[sunrise]

This week, T and I continued making headway on something I have tried for years to bring up. We've had a few recent sessions where progress has been BIG and core issues tumbled out--stuff I had not even been able to articulate well to myself. This core stuff dates back to when I was a young woman and has influenced important life choices/decisions I have made. Sometimes that is hard for me to acknowledge--I did such and such because of this??? Yes. As I told T, it makes me feel like much of my life has been spent behaving as a planarian might--swimming in the opposite direction of an anticipated painful stimulus. I am just a planarian. T said that I have dealt with a lot of painful stuff in the last few years and have not run from it--true. So maybe I'm finding some courage at last and am not forever locked into stimulus/response.

I have sometimes felt dealing with these events from young adulthood and their aftermath is the last frontier of my healing (and work in therapy). When and if I could deal with this, there would be no big stuff left--the "junk" would be pretty much gone. As I talked to T of these past events, I felt like maybe I wouldn't come back. Now there is nothing left to work on that is essential to heal. Bim bam bop, we is done!

I became sad because I don't want to end this. T was giving me a pep speech at the end of our session, and I was not listening. I was crying as I thought about us splitting up. T thought my tears were continued sadness related to the stuff from my past we had discussed, but it was because I was sad to think of leaving him. I wondered how ever was I going to be able to get through the next moments when he would ask when we should schedule our next appointment. Would I say "never"? How could I do that? Maybe I could make an appointment then email him later to cancel. Maybe I should come back for a last session to say bye. All these thoughts swirling--I did not hear a word of his speech.

When he asked me when I wanted to meet next, I didn't deal with it and chose a date in 3 weeks. He commented on the longer interval--lately we have been seeing each other every 2 weeks--but I didn't respond. Choosing a longer interval helped me feel like I was honoring my impulse to end things. Then I left.

I just felt sad. It's over. This is it. No one told me it's over--it was all in my head, just a feeling I was having.

The next day in school, I watched this very strange movie about quantum mechanics, the nature of the universe, neurobiology, and the unity of all things. It included interviews with scientists, philosophers, and spiritual leaders. What they were saying seemed to be beyond where I was in my development. I wasn't completely on board with their ideas because of the weird factor, but maybe this was the sort of thing one thought about and did once one was beyond the junk in one's life. Like if you are healed, you are now at a zero point or sea level, and now you can start moving into the positive--up the mountain. All this time I have been working on being healed, thinking that if I ever managed that, I would be done with therapy, done with personal growth, done with figuring things out. I would now be "OK" and that would be it. But this movie, despite its strangeness, made me think that there might be something beyond healing. And maybe that is a direction T and I might take now in therapy. I think for the first time, I saw that there is something beyond the junk.

Then I didn't feel so sad--it wasn't over after all with T! I wanted to tell T that now I want an appointment in only 2 weeks, not 3! So I feel better now. If I had discussed this with T, he would probably have told me much the same thing as I discovered. He would not have said, "when you're healed our work is done." He would have had me look beyond that. My T has always said to me, "only you know what you need to heal." Mostly, I have, and T has helped make that happen. But if there isn't much more healing to be done, how do I know what to do next? Is T now gonna say, "only you know where you need to go next"? I don't! It's too beyond me. I need T's help with vision, I think.

T said we should bring poetry next time. So he has something in mind for our session (he didn't think we were done with therapy). I think I'll try to bring something that connects with ideas about what might be ahead.
.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by sunrise

The next day in school, I watched this very strange movie about quantum mechanics, the nature of the universe, neurobiology, and the unity of all things. It included interviews with scientists, philosophers, and spiritual leaders. What they were saying seemed to be beyond where I was in my development. I wasn't completely on board with their ideas because of the weird factor, but maybe this was the sort of thing one thought about and did once one was beyond the junk in one's life. Like if you are healed, you are now at a zero point or sea level, and now you can start moving into the positive--up the mountain. All this time I have been working on being healed, thinking that if I ever managed that, I would be done with therapy, done with personal growth, done with figuring things out. I would now be "OK" and that would be it. But this movie, despite its strangeness, made me think that there might be something beyond healing. And maybe that is a direction T and I might take now in therapy. I think for the first time, I saw that there is something beyond the junk.

