Facing the 2X4 Today

We demand answers!

Hey guys, so sorry for the delay in giving you details. Not intentional - it requires a bit of time to put it together. A little later today, okay? Again, thanks for your support. It means everything to me.

Thinking of you (((((((skysblue)))))). Can't wait to hear how it went!

Looking forward to reading when you have time to write it all up

Me too! You don't have to write a thesis for us, you know. I like your long posts but the brief version is okay because we're impatient!! Just tell us what happened!

Sorry, rainbow - if I can't explain it fully, it won't make as much sense. And I need to also process it completely for my own sake. I guess 'thesis' is my m.o. But just a warning - it's not as interesting as you may expect so don't get your hopes up.

We're here for you, not to be entertained by you!

Great letter, Sky and you get a high five for following through on your plan!
You rock!

Right!!! ::hiding my popcorn:: Absolutely right!

A friend of mine once told me that her H had strong will-power. I asked her to give me an example. She said that he never ate cookies. I asked her if he even liked cookies. She said, no, he doesn’t like cookies at all. I asked her how his actions can be considered will-power then. It’s only when we resist cookies we love then that can be called will-power. It’s with having desire that we can employ resistance but if there’s no desire, resistance isn’t necessary.

Such is the same with courage. Without fear there can be no courage. Mark Twain said, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear- not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave.”

So, maybe there was some courage that landed on me yesterday. But it was not the type that yells ‘yahoo’ and goes running off the plank and jumps into the deep water.

Mine was much more timid and tepid. I dipped my toe in the water and then ran back to dry land. I returned and moved a bit deeper – up to my ankles and retreated once more. Only with the gentle coaxing of my T was I able to venture a bit deeper. But the reality is that I never did get into the deep water (as you’ll learn shortly) and how far I did go was only because my T was holding me above water, not by my own strength or ability. So, was courage really an element in the play yesterday or was the dominant movement actually ‘fear absorbed by a welcoming and nurturing and safe cocoon’?

Well, enough of the never-ending analysis. Intense desire that I have to ‘explain’ stuff usually leads me down the rabbit hole never to return.

“Would you change?” That question that entered my brain just minutes before session was a powerful impetus to keep going with the intention of sharing all with T. I had struggled mightily with the urge to run as far away as possible. I wanted to avoid, avoid, avoid ‘confronting’ T.

But Tracy Chapman in her song kinda reminded me why I was in therapy. I want to change. I really do want to change. And the change I want is to overcome my negative emotional responses and to be able to give and receive love generously without any kind of hidden agendas. I want to live authentically with all my heart and soul.

See, I think that all humans are seeking the same thing – Love. But our mental disabilities, our fears mostly (fear, I believe is the foundation for all other negative emotions), prevent us from accessing that God-given attribute to its fullest.

So, walking into session, I put aside my small self and entered with determination to CHANGE and to approach my dilemma with all the Love I could muster up. I could feel these tender feelings towards my T and to everyone and even to myself and I felt it so much that my problems seemed insignificant and miniscule.

But, not even having crossed the threshold of her office door before all those lofty thoughts and feelings disappeared. Man oh man, panic set in again.

I sat on couch and T offered for us to change seats so I wouldn’t risk seeing the light go on again. I was thinking that that’s the least of my problems right now so I told her, no thanks, I think I can buck up today. She didn’t know yet that that was one of the topics on my ‘agenda’.

One thing about my T – she is the friendliest person I know. She laughs a lot and it’s a nurturing supportive laugh. I can goof off with her and we share that kind of camaraderie that is very very comfortable EXCEPT when my issues are touched, then I shut down – not her, she’s the same supportive gentle kind person as always.

So, I took my pages out of my notebook and told her I brought some stuff to read. She smiled/laughed and said, ‘it looks like it’s typed single-spaced.’ And I laughed and said, ‘yes, and it’s 42 pages.’ I grabbed a pillow from the couch and handed it to her. “maybe you need a pillow so you can get comfortable and take a snooze.’ She laughed and said, “no, I’m sure I’ll be sitting on the edge of my seat.”

Well, I did not read it through straight. I did a lot of stalling, heming and hawing, looking for escape routes, switching topics, refusing to continue, looking for reassurance, looking for any sign of disapproval, and on and one. I interrupted myself a lot. I might read a bit and then I’d say I can’t do anymore and I’d put the papers back in my notebook. That happened probably more than a dozen times. Examples of my many diversionary tactics and words within the hour were:

1. “I don’t think I can do this”
2. “Hey, maybe I don’t have to read this. Maybe we can just continue working on my issues, and the things that are being addressed here will be automatically resolved without me having to bring them up now.”
3. “You know, I don’t really like ferris wheels. I prefer those spinning rides where you get dizzy. Vertigo is not my thing. What is your preference?”
4. “Now, what’s the point of me bringing this stuff up? Is there any therapeutic value? I mean, really?”
5. “Hey, I picked up The Little Prince last week. I enjoyed reading it”
6. “Isn’t there another way I can learn to overcome my fear?”
7. “You know, glancing at my words here, I can see that I didn’t express myself well. How about I rework them a bit and bring them back later to read to you.”
8. “Let me show you the sign language I’ve learned so far.”
9. “So, how do other people do this? There must be a better way. Can you tell me what that is?”
10. “I get seagull splat on my car all the time. It’s such a pain to clean up.”

