? Anyway, I am still around. Just may not be able to comment much. Hopefully the situation with our main computers will be fixed on Tuesday~ I don't like laptops!

[SilentLucidity]

POSSIBLE TRIGGER - SA (I don't see a trigger button, sorry)

Today was ridiculously horrible. Cried in the car on the way to work. Tried to get a consult with a new pdoc on the third attempt to get through voice mail I found out I didn't have some super secret ten digit code. Tried the second pdoc on my list and got a human, but couldn't get an appointment for four weeks and I am in trouble now. Had a meeting at work and nearly cried - just didn't let the tears leave my eye sockets, but it was obvious I was not happy. Got stuck late a work. Tried to find solace at my favorite cafe (I like this like spot that is in a corner and faces out to a park across the way) I look up from my journalling to see a guy standing in the bushes looking at me while he was _____________ and I don't mean urinating. (sorry if that is a trigger for anyone) I was the only one in that section of the cafe. Very shaken up by this - literally shaking. I called my husband to come and walk me to my car. Just afraid. Cried in the car on the way home. Then I had a long discussion with my husband about a problem I am having a work. Bless his heart he is trying to be helpful, but he gets all worked up about it in ways that won't help which just makes it a situation I have to struggle through at work AND home. I feel like having a date with Captain Morgan, but I promised T I wouldn't do that anymore. Angry at self for promising T anything. Would like to break into T's office and take a nap on her couch. No one needs to know.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by SilentLucidity

Would like to break into T's office and take a nap on her couch. No one needs to know.

(((SilentLucidity))) I wanna go to my therapist's waiting room, hit the fast forward button until it's my session next week. Sorry you had a rough day.

[SilentLucidity]

Rainbow Rose - I think I might need your wish more than mine right now.

Just found out that the son of some very close friends of ours was in a brutal car accident yesterday. They had to amputate his right leg. The left leg is severely broken and he will have more surgery today. It really has me shaken. Awful, awful.
Had to call my parents to let them know.

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I've had an utterly boring, anxiety-riddled, depressed, unproductive day.

The day after therapy is always like this for me and I can't stand it. It's like PTSD from therapy or something. I can only think of ONE time where I haven't gotten it; usually every week, the day after t, (and sometimes the day following that as well) I feel like I was hit by a truck.

THIS is the feeling that makes me want to quit therapy. This feeling is so awful and so uncomfortable that I almost can't stand it. I just want to crawl out of my skin. I'm trying to sit with it, but it's so hard, and I almost can't function like this. And then, just went it starts to get better, I'm gearing up to go back to T again.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

Yep. This is how it was for me too, for years. And it felt like "WHY am I doing this to myself?" I guess my hope was just a teeny bit bigger than my hopelessness.

It's not like that now. I don't know why it changed, but it did. It won't be like this forever...hang in there

Originally Posted by kaliope

So it has been a week since i left a crying message on T's voice mail. five days since i left a message regarding an experience with psychosis that scared me on my flight to my daughters house requesting what i should do to insure it didnt happen on my way home and two days since i called T asking him to please call me and let me know that everything was ok, that he wasnt mad at me. Now it is past five on friday and T still hasnt called me back. I dont know what to think about this. My imagination is running wild with worry.

((((((kaliope))))))

I know that it might feel impossible to not make up stories in you head about what T is doing/thinking, but try to remember...whatever stories you are making up probably aren't true.

It's Saturday morning...I have a huge ongoing story in my head about what T's life is like outside of therapy. In my story, he's out doing things on Saturday morning...eating breakfast out with his family, volunteering at his church, maybe doing yard work or going for a hike. This morning, I had to go to my son's music teacher's house (by T's house) and T's car was sitting there in the driveway. And it was ANOTHER reminder that the fantasy life T lives in my head isn't the same thing as T's real life.

It's SO hard to wait for a call back. For me, minutes feel like HOURS, days feel like weeks, and on and one. And then we finally connect and *poof*, relief.

I hope you hear from him soon

((((((hugs)))))) to all. October can be a hard month, and things like car accidents and broken computers and job/school stress and disappearing T's don't help.

It won't feel like this forever.

[nicoleb2]

Having a really tough day. I am still in so much pin from my car accident. I am scared every time I get into a vehicle now, even when I am not driving (I haven't driven since that morning).
I feel totally worthless. I wrecked my husband's van, my transmission quit working, so now my husband has to drive me everywhere. I can't do anything around the house because I hurt worse when I move, and even vicodin is not helping.
I don't want to exist anymore

I wish that people did not make so light of "anxiety disorders". It is not funny,not something to joke about, and NOT something that we can get over! I hate it when someone tells me, "You will be fine. Just go and have fun". Well, it may not be that easy for me. I never know what my triggers may be.

I already feel bad enough that I am like this. Don't belittle me by making light of my disability! (This is what I wish I could tell them).

I took things out on my hair again. This time I'm back to (almost) black, and I took a razor to it to shorten the back. It looks okay, I think, and I look more like 'me' again... I'll probably hate it tomorrow

I feel a little less gloomy today after getting out on my horse. Had a bit of a gallop across a field with the girls -- it was muddy, and I was at the back of the ride, so got mud splatters all over me. Was kinda funny. My horse means the world to me, when I'm sat on her back I feel so much better. It's weird, if I'd have thought anything was going to make me 'anxious' it'd be galloping across a field on horseback.