Hey, sunrise!

One never stops growing (unless one wants to), one never stops thinking, one never stops "figuring things out." Life can be continual growth, right up to the end, if one wants it. And you don't need a T for all of that, though there's nothing wrong in continuing to see him. It's possible that as you get used to being "beyond the junk" you'll be more and more attracted by the idea of doing it by yourself, without training wheels. And you can do that just by stretching it out, as was your impulse, first to three weeks, then longer and longer. The world is a very fascinating place when one has finished using most of one's internal CPU on head problems. I'm sure that with your intelligence and capabilities you'll find many, many valuable things to do and to find out about since you're no longer hampered by your mind. Great news! Good luck!

[unaluna]

I love planaria! I haven't seen any since tenth grade biology class! But I don't think I remembered the name. Thanks for the pic!

[granite1]

sunrise what a rolarcoaster.soounds like it was a painfull few days.i have been told in the past that once as you put it all the junk is out on the table that is when the real work starts.leaarning how to live and accomplish what you want out of life.learning how to create and live with happiness.it for sure isnt over at all and i am glad you were able to see that.would you think about sharing this experiance with him and maybe get his thoughts on this.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Sunny, getting deeper and deeper to the point where one can ID the core beliefs is a long and hard journey, and reaching the ID point is a big achievement (speaking for myself, anyway) but my T says that it takes a long time to change them. Being able to articulate them is not the end of the road.

thanks for your post, it has given me a lot to think about. to you

Two things about your post interest me very much:

1. You used the words "splitting up" to refer to the end of therapy. It's not really like ending a marriage or a romantic relationship though, is it?

What it is, though, is a re-opening of wounds that may be related to loss. The cool thing about ending therapy is that it gives you a chance to process a new issue-- how do you deal with loss? How have relationships ended for you over time, and how did you feel about those endings? How will you choose to end this relationship and how will you find meaning in it? [note: these are rhetorical questions, not meant to be probing questions for you].

IME, the ending of therapy is bittersweet for this reason. It is a loss, but it also marks the beginning of the celebration of what has been learned and used and moved forward.

2. You might know, I was in therapy for about five years, then a 15 year break, then back in the last six months and I anticipate leaving sometime in the next six months. And I was in NYC for the weekend, the car service driver was taking me to LaGuardia Airport. It was a big taxi, a large SUV, and I was kind of zoning out and closing my eyes in the back seat when I lurched forward, falling off the seat, because the driver suddenly slammed on the breaks.

"So sorry, miss!" said the driver in his lyrical Caribbean accent. "I swear, that pothole was not there yesterday!"

I looked back and there indeed was a HUGE pothole, probably big enough to fit my Honda in it.

"Welcome to my life", I muttered, pretty much under my breath.

"What you say?" He glanced back but continued to weave through the traffic like he was on a racetrack.

"I was using a metaphor", I told him.

"Yes, ma'am, it is a quarter to four", he replied.

So, yeah, on my own journey, I've found a pothole that wasn't there yesterday. Just because the road was smooth sailing yesterday doesn't mean that there won't be potholes in the future. Something to look forward to, eh?

But, on a more serious note, I really appreciated hearing about where you are now. I've never quite heard it described like you did, and I think you really captured it in a very essential way. Thank you.

Anne

[rainbow8]

sunrise, your post is eloquent. I'm not sure that's the word I mean, but I can't think of another one. It moved me. You've captured the essence of what therapy is all about, and what emotions come up when the "end" is anticipated.

I think you've said in the past that you wouldn't quit therapy, that you would see your T periodically so it wouldn't really end. You and he have such a close relationship that it seems like a good way to go. He's always going to be there for you and check-in visits are fine with him, I assume. I imagine you'll discuss termination with him before you actually do it. There should be an "end" to regular sessions and that is bittersweet even if you can come back periodically.

