Today it just occurred to me I'm quite annoyed about my situation. You see here's what happened. Last march I had to terminate therapy because I ran out of money. I told the therapist I was seeing that I could no longer afford the therapy. In the penultimate session she started to hold back tears, she was going to miss me it seemed.

This really set me back at the time. I felt pretty bad for her, because being a man it was in my instinct to want to put my arms round her and calm her down. Thing is I couldn't do that as there no touching allowed. It played on my mind for the next couple of weeks that maybe I was quite callous in the way I went about terminating the therapy.

The last session I saw her I explained I would come back within 7-10 months, this was partly because I felt bad for abandoning her, I wonder how badly that affected her. The other reason was I still have other issues I need to discuss, and I can't get another therapist because I don't have the money and can only afford a limited amount of sessions, so don't have time to explain all my life over again.

Now round about May time was when I started obsessing about this woman. Romantic fantasies and wanting to make sure she was okay.

I'm annoyed though, because I think she handled it poorly getting upset in front of me like that. She's also caused me issues now where I feel I need to see her to she if she's okay. This is not me and I don't like it. I never obsess over anybody and I don't like being an emotional slave for someone to take money off of me.

She may not of done it on purpose but it's still manipulation as far as I'm concerned.

"Don't have time to explain my life all over again". That's the crux of therapy I'm afraid, explaining and explaining over and over again.

On the other issues. If this happened in march and you've survived up until this point, I'd say let sleeping dogs lie. Sounds as if your ruminating on the wrong issue.

[ECHOES]

Sounds like you began missing her, so understandable. Missing her very much and it turned into something else.

I don't think your therapist had any intention of doing anything at all except responding in the moment to hearing that you would not be able to continue therapy.
You aren't responsible for how she's feeling. She had a reaction to your ending therapy. Some people don't handle endings well, even therapists.

What might be helpful is for you to talk to another therapist about what happened with this therapist, if you are able to return to therapy soon.

[Perna]

Other people, even therapists, are not robots. She was going to miss you. That's life; you wouldn't "comfort" a boss if you quit for a better job with more money would you and they were going to miss you. I think you should find another therapist, maybe a male one, and discuss this issue, right away. It is "you" to obsess about this therapist in this way; you're doing it, it's not being done to you; you have some issue with leaving females or females leaving you or something. The other person can't "make" us feel anything; our feelings come 100% from our own experiences and perceptions. She may have had something in her eye, for all you know, that made her look like she was going to cry?

Originally Posted by earthmamma

"Don't have time to explain my life all over again". That's the crux of therapy I'm afraid, explaining and explaining over and over again.

What I mean is, I simply don't have the money to go to another therapist and explain everything over again up to the point I'm at now. I can afford a limited number of sessions. I'm not in therapy for the long haul as it's not an option for me. Besides the therapist I was seeing was pretty good.

On the other issues. If this happened in march and you've survived up until this point, I'd say let sleeping dogs lie. Sounds as if your ruminating on the wrong issue.

What should I be ruminating on then?

Originally Posted by Perna

Other people, even therapists, are not robots. She was going to miss you. That's life; you wouldn't "comfort" a boss if you quit for a better job with more money would you and they were going to miss you. I think you should find another therapist, maybe a male one, and discuss this issue, right away. It is "you" to obsess about this therapist in this way; you're doing it, it's not being done to you; you have some issue with leaving females or females leaving you or something. The other person can't "make" us feel anything; our feelings come 100% from our own experiences and perceptions. She may have had something in her eye, for all you know, that made her look like she was going to cry?

No she was definitely crying. Not bawling her eyes out, but tears came down her face and she was shaking. The boss scenario is different because people I come across as aloof. No I'd take the money and let the boss cry.

I can't do male therapists. Me and other men don't get along too good. Secondly there's no male therapists near me that are affordable for me at the present time.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by so80

What I mean is, I simply don't have the money to go to another therapist and explain everything over again up to the point I'm at now.

so80, I've had 2 therapists and what I found was that I did not need to start from scratch with the second therapist and explain everything. I just started where I was and worked on what needed working on. We didn't revisit everything from therapist 1. I think you can do therapy without telling your life story. The whole story isn't always necessary. I've been with my second therapist for several years now and he still doesn't know things about me, or even what all I worked on with the first therapist. I don't keep it from him, but there's no need to go into it all since we only have limited time together (about one meeting every 3 weeks).

