[Hope-Full]

What does it look like to "work hard" in therapy?

I see my T twice a week, I bring things up to her that I wouldn't dream of talking about anywhere else, and express things to her that I can't believe are actually escaping my head. I journal between sessions, I read on this message board, I even try to read therapy-related books/articles that might be helpful.

I am good at working when I know what work looks like, but I can't figure out what this kind of work looks like! I do intend to talk to my T about this, maybe...

[Indie'sOK]

I wonder the same thing... I often worry that T thinks I'm not working hard enough, even though I'm doing all the things you listed. That's not being passive about the whole process - doing all those things is doing a lot!

Note to self: another thing to ask her about.

[sunrise]

I think of work in therapy as being something that is hard to do. Like talking about painful topics and exploring what you need to heal. Sharing what hurts despite being hurt again by the experience. Making yourself vulnerable--no easy feat. Trying to consider things in a different light despite having thought about them a certain way for decades. Wanting to move forward when it's less painful to sit still.

I feel like you know it when you have done hard work in session. You may feel kind of exhausted. But sometimes you may feel lighter too.

Sounds like a great discussion to have with your T.

[Omers]

My T yells me I try to make her do all the work. I would love an answer to this one. I have no clue what she means even though she has tried to explain.

[Hope-Full]

I think of work in therapy as being something that is hard to do. Like talking about painful topics and exploring what you need to heal. Sharing what hurts despite being hurt again by the experience. Making yourself vulnerable--no easy feat. Trying to consider things in a different light despite having thought about them a certain way for decades. Wanting to move forward when it's less painful to sit still.

Hmmm.... this is helpful, actually. My T said that there is going to be a lot of hard work ahead, and I'm trying to wrap my head around what that work will look like. I think we've dabbled in lots of what you mentioned above already, but there is lots more to deal with.

My T tells me I try to make her do all the work.

Yes, I know I do this to my T a lot as well. I think that is part of this process for me - moving from wanting her to have the answers and do the work -> to me doing the work to find the answers with her help.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Hope-Full

What does it look like to "work hard" in therapy?

I see my T twice a week, I bring things up to her that I wouldn't dream of talking about anywhere else, and express things to her that I can't believe are actually escaping my head. I journal between sessions, I read on this message board, I even try to read therapy-related books/articles that might be helpful.

I am good at working when I know what work looks like, but I can't figure out what this kind of work looks like! I do intend to talk to my T about this, maybe...

I personally think that the real work of therapy is taking control of and assuming responsibility for your own life. That is the ultimate freedom.

But it takes a lot of work to get there. There has to be a shift from the cognitive "knowing" that a change is needed, to a in the bones "feeling" that such change can occur and you are ultimately the catalyst of it.

I think a lot of us have been taught very very well that what happens to us is largely out of our hands. In a sense, this is true, we can no more control the majority of our lives than we can control the tides. However, we can control how we perceive and react to the situation.

This work definitely comes in phases. Accepting the absolute beauty of vulnerability is, for some (me!) an essential step in the opening up to the world and assuming my place in it, free of fear.

That was/is still the hardest thing for me.

I read on these boards so often of people resisting their therapist. I totally get that, but I've learned it takes so much more energy to hold things in than to let it out.

Just my thoughts.

Whenever we have talked about some scary/emotional/hard things (like past abuse), and whenever we have something going on and we allow ourselves to have feelings about it (instead of numbing out)... T always says we really worked hard. So apparently "hard work" has something to do with being truthful (instead of in denial, our normal stance ), letting feelings out, and facing things head on-- that's my best guess!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

Whenever we have talked about some scary/emotional/hard things (like past abuse), and whenever we have something going on and we allow ourselves to have feelings about it (instead of numbing out)... T always says we really worked hard. So apparently "hard work" has something to do with being truthful (instead of in denial, our normal stance ), letting feelings out, and facing things head on-- that's my best guess!

Yeah, I think this is it. Trying to learn how to be as honest as possible. Notice any resistance to opening up. Go in to session with the express intention of looking at yourself clearly.

I had asked T at end of session, "But what can I DO? (meaning in between sessions) She said that day to day life is the workshop. What happens in life is what we'll bring into session. Notice when we get emotional. Notice our emotions - don't stuff them. Be aware. Things that challenge us the most in RL emotionally we should bring to our T's to discuss.

That's the work. It's not a concrete thing like studying a book and then taking a test. It is a complete shift from our normal view of looking outwards and instead looking inwards. It can be very illusive but the more we're attentive to ourselves the more we can bring stuff to session. At least that's been my experience.

i think working hard in T is different for everybody. Trauma work is HARD - admitting and accepting and moving forward....I don't know if "work" is the right word for it because it implies a task that can be finished. I don't know if I can.

For me a lot of my hard work has been around coping with every day life. Getting through the day, dealing with people, not obsessing, dealing with my illness, dealing with going to work...so learning coping skills and putting them to work for future problems. That's been the focus of my therapy for years. You'd think i'd have it down by now.

