[Indie'sOK]

I might have mentioned this idea somewhere before. Basically what I'm doing right now is compiling all my useful PC posts (just mine, don't worry) into one "journal" of sorts in MS Word to print out and read in therapy, so that she can gain a better understanding of how I'm feeling outside of what I say in T. I seem to write in greater detail here than I do in my journal. By "useful" I mean any post I've made, usually the thread starting post, that gives insight into or accurately describes a problem I've been having lately. Do you guys think this is a good idea? I'm worried that it might come across as sort of exasperating to my T...maybe she won't want to read all this stuff or hear me read it to her. Maybe she's tired of our conversations consisting of so much journal reading. Maybe she just wants to hear it straight from the source - my mind. Except that I have a problem with even remembering these little details in the first place. I'll be consumed by a particular issue one day, then come session a few days later, my mind will go blank and I'll answer her "how've you been?" with nothing more than an "ok I guess". So that's my reason for doing this..what do you think?

Maybe I should download this journal thingie to PC in case nobody understands my idea...

[Wren_]

I think ..... doing that might be something that helps you; gives you something to read back on and learn from then you can talk to your T and see if it's something that would help in sessions or not?

I do this just about every session. It has been tremendously helpful. Sometimes I ask her to read it out loud, but sometimes I read it out loud. Sometimes I ask her to read it silently.

I always have something printed out just in case I need it.

[rainbow_rose]

I think it's a great idea~!

[Indie'sOK]

Thank you everyone - good to know I'm not the only person who does this! If anyone cared to do so and if I could figure out how to attach a Word document to a forum post, I'd make it available to read here. Since the file isn't actually on the internet, I'm not sure this is possible

Originally Posted by Indie'sOK

Thank you everyone - good to know I'm not the only person who does this! If anyone cared to do so and if I could figure out how to attach a Word document to a forum post, I'd make it available to read here. Since the file isn't actually on the internet, I'm not sure this is possible

I just did a copy and paste with mine. I have done that quite a few times on here. Just copy what you wrote in the Word Document and paste in here. That should work.

[Indie'sOK]

If anyone wants to read, here's what I'm going to bring to T Monday.

Helpful posts that say a lot...

They say things I either forget or avoid saying myself.

I guess it’s like an online journal of sorts.

Forum posts

July 20th-
(In response to a discussion about self-injury)
Post #1
“My last relapse really scared me because I needed medical attention. Staying SI free wasn't that difficult because I was too afraid of the consequences to act on my urges again. It just wasn't worth it. But the urges do come, especially when someone hurts my feelings (such as by talking about me behind my back, etc). These were the times when SI was most appealing, but thankfully the urges never materialized.”

Post #2
(While studying for the SAT, my perfectionism becomes even more apparent)
“Yeesh...taking these SAT practice tests makes me feel like an idiot...or worse - a bad writer. I took a three hour long online test and got 51% of the questions right. Boo...Of course I don't expect myself to know them all, but wouldn't I know at least a little bit more? I want to get in the 99th percentile for reading and writing, not in the 70s or 80s, for crying out loud. Yes I know this sounds petty, but please understand - I feel like I have to succeed at this...I have to make it. "Making it" in my mind translates to being better than most. Better than 99% of test-takers, to be exact.”

July 19th-
(In response to a discussion about body issues)
Post #1
“I've always had body issues, but I don't post in the Eating Disorders forum because it just doesn't feel right. And having potentially come close to developing bulimia, I don't want to fuel that fire. This sounds whiny – so pathetic and cliché for a 16 year old girl. But that doesn't mean the issue shouldn't be taken seriously. I hate it. I've tried - God knows how many times I've tried - to drum up some motivation to lose weight, but it never sticks. My motivation falls flat within the week. That's not laziness - that's a problem that needs to be addressed. I realize that. But do you know how hard it is to talk about body issues in therapy? The issue is embarrassing, it's gross and should be kept private. It's one of the few things I can't bring up with my therapist. I love her approach to therapy and her no-nonsense personality, but I just cannot share this stuff. At least not yet.
I was looking around online one day and came across something called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder”. So I went to its Wikipedia page. And found this amongst other information:

Certain personality traits may make someone more susceptible to developing BDD. Personality traits which have been proposed as contributing factors include:
Perfectionism
Introversion/shyness
Neuroticism
Sensitivity to rejection or criticism
Unassertiveness
Avoidant personality
Schizoid personality
Social phobia
Social anxiety disorder
Perfectionism? Check. Introversion? Ditto. Same for every one of these with the exception of Avoidant and Schizoid PD. I think it's possible I might have BDD too. And I hate to self-diagnose, but tell me that having all these traits isn't cause for worry.”