(((((hugs to everyone)))))

I had a massage tonight (get them monthly) and I once again had "rocks" in my shoulders, where I carry all my stress.... but the only stress I am actually under is my T being gone... .... my job is just fine and my personal life is good... the only stress is from T being out of the country the last two months, so my mind feels like its falling apart. We need her to come back so badly, we need to hear from her SO BAD. I keep staring at my phone and trying to "will" it to ring.

I feel incredibly numb. I'm struggling so hard, and have been for a while. Oct through the New Year are impossible for me for many reasons. I had to fight so hard just to make it through, and part of me wonders why I fight so hard when the void I have will just continue to stay empty anyway.

I find myself jealous and angry about losing a T that was important to me, and feeling incredibly upset that others get to 'keep' her while I cannot. Even though I knew going into it that that would be the arrangement. I want to stomp like a toddler and throw a fit. What good would any of it do? None.

Everything is spinning and everything hurts. And no one really knows it. And even wehn I voice it nothing changes. I just continue to get lashed with the hurtful words and feelings of abandonment. I continue to be reminded over and over again how much I don't matter, and will never be or get enough.

Sigh.

The weather is beautiful today. Doors and windows open. Fresh breeze flowing through the house. It puts you in a good mood. I feel like going outside and lying out in the yard, soaking it all up. Wish I had a hammock to lie in!

It takes my mind off of the 3 day trip I am taking later this week. I want to have a good time, but I am terribly anxious about it. The main reason is that I don't want 'my secret' to be exposed. My secret: anxiety/panic attacks.

I did tell the 'driver' about it. She brushed it off, though. Like, "Oh, you will be fine. We are going to have a blast." She may have a blast, but I will be dodging triggers and trying to take deep breathes so I don't go into a full panic attack!

[alwaysrejoice]

I'm just ok, which is really good compared to how i was a month ago. Tomorrow is my 8th ECT. I hope it's the last, I'll find out tomorrow. I'm a little upset that my pdoc cannot see me until Nov 14th. My short term disablility ends Oct 31st and I need him to approve an extention.

[kaliope]

i wrote a post last night, i know i did, i responded to squiggles post about people minimizing others anxiety. and i was writing all kinds of weird stuff because i was spacing out while i was writing and i was reading it and asking myself where did that sentence come from, that has absolutely nothing to do with anything and i would delete it. so maybe i never hit the post button before i shut it down. i came back to see what i actually posted. had been up since 6am friday and missed some meds.

BUT for a good reason....my daughter had her baby. a beautiful little boy. and i know all grandmas would say that but i am not one who would say a baby is cute unless it was. and he sure is cute. i was a bit bothered tho by something she said while in labor. she was dying while he contractions were two min apart and only thirty seconds long. i talked her into an epidural telling her she was never gonna make it to the end if it was this bad for her now. she said she would feel like a failure, with all the pain and rough things shes been through in her life (molested 2x) she should be able to handle it. i explained there was a difference between physical and emotional pain. i told her i take meds today so i dont have to deal with pain and suffering any more. she says that if i can make it thru three natural childbirths she should surely be able to make it thru one. it mad me sad that she said that, that she sees me as weak. i once read a story she wrote that i came across on the computer. it said my mom has a mind held together with elmers glue and everytime it rains, the glue dissolves and her mind falls apart. ive done so much and she still sees me as weak.

well i better go buy her hambergers.

please, everybody, be kind to yourselves.

[OneRedRose]

nice day, no headaches for first time in 10 months no painkillers even if i needed some later it still an achievement been gaming all day out of celebration but i guess also testing, and ive been fine so happy with that, have eye doctors tomorrow though to see if anything to do with my eyes is causing the headaches, so wish me luck! I kinda hope they do find something because otherwise the problem could be more serious, or more annoying!

Congrats kaliope!

I feel so exhausted this evening. I've had a good day though, it's been dry and sunny, and I got out for a lovely ride.

I went back and read all of my PC posts from last October this morning. Octobers have been horrible for me for as long as I can remember. I mean, REALLY, crazy bad.

Last October, I worked really, really hard to make it different. And it was a HARD month. Early last year I decided to run a half marathon at the end of October, to give me a positive goal to work towards. I run, but haven't done a half marathon in years. I got a symbolic tattoo at the beginning of the month...it's a sun, with a spiral inside. For me, it symbolized the journey I was taking in therapy...the spiral is the trip inward (and back out again) and the sun is a reminder that even when it's dark, the sun is still there somewhere. I went to a big, big spiritual event that I bought tickets for a few months earlier. I pretty much had something big and symbolic planned for each week of the month.

I said the words about what happened when I was 8 for the first time, out loud, to ANYONE.

And I just felt whatever came up. I expected it to be kind of positive, but it was actually a REALLY difficult month. A lot of sadness, a lot of old feelings.

And now I think that the work paid off. Because it's THIS October, and I'm FINE. It's just a normal month, like September, or November. The memories come up, but I can let them go. There are twinges of feelings, but not like before, when the hospital was a real possibility. I'm OKAY.

Reading my old posts was interesting. I saw how HARD I worked and how HARD T worked. He said that someday I would have power over the memory instead of it having power over me.

And I think he was RIGHT.