[stopdog]

So as not to hijack another thread, i am creating a new one. This quote made me wonder if this is what others see as the point of therapy and if others actually feel helped by this sort of thing. I do not think any of these things happened with the t I just quit with. I am not trying to mess with anyone, I am really curious. I am having a great difficulty in understanding if therapy can do anything for me that I think I want to do.
So do these things really help?

" ....all the things they HAVE gained from our work together. Positive moments. Connection. Any transitional objects. Positive affirmations in session, etc."

And can anyone explain what "trust the relationship" means? Trust it to do what?

I think its a personal thing. For me I do not find this sort of thing helpful.

It really depends on the client, what is soothing to them, the relationship with the therapist, etc, etc. It's something that has been helpful to me and several of my clients with intense attachment. For some, it's not their cup of tea. But I'm all for finding things that clients can make/use themselves as a way to soothe fears about the relationship.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by stormyangels

It really depends on the client, what is soothing to them, the relationship with the therapist, etc, etc. It's something that has been helpful to me and several of my clients with intense attachment. For some, it's not their cup of tea. But I'm all for finding things that clients can make/use themselves as a way to soothe fears about the relationship.

Just to clarify - i am not asking if making something like a scrapbook helps, but rather if having a moment of connection, affirmation etc helps.

[sunrise]

I think what each client needs is different. The therapist should be able to adapt his/her style somewhat so he/she isn't giving the client things they don't want or need.

Of the things you named, positive moments and connection are helpful to me. However, positive affirmations are not something I respond well to (perhaps I don't need them?), so we don't do those. I have not gained any transitional objects from my therapy, although once my T let me borrow a book. (I gave it back at our next session.)

Another poster mentioned getting soothing from the therapist. I do not need soothing from my therapist so he does not offer that. Maybe he would soothe a different type of client? I don't know.

Some therapists teach skills. My T has helped me improve communication skills.

My T has also helped me with skills related to feelings. He has helped me learn to recognize when I am feeling something, what that feeling is, why I am feeling that, and to express feelings too. (I was really distant from all my feelings when I began therapy.) This was not something I came to therapy for or knew I needed to work on, but it has been a huge gain from therapy for me.

I really needed someone who would go deep with me. My therapist was able and willing. (Not all therapists do depth work.)

There are also things I have wanted from my T that he would not provide. For example, during sad times when I was grieving, I wanted him to teach me techniques to help me maintain an emotionless facade, so I wouldn't suddenly start crying in the middle of a meeting at work, for example. He would not teach me this. He said it was better that I not hold the feelings in and he just smiled at my request. He said I was too worried about what other people would think about my being sad and I should just allow myself to feel and express it.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am having a great difficulty in understanding if therapy can do anything for me that I think I want to do.

It is helpful that you know what you want to do in therapy. Great! What are those things? That is your starting point. Do you want to tell us so we can tell you if we think those things are something a therapist can help with? If you don't want to share what you want from therapy, that's OK too. Good luck to you.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I have found having a transitional object very helpful.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I have found having a transitional object very helpful.

May I ask what it helps you do?

[Elli-Beth]

Originally Posted by stopdog

May I ask what it helps you do?

I can't answer for Cats, but my transitional objects are physical reminders that the helpful things my T and I do in session are still there for me out in the real world. Kind of like a security blanket that a kid might carry on his first days of pre-school, except mine's a business card with a note on the back.
I have an anchor (a hand symbol T showed me) too that helps to calm me when things get scarey.

Originally Posted by stopdog

This quote made me wonder if this is what others see as the point of therapy and if others actually feel helped by this sort of thing. . . .

" ....all the things they HAVE gained from our work together. Positive moments. Connection. Any transitional objects. Positive affirmations in session, etc."

As Stormy explained, these may be the point of therapy for some people, but certainly not for all. I think this quote is really about some, but not all, of what people can get from therapy. From this list, I wouldn't claim transitional objects or positive affirmations as something that has happened, something I've sought out, or something that I want. Positive moments and connection to me are pretty much the same thing, and they are things about therapy (not the only things) that have helped me. My T is very good at making me feel understood, and that is both a positive moment and a point of connection. I think that part of what I've learned from this (aside from the fact that it feels good to have somebody really see and hear you, and relate to you in that authentic space) is how to have and recognize more of those moments with other people. That's, at least, why it's positive for me. I have been able to interact with those I work with in a more reflective way, because he's taught me to do that. This has helped my family relationships, my friendships, and my working relationships. IME, havin a deeper and more satisfying connection with others has been the real gift of therapy.

Anne

[Ygrec23]

Hi, stopdog,

Therapy is a cafeteria from which each of us picks or gets things valuable or necessary to ourselves and perhaps not to others. Me, personally, I get what you could call understan-ding or comprehension of what I've done, what I've lived and how it came to be that way, as well as how not to do it in the future.

