what I need

I sent this to T last night:

Zoo- That is an AWESOME list. It is well thought out and very easily understandable, and sounds like you have accepted your T's recommendation and respect what your T has to say ( even if you are struggling with it- which I totally get) I'm so proud of what you've done here- and I think your T will be too.

kare, thank you.

I hope my T is proud, or at least accepting and not angry. There is a very childlike part of me that is terrified of T's anger and starving for T's acceptance and approval.

Acceptance is what I'm working on right now. I can continue to be angry, hurt, and confused by therapy ending, or I can accept it as one of those things I cannot change, and instead work on changing my thoughts and feelings about it. Acceptance is the only way out of the pain I'm experiencing right now, because refusing to accept is just throwing myself up against the razor wire over and over.

I texted T last night and asked "do you hate me?"
she wrote back this morning and said: "Molly. No, I do not hate you. I care about you a great deal and I want to teach you the skills so you will have an easier time in life."

WOW what a list. This is terrific. Karebear said it all for me too.

I am so impressed. Not only do you know your needs but that you're able to express them so well. This should help your T better understand you. Again, I'm wowed.

Zoo, I am so PROUD of you, too! It's very succinct and gets right to the point!

Bravo Bravo!!

I love you, Zoo. You are a wonder.

Thats an amazing, well thought out list! Good for you!

I'm having a lot of doubts and fear about having sent that to T. I keep thinking she's going to look at it and say that is too many needs, too much self-centeredness. Or that she'll say I don't care what your needs are.

So thank you all for your positive responses, it is soothing.

I think it is awesome that you know what you need and are out to get it. Good for you Zoo!!

I. So. Get. This.

I've thought alot about your list today. Part of what I like about your post, isn't JUST the list but the control you have taken back in your own life. It does not come across as demanding, needy or self-centered. It comes across as confident, assured, and mature ( not to mention, very well thought out)!

When do you meet with your T again?

I have an appt with her on wed.

I'm in so much pain, and it feels like the same pain I've always had. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm handling this better then I have in the past. That shows progress, even if I can't feel the progress.

Zoo,
You stated that your worried that your T is going to say it is too self centered. But your T is supposed to be about YOU. It is not supposed to be about you supporting your T. Stating your needs in a calm, way like this is not inappropriate. Your T can now look at your needs and let you know which ones she will be able to meet. And then you can see if you can negotiate any that are left over. I think writing them out like this is an awesome way to let her know what you need.

I am so sorry for the pain. I can relate. I seem to run around and around in circles with it with little relief.

I wish and hope it will be better for you one day.

lostintermination, I was thinking about what you said about how I am taking back some of the control. I guess before this my only choice (in my mind, anyway) if I wanted to be in control was to quit. I could do things Ts way, or I could quit. This list is maybe me taking a look at the gray areas in between that black and white.

I think the idea of negotiating is a good one, because that is a word that T has been using, too. I was in too much pain, too much denial, resisting reality too much to negotiate the last time I saw her. I couldn't enter into that discussion with her because I was stuck in "But, but...it doesn't have to be this way!".

Ultimately, it does have to be this way if T says it has to be this way. So, yes, I could walk away, or I could enter into the conversation and attempt to get some more of my needs met so I can be stronger before we are really all the way done.

what you wrote is amazing, zooropa. I wish i was as clear about knowing what I need. I hope your therapist responds in a way that is helpful to you.

Zoo, you really are amazing!!! That is a W O N D E R F U L email!!!!!!
Bravo to you for asking for exactly what you NEED from your T!!!!!

you guys have done so much to help me feel better about my list of needs. Thank you so much.

rainbow_rose, I also hope my T responds positively to it, and when I read your post I realized that whether she does or not is on her. Her response is about her, it's not about me. And if she responds negatively, as much as that would hurt and upset me, now I have this list and you can bet that I will be showing it to any potential new Ts.

I learned something about myself by writing that list, and that lesson is mine regardless of what happens next.

I have another email that I've been drafting to T, and I'm going to share it here before I send it because it's much more raw and I think it may be somewhat passive aggressive. I'm not quite ready to share it yet, but I appreciate you all helping me sort this stuff out.

great list, zooropa. I went thru each item and measured my T against it - he got marked "showing improvement" on some, but he covers the basics. I think you're being very reasonable.

hankster, thanks for that. I wonder if anyone else would do a sort of mental checklist of their T against my list and give me some feedback? I really hope I'm not being unreasonable or demanding.

Wow. wow wow wow. Many of those points hit home. My t hasn't been as consistent or calm as I need or ask her to be. Part of me doesn't want her to explore her feelings with someone other than me but part of me knows we'd be better off if she did. Thanks for sharing this. I hope you know how it goes.