[learning1]

I'm confused about my therapist's usual desire for me not to plan ahead for what to talk about at sessions. He said I'm good at talking about something when I'm reporting on it. But I'm pretty sure he meant I'm not so good at being comfortable telling him what I'm feeling in the moment. The session before last I think we did better with that.

But at the most recent session, he asked me what I had thought about what we were talking about before. I couldn't think of anything to say. Not that I hadn't thought about it, but I hadn't come up with any coherent things to say. There was no way I could immediately remember the scattered thoughts I had and share them with him. It seemed as if I should have thought about what I wanted to say ahead of time so I could have answered his question. So part of what I'm asking is, do you think it's worthwhile to process your thoughts into something coherent to share before your session?

The other thing t suggested at the last session was communicating in a different way, like drawing or writing. I said I can't draw very well and I said no when he asked if I could write poems. Somehow we talked about me writing in my journal and he said he was interested to read it. I don't understand how reading my journal could be in-the-moment. It seems about as far exactly opposite as you can get. So why does he want to read it? We were talking about being bored and he made a big point of saying he would be interested (not bored) to read it. It seems so contradictory to what he usually wants.

[sunrise]

When I write in my journal, it is very personal and open, because I know no one but myself will ever read it. I think if a therapist wants to read a person's journal, it may mean they want to know more about your true feelings and thoughts without the barriers you may present to them in session. Personally, I would never share my journal with my therapist, as it is too private. But I am willing to share many personal and private things with my T face to face and in the moment.

Learning1, I think all your questions are great and wonder if you could ask them of your therapist? Because it does sound kind of contradictory, as you pointed out.

I have shared a poem I wrote with my T, and it went well. Poetry is deeply personal to me, so it was hard. I think also that sharing one's dreams with a therapist is another way to get around the self censoring that one may do during a session. Dreams show our unconscious--again, very open, although often times cryptic. When I share a dream in therapy, great sessions often ensue.

[SoupDragon]

Yes this does sound contradictory - but I assume your journal reflects the thoughts and feelings you had at that point in "now" - the time that you wrote them - maybe that makes them relevant in terms of the sort of language you use to communicate your thoughts and feelings, even if that is written to yourself.

I agree with sunrise though - these are your personal things and I would not feel obliged to show them if you felt too uncomfortable with that.

I stuggle in sessions and my T has suggested I bring my puppy with me to the next session - maybe he things she may help me stay in the now and be able to focus on my feelings more.

[Elli-Beth]

Bringing my journal in helps so much. I often struggle with words, and it's still "in the moment" because it expresses my true thoughts and feelings far better than I can verbally sometimes. Fear just stops them from coming out of my mouth, but once T know because he's read them, it feels a little safer to talk about them.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by learning1

There was no way I could immediately remember the scattered thoughts I had and share them with him. It seemed as if I should have thought about what I wanted to say ahead of time so I could have answered his question. So part of what I'm asking is, do you think it's worthwhile to process your thoughts into something coherent to share before your session?

Think about what you said here. Your last sentence is what your T is trying to get you out of, just more pre-thinking and no feeling.

How did you feel when your T asked you what you thought? You felt scattered, probably surprised, anxious?, maybe even a little angry that he'd ask you a question you weren't prepared for! That is the difference between thought and feeling, between being prepared (an intellectual activity) and being in the moment. You aren't supposed to "remember" thoughts, you check your heart and see what your thoughts are at the moment. If, at first, it just makes you so overwhelmingly anxious that you can't think, you draw a blank because you are surprised, you say that.

My T and I agreed I would stop saying, "I don't know". One does know, it just takes sitting with your heart and looking for what it answers. It's your life and circumstances and what is happening to you. . .now. So, you are literally the only one who does know.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes this does sound contradictory - but I assume your journal reflects the thoughts and feelings you had at that point in "now" - the time that you wrote them - maybe that makes them relevant in terms of the sort of language you use to communicate your thoughts and feelings, even if that is written to yourself.

I agree with sunrise though - these are your personal things and I would not feel obliged to show them if you felt too uncomfortable with that.

I stuggle in sessions and my T has suggested I bring my puppy with me to the next session - maybe he things she may help me stay in the now and be able to focus on my feelings more.

thanks SoupDragon. Wow, I'm so jealous you get to bring in your pet! I hope puppy helps. Animals are so ridiculously wonderful. I'm watching my cat get all excited about some leaves blowing around outside the window now. Anyway, thanks to you and Sunrise for the support in not showing him my journals if I don't want to. I sort of feel like I'm being uncooperative lately, but I'm not sure if there's anything I want to show him.

Originally Posted by Perna

Think about what you said here. Your last sentence is what your T is trying to get you out of, just more pre-thinking and no feeling.

