Inner child?

stopdog · Oct 15, 2011, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

You all might want to read Running From Safety, by Richard Bach, the guy who wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull? It's a discussion with his inner child and, stopdog, his inner child was pissed off at his attitude and came after him with a submachine gun

http://www.amazon.com/Running-Safety.../dp/0385315287

I will look into it. I suppose if that happened with mine and it got rid of me first- then at least I would be out of the relationship with it.

Oct 15, 2011, 01:03 PM

My inner child died and I'm ok with that.

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

When the t tried to describe "her" to me, all I could think was if it won't grow up, tell me how to kill it.

Yes I too would like to annihilate "her" - she is a nuscience, that just holds me back from doing and being - I hate her.

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

You all might want to read Running From Safety, by Richard Bach, the guy who wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull? It's a discussion with his inner child and, stopdog, his inner child was pissed off at his attitude and came after him with a submachine gun

http://www.amazon.com/Running-Safety.../dp/0385315287

Maybe should have read this post before agreeing with stopdog - hope mine doesn't come after me

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

My inner child died and I'm ok with that.

Oh wow - I'm not sure how to respond to that - you say you are OK with it, but it kinda sounds sad - there's me wanting to kill mine, but that has made me think.

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Working with my inner child and getting facts from corresponding with my father's sister, my aunt about what I didn't "know", eventually I got better connected to myself, got a single, smooth, timeline. I'm more "whole" now.

Thank you for sharing this - it has really helped me understand more about the child bit - how sad for such a young child to lose their mum, but I am glad you feel more whole now, thanks perna - Soup

skysblue · Oct 15, 2011, 02:45 PM

"In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times. Every time we're in touch with the experience of suffering, we believe we can't beat it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down in our unconscious mind. It may be that we haven't dared to face this child for many decades.

"But just because we may have ignore the child doesn't mean she or he isn't there. The wounded child is always there, trying to get our attention. The child says, 'I'm here. I'm here. You can't avoid me You can't run away from me.'

"We want to end our suffering by sending the child to a deep place inside, and staying as far away as possible. But running away doesn't end our suffering; it only prolongs it.

"The wounded child asks for care and love, but we do the opposite. We run away because we're afraid of suffering. The block of pain and sorrow in us feels overwhelming. Even if we have time, we don't come home to ourselves. We try to keep ourselves constantly entertained - watching TV or movies, socializing, or using alcohol or drugs - because we don't want to experience that suffering all over again.

"The wounded child is there and we don't even know she is there. The wounded child is a reality, but we can't see her. That inability to see is a kind of ignorance. This child has been severely wounded. She or he really needs us to return. Instead, we turn away.

"Ignorance is in each cell of our body and our consciousness. It's like a drop of ink diffused in a glass of water. That ignorance stops us from seeing reality; it pushes us to do foolish things that make us suffer even more, and that wound again the already wounded child in us.

"But just as the suffering is present in every cell of our body, so are the seeds of awakened understanding and happiness...

"When we become aware that we've forgotten the wounded child in ourselves, we feel great compassion for that child.."

And so begins the book "Reconciliation. Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Nhat Hanh

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysblue

"When we become aware that we've forgotten the wounded child in ourselves, we feel great compassion for that child.."

And so begins the book "Reconciliation. Healing the Inner Child" by Thich Nhat Hanh

Thanks for this - I have read other stuff by TNH so will try to get hold of this one too.

I guess I have a naturally logical mind (did statistics at Uni) so it is hard for me to get my head around this stuff - a child? where? can't literally fit in my brain, so what exactly is it? Is there a place in my brain where it is?

I also struggle to grasp how my "body" knows about emotions - I see myself solely as a brain processing mechanism....aha but here is part of my problem I tell myself - maybe there is another reality, that cannot be seen / measured / quantified, yet still exists - I keep trying to "get it" and thanks to these posts, I have some ideas to help me discover this new way of being.

amandalouise · Oct 15, 2011, 04:34 PM

From soupdragons post at the beginning of this thread -

I read that people talk about their inner child and I just wondered how people know there is one in there and how it feels to know it is there? For example is it something separate from you? Does it talk to you? Does it come and go? How are you aware of it? How did you discover it? And how do you work with it with T?

