[rainbow8]

I felt bad about an email I sent to my T after my session, so I called and asked her to please call me and tell me that she is not giving up on me or rejecting me because of my behavior. We talked for about a minute; I was in the grocery store and she was between clients. In almost 2 years I've called her about 3 times only.

She said I know how to push her buttons. I know the phrase but I didn't know I do that. Is that like when my former T said I was manipulating her? I don't think she meant about FB and our relationship, or maybe she did? What exactly does pushing someone's buttons mean? I get her angry?

[SoupDragon]

To me pushing buttons is either consciously or unconsciously saying or doing something that triggers thoughts or feelings in the other person - but remember it is THEIR buttons, you don't create the buttons.

[rainbow8]

Do I have to ask my T specifically what she means? I didn't realize it bothers her so much when I've looked her up. She always says that she's not angry. Or that I "accuse" her of not caring about me and rejecting me when she doesn't want to tell me as much as I want to know about her life? She was fine with showing me her photos but I got upset by her implying that she didn't want to talk about her life. I felt like I got mixed messages. So is THAT pushing her buttons? Or because I emailed a list of what I know about her that she told me? I don't think I should have thrown it back at her but she annoyed me when she said I know she has a H, her kids, and her pets. Like doesn't she know that she told me a lot more? That bothered me.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She said I know how to push her buttons. I know the phrase but I didn't know I do that. Is that like when my former T said I was manipulating her? I don't think she meant about FB and our relationship, or maybe she did?

It would be good to ask her exactly what behaviors you are doing that are pushing her buttons. Do you think it was the calling her for reassurance about whether she is giving up on you? I know you haven't called her much, but I think you've emailed her a number of times with a similar concern? There is a certain type of person who likes to discover people's "buttons" and then push them to get a reaction, even if it's negative. I think sometimes that is an attention-getting behavior. Like how a child whines or misbehaves to get a parent to pay attention to them--even negative attention is better than no attention! I haven't got the sense this is a pattern of behavior with you, rainbow, so maybe you just pushed your T's button accidentally this time. If you find out what you did that bugged her, you can avoid that in the future, if possible, unless it would impede therapy. As SoupDragon wrote, it is your T's issue how she reacts when someone pushes her buttons. But yet I feel it is a reciprocal relationship, and it is considerate to not do a certain thing that really bugs your T, if you know what that thing is. Like when my T leaves his laptop open right next to him in my session, that is pushing my button. I ask him to close it so that will not stand between us in the session. I have other more important stuff to work on so I don't want the laptop to interfere and either does he, so he complies with my request. It's a bit of give and take, and a way to be real in the relationship. I think your T was being real by telling you that you had pushed her button. Now you just need to find out what that is.

I do think there are certain types of clients who push a therapist's buttons very strongly. I don't mean necessarily deliberately, but just by being the type of person they are with the type of issues they have. So a certain type of client can be very triggering for a T. Different Ts will have different types of clients they react to this way. What may be one T's trigger is another T's cup of tea. It is up to the T to work on that countertransference. They may also decide that they simply are not going to work with clients with that type of presentation and refer them early in therapy to another T rather than have the relationship be a struggle because of their own problem.

I think it is also helpful to a client to learn when they are pushing buttons because they may be doing something similar in other relationships and driving people away from them. My T has told me something I do that bugs him, and I think it is very reasonable what he said. It helps me to know this because there are times I do it with other people too. So this gives me something to work on out in my every day life.

So I encourage you to ask your T what you did that bugged her, rainbow. It could point you in a direction for growth.

[emptyspace]

Push someone's buttons .

"Draw a strong emotional reaction from someone, especially anger or sexual arousal. For example, My mother-in-law really knew how to push my buttons , or A good-looking redhead, she always seemed to press his buttons . This metaphoric expression transfers activating some mechanism by pushing buttons to human emotions. [Slang; 1920s]"

http://dictionary.reference.com/brow...ne%27s+buttons

I doubt its sexual arousal in this case, Rainbow.