Post #2
“I don't know, I've read the symptoms (of the abovementioned disorder) and I do have most of them. But it says that one of the requirements is that the imperfection has to be imagined, that it can't really exist. But what if it does? What if I have the symptoms, but the imperfection is real?”

Post #3
“I don't compare myself to a cover girl - I know those standards are impossible to achieve. It's fake. What I'm saying is that this doesn't seem like a small thing to me. I'm not saying I am 100% sure I have this disorder. Quite frankly I don't care about a diagnosis in the first place. I just don't feel taken seriously, I guess (by other members of the forum that believe body issues in teens are caused entirely from peer pressure and hormonal changes). People will look at what I've described above and chalk it up to "normal teenage frustration". They'll attribute my self-loathing to anger at not being able to attain supermodel perfection. It's become a teenage stereotype that leaves people like me in the dark - those who take the issue a step further to where it becomes almost an obsession. My weight bothers me, consciously and subconsciously, almost every minute of the day. I'm aware of it constantly. This isn't the same as staring at the cover of Cosmo and thinking "man, I wish I could look like her". That's all I'm saying. Sorry if this offends, but I am disgusted by the fact that society views a potential psychological issue as nothing more than teenage angst. If I were a 50 year old woman, would people still think I hated my body just because it isn't like those featured in Playboy?”

July 17th-
(Daily mood update)
“I know it sounds cliché, especially for my age, but I really hate myself right now. The way I look, my attitude, everything. My only redeeming quality is my writing and my art. It is cliché, but just because every other 16 year old feels the same, why should that make my feelings any less significant? In other words, why do I have to justify feeling this way just because I’m young?”

July 10th-
(A post to an online support website)
Hi there,
You guys probably know most of my history already, but in the interest of details...
I've struggled with issues such as depression, anxiety, and self-injury on and off for years, probably since about the age of 11 or 12 (self-injury came later, at 14 or 15). My nervousness began in late elementary school or early middle school following experiences with bullying. My anxiety would kick into overdrive - whenever I'd hear people laughing or gossiping, I'd automatically assume they were talking about me. This escalated throughout middle school and into high school, at which point my other "issues" started to come into play. Though I've never been officially diagnosed with it, I've done a lot of research on mild depression, and when I came across something called "dysthymic disorder", the symptoms seemed to fit. All but perhaps two of them fit me startlingly closely. I realize this post may come across that I'm looking for a disorder to label myself with, but this isn't true. I'm just curious as to what's going on. Maybe if I understood more of these things about myself, it would aid in my therapy. Anyways, with this thought in mind, I found a depression forum online and posted my question to it. I mentioned my art and writing, and how I constantly am frustrated by both to an obsessive degree. I'm a perfectionist and am constantly comparing myself to others (when I say "constantly", I don't use the term lightly). Someone on this depression forum, upon reading about my writing, mentioned that these kinds of issues are common for writers and are to be expected. This kind of angered me - are my feelings not real until I have their physical proof? Until I cry for help on the forum, thereby becoming the recipient of countless virtual hugs, are my suspicions not valid? I have their physical proof on my body...I see it every damn day, remembering the despair that caused me to harm myself in such a way. I don't know what this post is asking for...I just am tired of hearing that whatever issues plague me can all be chalked up to having an ‘artist's mentality’”.