Thanks - Soup

-----

Soupdragon I know you visit the dissociative disorders board so Im wondering if the inner child idea is confusing to you because of all the talk about alters in the dissociative disorders board.

Alternate personalities and having inner children are different. At least thats the belief here where I live and work.

the belief here is that alternate personalities are parts of one self ie ones abilities, memories, emotions which ever is affected during great and extreme trauma that the host cannot deal with during those trauma times. those parts of self are mentally split off and walled off in what ever ways that will enable the host to survive. some peoples splits and walls take the form of playgrounds, mythical places, houses, rooms. The host separates these parts of self enough those parts of self take on a life of their own, sharing the same body but having their own ways to live and do things and how they think.

a host can know their alters are there by many ways - diagnostic testing, someone tells them, or they may have co consciousness so they can here the alters voices and with some they can know what some of the alters are doing.

Alternate personalities do not die, go away or forced away. when its time they integrate - merge with the host and become one with the host working together as one.

here the belief with the mental health community here is that the inner child is a mind set. kind of like when you feel sadness you are in a depressed state of mind. when you are happy it is said you are in a joyful state of mind.

well the inner child state of mind is when someone feels like a child.. it may be watching your child on the playground brings to your mind the feelings you had when you were a child playing on a playground. it can be hearing someone yell about things makes you feel like that child again getting reprimanded for wrong doing by a parent.. anything that makes you feel like you are a child is said to be you being in touch with your inner child.

for some people they cant break free of this feeling like a child at the inappropriate times so they need to have therapy where they can revisit those childhood times that are interfering with your adult life.

doing this is called working on your inner child, therapy for inner child work and other names for this kinds of therapy.

how do people know when they have or are feeling their inner child - by paying attention to how they feel. to put it simply if you feeling like you did when you were a child thats your inner child.

unlike alternate personalities inner children can be killed off, forced to go away or what ever the person needs to happen that will enable them to get on with their life and not let those childhood memories, emotions get in the way.

how do they die or go away. its just a matter of wanting it to happen. its like knowing when is the right to allow yourself to cry or not, laugh or not. you just make a decision that your childhood problems are not going to interfere anymore and then follow it through by reminding yourself you are an adult now you dont need to act or have child reactions anymore. with enough practice and determination it makes it so.

some people mentally "kill" off their inner children in order to go on with their adult life, others may need to shut that inner child in a mental room somewhere, I even had a client who buried their inner child in order to be able to go on with their adult life without having to have problems with their childhood emotions getting in the way.

can you talk to your inner child sure you can thats part of what therapy for inner children and inner child work is. its real easy to do. the next time you find you are feeling like you did when you were a child just sit down and say what ever it is that you would have wanted someone else to say to you when you were a child feeling like this..

example one time after all my alters were integrated I was having a really rough day and just wanted to run away from it all. I sat down and thought about what I would have wanted my parents to say to me when I was a child running away from my problems...

Come here amanda. sit here with me, let me hold you for a moment, problems only get bigger if you run from them but they get smaller and go away if you do something about them, whats the problem let me help you..

use your imagination say anything that will comfort you and that childhood feeling you are having.

yes the inner child feeling comes and goes. its like if you ride a bike today you will always remember riding the bike so sometimes you will feel like you did today when you ride your bike.

because you remember your childhood there will always be things that remind you of when you were a child and how you felt then.

how did my therapist do inner child work with me.. she had me close my eyes and picture myself as a child and had me tell that image of me as a child things I needed to hear when I was that child.