I am happy that you worked through the issue that was bothering you for so long. I am proud of you for doing that hard work!

It is fascinating that the movie you saw helped you to realize that there is something "beyond the junk". I'm sure you and your T will be able to figure out where you need to go next.

[stopdog]

I have read several books on termination (a worse word I cannot imagine to describe leaving therapy) and the range is remarkable. I am glad you found a way to work through it.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by sunrise

T But if there isn't much more healing to be done, how do I know what to do next? Is T now gonna say, "only you know where you need to go next"? I don't! It's too beyond me. I need T's help with vision, I think.

You know, I approached the subject with T last week about being done. I was feeling strong and clear-minded. I didn't feel needy anymore and I wasn't sure what the point would be of continuing. I try to be honest with myself about why I'm doing stuff (although, I'm finding that when you don't know yourself well, it's tougher to really be honest).

I'm sure she was shocked and very surprised about me bringing up the topic. It was only 'yesterday' that I was spilling my guts about how dependent I was on her.

So, we calmly discussed the possible termination (I hate that word too) and if there was anything else to grapple with. She pulled out my file and I re-read the list of goals I had when I first started therapy in December. For some weird reason I wasn't even feeling sad at all.

She even warned me she'd be on vacation in November and where normally I would react intensely to that fact, this time I had no reaction and told her it was fine. I was feeling quite detached actually.

She was great. She didn't try to talk me into staying but she gently pointed out other areas that may need work even though I had possibly gotten 'beyond the junk'. And I agreed that, indeed, there still was a lot of work ahead of me and that some of my more 'minor' issues hadn't been resolved.
So, we both decided that it was best to continue.

I said I didn't know what to bring to session then and she replied that maybe she could take the lead finally. I smiled because it will be fun to see what she has up her sleeve. She thought I always wanted to be in charge and that it would be tough for me to let go, but actually it will be nice to try it another way.

But, then the next day I sunk. I actually left her a message and told her she was right - that I did have more work to do.

So, yes, it's nice to see that maybe we've moved beyond the junk, but I suspect many of us will have challenges in many other forms in the future and it's really really nice to have a T to talk to about other stuff.

[sunrise]

So many interesting and helpful responses here. I will respond more later. I appreciate everyone's perspectives and wisdom!

Originally Posted by hankster

I love planaria! I haven't seen any since tenth grade biology class! But I don't think I remembered the name. Thanks for the pic!

You're welcome. I think they are kind of cute! I hadn't thought of planaria for years until I announced to T in our session that I felt like one. (I did a small research project on planaria many moons ago when I was in college.)
.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

The world is a very fascinating place when one has finished using most of one's internal CPU on head problems.

I like how you put that, Ygrec. Thank you. I think I am looking for some vision now, really big vision. Maybe T right now or soon may be a person to discuss the big beyond with. Visions and dreams. Maybe not so much implementation of such or practicalities and "how to's" but just someone to do the visioning thing with. I am probably not making too much sense but just opening up and letting my need speak.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by granite1

learning how to create and live with happiness.it for sure isnt over at all and i am glad you were able to see that.would you think about sharing this experiance with him and maybe get his thoughts on this.

Thank you, granite. I like what you suggested about getting my T's thoughts on this. I think it might be an amazing conversation.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Sunny, getting deeper and deeper to the point where one can ID the core beliefs is a long and hard journey, and reaching the ID point is a big achievement (speaking for myself, anyway) but my T says that it takes a long time to change them. Being able to articulate them is not the end of the road.