================================


Here are responses from the general population regarding what it means (not PC bias)....

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...9215541AA5HM9C

Most reply to irritate, annoy, or get on the nerves of another person.
==================================

But remember, she is referring to your behaviors, not all of you as a person.

You violate boundaries and react angrily when she sets boundaries "you shattered my dreams -- i hate you and love you." You feel entitled to having your needs met by T.

Maybe reflecting on this will help you decide to choose alternative options to your behaviors, since she has stated that you are irritating/annoying, etc. Do you want to have that affect on a T?

[geez]

Pushing someone's buttons is saying or doing something that is sure to ellicet a reaction or a response from them.

I can relate rainbow unfortunatly that's my MO sometimes when I'm angry.

[Wren_]

(((((Rainbow))))) i think you need to wait and ask her what she meant; otherwise you might be imagining all kinds of scenarios (which it seems you are already :hug) that may not be the case ... that expression to me is a kind of yucky one because it leaves the person hearing it with more questions than answers and i hope you get some answers soon

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Do I have to ask my T specifically what she means? I didn't realize it bothers her so much when I've looked her up. She always says that she's not angry. Or that I "accuse" her of not caring about me and rejecting me when she doesn't want to tell me as much as I want to know about her life? She was fine with showing me her photos but I got upset by her implying that she didn't want to talk about her life. I felt like I got mixed messages. So is THAT pushing her buttons? Or because I emailed a list of what I know about her that she told me? I don't think I should have thrown it back at her but she annoyed me when she said I know she has a H, her kids, and her pets. Like doesn't she know that she told me a lot more? That bothered me.

i dont know you or your therapist, but just from this post i get the impression that when she talks about her buttons, she means those moments when you dont get all the information that you want and then "accuse" her of rejecting or abandoning you.

i would think that this is a button for any therapist really. speaking for myself, it would be really hurtful to me to be trying my best to help a client and have them get angry and tell me i dont care about them.

ps. yes. the only way to know for sure is to ask. especially if its something you arent aware of or doing on purpose. i think it would be good information for you to have about your relationship with her.

[unaluna]

Isn't there a DBT exercise you can do around why you emailed her, and why you phoned her? you reaction, your assumption, blah blah - you guys are gonna make me clean my house so I can find my notebooks, aren't you? I think you have something concrete you can look at and analyze here. We can do it together if you want.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I felt bad about an email I sent to my T after my session, so I called and asked her to please call me and tell me that she is not giving up on me or rejecting me because of my behavior. We talked for about a minute; I was in the grocery store and she was between clients. In almost 2 years I've called her about 3 times only.

She said I know how to push her buttons. I know the phrase but I didn't know I do that. Is that like when my former T said I was manipulating her? I don't think she meant about FB and our relationship, or maybe she did? What exactly does pushing someone's buttons mean? I get her angry?

It is possible that she meant the catch-22 that you placed her in. You asked her to call and tell you that she is not giving up on you and not rejecting you because of your behavior.

That gives her no choice but to call you, or you will take a non-response as a confirmation of your fears: a rejection. It makes her action or inaction responsible for your feelings.
Regardless of whether she wants that or not.
Regardless of whether she is ABLE to call back in a timely manner or not.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm coming off too strongly here - I don't really feel strongly about this issue with your T! But my point is that this kind of manipulation doesn't really give the other person much choice. It's kind of "do what I want and be a good guy who makes me feel okay, or don't, and be the bad guy who is repsonsible for making my whole week hell."

When people are manipulated in such a way they can feel used, disrespected, disempowered and resentful. When it happens to me it pushes my buttons, too.

I can only guess...

I think she's been placed, often, in a no win situation regarding boundaries.

