I don't understand my emotion

Hey guys,

Today I had one of the best sessions ever, I left feeling good and I should still feel good but actually because it was so good, I started to think about how i'm going to loose my T sometime next year and it's made me feel extremely anxious all evening. I feel like someone has given me really awful news and my heart feels so weighed down. I know you are probably thinking - next year - get over it!! My T and I are going to review in Feb but I can already see her evaluating things and talking about the progress I have made etc. I know this should be a good thing and until today I wasn't worrying about this at all.

I don't know why I have let this panic take over on a day when I should be over the moon about a great session!!

I hate feeling this anxious, I don't usually suffer from severe anxiety! I just want to enjoy what I experienced today.... I am robbing myself of that and I feel it wont go away!

That's what fear and worry always seem to do; rob the joy of today by thinking about what might come up in the future and we often manage to magnify the "badness" of what might happen What you described sounds ... really understandable to me; it's great that things are going well and you had such a good session, but it makes things coming to an end with your T seem closer and more real than before and because your T is someone very important in your life it's very natural to be scared. Maybe something you should share with your T so that you can work on what will happen when things do wind down and how to hang on to the joy now and not focus on the fear?

You're facing a loss and even though that loss isn't for awhile, it feels real now. I'll be asking my T today if she plans on moving out of the area. I imagine she might say, "not now but probably next year". And even if my imagined event does not take place until next year, I will feel the loss now. I know if she does say those words today, I will feel a rush of panic come over my body. I will know it's not rational but I can't help my feelings. Any threat of abandonment by T causes these feelings. So, I understand completely why you're experiencing that. I'm on the verge of panic myself just thinking about asking her this question but I have to so I can get it out of my mind (or learn to cope with the horrible fact if, indeed, it is true).

But I also know that worrying about the future or even having regrets about the past do rob us of our lives in the now. I'm studying mindfulness now (T gave me a book) and it makes all the difference in the world. You might check it out.

When I was coming out of depression, I went through four stages:

1. I'll never be happy.

2. I'm happy now, but it won't last.

3. Happiness doesn't "last" but it does come back

4. Happiness is where I live