Is it all about feelings?

Is the purpose of therapy to be able to work with our feelings? Is the reason why I find myself seeing a T because I have never developed "normally" in terms of emotions / feelings?

Or is it trauma that leads to such over whelming feelings that a switch has turned off my ability to feel? Or is it both, trauma and a developmental issue?

I think it can be bothl

Trauma does stunt emotional development as well as development in other areas.

Yes to both

Yeah, I think trauma can definitely affect our ability to feel. On the other hand it's also true that for some people who have faced trauma and recovered their ability to feel, they're more open and compassionate as a result. Cold comfort, at least for me, because I feel that trauma costs me a lot..but there is also something hard won, to be gained. Others may feel differently. I am not talking from theory here, but tough personal experience. Just sayin!

Everybody's situation is individual. I guess it's possible that you're working with T solely because of emotional problems in the here and now. I think that in addition there can also be cognitive problems, difficulties with knowing and seeing and thinking. And I'd guess that frequently people have problems with both.

But if you're just talking about "way back when," at the beginning, when all of the crud was taking shape, the "problems" probably were all emotional. There may have been cognitive consequences, but unbearable "affect" is what starts all the balls rolling. "Trauma" is just shorthand for emotionally unbearable states of being created in reaction to situations imposed from the outside.

Trauma causes developmental issues. It's wrong to think that trauma issues and developmental issues are different categories. Anything in anyone's development that leads to later problems of feeling or functioning is called trauma.

Surely there are all sorts of non-traumatic early influences on everyone's life that play a serious role in making us who we are. But if pathology results, I can't see that the cause can be anything other than either trauma or genetics. Many of the most serious mental illnesses (autism, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc.) seem to have a significant genetic (chemical? viruses?) causative element. But if the pathology is just a reaction to things that happened (or didn't happen) when we were very small, then I think those happenings are trauma. Even with oedipal issues.

Just one man's opinion.

A person could learn to never express their feelings if they had a neglectful parent who didn't pay any attention to them or a parent who literally stopped the child from expressing feelings. I suffered from #1 and never had anything traumatic happen to me. Being ignored sucked big time, though and caused a lot of problems.

Yes I can see that the word "unbearable" is significant and why this can lead to a coping mechanism of switching off those "unbearable" feelings - but is it the event that is therefore unbearable, or our feelings in response to the event, or are these one and the same?

Also if two people are exposed to the same event, the outcome for them in terms of thoughts / feelings may be different - (although neither would find the event pleasant) are these differences therefore due to "nature", previous experiences?

So is the reason I am seeing T, not specifically because of traumatic events, but because I didn't have the capacity to deal with them. which is about me as a person?

I really agree with you - I would not wish my life story on anyone, but I do believe that we learn most about ourselves in times of darkness and I am slowly getting to know myself deeply as a reult of these experiences.

I am so into theory - have read so many books over the last year (30ish) - but actually it has taught me very little. I think T has sat there patiently with me until I have tired that bit of me out. I am reading less now and it is now when I think I am truely starting to look at "me" rather than things "out there".

I think there could be many reasons for seeing a T, those you gave and more including what you have in your status "it's time to stop hiding in her cave."

Perhaps part of seeing T is to learn how not to hide; to learn it's ok to come out of the cave, to learn how to survive outside it and how not to want to run back inside?

[quote=Ygrec23;1998263]. "Trauma" is just shorthand for emotionally unbearable states of being created in reaction to situations imposed from the outside.

Trauma causes developmental issues. It's wrong to think that trauma issues and developmental issues are different categories. Anything in anyone's development that leads to later problems of feeling or functioning is called trauma. "

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Thank you for this explanation, Ygrec23,
...I understood this better than I have many other explanations...I wouldn't even let my therapist say that overused,stupid word...I called them "situations that I didn't handle well"
...nice euphemism, huh??? lol

To me, "trauma" isn't just being beaten or sexually abused. "Trauma," as far as I'm concerned (and based on my reading) includes all kinds of negative behavior on the part of a parent that interferes with or stops development of appropriate attachment relations between parent and child. I suffered from #1 too and as far as my T and the books and articles I read, that's "trauma." Really traumatic trauma too.

Hmmmmm. Very, very interesting questions, SoupDragon!

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Yes I can see that the word "unbearable" is significant and why this can lead to a coping mechanism of switching off those "unbearable" feelings - but is it the event that is therefore unbearable, or our feelings in response to the event, or are these one and the same?

If the unbearable feelings are a reaction to an event (or events - there can be cumulative trauma too) they kind of form a dyad that lasts until it gets untied in therapy. If the "traumatized" (keep in mind I have a broad definition of "trauma") person runs into the same or similar traumatizing event(s) later in life, they're what everyone calls "triggers." And they bring on recurrences of the unbearable affect that originally resulted way back in babyhood. I think your question is essentially semantic, is it the cause that we should call unbearable or the effect? Surely the effect is indeed unbearable feelings, but the cause that produces those feelings can also accurately be called unbearable. I don't think it matters.

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Also if two people are exposed to the same event, the outcome for them in terms of thoughts / feelings may be different - (although neither would find the event pleasant) are these differences therefore due to "nature", previous experiences?

One or the other or both, I'd say, depending on the person. Some people are temperamentally (i.e., genetically) more "reactive" than others, some more phlegmatic. Others may have had better mothering up to the time of the trauma, which might well give them more resistive strength when it comes time to deal with a traumatic event or events. And some lucky people may have both.

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So is the reason I am seeing T, not specifically because of traumatic events, but because I didn't have the capacity to deal with them. which is about me as a person?

