[peaches100]

Hi Everybody,

What do you think is the best way to process/resolve partial memories of traumatic incidents? I have a couple of very disturbing memories, but they exist only as glimpses and partial memories. I do not recall the whole situation. I do not want to try to uncover the memories because i am afraid that if i have forgotten, it is probably for a good reason. My inner feeling is that if i did recall the entire thing, i would not be able to handle knowing it. Yet my subconscious won't just let me forget and move on. The pieces i do remember are like sticks that keep poking me to get my attention. At times, i've tried to remember the whole thing, but i just can't. What should I do?

This happens/ed to me all of the time. But the fear off not being able to handle the full memory flooding me was just that a fear, in reality after talking about what it was I was seeing it was like a aha moment, suddenly I knew that it meant and I felt strong enought at the same time to handle it now and wondered why it felt so bad inside. Proberbly because for me the memories were from childhood and a child doesnt have the ablity to think about things like an adult which helps with the processing. From a childs perspective its all to much, and its that which prevents us from thinking about it as adults.

Once the memory was recovered (actually my life is full of those memories from ongoing abuse) it made me feel more capable in life. If that makes sense.

I have a series of pictures (still shots) that run through my head from time to time. I've learned not to dwell on them since I really don't know what they are. My T once said to me, "So even if they are the worst you can imagine, what difference is that really going to make to your recovery? What you've experienced is pretty horrific in itself. Nothing is going to change who you are, how far you've come, unless you choose to change yourself." It kept me grounded in the reality that no matter what happened to me in the past, I'm still who I am. I made it through it, even if I don't know what "it" is completely. The knowledge of what "it" is isn't going to change where I am right now. So I am able to view those pictures with curiosity, but not dwell on them now.

[granite1]

peaches good to hear from you sorry you are having to deal with these memories.have you ever tried to hash them out with your T or anything.i know i have these kind of memories .like they are just thare and pop up a lot at night or just out of noplace.the just seem to be.what does your T say about them?

[Sannah]

Your subconscious knows everything. You know that these memories are bothering you and causing you trouble. Yes, dealing with them at first can be hard but it will be easier afterwards. Do you want to move forward or stay where you are?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by peaches100

The pieces i do remember are like sticks that keep poking me to get my attention.

Do you have a therapist and have you discussed these pieces of memories with them? I don't think the pieces are going to let you "go" until you do process them, see where they lead, what they are about.

One comfort I have noticed for myself; usually one only remembers what one can deal with at the time so when/if you do remember the whole thing, you will be able to deal with it at that time. I'm not saying it will be easy to deal with, just possible.

Rather than try to "force" yourself to remember the whole thing, I would just go with what you have, maybe write stories with a piece, do multiple beginnings/endings? Just jog your memory a little at a time, gently, and without expectations. Accept whatever you have rather than fighting it, it is a bit like a dream, not actually happening in reality now. Whatever it is, the whole experience is with you and part of you so not something to be afraid of.

[elliemay]

In my opinion, i think the best course of action would be to do nothing to try and recover the rest of the memory.

I also think that the memory itself really isn't the important thing, but rather the feelings that are associated with it.

These glimpses that you have, how do they make you feel? What's your initial reaction to them?

That's the real heart of the matter, again IMO.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

This happens/ed to me all of the time. But the fear off not being able to handle the full memory flooding me was just that a fear, in reality after talking about what it was I was seeing it was like a aha moment, suddenly I knew that it meant and I felt strong enought at the same time to handle it now and wondered why it felt so bad inside. Proberbly because for me the memories were from childhood and a child doesnt have the ablity to think about things like an adult which helps with the processing. From a childs perspective its all to much, and its that which prevents us from thinking about it as adults.

Once the memory was recovered (actually my life is full of those memories from ongoing abuse) it made me feel more capable in life. If that makes sense.

Hi Earthmama,

I hope that if i ever remember the whole picture, it will be as it was with you, that i will be able to handle it.

The odd thing is that it doesn't feel as though the child part of me that experienced the trauma is the part that is afraid to tell. It feels like the adult part of me is afraid to know. I have a strong feeling of guilt about suspecting somebody i know of doing this traumatic thing. Like i would feel horrible blaming them (even inside my own mind) for something that perhaps they never did do. So in a way, i guess i am saying that i don't trust my own memories and perceptions, and think i somehow remembered it wrongly or maybe just dreamed it so that it feels real. Does that make sense?