July 9th-
Post #1
(In the midst of whatever sadness I was experiencing at the time, I realized that I felt this way often, under the surface. I posted about it on a depression website)
“Hi everyone,
I know I don't usually post here, so I'm sorry for coming first thing with questions..
But last week in therapy, my therapist and I were discussing my depression (or what might appear to be - I've never become fully convinced on its existence) She says I really don't fit the category of major depression, rather dysthymia. I've become familiar with this diagnosis because I've done research on it. So I went to the Wikipedia page for this disorder, and it sounds...just like me. The reason I still am not convinced is because it doesn't make sense, logically. So I've felt sad for years, since about the age of 11 or 12, but isn't that normal for teenagers? It was never just normal sadness, though. It was deeper and broader than that. Still is. I don't know if it's hopelessness or what – there isn’t a word for it that I can think of.
What about the fact that I laugh? I laugh! I'm a funny person! How is that characteristic of depression?
The other symptoms fit to a T. Irritability, low self-esteem, lack of motivation etc. Some things come and go, like sleep and eating issues (too much of both).
I just don't get it. I apologize if I've written one of these "what's wrong with me can you help me I don't get it" posts before. I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have this, and does this sound like it could be depression or dysthymia? I guess my self-image and confidence are what I struggle with most. I hate my body. When it's about my work (art and writing) I'll feel great about it for a while, then think it's crap.
Thanks for any help. Maybe I just need a kick in the pants.”

Post #2
(After others assumed that “it’s all due to having the mindset of a writer” (which is a nice way of saying that I’m full of bull), I replied with this)
“I guess what I meant to say is that my sad feelings at times lie dormant underneath the more lighthearted feelings on the surface, you know?...Especially the irritability. You have never met a person more irritable than I. I try to lift my moods with humor and sometimes am able to, temporarily of course, but always there is the original, deeper crap under the surface. I hope this makes sense. I feel like I have to justify my feelings to others because I'm not even able to accurately describe them in the first place.”



Journal entries

July 1st-
“Hi. Erm…I’m going to come right out and say this. I really don’t know what brings me to see you anymore. My anxiety is greatly diminished, and since that was my presenting issue, I just don’t know what to do. It’s not that I want to stop coming, just that I wonder if I should. Here’s a thought – maybe it’s not so much that I lack the motivation to get better as much as that I have nothing to recover from in the first place. I think now about my emotions as of lately; all the feelings I encounter daily, and which are present most often. I realize now that I am frustrated. Waiting. Irritated by myself and my work, especially. Waiting for the opportunity to unload that frustration and to really “be heard”. I realize that this may come as a smack in the face to you – I can understand any anger toward me that this may bring about. But I view it this way…since I don’t see you more than two hours out of the month, that leaves me to keep everything inside for the remaining 29 days. Obviously no person on earth has a 24 hour confidant, so perhaps therein lies part of the problem? (my neediness, I mean) I strongly desire the words that could express to you what it feels like to be in a state of constant self-analysis and examination. Alone, writing or perhaps even out with family during the daytime, I reflect on my feelings and find myself, as usual, waiting for someone to notice the fact that this reflection takes on a life of its own. Do you remember my telling you how I would confide in my Psychology teacher? This is what I meant. I know that what I’m saying probably makes little sense, given that you are that person I can trust. Writing this, I have the ever-present, increasing fear that my issues are nothing more than the petty frustrations expected of a writer. A writer consumed with her work and self-conscious of it to an unhealthy degree. This is typical and most likely will never change. I bet you’re growing tired of hearing me use my interest in writing as the catchall excuse for whatever ails me at the moment. In other words, I hear myself exclaim “you don’t need therapy – you need a life coach or a good English teacher!” If my problems, everything that I’m dealing with, is nothing more than yet another example of the tendency of writers to lean towards emotional instability, I’ll take it. Really. Because my desire to create surpasses that to reach “normal” sanity (which I probably am already in possession of and don’t know it). But I’m still not sure whether my artistic mentality is at the root of my problems. So that’s why I keep coming back to therapy. A part of me believes you wish I wouldn’t. I know I’m stubborn and my thoughts redundant. At least I’m aware of this much.

*There are a few more entries written in my journal, but this thing is getting too long!*

This is what I gather after having read through all these posts…I’m a normal person obsessed with figuring out what’s wrong with me. Ok, kidding. But not really. It seems like I’m constantly searching for the answer, expecting it to drop right into my lap (or rather, come to me in an online discussion). I’m exasperating, I know. I can’t put into words how I feel about this whole thing – this everything. Everything to do with my state of mind, the way I convey it through writing, the way I analyze that writing to the point where the words blur and I can’t discern what from what. It’s so confusing and I don’t think I can do it on my own. I have this vision in mind that I don’t acknowledge on a conscious level, but it’s now obvious. It’s like I expect this all to be taken care of by the time I reach college age, so that I can say “Yep, I’m ok now and better for having gone through it and here’s a dandy book I wrote on my experiences…” But that can’t happen, because this..thing, whatever it is, is a process. That’s obvious. I won’t automatically conduct average amounts of self-analysis the minute I hit 20.