But that explains nothing. The only decent metaphor I've found for what I personally get from therapy is from computer games. On most games, when you achieve a certain proficiency, you are permitted to enter a new and higher level of the game that you never even knew existed. Suddenly being let into that kind of higher level is the closest comparison I can find to what happens (after an awful lot of work) in therapy.

Take care!

[laceylu]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hi, stopdog,

Therapy is a cafeteria from which each of us picks or gets things valuable or necessary to ourselves and perhaps not to others. Me, personally, I get what you could call understan-ding or comprehension of what I've done, what I've lived and how it came to be that way, as well as how not to do it in the future.

But that explains nothing. The only decent metaphor I've found for what I personally get from therapy is from computer games. On most games, when you achieve a certain proficiency, you are permitted to enter a new and higher level of the game that you never even knew existed. Suddenly being let into that kind of higher level is the closest comparison I can find to what happens (after an awful lot of work) in therapy.

Take care!

Well said about the games. I agree.

[laceylu]

Start reading books on therapy either fiction or nonfiction. The books may help you define what you want out of T. We have an online book club on PC with several books listed that would be helpful to you. My T needs change over time. With my first T I needed a parent, coach and or role model. I needed to call her outside of session from time to time. I needed to stop bad behavior. With my second T, I am discovering the depths of my needs and problems from a traumatic childhood from an adult point of view. T has given me a transitional object that I want to hurt by tearing the stuffie apart. She made me keep it to help with my anger at my little self. how strange to have a transitional object.

[childofyen]

Connection with my T helps me to see myself from another perspective. When I began T, I had issues with intense anxiety, bouts of depression, and very poor coping skills. Through discussing these issues with T, I'm finding that the image I have of myself varies greatly from how people in my life view me. I have been developing trust, which is to say that I'm practicing listening without immediately dismissing her points as invalid or insane. Exploring what she's telling me without knee jerk judgement has allowed me to see where her points are actually dead on. Appreciating that her points are accurate allows me to continue to listen and explore myself from new perspectives. This process of gaining a new understanding of myself has helped to relieve my symptoms of anxiety and depression... even though 8 months ago I never would have thought it was possible. I was very resistant at the start. I approached therapy from a very clinical stance and spoke to her like I would speak to my mechanic. Eventually the pain of not making progress got great enough and I became willing to let down my guard a bit and learn to listen.

There are times when I become very irritable. When this happens I begin to fear myself. But because I've allowed T to get to know me, she is able to talk me down from the fear and irritability. My hope is to one day be able to talk myself down.. but in the meantime I'm grateful to be learning that I can be talked down at all.

This is my experience. I hope it helps somewhat.

[unaluna]

Re transitional object: my T was going to NYC for a convention, before he left he gave me a NY Giants coffee mug (around the time they won the Superbowl, as I had predicted). The value of this ended up being, talking about all my angst around the gift - how could I take something so precious from him? when would I have to give it back to him? And figuring out what those questions meant IRL, in relation to my mother, whatever. Because it was so obviously NOT about a coffee mug. That FEELING - when do I have to give it back? - wasn't accessible to me otherwise, but it's a biggie, relating to my finances, relationships, home, friendships, virtually everything "owned". This is why T's ask us seemingly nonsensical questions, to trigger feelings. That's what I was thinking when you were kind of complaining about your T asking about what music did you like. You never know where something will take you. You don't know what memory is wired to what feeling, literally, in our huge computer brains. That's what makes it so exciting, so unpredictable, so inefficient!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by laceylu

Start reading books on therapy either fiction or nonfiction. The books may help you define what you want out of T. We have an online book club on PC with several books listed that would be helpful to you. .

Thanks. I will check it out. I have read a lot of books by people such as Yolum, Maruda, Coen, Stark,McWilliams, Muller, Hermann etc. i know what I want. I just am not sure how therapy can help me get it.

[pgrundy]

Having defined goals helps me measure how helpful therapy is or isn't. I've found it helpful at half a dozen times in my life, but then I take breaks in between when I feel like I've gone as far with that bout as I can. So I'll go for a year, off for three. Back on with someone else for three years, off for two, etc. Each time I go back for a reason. I'm not like Woody Allen--I don't see the point in going forever, just to endlessly analyze myself. But that's me. Other people probably aren't as goal-oriented, and that's fine.

Right now I go just to keep myself accountable, because my spouse has good insurance and it's cheap to go. At an earlier point in my life it wasn't cheap at all but I still did whatever I could to keep going because my illness was critical. Now, not so much. It gets slowly better.

Honestly the thing that has helped me more than anything, therapy included, was getting on the right meds. It was like flipping a switch and suddenly turning 'normal'. Like, wow--THIS is what I'm SUPPOSED to feel like! What a revelation.

i know what I want. I just am not sure how therapy can help me get it.

