[delicatefade26]

Okay...so I had a session today with T...and I honestly felt like in the beginning he was not as present as he should be...I brought in a list of the things I would like to talk about-and it I would say what it was then I felt like he was responding with okay thanks for that info..not worth expanding on...and that he was not invested in being there with me...we also had a sort of tiff about an issue I felt he would just not let go-and i said you are pissing me off. so we talked about it a little more-then I started crying hysterically and said I was just tired and that I've had a hard week and I've just been trying to keep it together...then we did get into a transcrisis event that happened this week and I read him a letter I wrote to my inner child and he held my hand while I read it-but then when we hugged i held him onto him a little longer than usual or something and he said "oh you are really holding on there" or something and it struck me the wrong way and really hurt my feelings. Also-he told me he added another client to his schedule...and that irritated me as well.
Sooo....I leave feeling like I'm in a daze and I get home and decide I'm going to email him and tell him all the things that bothered me..and that I want to take a few weeks break...I slightly regret doing this-and I'm terrified of what he is going to say back...gahhh!!

Well, you'll probably get what you asked for. He'll probably allow you to take a break and will give you that space. Be prepared for that. Is that really what you want or was it a knee jerk reaction to whatever triggered you in your session? If you don't really want a break, you will need to take the initiative to schedule a session and expect that this will need to be talked about. If you do really want a break, that's okay too, and still expect that you will need to talk about this in session. The one thing not to do is to use this as some sort of "test" to see if he'll come begging you to come back right away or something. Not that that is what you are doing, but own your choice to take a break or not as your decision and work from there.

[Daonnachd]

We make ourselves vulnerable but that allows them to do their jobs. I had to tell my therapist that I almost felt like I was falling in love. Of course, I also then laid out all the reasons that was absurd, but it allowed her to make some connections and draw parallels I think she would not have otherwise done. It's easier for me to talk with her now. I hope the same comes for you.

Just curious....Vertigo????? did your screen name use to be "zooropa" just curious. that is your location and a user named the same used to post here alot.. haven't seen her in awhile.. kinda miss her

[delicatefade26]

Thanks for the input ya'll-I actually ended up emailing him this morning and telling him that I was beyond exhausted and sensitive yesterday and that while some of it might not have been true-the hug thing really did hurt my feelings-I also said that if he were okay with it I would like to meet again next week...but I didn't hear back from him today and probably won't until Tuesday now...which just puts me in a horrible mood-I hate this T stuff sometimes

[zbmom]

That's weird he told you he added another client to his schedule. My T never talks about her other clients, we just make our appt, she tells me when her openings are and I say what works best for me. I typically get to have the same slot and book about 2 weeks of sessions at a time.

As for the hug, maybe he was just surprised that you wanted to hug for so long after the session was kind of rocky? He probably wasn't criticizing you, probably just commenting on it because it was unusual.

[delicatefade26]

You know thinking about that makes me angry-why in the heck did he even have to tell me that he added another client-especially when he told me he wasn't going to add any to his already busy schedule...I mean I know that we don't have a set time right now and I usually email him and we work out a time for the week-and he was telling me to do it sooner rather than later b/c he hasn't scheduled this new client for any time...I don't know it was a weird session filled with the full range of emotions and responses...
The hug thing upset me more than anything-and I'm sure we are going to talk about it in the next session-it made me feel ashamed and wrong for doing it (I'm sure that wasn't his intention) but it still hurt...I don't know if I can handle this T stuff anymore-I want to quit so bad

[WePow]

(((((delicate)))))) It sounds like the new client info brought up something for you.
Usually when this happens, there is something from the past that is still hurting. That pain causes us to respond in fear at the heart level.

It sounds like mentally you understand that his schedule and therapy practive belongs to him. That he is responsible for his own time. But there is a fear there at the emotional level that perhaps you will not be able to have your needs met if he is "spread too thin"?

Hug issues can be hard to work on because the physical touch between a client and therapist works at the chemical level in the body and assists in building trust.
When he made that comment about holding on, I can see how easily that may be felt as his urge to pull away or to break the bond with you. That jolt of "rejection" at a time when the chemicals are building trust can be very painful and confussing. It is a form of "sending mixed messages" at a physical level.

Keep being honest about what you feel with all of this. The mind can understand from the mature standpoint the facts - knowing T was not rejecting you - while the heart feels whatever pain it is feeling at the same time.

Learning how to hold these two oposing viewpoints is a skill. So keep on practicing!

[delicatefade26]

ohh wow ((WePow)) thank you so much for this response...this is exactly it-I completely understand at the mental level that he can manage his schedule that he is a grown man who makes his own decisions and all that...but the little girl inside of me is terrified that he will not be there for me like I need him to be...I've tried running away from him a couple of times now (and we have only been doing sessions since June!! I also am afraid he will get annoyed with me and even though he promised he isn't leaving me-I'm afraid he secretly wants me to go away b/c I'm annoying. I feel embarrassed about the hug thing-but I'm glad I was honest with him-and I'm eager to work through some of these things with him next session. We are working very hard on my ability to hold the "both/and" concepts-I tend to do all or nothing and black & white...he does this motion of putting his hands together...so I'm hanging in there! thanks again WePow

[Daonnachd]

Delicate, you have put voice to my own thoughts so well. As I read your last comments here, I considered copying them to share with my therapist. I have actually asked her to not touch me since it stimulated so much a rush in me I felt uncomfortable. (I am a married man.)

JBMomG, no, never called myself Zooropa. I'm less a U2 fan now and have even tried to drop the zoorpoa location. I'll leave vertigo though since it describes how I feel emotionally far too often.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by zbmom

As for the hug, maybe he was just surprised that you wanted to hug for so long after the session was kind of rocky? He probably wasn't criticizing you, probably just commenting on it because it was unusual.

You underestimate the power of paranoia.

You say, "I notice you've got brown eyes"
I reply, "What's wrong with my eyes? Why do you hate me?"

There's no such thing as a neutral comment.