How did you feel when your T asked you what you thought? You felt scattered, probably surprised, anxious?, maybe even a little angry that he'd ask you a question you weren't prepared for! That is the difference between thought and feeling, between being prepared (an intellectual activity) and being in the moment. You aren't supposed to "remember" thoughts, you check your heart and see what your thoughts are at the moment. If, at first, it just makes you so overwhelmingly anxious that you can't think, you draw a blank because you are surprised, you say that.

My T and I agreed I would stop saying, "I don't know". One does know, it just takes sitting with your heart and looking for what it answers. It's your life and circumstances and what is happening to you. . .now. So, you are literally the only one who does know.

thanks Perna. That's interesting. I remember my ex-bf saying "I don't know" a lot in therapy, like when t asked how he feels about something. I think it really was unusual to ex-bf to pay attention to his feelings and he didn't have a clue that he could do it. I wish he had kept going like you did so he could have gotten some help with that. Oh well.

You are right about saying that if I was less anxious I could just tell him whatever I was feeling and thinking at the time without planning ahead. I remember going through a few things quickly in my mind that I wasn't comfortable to tell him and then I came out with asking how long therapy will take. I was being Just a little defensive. bleh. But I still wonder if it can be helpful to think up a way that I could be comfortable sharing some of my ideas ahead of time. Otherwise I end up not sharing them at all. idk. I hope I end up talking to him about some of this stuff... but I guess I shouldn't plan ahead on that

Originally Posted by Elli-Beth

Bringing my journal in helps so much. I often struggle with words, and it's still "in the moment" because it expresses my true thoughts and feelings far better than I can verbally sometimes. Fear just stops them from coming out of my mouth, but once T know because he's read them, it feels a little safer to talk about them.

thanks Elli-Beth. I think it could help me that way too.

Originally Posted by sunrise

When I write in my journal, it is very personal and open, because I know no one but myself will ever read it. I think if a therapist wants to read a person's journal, it may mean they want to know more about your true feelings and thoughts without the barriers you may present to them in session. Personally, I would never share my journal with my therapist, as it is too private. But I am willing to share many personal and private things with my T face to face and in the moment.

Learning1, I think all your questions are great and wonder if you could ask them of your therapist? Because it does sound kind of contradictory, as you pointed out.

I have shared a poem I wrote with my T, and it went well. Poetry is deeply personal to me, so it was hard. I think also that sharing one's dreams with a therapist is another way to get around the self censoring that one may do during a session. Dreams show our unconscious--again, very open, although often times cryptic. When I share a dream in therapy, great sessions often ensue.

thank you Sunrise. Yes, I think sharing dreams would be like that too. I also think my journal is more personal than what I'll want to share much.

I'd like to ask him if he wants to read my journal, stuff i've processed ahead anyway, couldn't we slow down in session enough so I could process my thoughts while I'm there? He doesn't seem to want to do that. He is a lot more talkative than me, and I think it's good sometimes he helps me communicate in-the-moment more than quieter therapists can do. But sometimes it might help if he slows down.

Sigh. The chance of being able to communicate all that to him coherently in person without planning what to say ahead of time at all probably is not very good. but who knows. He's pretty smart about understanding semi-coherent things.

My T suggested that I journal during a particularly tough period for me. He had asked me what I found useful in therapy fifteen years ago, and I had mentioned journaling.

He didn't suggest that I give him my journal, and I might have felt differently if he had. My previous T always thanked me for giving it to him, but he never said anything about it. My current T always gives it to me at the next session (he reads it in between sessions, sometimes it is 20 pp. long). I used to ask him if he'd read it, but I don't anymore. It is rare that we have a session without him referring to it at least once. So I know that he reads it, and my overall sense is that giving him my journal helps him understand me.

I think there are lots of ways that T's can understand you and your experience. Some of it is by watching your nonverbals in session, or your language or descriptions "in the moment." But I think there is also something to be learned from listening to you when you have "thought ahead" about what to talk about. He can also learn from reading your journal and then there are many other ways that might give him some kind of access into your experience.

So I guess I'm suggesting that it doesn't have to be either-or. You could think of any information from any source related to you-- body, mind, soul, as a "data point" that your T could use to understand and help you. I think the issue is not so much why he wants to read it or how it might help him theoretically, but rather whether you are comfortable with this, whether you think it might help you or him in some way.

I don't write my journal thinking about T reading it, with the exception that I occasionally write a Dear T letter to him in it. It helps me to give it to him because it is sort of a priming the pump for some of the most difficult things I want to talk about. There is some silly stuff in there about s*x which I would probably find enormously embarrassing if I thought about it for two seconds. But I don't. I write about what's on my mind and in my heart. And because my instinct is to be more closed off to people, including my T, than open, giving my journal to T after some sessions (every 2 to 3) really helps me to be more open during sessions.

The other thing that is helpful to me about giving my journal to him is that he often has insightful comments about something. The other day he said something like that he noticed, although it was subtle, that my feelings for my H are very "tender." I spent my first 4 months in therapy b*tching about my H, so I can understand why he'd be surprised. But it helped me to have that validated. He will also occasionally say something like "when you're ready, I think it would be useful to discuss X, that you wrote about in your journal."

