too much too fast...

O group,

I have plunged into the deep end of the T pool again, and some things arose in the session yesterday that are too scary for me to deal with.

I brought a photograph of my family with me included...T latched onto this photograph and has spent much of the last two sessions talking about the family dynamics that T thought were in evidence.

The "take" on things was correct, but it was just too much, too fast, to take in. I need a way to slow things down in session...I get really freaked out (but pretend I'm not) and then the night of the session is PURE HELL.

I could not stop crying and I'm talking most of the night. I'm at work now, and my eyes are swollen and I look like Quasimodo. I did not ask for all of this input so soon, and when T brought up, without me being prepared, the stuff about the photo, it was too much!! Stuff about how my frightening my father appeared (true) and how scared my brother looked (also true). It brought back enough memories that I was afraid that I would just completely fall apart mentally. I did not (I suppose that's wonderful in its own right). I wanted to call T this morning, but felt afraid to do so....another dose? I simply could not absorb it all....but I don't know how to say, BACK OFF! I just go numb, somehow get through the session and fall apart.

This is the reason that I feel that therapy may actually be too hard for me, and may be making me worse. How can I help keep the pace manageable?

((((((((((( mcl )))))))))) please share with yr T how hard it is for you to go at this pace (a pace that is not yours; no other will work). All Ts know that rushing it is likely to cause the client to flee, and not return, and yours should be very attentive to this kind of input.

Maybe you could agree on a hand signal that means "stop" or "slow down". When I am home again I've often thought of making that kind of agreement with my T, but when I am in that room, never think to do it; thanks for the reminder.

Hope you are able to get to a peaceful place very soon.

Funny thing is...I did agree to have a hand signal and was so freaked out that I could not do it. I totally shut down or got into a sort of numb debate and that did not serve me well. I felt completely numb by the session's end. I am really dreading getting through another night like this. Thank you so much for your kindness.

I really hope that you can tell your T this.

{{{{{{{lots o' safe hugs}}}}}}}

Sorry mcl

I hear you about feeling numb - it happens to me and it's like I'm just paralyzed. But I think it's really important that your T know that it's too fast for you. She's there to help, and she would want to know that this is too much for you this soon. Therapy IS NOT too hard for you!!! It's the way it's being done.

I hope you can find the strength to tell her. If it was me, I would probably write down what I wanted to say, and if I couldn't do it once I got in session, I would hand the paper to her. Believe me, I've had to do this more than once. I feel foolish, but at least I get it out there and T is aware of it.

Don't have any other advice, but I'm sorry this happened.

If it were me, i would call my therapist and let him know that a lot of stuff has come up and you need some help sitting with it.

I've definitely discovered that we need not suffer through this alone. Reaching out and into the therapy can really help.

Perhaps you can go in for a shorter session?

I hope you and your therapist can work to slow things down for you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

(((((I'm sorry))))))

Maybe you can tell your T this is too much right now & she can slow it down....

I may be completely off the mark, but I don't think the issue is so much about the pace, but about being triggered to a place of overwhelming emotions and memories. I think you need the skills to work with these emotions and memories to bring them to a place where they are useful, rather than disruptive, to you and your life.

I also want to say congratulations because you have definitely moved away from a cold, distant T who didn't give you any input and thus you avoided dealing with being triggered by a real human being who is giving you something, albeit in too direct a dose for right now. Sometimes there is just no way (IME) to approach a really painful or traumatic subject without getting all triggery. The trick is knowing what to do with the memories and feelings that arise afterwards.

Obviously, you need to talk to your T about your reaction and I know you can do that and it will definitely help. Until then, however, I suspect that you have already used a "method" in the past for coping with memories and the feelings that come with them. For me, I sort of conceptualize this process as finding a container for them, so they are not spilling out over me and into my life. Like putting them in a box on a shelf, being aware that I am doing this, and agreeing to take the box down and deal with what's inside at a later time, like next therapy session.

But in order to put them away, I first have to find a space between the overwhelming feelings and my "regular' self. Sometimes this is just a tiny crack where I can imagine separating myself ever so much more slightly. The most helpful thing to me is to ask myself, what are these memories (with their emotions) trying to teach me?

Here's what I felt when I brought a photo in to my T, like 15 years ago. I think he might have said almost exactly what your T said, Dad looks scary and older brother and I looked scared. Bingo, into triggerland. Why? Because if someone could look at a photo 20 years later and see so obviously that this is what's wrong with our family, why didn't anyone notice while it was happening? If it's so bleeping obvious, why couldn't someone have intervened and stopping it (him) way back when?

I was working with someone yesterday who grew up in a not so great home, and the one bright spot in her family was the aunt from NYC who used to visit once/year. She would leave notes in her aunt's suitcase before she packed up to go back home, asking her aunt to take her with her. Her aunt of course never did take her away and she also never said anything to my client, like hey, got your note, what's going on? I had a favorite childless aunt and uncle who would visit us and I always said, I want to come live with you. I actually was able to visit them once when I was 10ish, and it was heaven. I remember telling them that I wanted to stay, but my parents wouldn't allow me to visit them after that, although they came to visit us again. Understanding these memories and their place in my adult life was partly about acknowledging that as a kid, I didn't have a lot of tools at my disposal to try to ask for the help that I obviously needed. I reached out in ways that I could, they obviously didn't work, and I learned something more about how much it s*cked to not be heard (and rescued).

All this is to say that when I try to understand the meaning of the memories that are pounding down on me, it tends to release their grip on me. That even the littlest bit of understanding can crack open that space between me and "it", and give me the ability to put it away.