Checking FB. If she shows disapproval, you get upset. So she let it slide and you asked if she could bring pictures. Trying to compromise she brought them. Now you wanted her to share more about her. She denied, you got upset. She called back to show that she wasn't rejecting or abandoning you, but made a comment that got you upset, again.

It would feel like no matter what, she can never do enough, be enough, care enough. Regardless of whether or not she complies with your request, there is always wanting more. And when she puts a boundary in place, is told that it's still not enough and she is met with anger or frustration.

She is trying to stay within the bounds of her profession (therapy is not about her, her life, her husband, her kids, her pets, etc) but when she tries, she loses and has to do damage control.

I think you push her buttons because she DOES care so deeply. She WANTS to help. But in the end she is just one person, who cares very much, but has to stay within guidelines so that you get the care you need. And to feel like she constantly falls short, can certainly make one feel upset.

Again, just guessing...

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Rainbow )))

You've gotten a lot of good feedback here, but ultimately, you know that talking with T about it is where you will get the facts. You are working so hard, and I'm sure it must elicit all sorts of feelings to think that you somehow "pushed T's butons". Use it in therapy to help you. There may be an underlying reason for all this. It's all good information in therapy. (( HUGS ))

[stopdog]

Aren't these people supposed to be trained to handle "button pushing" from clients without getting themselves all worked up about it?

ya know....

i feel for your t...she will never measure up to the standard you have set for her inside your head. ever...there will always be a bar set just a little higher...

everything seems to be an issue of wanting more...& then some. yeah sure we have all googled out t's. been there done that. but it seems like you are wanting access into her life...her house...almost if you could say sorry hubby but i am moving in with my t & her family now.

do you do the same for your other medical care providers? your plumber?

of course her buttons are pushed...nothing is on her terms..it's all yours...she isn't getting the chance to set the limits at her pace of what to disclose to you...you are pushing everything.

i can see that here as well...you post it here that you do something & then wait for everyone to say it is ok & hugs & stuff...but really is it? yes if something is out on the web technically it is fair game but does that mean everyone should throw discretion out the window? & really while i think parents should protect their children on line in general i don;'t think they should have to issue specific warnings against their clients..to me that is just wrong.

i know i will get flamed for my stance but that's ok..sometimes support doesn't have to include ((((hugs))))...

i have a photo of my t. i took it in her office..but i asked. i know where she lives. she told me..last week..after 5 years of therapy..i i frequent the stores her kids work at but make it a point to not go the hours they are there (she has told me they work there) i purposely did not join her gym when i looked at gyms. she finally gave me a card with the kids pix on it last year..otherwise i never would have knows what they looked like.

curious about her life? sure..obsessed..no. if i have a question i ask. i have crossed some boundaries. she lets me know. i say i'm sorry & i learn from it.

it seems tho that you keep testing & pushing &pushing back harder...what is your t supposed to do? there is no way to win (a poor choice) or end this..except by you gaining total access to everything you need or want OR she puts up a wall & you crash & burn & cry & complain & then e mail, call cry etc & rage against it. it's a no win situation.

seems like the pattern is so fiirmly entrenched that people just get sucked into it & become enablers.

again...my take...my opinion..not right or wrong, just mine

stumpy

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Aren't these people supposed to be trained to handle "button pushing" from clients without getting themselves all worked up about it?

Therapists are humans. The best tool they have to promote healing is themselves. They can be tired, have their own stresses and sometimes be low on patience.

[Sannah]

I think that your therapist really needs to deal with this inner infant ASAP. This infant needs to mature.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Therapists are humans. The best tool they have to promote healing is themselves. They can be tired, have their own stresses and sometimes be low on patience.

Yes but they are supposed to recognize it and figure out how to professionally handle the situation so their buttons are not always being pushed. If a client is always getting them to react personally, then the t needs to check in on their own counter transference or whatever it is called.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes but they are supposed to recognize it and figure out how to professionally handle the situation so their buttons are not always being pushed. If a client is always getting them to react personally, then the t needs to check in on their own counter transference or whatever it is called.