On the other hand, I'm so aware of this very deep buried pain and know that "something" is responsible for the way i feel. My family can be quite secretive (several years ago, they divorced but stayed living together, and didn't even tell me). So it's possible and probably even likely that if something bad happened like I remember, that they would deny or hide it. Even though they know I've been in therapy a long time and have suffered depression -- and that some of it was due to my childhood -- my mom says she can think of nothing that happened out of the ordinary in my childhood that would have caused my depression today (even though she knows i was SA by a neighbor).

Actually, one of my memories is of something bad happening to my sister, and me telling my mom, and then mom saying it never happened and i dreamed it. So I guess I'm sort of telling myself the same thing today.

In most of my traumatic memories, i can't see the face of the perpetrator, so can't say for sure who it was. Even the perp. I know for certain about (my neighbor) -- I can't picture his face either. I can't recall what he even looked like. It's weird.

[peaches100]

Another reason why it is hard to trust my memories is because I don't remember some things that i should remember. For example, I have no memories of my graduation. And I am quite forgetful now too. I have no idea what has caused that. But it makes me not want to trust what I "do" remember.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I have a series of pictures (still shots) that run through my head from time to time. I've learned not to dwell on them since I really don't know what they are. My T once said to me, "So even if they are the worst you can imagine, what difference is that really going to make to your recovery? What you've experienced is pretty horrific in itself. Nothing is going to change who you are, how far you've come, unless you choose to change yourself." It kept me grounded in the reality that no matter what happened to me in the past, I'm still who I am. I made it through it, even if I don't know what "it" is completely. The knowledge of what "it" is isn't going to change where I am right now. So I am able to view those pictures with curiosity, but not dwell on them now.

Hi Farmergirl,

What you say makes sense. I know I'm the same person regardless of whether i have a full picture of what happened or not. I'm not digging for memories; I'm just disturbed by the partial memories and pictures that come into my mind unbidden. If i could forget them, i would gladly do it. But they keep . What do you do when that happens to you? Do you just put it out of your mind and direct your attention to something else? Or do you say, "Hmm, that's interesting. Well, maybe that happened, and maybe it didn't. But it doesn't really matter." ???

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by granite1

peaches good to hear from you sorry you are having to deal with these memories.have you ever tried to hash them out with your T or anything.i know i have these kind of memories .like they are just thare and pop up a lot at night or just out of noplace.the just seem to be.what does your T say about them?

Hi Granite,

A long time ago, I talked about these memories with my t. But we seemed to get stuck becuase she kept telling me whatever happened wasn't my fault, but i felt like it was. Like i have this sense of badness at my core; I feel like i've done something terrible that I just can't remember. And that i was somehow at fault for whatever happened to my sister too. I don't know if i ever felt the emotions associated with my traumatic memories. I have a problem with my emotions. Either i do not feel them at all, or when i do, they totally overwhelm me. It makes it hard for me to process anything in sessions.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Granite,

A long time ago, I talked about these memories with my t. But we seemed to get stuck becuase she kept telling me whatever happened wasn't my fault, but i felt like it was. Like i have this sense of badness at my core; I feel like i've done something terrible that I just can't remember. And that i was somehow at fault for whatever happened to my sister too. I don't know if i ever felt the emotions associated with my traumatic memories. I have a problem with my emotions. Either i do not feel them at all, or when i do, they totally overwhelm me. It makes it hard for me to process anything in sessions.

Granite,

My t has said that perhaps i am not ready to know what a part of me remembers and has to share with me. She said for some people to heal, they need to talk about it and have somebody be a witness to their experience. But perhaps i do not feel safe enough for this to happen. She also said that the part of me that carries the memory must feel very isolated and alone, and she feels sad for that part. I can't really say if she is right or not. All i can say is that i remember pieces that haunt me, but i do not have enough of the other pieces to understand it fully or resolve it.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Your subconscious knows everything. You know that these memories are bothering you and causing you trouble. Yes, dealing with them at first can be hard but it will be easier afterwards. Do you want to move forward or stay where you are?

Hi Sannah,

I want to move forward. But i don't know how to deal with memories that i can't recall enough to understand.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Perna

Do you have a therapist and have you discussed these pieces of memories with them? I don't think the pieces are going to let you "go" until you do process them, see where they lead, what they are about.

One comfort I have noticed for myself; usually one only remembers what one can deal with at the time so when/if you do remember the whole thing, you will be able to deal with it at that time. I'm not saying it will be easy to deal with, just possible.