For me, although I haven't to any substantial degree really "mastered" the process of dealing with being triggered, the practice of coping with memories and their attendant emotions has given me a sense that it's quite survivable. I really get now that dealing with memories, no matter how painful, just doesn't come close to what it was like to actually have experienced the events themselves. I feel like if I managed to survive the actual experience that led to the memories, when I was a kid in such a crappy situation with no resources or support, then surely I can get through the processing of these memories now. I have the support of a T, support from my (chosen) family and friends, a safe place to live, etc. etc. And to work through these memories is to reclaim that piece of my life for myself, it now belongs to me, that box, to do with and work on as I like. Now I know that when I get triggered, when I'm in that overwhelmed space of emotion and forceful remembering, that I can get past it.

All of the T's that I have worked with have been able to give me skills to help myself out of this place. It wasn't until this third round of therapy recently that I actually got triggered in therapy itself. This has been a really useful experience for me. First, my T has recognized each and every time that it's happening, and he always asks me, "are you okay?" I think I am just about ready, six months later, to tell him what a dumb @ss question this is. Because I always say yes, and I don't think there is any other way to answer that question but yes. Of course I'm "ok" and I realize that whatever it is, it's not going to kill me. I think one time I was able to tell him that I was someplace else and he asked me where and I told him. But most of the time I leave in that triggered space and do my work outside to cope. I usually tell him the next week what I was unable to tell in the moment, and I think that has given him some clues about recognizing that state. A couple of weeks ago, I headed off to triggerland and I was able to tell him that I needed to focus on something else, and he got me headed in the other direction. But then I went back the next week and said, I don't want to avoid it and don't let me do that.

All this rambling in the previous paragraph was just to say that I think it's difficult, at least for me, to tell my T when I am triggered, and that's when he at least recognizes that it's happening. More accurately, it's difficult for me to deal with my triggering in T; it's actually easier for me to cope with it by myself. Which is kind of like my biggest problem (not asking for help) and my greatest strength (self sufficiency, working out problems myself) all wrapped into one. But what I hear myself saying in response to your story about being triggered and not being able to tell your T is . . . but of course. That's really hard to do. The next best thing is to tell her the next time, and see where that leads.

But in the meantime-- I don't have a sense about whether you have been in this place before-- being triggered, and what tools you've used in the past to reorient and reconnect with your solid, stable, core-- which I do sense that you have. I think you may very well know how to get yourself out of this place and while you may need to tell your T to slow the pace or otherwise back off what she is giving you in therapy (especially because you're not used to getting feedback and she's definitely not cold and distant T), I just think that it is ultimately more useful to have a methodology for moving away from being triggered rather than to prevent it from happening (avoid it) in the first place.

Anne

As before, I'm humbled, honored, amazed at your responses.

Whew!

This has been a tough couple of days....

Anne, your comments hit so many chords for me. I agree that I don't want to back off completely, and I am so happy to see that a lot of my coping strategies, both from "back when" and from now, ie ...deciding to "set things aside sometimes" and finding ways to get through the times outside therapy, and then using the time outside to re-orient myself so that I CAN go back, are all instinctive ways to get THROUGH and not just AROUND this thing.

I also agree that sometimes hearing someone else (T) say how scary things look can actually be triggering in and of itself. I think that it's both validating and also re-frightening somehow to hear T say...gosh, I'm really struck by how intense and frightening your father looks, and how terrified your brother looks in this picture. I did not think T would necessarily be able (ha!) to pick this up and comment on it. I think that on some level, my family's secrets seemed like secrets to me, in part because I was keeping them secret, but there they are...on film. It's kind of ironic. I don't think T is necessarily that intuitive (ha!) but could definitely pick it up. I mean, I was just too close to it all at the time. Great stuff to reflect on, Anne, in the tranquility of the moment. But when sitting there? Not so much.

I am hoping that I can continue to build a relationship with T that includes offering signals when things are just too overwhelming, making my needs clearer in the moment instead of shutting down or getting defensive, angry or going into "I don't need yer help, no way no how" mode..and I hope that I can keep finding ways to calm myself after the fact.

Those are some of the things I'm wishing for. I'm starting to learn what works! Great joy in finding these strategies...healthy things like a hot soak, a walk with my remarkable dog, and since I live in a stunning place, walks in nature. Years ago, I woulda done drugs, found a numbskull partner, tried to solve other people's intractable problems (without their consent, mostly). So...progress...

anyway, I'm feeling better today, but Tuesday night was touch and go. Really scary and sad. I felt like I was staring into an abyss...and you know what? I was...but I didn't slip in, or if I did, only for a brief visit. Whew!

I hope to keep on,and with everyone's help, grow my way into the kind of wisdom that I get to read about every day in PC

Blessings,

MCL

Just wanted to say well done for taking the plunge with a new T and hope you 2 can find a pace that works. I can't tell T these things face to face or via phone - but do send occasional e-mails to convey stuff that I think is important.

I had a session last week where I couldn't talk about the triggery thing itself, but T was very skilled at helping me talk about what was getting in the way of talking about it. The sense of connection I felt with him after that, and the moment we shared walking down the hall after therapy together, was a beautiful thing. It actually is my goal to be able to talk about it with him, sitting there, deep in that triggery space. I think that will take the power of the isolation I felt during the abuse itself. I'm not sure if you're saying something different or not, but this is the way I feel.

"Years ago, I woulda done drugs, found a numbskull partner, tried to solve other people's intractable problems (without their consent, mostly). So...progress..."

Yes, indeed. Good progress. Replace "drugs" with "pint of Ben & Jerry's" and those were my coping strategies as well.

I'm glad you're feeling better. It does get better. It is tolerable and I think working through it does move you closer to a permanently better place.

Anne

Thanks again....each day is a bit easier (unless I have a setback, which may or may not include a LITTLE Ben and Jerry's!).