scorpiosis37 · Oct 15, 2011, 04:53 PM

I have a very hard time understanding the idea of having an inner child who is separate from one's adult self, outside of instances of DID. I can certainly relate to the experience of having lingering, "childish" needs and desires-- however, for myself, I don't view that as having a distinct and separate "inner child." For instance, I didn't get held or comforted or taken care of as a child and I still have deficits from that. As an adult, I still have a strong desire for affection and a desire to be taken care of. However, it is not a separate "her" who has these desires; it is "me." So, the way I view it (and the way my T views it) is that I am an adult who craves more affection in my relationships and I should work on becoming comfortable asking the people in my life for that affection. In my case (and I'm only talking about my case), it would seem regressive or counterproductive to start referring to that part of myself separately, calling it "her," and talking about "her needs." It seems more helpful to talk about my needs and come up with realistic ways of getting my needs met within the structure of my adult life. I don't think splitting my identity into parts and addressing those parts individually would be helpful for me. I feel like my identity is already integrated and singular-- so why undo that? In my case, if my T said I had an inner child and started asking me about "her"-- how old is she, what does she want, what happened to her-- to come up with answers to those questions would feel fake. Since I don't feel like I have an inner child, I would be making things up if i were to answer those questions. It would feel like, by attributing my desires to "her," I wouldn't have to take responsibility for them-- by putting them on "her," I could distance them from myself-- like I could blame "her" for them if I felt embarrassed by them. Or I could use "her" to justify engaging in childlike behaviors that were not appropriate for an adult. While sometimes I might feel I want to do that because it would make me more entitled to childlike feelings or behaviors-- I don't think that would serve me well because I'm an adult, and it would be better for me to focus on how to get my needs met as an adult. Of course, I am only citing what works for me. I am by no means saying that inner child work isn't a helpful therapeutic approach for others. From reading others' threads, it's clear that it IS helpful for a lot of people. I'm only saying that, for me, it's hard to understand. I'm also genuinely curious, for those who do inner child work in therapy, how does doing that work help with getting your needs met? How does it help improve RL relationships? How does it help curb ineffective behaviors? Is there a goal of re-integrating the self later on?

venusss · Oct 15, 2011, 05:01 PM

I get what are you saying, scorpiosis.

I mean, if I with my problems with relationships as it is, brought some CHILD into my love life. Ewwwww. Creepy! I mean... it would probably throw me out of loop... even if the causes are in my childhood.

Quote:

While sometimes I might feel I want to do that because it would make me more entitled to childlike feelings or behaviors-- I don't think that would serve me well because I'm an adult, and it would be better for me to focus on how to get my needs met as an adult.

I mean, that is certainly a risk here... and it can become countraproductive, imho. I just think it is overrated concept that enables immaturity.

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amandalouise

From soupdragons post at the beginning of this thread -

I read that people talk about their inner child and I just wondered how people know there is one in there and how it feels to know it is there? For example is it something separate from you? Does it talk to you? Does it come and go? How are you aware of it? How did you discover it? And how do you work with it with T?

Thanks - Soup

-----

Soupdragon I know you visit the dissociative disorders board so Im wondering if the inner child idea is confusing to you because of all the talk about alters in the dissociative disorders board.

Alternate personalities and having inner children are different. At least thats the belief here where I live and work.

the belief here is that alternate personalities are parts of one self ie ones abilities, memories, emotions which ever is affected during great and extreme trauma that the host cannot deal with during those trauma times. those parts of self are mentally split off and walled off in what ever ways that will enable the host to survive. some peoples splits and walls take the form of playgrounds, mythical places, houses, rooms. The host separates these parts of self enough those parts of self take on a life of their own, sharing the same body but having their own ways to live and do things and how they think.

a host can know their alters are there by many ways - diagnostic testing, someone tells them, or they may have co consciousness so they can here the alters voices and with some they can know what some of the alters are doing.