Rather than try to "force" yourself to remember the whole thing, I would just go with what you have, maybe write stories with a piece, do multiple beginnings/endings? Just jog your memory a little at a time, gently, and without expectations. Accept whatever you have rather than fighting it, it is a bit like a dream, not actually happening in reality now. Whatever it is, the whole experience is with you and part of you so not something to be afraid of.

Hi Perna,

Yes, I have a t. She says that the more i try NOT to think about my traumas, the more they come to mind.

Maybe i should just start talking to t about those pieces that i DO remember. I wasn't ready to do it a long time ago when we talked about it. I mean i wasn't ready to deal with the emotions connected to it. I wonder if i could handle it now? I dunno. I get so flooded by overwhelming emotions, though, whenever i let myself get in touch with that part of me that hurts. It makes me feel re-traumatized and i sometimes feel exhausted for 2 days afterward. As long as i don't address or indulge the memories that come up, i can function much better. But then i sort of feel like an emotionless robot going through the motions, and in the back of my mind i know i am ignoring my subconscious that is poking at me.

I'm scared about getting the story "wrong." Like what if i seem to remember that X happened and that Y did it. . .but in reality maybe X happened and Z did it. . .or X didn't happen and i dreamed it?? I will feel like a liar, and in my religion, we do not believe in lying. In fact, the Bible says God hates a liar. I don't want to blame the wrong person. How can i process my memories without pinning it on the person who keeps coming to my mind?

The last 3 days i have had a couple of very strong deja-vu feelings. When they came over me, my heart started pounding and i felt nauseous. I had to sit down because i felt faint. While it was happening, i almost connected what it was about. But once it passed, i could not remember. I don't know if these are memories trying to come up from my subconscious, or if i was just doing something that felt familiar that i had done in the past. But i wasn't doing anything unusual, just getting ready to go to work. It doesn't happen often, and i don't like it at all when it does happen.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Perna

Do you have a therapist and have you discussed these pieces of memories with them? I don't think the pieces are going to let you "go" until you do process them, see where they lead, what they are about.

One comfort I have noticed for myself; usually one only remembers what one can deal with at the time so when/if you do remember the whole thing, you will be able to deal with it at that time. I'm not saying it will be easy to deal with, just possible.

Rather than try to "force" yourself to remember the whole thing, I would just go with what you have, maybe write stories with a piece, do multiple beginnings/endings? Just jog your memory a little at a time, gently, and without expectations. Accept whatever you have rather than fighting it, it is a bit like a dream, not actually happening in reality now. Whatever it is, the whole experience is with you and part of you so not something to be afraid of.

Perna,

OK. I will try to accept the pieces that come to mind. I just don't know how to quell myself of the guilt of feeling like I'm blaming somebody perhaps wrongly.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by elliemay

In my opinion, i think the best course of action would be to do nothing to try and recover the rest of the memory.

I also think that the memory itself really isn't the important thing, but rather the feelings that are associated with it.

These glimpses that you have, how do they make you feel? What's your initial reaction to them?

That's the real heart of the matter, again IMO.

Elliemay,

The glimpses scare me and make me feel anxious. I don't want to believe that my memories are accurate. They also make me feel guilty for picturing somebody that i know doing something bad, that maybe they did not really do. I'm extremely afraid of feeling the emotions that are stuck inside me that relate to my traumas. It sometimes feels that if i do that, it will destroy me, like i will not be able to tolerate the pain in my body.

I use to be worried that I had been SA'ed, spent quite a few yrs drinking on that "memory" and telling people when drunk that this relative or that relative had done this or that to me. I was never sure

I know now that sexual abuse is a solid thing, its something that can be understood as abuse if and when remembered, but emotional abuse is fluid, its hard to believe, its easier to feel as if it must be made up, but for me the SA never happened, it was my way of trying to understand and also deny that my mother could have been so emotionally abusive to me.

My inner world used "male" figures sexually abusing me the child as a way to define the power my mother had over me, whilst my consiousness struggled to understand my life story. If I had been sexually abused at least I would have an explaination, something to pin all my despair on, but emotional abuse is more covert, it gets covered up with the "Normality" that existed as well.

I was slightly disappointed at first when I'd talked enought and worked through enought of the memorys to find them just metaphors for something else that was more difficult to comprehend.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Maybe i should just start talking to t about those pieces that i DO remember. I wasn't ready to do it a long time ago when we talked about it.