Anyways, you get the idea. At one point, when I decided to continue on and was obviously feeling very agitated my T stopped me and she said, “sky, I want you to feel your body now. Put your hands on your thighs, wiggle your toes, take some deep breaths. Get back into your body.” That was great coaching on her part. Getting more grounded was very helpful.

When I told her initially how difficult this was going to be, she reminded me that I had shared some really tough stuff with her in the past and I survived. But, I said, “This time it’s about you so it’s different.” You should have seen her face. She got a big smile on her face and she said, “Good”. And I believed her and it made it so much better. She really knows how to put me at more ease.

I told T that I could only go forth on this reading if she agreed not to make any comments and that we would not discuss it afterwards. (See, I told you I didn’t jump in the deep water. Although it was terrifying envisioning reading my ‘rantings’ to her, it was beyond terrifying to imagine having a conversation about it.) She agreed and promised she wouldn’t try to address any of the issues I brought up.

Then I thought, ‘oh my, what will be talk about when I’m finished reading this so I can be sure that we don’t talk about this stuff?” So, I asked her what we should do when I’m finished. She said it was up to me. I said, “I want to switch topics immediately after finishing (or I’ll need to leave) so we have to have something prepared.” I then remembered that I had brought some photos of my beautiful grandsons (they were ring bearers at a wedding the previous week) to share and told her we’d do that. She was fine with it.

Like I said already, the reading was in fits and starts. One time T tried to comment on the phone calls restriction by saying, “Sky, we have to talk about this. You have seriously misunderstood me.”

My reaction was immediate when she started. I put my arm out with palm facing her as to protect myself. I said, “I can’t talk about this now. I really cannot do it.”

I think my reaction may be like a child who has been burned on a stove and the pain was so great that even looking at a cool stove brings out such fright in her. Likewise with me, even the word ‘phone calls’ triggers such an emotion that I cannot handle even the hint that that will come up.

So, T backed off, thank goodness. When I got to the last issue – the amount charged by her while I was on a trip, I just couldn’t move forward. I put the paper again back in my notebook and said, “I can’t do it.” It was a huge struggle within myself to finally, finally bring the papers back and begin reading about that 4th issue.

I had read a couple of sentences on that last topic and then looked up at T and thought I saw a stern expression on her face. I froze up. My heart got wedged in my throat and I couldn’t say another word. I became mute and felt myself dissociating. I wanted to disappear. For a few moments I was stuck but then I pulled up a surge of power and read until the end like a runner who sprints at the end of a race.

It was over. I felt depleted and empty. I was exhausted. I was scared. But,I had to do now whatever it would take to make sure we didn’t talk about the letter anymore. I whipped out the photos and shakily handed them to T and with great effort on my part talked about my cute little guys.

And then horror upon horror, we still had 12 minutes to go. What to do? The strangest phenomenon of the perception of time passing occurs in a therapy session. For months, I’ve felt that 50 minutes is not enough time. I had spent all that time in past sessions unloading myself onto T and never felt that I had finished what I wanted to say those months but lately, now that the going is getting tougher, it seems like time moves very slowly and instead of feeling disappointed that I’ve run out of time, I’m now looking at the clock wishing the time is up. Strange, huh?

Well, to conclude (finally), T and I ended up discussing emotions, what they mean, how to manage them and on and on. I gained some new information. And I asked her if she had any slots open on Friday because I feel some momentum now and want to keep it going. Luckily she had a cancellation and I can see her then. We’re going to get into some much deeper territory and although I feel some trepidation, I am also excited about the possibilities.

When or how or whether we ever discuss the issues that I addressed in my letter, I have no idea. But the fact that I was able to bring them up at all is a major, major triumph for me.

I'm so glad your therapist listened to you and respected your boundaries. Sounds like a productive session, skysblue!

That was fascinating to read. Thank you!
I believe the issues will be addressed. Perhaps not immediately, but in the long run - they will.
Kudos for the great job you have done!

Oh, and I finally told T about the connection I thought she might have with my now-deceased and many decades divorced from my aunt, uncle. (more details in Beyond Bizarre thread). She, indeed, is not related or connected in any way to that pedophile. Glad to know finally for sure.

Well, I feel like I learned a whole lot about how you "did" your therapy today and I can definitely relate to your "diversionary tactics." The lengthiness of that list cracked me up and reminded me of one of the classic tests of creativity, which is to simply ask people "how many things can you do with a brick?" People who are more creative can generate many more responses to this question than those who are less creative. So I'd say that your ability to find so many things, including my favorite (the bird poo), to supposedly derail yourself is a reflection of using your creativity to help you approach something that is very difficult.

It seems to me that courage is not so much an event or a quality, but that it is a landscape with many elements and a process of movement towards something better for ourselves. I also think that courage can be in allowing yourself to back off as well as move forward and that what you may be labeling diversionary tactics are in reality your creative ability to continue to allow yourself to move forward, after taking a step back.