Alternate personalities do not die, go away or forced away. when its time they integrate - merge with the host and become one with the host working together as one.

here the belief with the mental health community here is that the inner child is a mind set. kind of like when you feel sadness you are in a depressed state of mind. when you are happy it is said you are in a joyful state of mind.

well the inner child state of mind is when someone feels like a child.. it may be watching your child on the playground brings to your mind the feelings you had when you were a child playing on a playground. it can be hearing someone yell about things makes you feel like that child again getting reprimanded for wrong doing by a parent.. anything that makes you feel like you are a child is said to be you being in touch with your inner child.

for some people they cant break free of this feeling like a child at the inappropriate times so they need to have therapy where they can revisit those childhood times that are interfering with your adult life.

doing this is called working on your inner child, therapy for inner child work and other names for this kinds of therapy.

how do people know when they have or are feeling their inner child - by paying attention to how they feel. to put it simply if you feeling like you did when you were a child thats your inner child.

unlike alternate personalities inner children can be killed off, forced to go away or what ever the person needs to happen that will enable them to get on with their life and not let those childhood memories, emotions get in the way.

how do they die or go away. its just a matter of wanting it to happen. its like knowing when is the right to allow yourself to cry or not, laugh or not. you just make a decision that your childhood problems are not going to interfere anymore and then follow it through by reminding yourself you are an adult now you dont need to act or have child reactions anymore. with enough practice and determination it makes it so.

some people mentally "kill" off their inner children in order to go on with their adult life, others may need to shut that inner child in a mental room somewhere, I even had a client who buried their inner child in order to be able to go on with their adult life without having to have problems with their childhood emotions getting in the way.

can you talk to your inner child sure you can thats part of what therapy for inner children and inner child work is. its real easy to do. the next time you find you are feeling like you did when you were a child just sit down and say what ever it is that you would have wanted someone else to say to you when you were a child feeling like this..

example one time after all my alters were integrated I was having a really rough day and just wanted to run away from it all. I sat down and thought about what I would have wanted my parents to say to me when I was a child running away from my problems...

Come here amanda. sit here with me, let me hold you for a moment, problems only get bigger if you run from them but they get smaller and go away if you do something about them, whats the problem let me help you..

use your imagination say anything that will comfort you and that childhood feeling you are having.

yes the inner child feeling comes and goes. its like if you ride a bike today you will always remember riding the bike so sometimes you will feel like you did today when you ride your bike.

because you remember your childhood there will always be things that remind you of when you were a child and how you felt then.

how did my therapist do inner child work with me.. she had me close my eyes and picture myself as a child and had me tell that image of me as a child things I needed to hear when I was that child.

Thank-you so much for this - it may take me a few reads to digest it properly, but I think it has improved my understanding. Yes I do visit the DiD forum, I know I "disconnect" and have symptoms relating to this, but I am sure I don't have alters, just depersonalisation/derealisation.

Thanks for explaining how it works with T - I find the prospect of T talking from a younger place really frightening - I may be able to talk about it, but not from it.

SoupDragon · Oct 15, 2011, 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I have a very hard time understanding the idea of having an inner child who is separate from one's adult self, outside of instances of DID. I can certainly relate to the experience of having lingering, "childish" needs and desires-- however, for myself, I don't view that as having a distinct and separate "inner child." For instance, I didn't get held or comforted or taken care of as a child and I still have deficits from that. As an adult, I still have a strong desire for affection and a desire to be taken care of. However, it is not a separate "her" who has these desires; it is "me." So, the way I view it (and the way my T views it) is that I am an adult who craves more affection in my relationships and I should work on becoming comfortable asking the people in my life for that affection. In my case (and I'm only talking about my case), it would seem regressive or counterproductive to start referring to that part of myself separately, calling it "her," and talking about "her needs." It seems more helpful to talk about my needs and come up with realistic ways of getting my needs met within the structure of my adult life. I don't think splitting my identity into parts and addressing those parts individually would be helpful for me. I feel like my identity is already integrated and singular-- so why undo that? In my case, if my T said I had an inner child and started asking me about "her"-- how old is she, what does she want, what happened to her-- to come up with answers to those questions would feel fake. Since I don't feel like I have an inner child, I would be making things up if i were to answer those questions. It would feel like, by attributing my desires to "her," I wouldn't have to take responsibility for them-- by putting them on "her," I could distance them from myself-- like I could blame "her" for them if I felt embarrassed by them. Or I could use "her" to justify engaging in childlike behaviors that were not appropriate for an adult. While sometimes I might feel I want to do that because it would make me more entitled to childlike feelings or behaviors-- I don't think that would serve me well because I'm an adult, and it would be better for me to focus on how to get my needs met as an adult. Of course, I am only citing what works for me. I am by no means saying that inner child work isn't a helpful therapeutic approach for others. From reading others' threads, it's clear that it IS helpful for a lot of people. I'm only saying that, for me, it's hard to understand. I'm also genuinely curious, for those who do inner child work in therapy, how does doing that work help with getting your needs met? How does it help improve RL relationships? How does it help curb ineffective behaviors? Is there a goal of re-integrating the self later on?