I think I came across as too glib or boasting, and I apologize. I know one cannot change in a day. What I am seeing is that even though it took me a long, long time to talk to T about this particular issue, I (and T) was in some ways working on it all along. For years. I am finding the longer I am in therapy that the healing goes more quickly, or maybe it was going on simultaneously with other stuff I was working on that didn't seem related. Underground. I do not seem to have a need to go over the same topic in therapy repeatedly. Like once the gates open, it all happens FAST. This has been a pattern in my therapy and also outside in the last few years with the help of therapy. I know it does seem strange and premature to talk of healing on this thing that only quite recently has been articulated in therapy. I think I have done some healing on this on my own; T is an important player who has come into my life in recent years to help me make it happen and open the doors to what is beyond. Despite my odd interlude of feeling "this is the end", I know that we will do more with this--there's more story to tell, and we are bringing poetry. And while we do this, I hopefully will become more familiar (and comfortable) with that glimpse of a beyond.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

1. You used the words "splitting up" to refer to the end of therapy. It's not really like ending a marriage or a romantic relationship though, is it?

It's funny you mention that as I thought about whether to use those words or not and then deliberately wrote them. I think using those words was a way to honor our relationship. No, the T relationship is not a romantic relationship, but it is indeed very special and those words are appropriate for a special relationship like that (at least for me).

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

How will you choose to end this relationship and how will you find meaning in it?

This is a good question and I think the way I want to end it is "not on the spot" as I had that impulse to do last session. When the time comes, I will be more intentional and thoughtful. I hope! I terminated therapy with my first therapist (the one before this one) very accidentally. A session just ended up being our last one, with no forethought or intention. So I never said "bye" or "thanks" or "it's been helpful (or not helpful)" or anything. I think I was so caught up in my own problems at the time that I just didn't think much about ending therapy. We were not close and I just let it slide because it was not helping me anymore. I think back on it now and see it was rude to do that. I wish I had been more intentional.

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

What it is, though, is a re-opening of wounds that may be related to loss.

Really good point, again. I have traditionally not good at loss but I think I have gotten better more recently. (I think moving through "the end" with my father, who died this summer, was something that helped me "rise to the occasion" and help create an end that was pretty good...." I don't think I'm there yet (to the end) with my T, but I want to do better than I did with my last therapist, and the experience with my father will help, I think.

Anne, thank you for your thoughtful response.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think you've said in the past that you wouldn't quit therapy, that you would see your T periodically so it wouldn't really end. You and he have such a close relationship that it seems like a good way to go. He's always going to be there for you and check-in visits are fine with him, I assume.

I think that's what I did think and yes, have shared with you before--it was kind of the model I seemed to be heading towards. T and I had reached the point of seeing each other only monthly (not in an attempt to wind down or terminate but in synch with my need). Then I needed extra help dealing with my dad's illness and death, and mixed in with that was finally getting to this issue I've been putting off working on in therapy for so long. So we had gone back to meeting every 2 weeks! I thought our times would lengthen again with no big stuff to work on, but then I had this glimpse of "a beyond" and it changed my idea about what we might work on in therapy. It doesn't have to be that I see T only occasionally and then more frequently when I need more support. I might actually see him for other things (crafting the vision and working on the elements of it) than I had thought. So it's just a new way of thinking about our work that I am coming to. We would work together on something new and positive rather than dealing with difficulties. Perhaps after visioning together, I might cut way back and be very able to grow that on my own.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

There should be an "end" to regular sessions ... even if you can come back periodically.

I'm not sure I will do it that way.

I'm enjoying having a new idea of my life opening up. So I am feeling more focused on that than on thinking about ending therapy.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I said I didn't know what to bring to session then and she replied that maybe she could take the lead finally. I smiled because it will be fun to see what she has up her sleeve. She thought I always wanted to be in charge and that it would be tough for me to let go, but actually it will be nice to try it another way.

That reminds me of what T said about how next time he wants us to bring poetry. He has never been so directive and told me what we would do in the next session! It was always up to me. I like how he stepped in and suggested this. I like letting him have the idea for a change. I always had to lead because it was about healing and only I know what I need to heal. But if the focus is not so much on healing, but on growth, then it makes sense that I wouldn't always have to lead. It is a whole new way of looking at therapy--healing will not drive everything. I am looking forward to our next session.