I mean i wasn't ready to deal with the emotions connected to it.

I get so flooded by overwhelming emotions, though, whenever i let myself get in touch with that part of me that hurts. It makes me feel re-traumatized and i sometimes feel exhausted for 2 days afterward.

As long as i don't address or indulge the memories that come up, i can function much better.

But then i sort of feel like an emotionless robot going through the motions, and in the back of my mind i know i am ignoring my subconscious that is poking at me.

I'm scared about getting the story "wrong." Like what if i seem to remember that X happened and that Y did it. . .but in reality maybe X happened and Z did it. . .or X didn't happen and i dreamed it?? I will feel like a liar, and in my religion, we do not believe in lying. In fact, the Bible says God hates a liar. I don't want to blame the wrong person. How can i process my memories without pinning it on the person who keeps coming to my mind?

This^ sounds like great stuff to discuss with your T. Getting out those feelings around the trauma sounds like the most important thing to do.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by peaches100

A long time ago, I talked about these memories with my t. But we seemed to get stuck becuase she kept telling me whatever happened wasn't my fault, but i felt like it was. Like i have this sense of badness at my core; I feel like i've done something terrible that I just can't remember. And that i was somehow at fault for whatever happened to my sister too.

Talking with your T about you feeling like it was your fault also sounds like a good thing to do.

[purple_fins]

The mind can be a very odd thing.
I'm reading a book and the real detective in the book said the worst evidence is an eye witness-- there can be ten eye witnesses and there will be ten varying stories... some similar and some VERY different, yet they were all at the same place while the crime happened.... why so many views? because each mind takes past, present and expected future and molds the memory from all that.

Maybe the guilt you feel is powering your memory...?? Guilt can be so powerful... it can keep one stuck for a lifetime.. I know that so well.

have you ever talked to your sister about your memory of her trauma? maybe asking her to clear some things up for you, would be helpful.
I recently talked to the sister that was in the car with me when our mother tried to kill herself(she tried to jump out while on the highway)-- I thought I was the only one that remembered it-- but to my surprise, she remembered it all just as I had! it was a relief to hear her speak of similar memories, was like a validation.
can you try to talk to your sister? it's hard but, maybe she would do it if you voiced to her how important it would be for the both of you.

anyway-- that's all for now.... I have to think some more.....

best to you,

fins

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This^ sounds like great stuff to discuss with your T. Getting out those feelings around the trauma sounds like the most important thing to do.

Hi Sannah,

I saw my t yesterday and talked to her about some of this. She told me that memory is not always 100%. Sometimes, it is a combination of actual memories, or pieces of memories, mixed with our thoughts and perhaps even things we've seen or that others have told us. But in general, if our minds and bodies are "poking" at us, then there's a trauma to address. She said the important thing isn't the details of the memory as much as about the feelings we have about the memory/flashback or whatever. Dealing with how it makes us feel.

Right now, i think i want to start dealing with the memories i am sure about, in pieces i can handle. But those memories that are partial or where i am afraid of understanding it wrong or maybe blaming the wrong person (in some of them, i can't see the person's face). . .in those cases, i just want to process my emotions about it, how when i think about it, it makes me feel very scared or sad or whatever. In one of the memories, i'm scared it might be a certain person, but i just don't feel able to name them to t, i just don't want to go there, because i am not sure and could be wrong about it.

On my session yesterday, we were doing ego state therapy and i got in touch with a part of myself that is like my mom -- and even for a few minutes, i think i was getting myself mixed up with my mom in my mind. But anyway, this part of me wants everything to be happy and perfect and not to acknowledge that bad things ever happen -- and especially not in "our family." This is exactly how my mom is, she denies or ignores tragedies and grief and sad things -- which is why i was so often alone with my pain as a child.

What i discovered yesterday is that I have a part of me that feels just like my mom does. Which means that i really don't believe myself (the hurt child parts of me) when i get these memories about my traumas. I don't want to think they are true. I don't want to listen to them. Yesterday in my session, i found myself saying that I have an overactive imagination, that i blow things out of proportion, and that i probably just made it up or dreamed the traumas, that they aren't real. (In one of my memories, this is actually something that my mom told me once. I had gone to her and told her about something bad that happened, and she told me it didn't happen, that i only dreamed it. So i kind of tell myself the same thing now.)

So anyway. . .we spent some time talking about how i can trust my memories and perceptions, i can trust my mind and body that there is a reason for my pain, that i am not just making things up -- even if i do not have all the details.