[Hope-Full]

I personally think that the real work of therapy is taking control of and assuming responsibility for your own life. That is the ultimate freedom.

But it takes a lot of work to get there. There has to be a shift from the cognitive "knowing" that a change is needed, to a in the bones "feeling" that such change can occur and you are ultimately the catalyst of it.

This is the hard realization I have come to - I can't wish for my T to fix things for me, I have to do the work myself. It's the acceptance piece that I am still kinda stuck!

Whenever we have talked about some scary/emotional/hard things (like past abuse), and whenever we have something going on and we allow ourselves to have feelings about it (instead of numbing out)...

This is helpful, too.

I had asked T at end of session, "But what can I DO? (meaning in between sessions) She said that day to day life is the workshop. What happens in life is what we'll bring into session. Notice when we get emotional. Notice our emotions - don't stuff them. Be aware. Things that challenge us the most in RL emotionally we should bring to our T's to discuss.

That's the work. It's not a concrete thing like studying a book and then taking a test. It is a complete shift from our normal view of looking outwards and instead looking inwards. It can be very illusive but the more we're attentive to ourselves the more we can bring stuff to session. At least that's been my experience.

Ugh! This is so hard though! I want to be able to do more than just LIVE between sessions! I get it, though, I suppose.

admitting and accepting and moving forward....I don't know if "work" is the right word for it because it implies a task that can be finished. I don't know if I can.

For me a lot of my hard work has been around coping with every day life.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

[Hope-Full]

So, for example, when I write out a note that I want to share with my T, would I be skimping out on my part of the work if I give it to my T to read instead of reading it out loud to myself? Sometimes the writing of the note (a condensed version of my journals between sessions, usually only one or two focus points) is hard enough, and when my T wants me to read it out loud, it could take me half the appointment to get through it, whereas if I had it right to my T to read, it takes 5 minutes and we have the rest of the time to discuss.

I get that the big piece of this is showing up with who you are, the real you, and taking responsibility for the work. But it's that elusive "work" that throws me off.

[kaliope]

I was told about DBT and groups available. Well I ordered a workbook on dbt and tried it on my own but wasnt able to really get it so i called and asked about the groups. The person I talked to actually said "Wow. Someone actually willing to do the work! Thats refreshing."

I think the work refers to taking what our T's give us and doing something with it. Like when my T told me I thought in a certain way that wasnt healthy. Pointing that out and then me noticing that thinking in my daily life and changing it is working. When my T and I look at my negative coping skills and discuss positive coping skills i can use to replace the negative ones. Taking that information and incorporating the positive coping skills into my life takes work.

So when i leave a session and T says "Keep up the good work" I know he is talking about the changes I have made to improve the way I cope with life on a daily basis that have taken me from this anxious individual that cried all the time and thrived on chaos to someone who is much calmer, never cries, and leads a somewhat boring life now that all the chaos is gone.

[rainbow8]

Hope-Full, thanks for starting this thread! I've had Ts tell me I'm working hard and I didn't exactly know what that meant, either. My former T often told me that SHE was doing the work, that I wasn't. Hmm. I've gone to therapy for years but didn't change much. Change is hard! But if work also includes being honest with your T and saying things that make you blush and want to hide, then I've been working. It's interesting to read the replies on a topic I've never seen addressed before! Thanks.

[jazzy123456]

I think just having the courage to go each week... when you know something you might discuss may be painful.embarrassing.difficult.. is hard enough work too me.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I personally think that the real work of therapy is taking control of and assuming responsibility for your own life. That is the ultimate freedom.

But it takes a lot of work to get there. There has to be a shift from the cognitive "knowing" that a change is needed, to a in the bones "feeling" that such change can occur and you are ultimately the catalyst of it.

I think a lot of us have been taught very very well that what happens to us is largely out of our hands. In a sense, this is true, we can no more control the majority of our lives than we can control the tides. However, we can control how we perceive and react to the situation.

This work definitely comes in phases. Accepting the absolute beauty of vulnerability is, for some (me!) an essential step in the opening up to the world and assuming my place in it, free of fear.

That was/is still the hardest thing for me.

I read on these boards so often of people resisting their therapist. I totally get that, but I've learned it takes so much more energy to hold things in than to let it out.

Just my thoughts.

so... resisting doesn't just mean disagreeing, it means not sharing difficult stuff too... that's what I got out of reading your post I think. thanks. I've been thinking I'm doing what I'm supposed to by not arguing, and trying to be open minded about anything he says, but maybe I'm being too quiet. Definitely hasn't felt like we're getting anywhere lately.

[laceylu]

Session is hard. But what is hard work is processing the session and then changing our behavior. I have been stuck in depression and now I have come to realization after realization since I started T about my behavior and the memories I did not process with my first T 20 years ago. T asks me what did I learn/remember from the last session. I am mentally exhausted so I figure I must be doing hard work.