Anne

wow what a session.no wonder you are drained.i am so amazed by youthank you for sharing

Skysblue, I am very proud of you! Congratulations on getting such difficult things off your chest. And I am glad you got further confirmation that your T is there for you and won't be upset if you're sincerely honest with her.

(I am particularly glad you called her out on the $200! Unbelievable! Sorry, it's about the $$ for me! )

I think you were VERY brave. And very brave to go back on Friday to keep the forward momentum going. The scariest things are usually the things that help us heal the most.

Good for you

Thank you for sharing the details of your session. You did good!! I'm sure your T is pleased that you could get through your whole letter even with the stopping and starting along the way.

My T (and I, along with 3rdTimes), would be analyzing the ten excuses...

Today was the first time he ever said, lets pick up on this tomorrow. Could it be we're making progress?

I'm an expert at sidestepping. I have lifelong experience. Usually people do not notice (or do they?). Of course, in session I knew I was consciously avoiding, T knew it, I knew T knew it, T knew I knew T knew it. In the past, though, I would not come back and would just continue my movement away from tough issues. Sometimes T would let me get away with it and sometimes she would not. But there's no point in therapy if the issues aren't addressed. Still, sometimes things have to wait until the time is right. I know today we'll be entering some really really scary territory and I'm going to try my darndest to stay with it.

good luck and much strength for today.you go girl i will be thinking of you .

By excuses do you mean my numerous attempts to change the subject? Well, those were just a sampling - there were more...

Good luck today, skysblue!

HOW FAST DO YOU TALK??!! Or read? People always tell ME to slow down (not so much anymore since I got on Topamax) but you must be like that old FedEx commercial! J/K

Time just goes SO FAST in session! Seems like we exchange 5 or 6 sentences back and forth, and it's over. Today:

Me: I met a cute guy from CA, he kind of invited me out to visit. He's rich.
T: Cool. (identifying details have been deleted to hide actual identities blah blah blah).

Me: I loaned you those CD's so my musician friend doesn't break my heart again.
T: I get it, I'm a buffer.
Me: I wanna have a session where I hand you stuffies. That's also part of the CD thing, me wanting to give you things. But I don't think I ever played that game with mummy. She never even let me sit next to her on the sofa. She played it with my nephew though.
T: We'll do it. "Stuffies" sounds English.
Me: Yes from PC.
T: I thought so. How are things there?
Me: GREAT! I emailed so-and-so yesterday, to make HER feel better, but she made ME FEEL better!
T: Ah, so-and-so! She really knows how to (something psychological that she is good at, and I am not, so I don't even recall the words, emotional something).

Me: Okay, what we were talking about yesterday (about getting engaged). Before we start. I am worried about you. I feel protective of you. Yesterday I said, What's so bad about you, what's so bad about me? (he had said we both had terrible track records, we both have 2 failed marriages). In theater, we pretend it's real, but we know it's not. I don't want you to open a vein here, feel you have to spill your guts, but I need something, because I never got anything. (And here I gave the example of Vaffla's T saying because of her family's history of lack of disclosure, she kinda cut her some slack on the facebook thing? I am rephrasing it VERY badly).
T: I'm glad you said that, I would not have gotten that otherwise. My "baggage" I bring to relationships is based on losing my mother at an early age; I will be angry and sad, and that makes my partners feel helpless.
Me: When you said that, the smile disappeared from my face.
T: Yes, you have said, and I know, people are worried about anger from their T's. What does that mean to you?
Me: No, it was a FAKE smile that disappeared. It's a relief! My muscles are relaxed now! It was a smile I had to have to deflect / defend all the time, to prove everything was all right when it wasn't. I also sighed from the top of my chest, like from my heart.
T: (surprised)
Me: Besides, I know how to comfort you (AGAINST PC GUIDELINES!!!) and you said you felt the comfort listening to the music last week.
T: It reminded me of a moment with my birth mom (describes it).
Me: You said you just though of that now, but you have mentioned it before, although not in relation to our music session. But it brings up this other issue of the sports movie - why do you always forget MY link to that?
T: You feel left out when I do that, you want me to buy you a shirt too...
Me: Well, if I had a choice, between you remembering everything, and you doing this, you coming in with no preconceived notions of who I am, like I get a "fresh copy" of you every time I come in, the psychological value of the fresh copy is FAR more valuable. You do it, I recognize you do it, and I haven't recognized and thanked you for it enough.
T: I have goosebumps. Thank you, that means a lot to me. Well, even when I DO have preconceived notions of you, you are pretty good at disabusing me of them...
Me: Abusing and disabusing you...

Okay, that's about 10 things there. That's not an exact transcript, but purt' near. We have 45 minutes, but there is also sit down and get up time, and peanut butter jelly time!

I did want to record this session, my face still feels great. Really a weird sensation to just have it relax like that. I feel like I was the Joker on Batman, all curled up. Now I'll have to watch the Heath Ledger movie. Sorry for the hijack. You know I am completely unable to start my own thread. Is there a dx for that?

Hankster - I so wish I could have been a fly on the wall. And how long has your T had the pleasure of working with you.

Oh, and btw, hijack whenever you want.