So. . .maybe now i am ready to start processing some of my traumas, as long as we take it slow enough for me to handle it. And as long as i don't have to name anybody or fill in blanks where I am not sure about something.

Maybe in some ways, i am still avoiding because a part of me does suspect a certain person of doing something, but at this point, i just do not believe it or want to. I just want to address what i remember and/or my emotions about things that i may not fully remember.

[stopdog]

I find the memory thing to be difficult. Good luck with processing through it.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This^ sounds like great stuff to discuss with your T. Getting out those feelings around the trauma sounds like the most important thing to do.

Sannah,

About the part where i function better if i don't acknowledge traumas. . .t has said that i have worked really hard to my awareness and emotions separate. I never ever learned how to manage my distressing emotions as a kid (and had them often!) So at some point, i think i just began to dismiss them along with my bad experiences. There was no one in my family to validate what happened or my feelings about it.

So many times, there would be difficult incidents at home that would leave me confused and crying, yet i'd end up in my room alone, trying to figure out what happened, why my dad was being mean to me, what i did wrong. And it would drive me crazy because i could not understand or figure it out. And no one would comfort me or explain to me what was going on. The next day, everybody would act like the incident the previous day had never occurred.

So now, when i'm faced with my subconcious trying to bring some of these incidents back to mind, I don't feel capable of managing the intense emotions that come with them. I feel confused. And i don't really trust myself to know what happened correctly. It's like since childhood, my experiences have been invalidated for so long that i now can't trust my own mind. My strongest urge is to invalidate myself and my memories -- along with the part of me that holds the memories and the pain. This keeps me very stuck in my therapy, unable to move forward.

Also. . .it is not just my "mother" part that wants to see everything as good and perfect that prevents me from validating my memories and feelings about them. . .but i have other parts of me that stand in the way as well in therapy. One part of me is very, very protective and untrusting and does not want to let anybody, including my t, get close to the parts of me that feel young and hurt. I have been hurt and betrayed too many times when i trusted and opened up my true self to someone. So despite years with my t, there is still part of me that holds back letting her access the part of me that feels hurt and sad and scared. I always want to put on this mask of competence and i have a wall around me.

So it's hard. I want to heal so much, but i seem to have parts of myself that stand in the way.

[peaches100]

There is also a part of me that feels disgusted about seeming needy or childish or wanting comfort. And that keeps me from being able to open up those parts of me that need healing. And when i am able to let go of judgement and say what I need, i sometimes find out it is "too much," such as needing to email my t too often. I think that i end up being a burden to my t by needing so much contact, and then i feel ashamed and want to bury that needy part of myself that causes problems and embarrasses me.

Will i ever get past all the parts of me that prevent me from doing the "real" work in therapy?

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

The mind can be a very odd thing.
I'm reading a book and the real detective in the book said the worst evidence is an eye witness-- there can be ten eye witnesses and there will be ten varying stories... some similar and some VERY different, yet they were all at the same place while the crime happened.... why so many views? because each mind takes past, present and expected future and molds the memory from all that.

Maybe the guilt you feel is powering your memory...?? Guilt can be so powerful... it can keep one stuck for a lifetime.. I know that so well.

have you ever talked to your sister about your memory of her trauma? maybe asking her to clear some things up for you, would be helpful.
I recently talked to the sister that was in the car with me when our mother tried to kill herself(she tried to jump out while on the highway)-- I thought I was the only one that remembered it-- but to my surprise, she remembered it all just as I had! it was a relief to hear her speak of similar memories, was like a validation.
can you try to talk to your sister? it's hard but, maybe she would do it if you voiced to her how important it would be for the both of you.

anyway-- that's all for now.... I have to think some more.....

best to you,

fins

Hi Purplefins,

Could you explain what you mean by "Maybe guilt is powering your memory?" I am not sure what that means. I know i feel guilt often.

My sister seems not to remember what happened to her. I asked her once if anything had happened to her like it happened to me (in reference to some SA by a neighbor). My sister said No, she didn't think so. However, she shows some very clear evidence of having had SA (my t agrees). And that would fit in with my partial memories about it. I have often wished she would remember and open up to me, and we could talk about it. But if she truly does not remember, it is probably for a good reason. I would never want to open up a can of worms for her by jogging her memory. She seems to be going through her life OK without that traumatic event causing her pain today, and i would not wish to put the agony i am going through onto her.