If you know what you want, then try doing it on your own. If you're unable to do it yourself, then perhaps you need help getting there.

[stopdog]

I have not been able to do it on my own thus far. If I had, therapy would never have even entered the picture. But that is not the point of this thread.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by stopdog

i know what I want. I just am not sure how therapy can help me get it.

Did you ever tell a therapist what you want and ask if they think therapy can help you get that? We can't really take a stab at answering that since we don't know what you want, but when you are candid about what you want with a therapist, hopefully they would tell you if therapy can help you achieve that and how they would try to do that with you. Maybe they will think therapy cannot help with your particular goal and point you in another direction. But hopefully they would be able to talk with you on this so you have the understanding of therapy's ability/inability to help that you are looking for.

I liked Ygrec's analogy of the video game. I have been feeling like that myself lately--just starting to get a glimpse of the next level.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Did you ever tell a therapist what you want and ask if they think therapy can help you get that? We can't really take a stab at answering that since we don't know what you want, but when you are candid about what you want with a therapist, hopefully they would tell you if therapy can help you achieve that and how they would try to do that with you. Maybe they will think therapy cannot help with your particular goal and point you in another direction. But hopefully they would be able to talk with you on this so you have the understanding of therapy's ability/inability to help that you are looking

I was kind of asking so I could get general info. about what it does for others/ how/why people find this useful, not because I thought anyone can answer for me. I have been candid with therapists and have asked specifically.

[beautifultea]

Before therapy I was pretty much a robot. Or Switzerland as my therapist called it. Incredibly neutral in all feeling and emotion. I just had none. Or didn't know how to access them. Once I made a connection with my therapist I have been able to.

I knew I'd like my therapist on day one because he understood computers and made a joke. I came to trust him in the fact that he appealed to my brain and logic and would show me science behind his theories.

Also we share a lot of the same political and religious views. Or at least he followed my lead and opened up when I started discussing them.

Why do I find that connection useful now? Cause I was sitting here last week thinking of ending my life and feeling utterly hopeless and remembering that he said it wasn't in his opinion. Our connection and my respect for his brain made me think logically about the situation as see that out of the two of us his opinion might be the more sane one at the moment.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I was kind of asking so I could get general info. about what it does for others/ how/why people find this useful, not because I thought anyone can answer for me. I have been candid with therapists and have asked specifically.

I'm curious what you want and what the therapists said when you told them.

I remember on another thread, you said you wanted the information therapists have so you don't have to study psychology as much as they have. I'm curious how you think information would help you.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'm curious what you want and what the therapists said when you told them.

I remember on another thread, you said you wanted the information therapists have so you don't have to study psychology as much as they have. I'm curious how you think information would help you.

They have responded therapy would help although they were never clear about how or why. I think the info would help me with how and why, as well as with me knowing what to do more directly.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I was kind of asking so I could get general info. about what it does for others/ how/why people find this useful, not because I thought anyone can answer for me. I have been candid with therapists and have asked specifically.

Originally Posted by stopdog

They have responded therapy would help although they were never clear about how or why. I think the info would help me with how and why, as well as with me knowing what to do more directly.

Sounds like you want therapists to tell you specific things to do to make you feel better. Is that right? I don't think they can do that. Maybe CBT therapy tells you some specific things to do, like deep breathing, etc. Other people understand CBT more than me. I don't know whether or not you'd believe the things CBT says to do could help.

Anyway, I think therapy is more complicated than them just giving you information. It's about understanding feelings and emotions, because that's what can help you feel better. They are more complicated and less clear and definite than logical information. But I think you already figured that out, so I don't know why I'm saying it .

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by learning1

Sounds like you want therapists to tell you specific things to do to make you feel better. Is that right? I don't think they can do that. Maybe CBT therapy tells you some specific things to do, like deep breathing, etc. Other people understand CBT more than me. I don't know whether or not you'd believe the things CBT says to do could help.

Anyway, I think therapy is more complicated than them just giving you information. It's about understanding feelings and emotions, because that's what can help you feel better. They are more complicated and less clear and definite than logical information. But I think you already figured that out, so I don't know why I'm saying it .

I do not expect them to tell me specific things to do (that may be the one and only thing i do understand about therapy). I do expect them to be able to explain how it works. Then the hope
for me is I could take the Information and figure out how to use it for myself. cBT was not useful for me and the people I consulted on it suggested it was not the approach that would help me.
But why I was asking in this thread is that I am trying to see if the things like I mentioned in my
first post were things others found useful. I do not understand how or why they they are, and to me they do not sound useful (please note, I am not questioning people's responses that they have found these things useful-I believe it when people respond they have been for them) but was curious about others.