[Perna]

Originally Posted by so80

I can't do male therapists. Me and other men don't get along too good.

And you and female therapists have a male-hug-woman-make-all-better problem that isn't too good either. Your female therapist isn't going die of missing you. I would find another therapist and/or save up and then see a male therapist a few times. Not getting along too good with other men is not something you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Okay, she was crying; her dog died and "left" her and your quitting therapy reminded her of it?

Originally Posted by sunrise

so80, I've had 2 therapists and what I found was that I did not need to start from scratch with the second therapist and explain everything. I just started where I was and worked on what needed working on. We didn't revisit everything from therapist 1. I think you can do therapy without telling your life story. The whole story isn't always necessary. I've been with my second therapist for several years now and he still doesn't know things about me, or even what all I worked on with the first therapist. I don't keep it from him, but there's no need to go into it all since we only have limited time together (about one meeting every 3 weeks).

I'm not the type of person he wants to go from therapist to therapist. I made up my mind a long time ago I will only ever see one therapist. If it doesn't work with them it doesn't work with any.

I appreciate you advice and everybody else's.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey ,

I can understand what has lead you to feel annoyed and I agree the therapist didn't handle it too well by getting overly upset, when it sounds like you were handling it ok.

I think you know deep down that your therapist is fine, you didn't do anything that would cause her harm and as a therapist she would be used to begining and ending with clients. It could just be that she 'wears her emotions on her sleeve' so to speak and was genuinely sad that you had to end therapy due to financial reasons.

I think returning to Therapy with this particular therapist for any other need, than yours alone, would be a mistake.

I hope you find a solution for yourself.
All the best

Originally Posted by Perna

And you and female therapists have a male-hug-woman-make-all-better problem that isn't too good either. Your female therapist isn't going die of missing you. I would find another therapist and/or save up and then see a male therapist a few times. Not getting along too good with other men is not something you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Okay, she was crying; her dog died and "left" her and your quitting therapy reminded her of it?

Well considering I have romantic feelings for her it's not just as simple as walking away. Yes logically I know it's ridiculous and stupid and irritating. Doesn't change the fact it's there.

I'm also curious what these transference feelings mean. Male therapist is not an option. I'd rather forget the whole thing then see a male therapist.

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey ,

I can understand what has lead you to feel annoyed and I agree the therapist didn't handle it too well by getting overly upset, when it sounds like you were handling it ok.

I think you know deep down that your therapist is fine, you didn't do anything that would cause her harm and as a therapist she would be used to begining and ending with clients. It could just be that she 'wears her emotions on her sleeve' so to speak and was genuinely sad that you had to end therapy due to financial reasons.

I think returning to Therapy with this particular therapist for any other need, than yours alone, would be a mistake.

I hope you find a solution for yourself.
All the best

The last session she was fine but that penultimate session plays on my mind. I do have other issues I want to see her about, but yes this one of the main ones if I'm honest.

[ECHOES]

I'm not the type of person he wants to go from therapist to therapist. I made up my mind a long time ago I will only ever see one therapist. If it doesn't work with them it doesn't work with any.

It can take more than one therapist. That's too bad that you've limited yourself. So then, you option is only to return to this therapist when you are able to.

[PennyPal]

Originally Posted by so80

I'm not the type of person he wants to go from therapist to therapist. I made up my mind a long time ago I will only ever see one therapist. If it doesn't work with them it doesn't work with any.

I appreciate you advice and everybody else's.

different therapists have different views and opinions and methods. if one doesn't work, maybe another can. it's like medication; they don't all do the same thing.

also, i agree with you. i think it was insanely unprofessional to cry about you terminating therapy. yes, therapists also have emotions, but seeing as it's a professional environment AND she is a therapist...well, that was wrong of her. i really do think you should look for someone else. female; male, it doesn't matter. what matters are their methods and ideas, and if they actually help you.

