:(

Therapy today was so hard.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way there. I've had a few panic attacks this week (after not having any at all for a while), ever since I was triggered early in the week.

I was driving and I thought "it feels like my throat is closing up" and WHAM, panic attack started. I tried to be grounded, listen to the radio, breathe, etc...and I thought I was through it...but when I got to T's office I was still kind of on the edge of it. I told him, and tried to talk about something light (an upcoming trip for my son) just to get grounded and distract myself.

We talked some about how I was feeling...scared that if I talk about the scary triggery things I'll just explode, and scared that if I don't, the panic attacks will keep coming.

T said something, very gently, about an e-mail I had sent earlier in the week after I was triggered. He told me he was going to talk about it and said he was going to be careful and that I could tell him to stop if it got to be to much.

So. He was talking and I was listening and things were okay and then he said ONE word and reality disappeared. I think I might have got up and ran towards the door and then come back to the couch I can remember T talking to me to help me get grounded...he said "stay here, stay here, stay here" but I don't know if he meant in the room or not getting lost in my head or what. I don't know how much time went by. It was seriously. awful. Like horrible, horrible, horrible.

I did get semi-grounded and I know I told him some of the story. I could hear my voice talking, really flat, but I actually have no idea what I said now. Which is kind of disconcerting, because it's THE STORY. Ugh.

I asked T to sit with me. I was cold and he covered me up with a blanket. I held his hand and tried to feel safe, but I didn't really...not because of T, but because I kept getting waves of body memories.

We talked about some spiritual stuff. I guess that was good. Although I only remember that we talked about the stuff, I don't remember many of the details.

T left me a message and something was wrong with his phone and it's completely indecipherable. COMPLETELY. I called and asked if he could leave it again, but I doubt he'll check his messages again today. So, I just have to sit in this place. Which is fine, I'll be okay, but I'm so USED to having the reassurance/closure/safety/connection from the messages and not knowing if/when he'll call back kind of sucks.

I don't know. I don't know if what I wrote even makes sense, but I just wanted to feel connected and heard/seen, so here I am.

I hate how hard this is. The waves of panic/body memories are almost unbearable. A friend of mine was sad about something recently, and he said to me, "well, feel it now or feel it later". I completely dissociated when the abuse was happening. I guess this is the "feel it later".

I hear you and I have been there many times and it is really difficult.

What helps me the most is the perspective that it was much worse to have lived through it than to remember lt. That makes it more bearable.

Anne

((((Treehouse))))

Panic attacks and dissociating can be terrifying--sorry you're having a hard time, I hope your T get backs to you... maybe you can let us know if he does?

I'm sad you had such a hard time, Treehouse.

I am sorry it hurts so much. Wish I could make it better.

((((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry it was so hard. Sounds like a really tough day and emotionally exhausting. I hope you can find something to do that will be refreshing and restful for you.

So sorry for your pain. I can feel it in your post. Just sending hugs your way ... so sorry.

((((Treehouse)))) that is tough and scary...praying for you-hope you find grounding and peace

I love you, treehouse. You will get through this. Just keep swimming, right?

I'm so glad you have a good, caring T.

just now seeing this. I'm sorry, Tree. I hope T calls you back soon!!!

(((((treehouse))))) I'm sorry it was so hard. Yuck, those body memories. I am glad your T was there with you and wrapped you in a blanket. I hope he calls again and you can get a new message on your phone.

And what was this weirdness?

I've been seeing T for FOUR years. I'm a musician, so we talk about music a lot. I remember once a couple of years ago I was telling him about websites where you can go to look up chords to songs to play on guitar, and he was really interested. I asked him if he knew someone who played guitar and he sort of shrugged it off.

Today I found out that my T plays guitar He said just a little. But still, how weird. I think he feels shy around it, because I know he thinks I'm some kind of musical supergenius (even though he's never heard me play. which is kind of sweet now that I'm thinking about it) and he seemed sheepish. But still, it was really really really really strange to find that out after 4 years of sitting there and talking about playing music.

Anyhow. I watched a movie with my two youngest sons and I'm knitting. The body memories are creepy and icky and keep washing over me. That's the worst part about therapy day. There is *literally* no way to make it stop. So. I sit here and knit and feel the yuck. Ugh.

Hang in there, tree. Keep posting if it helps. I'm so sorry you are feeling the ick. I know from your posts what a brave, strong person you are. You WILL get through this. Lots of love here for you.

Treehouse

I'm here, how are you doing now? Your T sounds lovely, when do you see him next? Keep coming back here and knitting, good to be occupied. I am going to start knitting for my daughter. Love the sense of achievement. Hang in there and take care.

Nelliecat

Tree, I am so sorry you are going through this. I really am. I know those body memories are very very yucky and dissociation is frightening. I wish I can help you take it all away. Can you right stuff down on a piece of paper then tear it to shreds. Maybe that will help alleviate some of the symptoms. I wish I had more than this comment to offer. We are here for you. Keep posting over and over again if you need to.

thinkin' of ya, treehouse. i had a session on thursday and stuff keeps comin' up for me too. i hate it. keep those needles clickin' - make sumpthin' purty. lot o' hugs to you.

Today was better. I haven't had a panic attack today, which is HUGE. I so don't understand therapy. The session felt SO horrible, and yesterday was pretty awful, but today is the best day I've had anxiety-wise and with body memories since I was triggered. So, maybe all of the yuck yesterday helped...or at least helped enough for me to get some breathing room, which I really needed.

T hasn't left a message yet. He goes out of town a lot on weekends, so I'm guessing that he's not even around/checking his messages. I know he'll leave one when he gets back. I hope it's tomorrow instead of Monday, but I'm grateful that I'm finally (FINALLY!) to the point where I feel safe and okay about it.

Thanks for letting me share this here. I don't know how I would have got through all of these years of therapy without PC, for REAL. I can't even imagine it.

Hey treehouse, I'm glad you're feeling a little better--thanks for the updates!