Yes, exactly.

They are also supposed to point out unhealthy behaviors and make you aware of it. T getting upset is not a bad thing, nor does it need to be seen as a negative issue. T is supposed to be pseudo-transparent when clients engage in an unhealthy relationship pattern. Saying "you push my buttons" is hardly counter transference or lack of patience in my book. It's an opportunity to express feelings in an appropriate way. Now, if T went off screaming at you, that's another story. But simply pointing out a poor interaction is part of T's job...

[venusss]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

They are also supposed to point out unhealthy behaviors and make you aware of it. T getting upset is not a bad thing, nor does it need to be seen as a negative issue. T is supposed to be pseudo-transparent when clients engage in an unhealthy relationship pattern. Saying "you push my buttons" is hardly counter transference or lack of patience in my book. It's an opportunity to express feelings in an appropriate way. Now, if T went off screaming at you, that's another story. But simply pointing out a poor interaction is part of T's job...

me thinks that was she is doing here is thinking along these lines "rainbow cares for me, but she keeps crossing boundaries. Maybe the only one to make her really reconsider is to make it about myself to show her it affects me negativelly..."

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Aren't these people supposed to be trained to handle "button pushing" from clients without getting themselves all worked up about it?

her therapist doesnt sound "worked up" to me.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

They are also supposed to point out unhealthy behaviors and make you aware of it. T getting upset is not a bad thing, nor does it need to be seen as a negative issue. T is supposed to be pseudo-transparent when clients engage in an unhealthy relationship pattern. Saying "you push my buttons" is hardly counter transference or lack of patience in my book. It's an opportunity to express feelings in an appropriate way. Now, if T went off screaming at you, that's another story. But simply pointing out a poor interaction is part of T's job...

Perhaps I misunderstood the phrase "push my buttons" which sounds more personal to me than "perhaps this is a poor way to interact with those you care about".

But I like them to be more detached and impervious. I find it comforting when they are impersonal (I realize not everyone does).

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes but they are supposed to recognize it and figure out how to professionally handle the situation so their buttons are not always being pushed. If a client is always getting them to react personally, then the t needs to check in on their own counter transference or whatever it is called.

just because a therapist can acknowledge that her buttons are being pushed, doesnt necessarily equate to being emotionally out of control and unable to handle it.

it doesnt sound like she yelled or screamed or cried or lashed out. it sounds like she told rainbow how she was experiencing rainbow. to me, that's useful information.

[ECHOES]

We're in therapy to learn about ourselves - how we interact with others and with ourselves. We might know, or think we know, why we do something but when it is about a defense we may minimize the affect our behavior has on others.

I think rainbows T might be unhappy with having her buttons pushed, but I think that primarily she wants rainbow to learn about this behavior, what it's about, where it originates, what it means, the pattern of doing something that is considered before the act to be inappropriate or wrong or unwelcome (etc) and then dismissing that effect by expecting either blanket forgiveness or anger and punishment. (I am generalizing and using words and ideas I remember from your posts, rainbow. If I'm 'off', I apologize.)
So right now it might be important to explore the effect, the fact that buttons are getting pushed and what that's about. T can absolutely handle this discussion.

Rainbow, again it is your courage and honesty that helped you arrive at this point in therapy that is so promising with the hope of learning something new and helpful.

Originally Posted by stopdog

But I like them to be more detached and impervious. I find it comforting when they are impersonal (I realize not everyone does).

Have you tried a very traditionally trained psychodynamic therapist, especially an M.D.? This was my first successful experience in therapy, I saw him for around 2 years. He was kind and gentle in his style, yet he was very much a "blank slate" in response to whatever I shared with him. He was impossible to rattle, always completely calm no matter what the topic was, never intrusive in his questioning, a master at letting things evolve. He was detached, but not in a cold, distant, or uncaring way.

Anne