Thank-you scorpiosis, it is good to get a different perspective of how to work with childhood stuff, it feels so unsafe for me to take on a different part of my life as a child and this would feel less scarey for me.

PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Oct 15, 2011, 09:29 PM

My inner child was taken when I was 4... She's been gone since... I don't know what it's like to be a child... Don't think I ever did... I hope she's still in there somewhere... Wish I could give her a hug... Only in the last couple years have I started to realize that there must be a child in there somewhere that needs a hug... But I haven't been able to find her. She must be hiding behind the scars...

beautiful.mess · Oct 15, 2011, 09:59 PM

To me, my inner child is EXACTLY like what amandalouise said,

Quote:

how do people know when they have or are feeling their inner child - by paying attention to how they feel. to put it simply if you feeling like you did when you were a child thats your inner child.

Some examples that come to mind:

Like when I went to Disney World for the first time in my life just a few years ago.....I literally felt like a child while I was there (the only time I wasn't embarrassed by it btw).

Like when I see my parents, who never let me mature and grow up in a healthy way.....I literally feel like a child in their presence.

Like when I'm feeling sad or scared......I literally feel like a child inside. An adult on the outside, but a child on the inside and I don't know how to experience those feelings in a mature way (this is where therapy comes in for me).

lastyearisblank · Oct 15, 2011, 10:05 PM

I think there are some benefits to acknowledging that there is a blurry boundary between being a child and an adult. What is awesome about children is that they can have very simple faults like being greedy or aggressive, sometimes jealous, possessive. They know what they want, food, love, attention. But unlike adults, they have not learned to cover that up with hypocricy or feel ashamed of it.. They are not that good at cheating, and have little to no self delusion, and they have those little bobbly heads, which is awesome. I think the average child is more endearing than the average adult, actually. So yes, I think it is sometimes kinder to look for the inner child in yourself and other people. It's too easy to get frustrated with adults!

beautiful.mess · Oct 15, 2011, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I think there are some benefits to acknowledging that there is a blurry boundary between being a child and an adult. What is awesome about children is that they can have very simple faults like being greedy or aggressive, sometimes jealous, possessive. They know what they want, food, love, attention. But unlike adults, they have not learned to cover that up with hypocricy or feel ashamed of it.. They are not that good at cheating, and have little to no self delusion, and they have those little bobbly heads, which is awesome. I think the average child is more endearing than the average adult, actually. So yes, I think it is sometimes kinder to look for the inner child in yourself and other people. It's too easy to get frustrated with adults!

This is the best thing I think I've read all night.

lastyearisblank · Oct 15, 2011, 10:20 PM

Hehe! But it's true!