Only me…*shaking my head in shame and disbelief while simultaneously biting my nails off from the anxiety of anticipating your response.* I know I’m crazy – I know I am.

I think it's a good idea. No one can ever remember the important stuff to tell T. This way , it's all there.

I think it is a great idea. I hope it helps!

[Indie'sOK]

Thanks Cal - I think this might really help us. Of course, I'm not going to read the whole thing. She can take it to go over if she wants to, but I realize that after a while of listening (and speaking), all the words will just blend together and neither of us will get much out of it. So I'm only going to read a couple excerpts...the last one in particular.

[Indie'sOK]

Guys, here's what I posted at the end of the whole thing...

This is what I gather after having read through all these posts…I’m a normal person obsessed with figuring out what’s wrong with me. Ok, kidding. But not really. It seems like I’m constantly searching for the answer, expecting it to drop right into my lap (or rather, come to me in an online discussion). I’m exasperating, I know. I can’t put into words how I feel about this whole thing – this everything. Everything to do with my state of mind, the way I convey it through writing, the way I analyze that writing to the point where the words blur and I can’t discern what from what. It’s so confusing and I don’t think I can do it on my own. I have this vision in mind that I don’t acknowledge on a conscious level, but it’s now obvious. It’s like I expect this all to be taken care of by the time I reach college age, so that I can say “Yep, I’m ok now and better for having gone through it and here’s a dandy book I wrote on my experiences…” But that can’t happen, because this..thing, whatever it is, is a process. That’s obvious. I won’t automatically conduct average amounts of self-analysis the minute I hit 20.

T is going to think I'm nuts, that it's all in my head. I mean really, having read all that - I sound like I'm in constant search of a disorder to label myself with!

This is going to be an interesting session.

[lacey12345]

if it helps at all, i've had my T read my journal from time to time. i'd drop it off a few days before we met, so he'd have a chance to see what i was thinking about. we did it for several months, i think.

i don't really keep a journal anymore. i guess my journal was sorta a conversation with myself and also my T. but it was exhausting to be in my head all the time. and very exposing to let someone else in my head so often...

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by lacey12345

if it helps at all, i've had my T read my journal from time to time. i'd drop it off a few days before we met, so he'd have a chance to see what i was thinking about. we did it for several months, i think.

i don't really keep a journal anymore. i guess my journal was sorta a conversation with myself and also my T. but it was exhausting to be in my head all the time. and very exposing to let someone else in my head so often...

I feel the same way...I mean, after a while, I just get sick of the constant self-analysis. There's a point between interesting and exhausting.

((((((indie))))))

I often send posts to my T (just my posts). There is something about typing here that makes it easy to be open and honest, even more than I would be in an e-mail to T. And after I write what I write here, I think "a-ha, THAT is what I want T to know" and I send it in an e-mail. I never plan it that way, but it seems like it happens that way.

SO, what you're doing makes total sense to me. I think it's an awesome way to show T another side of you

And, as an aside, every time I read your age, I'm shocked. I wish I had your wisdom and insight when I was still in high school!

[childofyen]

I can relate to a lot that's been said in this post. I like the click, click, click, sound my thoughts make as they materialize on my computer screen... much more than I like the whine, whine, whine, sound they make when I try to speak them. My T will be back from vacation a week from tomorrow and I plan on bringing a list of highlights from my posts. I've never brought something to read in session, but so much has become apparent to me over the past couple of weeks that I feel like I need notes. I have trouble staying present in session so I'm hoping this will help. Glad I'm not the only one doing this. Thanks for the thread!

How long are your sessions? I ask this because that is a lot to process and discuss in one session. Not sure she can thoroughly address every thing in one session. I assume you want her to discuss each one with you?

My sessions are 90 minutes, so that gives us ample time to do things such as this. I can also email her between sessions to give her tidbits of things I want her to read. I am not implying that yours is too long or too much. I just wonder if she can really process that much in a 50 minute session.

Maybe you can break it down into 'issues' you want to discuss. I think you talk about several in the posts and journal writings. That way if she can't get to it all in one session, you will at least have addressed some of them enough to give you some peace about what she is thinking.

