[delicatefade26]

Ok...I wasn't going to write about my session-but I can't sleep and I dont have someone to talk to...if you've read any of my posts you know I both adore and hate my T sometimes...and the emails/scheduling/saying I'm going to quit has been an issue...well last week we had an amazing session-I felt like there was absolute support from him...I felt like some healing happened-and I left feeling great! Then He said he couldn't meet this week...it got me upset...but i just wrote back "oh okay : (
Then I had a very bad day and called him-he was so nice and called back...calmed me and also said he had a cancellation for thur-so I took it...
So then today was horrible...I felt like he was tired, long day, hadn't eaten dinner, and just was not present with me...then we started talking about his frustration over my emails...how things are muscommunicated, and how some of the things I have said he gets frustrated with...he says he doesn't respond to those types of things because he knows it's the immature part of me and also because havoc busy...he said it doesn't change the way he feels about me...but i don't know he seemed edgy tonight and was a smartass at some point, and we got into a weird discussion at the end he said "we are out of time" he never does that...he says it was nice to see you and we hug...so he asked how I wanted to end I said I didn't care...after going back and fourth I left without hugs...I'm beyond upset...therapy shouldn't be this consuming and stressful, I feel worse now than I did 5 months ago...I need someone who can give me a set time, and whose only job is to that, not a second evening job where they are tired...and who does not email...or be so casual...I'm heartbroken really....in despair : (
I don't know what to do...help?!

[stopdog]

I am sorry to hear you had such a disconnected appointment. It always feels horrible when that happens. It would distress me too if the appointments were not a set time. Are you at the point of perhaps finding someone else who can provide you with that? It does not sound in the immediate future with this t and it keeps sounding like something you would like. Perhaps you could interview a few others to see if you thought they could be a fit with you too. Your current t would understand if you needed to find a new one who could suit your needs better.

[delicatefade26]

Thanks for responding!!! Well I have an appointment on the 14th with a phsychiatrist who also does therapy, I'm going to see how he is...I'm suppose to see T again on monday...but i really don't want to...I want to quit...but it hurts my heart so much to think about not having him in my life... : (
I wish i could go back and never started seeing him....

[CantExplain]

I kept switching between idealising my T (which leads to disappointment) and demonising her (which makes me want to leave). I'm starting to see her as a human being, but that's tough too.

Therapy IS time-consuming and it IS stressful. A pity but there it is.

[roads]

I can tell how much you don't want to leave this therapist, delicatefade, but it's also clear that your therapy work is your Number One Priority.

This man, however good a match he may be, apparently isnt in a position (2nd job etc) to give your work top priority. It's no one's fault, but it's a reality.

I don't think you're going to be able to get what you want from a therapist or from therapy in the current situation. You need someone stable in his practice so he can be stable & consistent with his clients.

At least that's how I see it from following your posts. I so hope you work things out. You really are working hard & I think with a better situation could be feeling less frustrated. My very best wishes.

[delicatefade26]

Thank you RoadRunner...I think that's exactly right...so now I just have to decide how to go about leaving...and know that I will be heartbroken for a good while

[elliemay]

I see a psychiatrist that does therapy ( a rare breed these days!). He does not email. I have a set time to see him. It's his full time job. This model has worked very well for me.

That's not to say that therapy did not become a HUGE thing in my life. I also fluctuated between hating him and loving him. I learned that it was a habit of mine. Things go well, I loved him. Things did not go well, I hated him and would quit.

It was not a healthy thing for me - that all or nothing. There is a lot of middle ground.

I think it might help you to step back and look at your therapy with your current therapist as a whole. Try to be as objective as you possibly can.

yes, you had a bad, heartbreaking session, BUT, in the context of your entire therapy does the good outweigh the bad.

The grass may not be greener on the other side, and in fact, it may be a good thing for you to stay and work through these issues with your current therapist.

Having watched these boards for sometime now, I have become convinced that email just causes more harm than good for some people. I think it is just best left alone. Of course, it wasn't a part of my therapy so I may just be projecting my own experience onto others.

[WikidPissah]

sorry delicate, you are in such a tough spot....I am in a similar place so I get it. Why can't T's be perfect? stupid question, I know.

[delicatefade26]

Thanks EllieMay I really appreciate your response!! I have looked at it from every angle...and while it will be heartbroken...I'm not going back to my T...I think I'll feel some grief for awhile...but it will be ok! (((everyone))) thanks for the support...and I hope those of you who are going through similar things find peace!!

[delicatefade26]

To top this all off...T said he would email me today...didn't hear from him...I was right all along...he did leave me
I should have never started therapy with him...I'm in despair

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

To top this all off...T said he would email me today...didn't hear from him...I was right all along...he did leave me
I should have never started therapy with him...I'm in despair

I am not trying to demean your experience or invalidate your feelings, but forgetting to email someone is a pretty easy thing to do. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you, or that he has emotionally left you. I also think that having an "off" session and perhaps him being tired and/or hungry (did you ask him about this, or assume) are all within the category of "T is human and makes mistakes."

I hope you can at least talk about these things with him and use his response to you as data for whether you can make this work for you. It seems to me that you have framed multiple behaviors as "he has left me" or "he doesn't care about me" and from my outsider, obviously limited perspective, I just don't see it.

The most important thing to me in therapy is the quality of the relationship that I have with my T. He only works part time, and there have been times when I haven't been able to see him when I wanted to. But I would turn my schedule upside down, see him on different days, different times, different places, stand on my head, whatever it took so that I could see *him*. He is what matters, the rest of the stuff is just convenience.

I've had a couple of awful sessions. There have been times when he's not been present. When I've asked him about this, he's always been open and honest with me about why and has apologized when it was his to own. But these times are few and far between what is otherwise a fabulous connection and what he offers me and the relationship overall.

It's a lot like my relationship with my husband. I'd like him to be perfect, to always be there for me no matter what time and day it is, to never have his own issues get in the way of what I want, and a bunch of other things. But it's the emotional connection that makes our marriage.

If the emotional connection to your T is there, and he has helped you, I'd consider lowering your standards to where you can overlook what I would call trivial issues. Of course, I understand what is trivial to me might well be crucial to you, and you have to decide for yourself.

Anne

[unaluna]

I keep picturing an 8 yr old girl who is heartbroken that her dad left her and is disappointed that he keeps missing and messing up the visitation schedule. Did something like that happen to you IRL? Because if it did, it would explain why you this irregular schedule would have such a hold on you, and perhaps also on your T. A more stable T situation might seem duller by comparison, like the healthy r/s with a nice guy vs the "exciting" one with the bad boy.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Why can't T's be perfect? stupid question, I know.

Even if Ts were perfect, it doesn't seem be their job to stop our emotional swings.

(Thinks: Must take this up with T.)

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Why can't T's be perfect? stupid question, I know.

My T is perfect. When he does something stupid like shove me out the door into an icestorm after just 15 minutes of a 45 minute session, I try to remember that it's not only God who works in mysterious ways, but also His direct descendant in Levi's.

[WikidPissah]

(((delicate))) A set schedule is so much easier for me, a guaranteed time slot every week (unless he's away...or late....or cuts me off early) sigh. And to have t be his second job, that sounds fine for small issues and tune ups. but to deal with the big stuff it has to be consistent. At least for me.