Love that...

delicatefade26 · Oct 15, 2011, 10:38 PM

I'm glad you brought this topic up! I've been wanting to explore this type of work more and see what other people's experiences have been...I want to describe what this type of work has looked like for me in therapy but I have a hard time articulating some things-but I will give it a shot:
When I started therapy about 5 months ago-T and I first just started exploring my past, some of the trauma, environment, unmet needs, loses...and looking at how I am stuck now in my responses (emotionally/behaviorally), mostly in times of distress or when I fear abandonment or feel overwhelmed-and how "she" is 10 years old. It started off as writing her a letter-I was the one who thought of this-I wanted to tell her things she needs to hear. I think it was too soon, because after I wrote it and read it one session I ripped it up. I still feel very scared and vulnerable when we talk about her in session, she has shown up (I feel completely different-and it starts off with a little laugh that I know she is very present) but I feel so protective of her that I don't want T talking to her...but I'm working on talking to her-telling her she is okay-not a bad girl, that it's okay to want things, to need things-and to not hurt herself and that we need this now because it's hurting our life now, I am terrified of intimacy and it comes from her-so we are simultaneously working together I guess? I don't know this all seems so confusing now...but T will talk about "her" and how we look at him, where our feelings or actions are coming from, me or her...it's helping me not get mad at myself (why would I hurt a 10 year old for wanting a hug or needing to talk to someone?!)
I recently did homework for my T-about how we can get through the times when we need or want something-without getting mad..and realizing its okay-I did one for me and one for her...I found an awesome poem for me and she colored...I shared mine-she did not...gosh-okay...that's enough for now...this is starting to bring up stuff-and I won't get to see T this week...

stopdog · Oct 15, 2011, 10:46 PM

I wonder how old are these inner children - does it vary inside you from time to time? Like sometimes it is 2 or 3 and sometimes 9 or 10? Or is it constant?

beautiful.mess · Oct 15, 2011, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I wonder how old are these inner children - does it vary inside you from time to time? Like sometimes it is 2 or 3 and sometimes 9 or 10? Or is it constant?

For me, it seems like it's consistently between 8-12 years old.

delicatefade26 · Oct 15, 2011, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I wonder how old are these inner children - does it vary inside you from time to time? Like sometimes it is 2 or 3 and sometimes 9 or 10? Or is it constant?

You know what's weird...I have my 10 year old girl who is who we are working on now...but occasionally a 16 year old will be there (more when we are talking about intimacy...10 year old doesn't think about that)

I haven't talked with T about the 16 year old...maybe one day the 10 year old will let her have some time with T

I would LOVE to know if others sometimes vary?

amandalouise · Oct 15, 2011, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I wonder how old are these inner children - does it vary inside you from time to time? Like sometimes it is 2 or 3 and sometimes 9 or 10? Or is it constant?

inner children are how ever old you feel. if you are feeling like a two yr old in the terrible twos throw a temper tantrum then your inner child is two. if you are feeling like you did when you were 16 and thought you knew everything then your inner child is 16. if you are feeling that sore throat and it reminds you of the time you were 10 and had your tonsils taken out then your inner child is 10.

there is no age requirement to the inner child. theres a saying around here - you're only as old as you feel or as young as you feel.

beautiful.mess · Oct 15, 2011, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

You know what's weird...I have my 10 year old girl who is who we are working on now...but occasionally a 16 year old will be there (more when we are talking about intimacy...10 year old doesn't think about that)

I haven't talked with T about the 16 year old...maybe one day the 10 year old will let her have some time with T

I would LOVE to know if others sometimes vary?

Once in a while the teenage part of me makes an appearance. But not usually. This is weird because a lot of the memories and conflict in my childhood was from when I was a teenager; but for some reason, I find myself thinking of and feeling the 8-12 yr old part of me more often. Hrrmmm....

SoupDragon · Oct 16, 2011, 03:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

My inner child was taken when I was 4... She's been gone since... I don't know what it's like to be a child... Don't think I ever did... I hope she's still in there somewhere... Wish I could give her a hug... Only in the last couple years have I started to realize that there must be a child in there somewhere that needs a hug... But I haven't been able to find her. She must be hiding behind the scars...

I am so sad for that child purpleflyingmonkeys - it just should not be that childhood is stolen / lost - hope oneday you are able to hug her, I guess until then the fact that she is hiding means she is safe

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