Just a suggestion. I think you did great talking about your feelings and this is something that would be valuable for her to hear. It can really give her some insight into what is going on in your head.

Like I said before, I do this all the time. It works for me and my therapist. I hope that this works well for you and yours. Good Luck!

[lacey12345]

or could you give it to her ahead of time?

my T liked to have time to read/process things before we met... ya know, to get on the same page

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

How long are your sessions? I ask this because that is a lot to process and discuss in one session. Not sure she can thoroughly address every thing in one session. I assume you want her to discuss each one with you?

Mine are exactly 50 minutes...and I do mean exactly. T is very punctual I would like to discuss each one, I admit, because each brings out a different feeling I've kept hidden.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

My sessions are 90 minutes, so that gives us ample time to do things such as this. I can also email her between sessions to give her tidbits of things I want her to read. I am not implying that yours is too long or too much. I just wonder if she can really process that much in a 50 minute session.

Yeah, I agree. But no, it is too long! Oh well - beating around the bush trying to get to these issues instead of actually reading them out takes longer

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Maybe you can break it down into 'issues' you want to discuss. I think you talk about several in the posts and journal writings. That way if she can't get to it all in one session, you will at least have addressed some of them enough to give you some peace about what she is thinking.

That's what I'm going to do. I'll give it to her if she would like to take it with her - I actually hope she does ask for it. That way she can go back and re-read for clarification.

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I think you did great talking about your feelings and this is something that would be valuable for her to hear. It can really give her some insight into what is going on in your head.

Thank you Squig...I hope so. We'll see Monday - I'll post how it goes

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by treehouse

...I often send posts to my T (just my posts). There is something about typing here that makes it easy to be open and honest, even more than I would be in an e-mail to T. And after I write what I write here, I think "a-ha, THAT is what I want T to know" and I send it in an e-mail. I never plan it that way, but it seems like it happens that way.

Exactly! I so have that "a-ha moment" too

Originally Posted by treehouse

And, as an aside, every time I read your age, I'm shocked. I wish I had your wisdom and insight when I was still in high school!

This means a LOT to me, it really does. My perfectionism revels in this

Thank you so, so much for this Tree. I can feel you really understand where I'm coming from.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by childofyen

I can relate to a lot that's been said in this post. I like the click, click, click, sound my thoughts make as they materialize on my computer screen... much more than I like the whine, whine, whine, sound they make when I try to speak them.

What a great way of putting it! Love this

Originally Posted by childofyen

My T will be back from vacation a week from tomorrow and I plan on bringing a list of highlights from my posts. I've never brought something to read in session, but so much has become apparent to me over the past couple of weeks that I feel like I need notes. I have trouble staying present in session so I'm hoping this will help. Glad I'm not the only one doing this. Thanks for the thread!

I so know where you're coming from. I too am glad to know others do this.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by lacey12345

or could you give it to her ahead of time?

my T liked to have time to read/process things before we met... ya know, to get on the same page

I'm hoping she'll suggest taking it with her to read later...if not, I could always sneak it into her bag when her back is turned Haha just kidding.

[laceylu]

I journal. The night before T I look at what is most important and then I take my journal in so I can remember what is important. My brain freezes and shuts down when I sit down in that chair and look at her. She has never asked to read it, but I would let her, and I need it to remember. So I think it is a good idea for you to bring in your thoughts. Does your T have any guidelines for journaling?

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by laceylu

I journal. The night before T I look at what is most important and then I take my journal in so I can remember what is important. My brain freezes and shuts down when I sit down in that chair and look at her. She has never asked to read it, but I would let her, and I need it to remember. So I think it is a good idea for you to bring in your thoughts. Does your T have any guidelines for journaling?

Thank you I bring my journal to most, if not every, session to read aloud. I once printed out a post from another member (with his permission) that greatly resonated with me, matching my feelings almost exactly. I showed it to T, which she took to read herself instead of having me do it. This is the only time she did this. I wonder what the reason was?

I don't think she has any guidelines for journaling. She lets me have free reign with it.

[Indie'sOK]

Sorry to revive an "old" thread, but...
Wish me luck tomorrow you guys...I'm going to T and reading this thing...very very nervous.

Good luck, (((((((Indie)))))))

Want a pocket rider??