Originally Posted by PennyPal

different therapists have different views and opinions and methods. if one doesn't work, maybe another can. it's like medication; they don't all do the same thing.

also, i agree with you. i think it was insanely unprofessional to cry about you terminating therapy. yes, therapists also have emotions, but seeing as it's a professional environment AND she is a therapist...well, that was wrong of her. i really do think you should look for someone else. female; male, it doesn't matter. what matters are their methods and ideas, and if they actually help you.

She never actually said she was upset because I was terminating therapy. But here's what happened. I told her back in Feb that I had to quit because at the time the therapy was stagnating and money problems, and when I told her her eyes went red as if she was trying to hold back tears.

The session later in March I said I had to quit and she said she understood because she knew I had money troubles. But then she broke down but quickly pulled it back together. When I asked her she was upset about it, she said no there's something in my eye and then when I pushed about the subject she made up another excuse. But she was shaking and tears came down her face. I'm not stupid, I can tell when someone's trying to cover up crying and when someone's got something in their eye. Now for me this was terrible, because yeah it wasn't ideal but I felt bad for terminating therapy.

This was not good because I did tell her a few sessions before that I did have sexual fantasies about her, but I felt at the time I was dealing with them well and could still move on. Now I feel that I have to see her. I have to see she's okay even really she most likely has forgotten about me and doesn't give a ****. But I promised I'd come back. I'm worried if I don't come back I may have destroyed her psychologically.

I'm resentful as well. I'm nobodies sucker yet I really am a sucker right now. She is a nice a person, but her reaction makes me feel manipulated. So on one hand I want to make sure she's okay on the otherhand I'm angry that she's made me feel this way.

That's because this is typical nice guy behaviour and I'm anything but a nice guy.

[ECHOES]

She didn't make you feel this way. We feel what we feel. Your reaction is something to learn more about. Her reactions was what she was feeling at the moment.

I agree with ECHOES that she didn't make you feel this way. Do you really think you're being manipulated? Seems like she would have to be an awfully good actress to be making tears flow like that if it was only to manipulate you. It sounds to me like there are a lot of emotions going on that you could be examing in therapy.

That's because this is typical nice guy behaviour and I'm anything but a nice guy.

This, for instance. Why do you say that? Is this how you really want to be? Is there any room for improvement here?

If you promised you would come back, and are worried that you may have destroyed her psychologically, it sounds like you need to go back. One - to keep your word, and two - to reassure yourself that she is OK. Since you want to remain with one therapist only, my feeling is that you should go back and tell her how you've been feeling since you left. It just seems like there is "stuff" to work on here. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

This, for instance. Why do you say that? Is this how you really want to be? Is there any room for improvement here?

Because that's how I am. I never go all soppy for anybody. FFS I'm going back to therapy to make sure she's okay, yet it's supposed to be about me. It is pathetic and weak. I'm strong, I've always been emotionally dependent on myself. I feel anger towards her yet I could never hurt her. Damn her for making me feel so inferior. Yet I also wish her good luck. I say this to balance out karma.

If you promised you would come back, and are worried that you may have destroyed her psychologically, it sounds like you need to go back. One - to keep your word, and two - to reassure yourself that she is OK. Since you want to remain with one therapist only, my feeling is that you should go back and tell her how you've been feeling since you left. It just seems like there is "stuff" to work on here. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

Yeah I don't know. Thanks for your advice.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by so80

I never obsess over anybody and I don't like being an emotional slave for someone to take money off of me.

She may not of done it on purpose but it's still manipulation as far as I'm concerned.

I was very angry with you when I first read this, but I've calmed down a bit now.

I take it you have been manipulated by women in the past?

[mcl6136]

I would be thrilled if my therapist showed emotion when I was quitting.

I griped endlessly about my cold distant T...and you want one...?

It's always greener on the other side of the fence.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I was very angry with you when I first read this, but I've calmed down a bit now.

I take it you have been manipulated by women in the past?

No I've not been manipulated by women in the past.

I take back what I said anyway. At the time that's what I thought.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I would be thrilled if my therapist showed emotion when I was quitting.

I griped endlessly about my cold distant T...and you want one...?

It's always greener on the other side of the fence.

Where did I say I wanted a cold distant T?

Anyway this thread is old.

Can this thread be locked or deleted?