I dunno. Those are my semi-coherent thoughts about journaling. My instinct is that if your T makes this suggestion, he might be on to something. I'd be inclined to take the leap of faith that it will help you and just hand it over.

Anne

[learning1]

Thank you Anne.
That's nice you can feel tender about your H, in spite of having a lot to bi**h about
I guess I'm not ready, and I don't think I'll ever want to share a lot of what I write with my t. But I guess I wanted to hear what you're saying- that it can be helpful and not too self involved or out-of-the-moment to at least show him a little of it. That's really cool your t reads all that outside your session! He obviously must be really interested. My t is the one who asked me if people think I'm boring. So it is a little tricky to believe him that he won't think it's boring. I'm pretty sure he has to make an effort not to be bored with me, but at least he's not too bad at it.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'd like to ask him if he wants to read my journal, stuff i've processed ahead anyway, couldn't we slow down in session enough so I could process my thoughts while I'm there? He doesn't seem to want to do that. He is a lot more talkative than me, and I think it's good sometimes he helps me communicate in-the-moment more than quieter therapists can do. But sometimes it might help if he slows down.

I think this is really important to tell him, even if it means printing out this paragraph on a sheet of paper and handing it to him. Ts like to know how they can make your therapy go better and help you. This sounds like a really clear and concrete way your T can help you in therapy. I am not a fast processor and frequently don't know what I thought or felt until after the session. I have gotten better at this through therapy, though. My T is pretty good about giving me space to look inside and get a glimpse of what I am feeling. I also never say "I don't know" to my T. I at least try to look inside and give him a flicker of a thought or feeling. I am also not afraid to sit there and think for a bit in silence when he asks me a question. And he knows enough not to interrupt. My T has a big personality and is an extrovert. But somehow in session he can tone that down and allow a more introverted person like myself the time and space to think, feel, and speak. I hope you will share what you wrote with your T. I think it will really help him know how to better interact with you. Good luck!

[Elli-Beth]

One thought I had is that my T treats my journal with a lot of respect. He's good about only reading the little sections I give him permission to, and then he hands it back right away without randomly flipping pages.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by learning1

I'd like to ask him if he wants to read my journal, stuff i've processed ahead anyway, couldn't we slow down in session enough so I could process my thoughts while I'm there? He doesn't seem to want to do that. He is a lot more talkative than me, and I think it's good sometimes he helps me communicate in-the-moment more than quieter therapists can do. But sometimes it might help if he slows down.

Maybe you could bring this up with your T - ask him if he can give you some space in session to process things, or some way to communicate with him once you have processed the session. One of the things I really like about my T is that she's an introvert like me and understands that I need to be able to stop and think about things and process what we've talked about. If there's a good point in session to allow me to do that, then she gives me the space to do so. If there isn't, then I'm able to email my T after the session, once I've had time to process things. My T understands that emailing her is my way of processing, and we usually talk briefly in the next session about whatever I emailed her.

I do bring my journal to sessions with me, because I feel more comfortable communicating in writing. However, my T usually asks for me to read my entries out loud to her. She has never taken my journal and read it herself, even though I've asked her to a few times, when I thought the entry would be too painful for me to read out loud. I choose what to share with my T, and I can read as much or as little of an entry as I want to.

[rainbow8]

You've gotten a lot of good answers here. I just want to share my struggles with "being in the moment" with my T. I've always used writing and intellectualizing instead of being right there in the moment. In past therapies, I used to show my Ts what I wrote, and sometimes read or showed them my journal. I was embarrassed at how different my journal was from what I said in therapy.

With my current T, I wanted to bring in my emails to her and refer to them. She always discourages me from doing that. She wants to know what I am feeling now, in the moment with her, not when I sent her the email. Sometimes I get frustrated because what I wrote is relevant, so I tell her that. But I have found that this therapy is so different from the others because, for the first time, I'm able to look directly at my T and "be in the moment" with her. It's like night and day from having a T read what I wrote, or listen to what I report. I am big on "reporting" my feelings, not feeling them.

So, it's a different ball game when you are in the moment with your T. Enlightening. Scary. Productive. Intimate.

I think there is room for both, though I encourage you, like others have, to discuss it more with your T and hear his explanation of your confusion about what he is suggesting.

[learning1]

Thanks Rainbow, BlRh, and all. I printed out what Sunrise suggested. I'd like it if I can explain it to t more nicely, since I've been complaining a lot lately I think. I don't feel like rewriting it now though, since I have other work to do tonight, not to mention time to write on PC and therapy is tomorrow morning. I guess I have a few possible things in mind to talk about- this being-in-the-moment topic, his comments about boring-ness, a letter I wrote to my sister, and the ongoing events I usually talk about. Most of them will be awkward to bring up. So I'll have to see what happens.