Ummmm. I would bet an awful lot that there are plenty of traumatic situations, either single or continuing, that no young child is temperamentally prepared to resist and ride out safely without psychological harm. In your words, situations that no baby/toddler has the "capacity" to deal with. Nor do I think in any possible way that anyone's failure, as a baby/toddler, to safely survive trauma is a negative reflection on them as a person. Babies/toddlers are ALL delicate, needy little beings whom it is all too easy to damage. It is no one's "fault," by any stretch of the imagination, that they suffered trauma as a tiny human being.

I'm sorry. I went off on my own tangent there. My real answer to your question is this: the reason you're seeing T is neither "because" of traumatic events, nor "because" you didn't have the "capacity" to deal with them as a very young person. The reason you're seeing T is because the manner in which you dealt with traumatic events in childhood, as it continues manifesting itself in your adult life, limits you in what you can do, feel, think or enjoy. And what you're doing with T is cleaning things up so you can do, feel, think and enjoy with the greatest freedom possible. I think!!!

I guess each person would have to decide for themselves. My mother was neglectful but she was a kind person and would never purposefully hurt anyone. I suffered big time because of my lack of development but I would never describe my life to have ever been traumatic.

Good distinction!

I believe that previous developmental successes help a person to weather future traumas. I also believe that temperment is important. I have one daughter who is very sensitive and one who is tough as nails. My tough daughter could weather any situation. My very sensitive daughter would be traumatized at a very, very much lower threshold. I see it with my eyes everyday how they each respond to various situations. None of these situations makes the person who suffers more from trauma bad, absolutely not. We are all different. Very sensitive people are very, very valuable. Very sensitive people give us great beauty in this world. Our world would not be as wonderful without them.

So, going back to your first question up there ^ - I think that it is the feelings that are generated which make it unbearable. People who train to be navy seals can take a lot and this is because they are well trained and they don't generate the feelings to bad situations.

Hey tigergirl - yes I think you are right, it is time to stop hiding. That may have served me well in the past, but it is time to try something different - it just feels nice and safe in my cave and pretty scarey out there among everyone as "myself"

Thank-you Sannah - I never learned to express my feelings in a healthy way - dad's feelings were always more important than anyone elses and our purpose was to please and appease him and my mother just never shown nor talks about feelings. It was my birthday this week and she gave me a little card with a heart and a beautiful poem - words that she could never say to me herself. I forgive her, I think she did the best she could and actually herself maybe never learned to express feelings as a child.

I haev two kids and like you say they are sooo different. I can see myself in the younger one, he feels things so deeply and will get very upset about those same things several days later if reminded. I cuddle and acknowledge hsi feelings regardless - my mother and father talk about how I was like this as a child and how they laughed at me and would bring painful things up in the company of others, like putting me on show to perform. I am so glad I can show my own son a different way.

Wysteria - I like what you wrote about emotionally unbearable states in reaction to events - yes I think I can generate unbearable feelings.

Thank-you for this I think it is a good explanantion and entirely correct

I also note what you write about a Dyad and being untied in therapy - how does that happen? Is it just through opennes, trust and trying out new things with T?

Ultimately I agree with another of your comments in that maybe the difference / distinction is unimportant. I do live in my head, yet am slowly learning that I can't do this thing called life via a text book - I need to get into my body (somehow?) and feel. However I think knowing more theory helps me to feel a little safer making that journey.

Thank-you for sharing this - SD

SoupDragon asked:

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I also note what you write about a Dyad and being untied in therapy - how does that happen? Is it just through opennes, trust and trying out new things with T?

And this is what I had said:

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If the unbearable feelings are a reaction to an event (or events - there can be cumulative trauma too) they kind of form a dyad that lasts until it gets untied in therapy.

And this is what I say now: The tight connection between the "event(s)" and the "feeling(s)" is a large part of the problem that continues to show up in adult life. If, in adult life, one runs across an event or series of events that your mind equates with the bad stuff that happened when you were small, then the really awful feelings from back then are triggered and you feel them again, in all their terrible pain, OR, more likely, you engage in some kind of behavior that protects you from really feeling those feelings. Behavior that probably isn't very positive in the context of your adult life. Usually, you only get to feel those really awful feelings as you felt them before after quite a bit of work with T.

It's my understanding that one loosens and finally unties that connection by, first, becoming able to feel (not think, not intellectualize) one's way back into the original situation - both the original event(s) and the original feeling(s) - and, second, by going over and over those original event(s) and feeling(s) with T until you really fully absorb what happened way back then and finally understand and accept (no mean feat) that what was terribly threatening to you as a small child is no longer threatening to you as an adult.

The emotional significance of the original "event(s)" then loses its potency and power over you and you can see those events as just historical things that happened to you when you were a small child that have no more present importance to you than the memory of your first dolls or your first remembered Christmas. In other words, instead of those events (and their connected feelings) being as real to you now as they were then (which is a large part of the problem for sick people), they become pictures in an old family photograph album that you can view with interest and nostalgia, but without any severe emotional reaction right now. You can then close the album, put it away, and go on to whatever else you need or want to do without the album contents limiting what you do, think, feel or enjoy.

In all of this, your T's work with you is absolutely key. He or she is intimately familiar with this process, and very gently guides you - a little hint here, a little question there - so you can figure it out all by yourself ("by yourself" is very, very important) under your T's benevolent gaze.

Hope this helps!

I have been wanting to know this for the last 18 months - thank-you so much for explaining it so clearly it makes complete sense to me.

The tricky part is dong it isn't it?

Thank-you Ygrec23

Ygrec23 - thanks for stating this so clearly. It's exactly what my T and I are working on now

Yes on reflection I think that is also my T's plan - I think he is just a little candid.