[mcl6136]

To all of those in therapy,

Those of you who are NOT in therapy are driving me crazy.

*My family of origin, who did more damage than I have space to elucidate.

*My boss, who makes Michael Scott from The Office look like a brilliant people person.

*My former spouse.....

Well, you get the picture. None of these people seem motivated to look at themselves or acknowledge their shortcomings, and yet...here I am in therapy, trying to process this. Yesterday in therapy, I basically wanted to say, I'm here in part because so many people in my life have never done the work of looking WITHIN. And yet, I continue to pay for this process and Why?

I feel really resentful that I'm trying to gain awareness, acceptance, and yet I'm dealing with people who have little interest in what I'm up to! I feel more comfortable with OTHERS who have made this commitment too. People like those on PC. I realize that none of us is perfect here, either, but I do experience this therapy journey as a one-way street. It has alienated me, to a certain extent, from those in my life who haven't ....or won't.

Can anyone else relate?

I don't resent being in therapy, I think I'm the lucky one because I could not bear to live an "unexamined life". I have little In common with those that are unable or unwilling to engage in self reflection. But that's there choice, I know the benefits I've reaped, but then I have always been self reflective other people perhaps practise art or something and live their life that way, then there's the adult child that is so bitter and narcisstic that there is no hope and they can bascially "go do one" lol for all I care.

[mcl6136]

on my good days, I agree with you EM. However, I do feel that I bear the brunt at times for those who won't examine.

I know, this is my pity party but can I cry if I wanna?

[MyUserName]

Hey mcl6136,

One of my lecturers said the other day, "i dont know how people havnt been in therapy, i think everybody needs therapy!". Keeping in mind he is a lecturer in Psychology!!! But he is right in a sence. Some people never get that insight into who they are and how things effect them etc etc, so we should be lucky that we have been given the opportunity to examine ourselves and our lives in the way that we do. I dont resent them at all, they just dont understand. Personally, id rather not need T, coz id rather not be suffering from all that i have done and do. I would rather be one of those people who can go through life never needing it.........but hey, im me, their them and thats life...........

[mcl6136]

to quote skysblue, did I ever claim to be rational?

[pbutton]

I understand what you're saying & have felt that way at times.

However, I also believe that part of my "bearing the brunt" of other people's stuff is part of the reason that I need therapy. If I handled my reactions to other people in a better way, then it wouldn't be such a strain on me. My reaction to other people is part of what I need help with. It's my mismanagement and out of line reactions that are harming me. If I had better coping mechanisms it really wouldn't matter what other people did. Again, I'm only speaking for myself.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I understand what you're saying & have felt that way at times.

However, I also believe that part of my "bearing the brunt" of other people's stuff is part of the reason that I need therapy.

My reaction to other people is part of what I need help with. It's my mismanagement and out of line reactions that are harming me. If I had better coping mechanisms it really wouldn't matter what other people did.

To an extent, I really do agree with what you on this. I think I benefit from being in therapy and learning how to better deal with other people's out of line behavior. I really do think I've become better at maintaining my boundaries, dealing with confrontation, and protecting myself. However, like mcl, I also find it quite irritating that people in my life (with serious mental health issues) refuse to seek treatment and/or refuse to take prescribed medication and, as a result, make my life more difficult by putting me in the position of having to reassert my boundaries over and over again, remind myself that their behavior is manipulative and I should not engage, or weigh my options '"do I come to the rescue when they call" or "do I refuse to enable them, but know that they will be verbally abusive to me if I refuse to help."

For instance, as I mentioned in my own recent post, there is a (former) friend who is beginning stalker-like behavior towards me and is dumping all of her emotional problems on me and trying to manipulate me-- making me feel sorry for her so I will continue a friendship with her even though I do not want to and it is not healthy for me. I have told her that she really should be in therapy and I would be happy to have my T give her a recommendation. She said she knows she is mentally ill but feels she is "beyond help" so she refuses to see a therapist--- however, she tries to use ME as her therapist by spilling all of her emotional problems to me and asking me to help, when I'm not qualified and it actually scares me. Thus, I've been using MY therapy sessions talking with T about how to protect myself from this person--- when I need to be using my (expensive and precious) therapy sessions to deal with my own issues. So, mcl, thank-you for bringing up this topic-- it was helpful for me to hear you phrase things the way you did and it showed me that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

[happiedasiy]

It's a slippery slope,when you have suffered yourself and have walked the hard road back you have a genuine desire to help others.
However everyone must walk alone.
You may point to the way or even walk beside them.
Therapy is precious, don't waste it on others it is your time for feedback on how well your doing.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Can anyone else relate?

Yup! Especially with the holidays coming around, my biggest complaint/frustration is with my family of origin. They SO need therapy...and my parents, especially. They did see a therapist briefly after the death of my brother (10+ years ago). Their consensus was that therapy is pointless, but they didn't give it a chance either. So, I also have the added frustration of knowing their opinion of therapy and not even being able to share that I am seeing a therapist without facing recriminations from them.

I wish they could see their part in how screwed up our relationship is. I wish they could understand that I'm making changes in my life for ME, and if they can't deal with that, it isn't my fault and I shouldn't be made to feel that it is.

I'm always particularly bitter this time of year, so maybe that is clouding my thoughts right now too.

[(JD)]

can I relate! All my siblings need therapy.... one for PTSD from vietnam, another from experiences with Pan Am where two different flights went down...flights she was supposed to be on, one did some therapy and feels she fixed everything (she found out she was enabling her drug addict son) she still enables and was a real problem with mom's end of life issues, yadda yadda yadda... but they are all older than me so they'd probably be dead before they resolved any issues. They think they're managing fine.

[Sanguinaire]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

To all of those in therapy,

Those of you who are NOT in therapy are driving me crazy.

*My family of origin, who did more damage than I have space to elucidate.

*My boss, who makes Michael Scott from The Office look like a brilliant people person.

*My former spouse.....

Well, you get the picture. None of these people seem motivated to look at themselves or acknowledge their shortcomings, and yet...here I am in therapy, trying to process this. Yesterday in therapy, I basically wanted to say, I'm here in part because so many people in my life have never done the work of looking WITHIN. And yet, I continue to pay for this process and Why?

I feel really resentful that I'm trying to gain awareness, acceptance, and yet I'm dealing with people who have little interest in what I'm up to! I feel more comfortable with OTHERS who have made this commitment too. People like those on PC. I realize that none of us is perfect here, either, but I do experience this therapy journey as a one-way street. It has alienated me, to a certain extent, from those in my life who haven't ....or won't.

Can anyone else relate?

i dont like therapy; everytime im in therapy, i just try to piss of my therapist..doesnt amount to anything except for teaching me ways to piss of tolerant ppl

[Feiticeira]

I can't afford therapy, otherwise I would gladly go. I feel like I could really use it.

It's funny because I'm a bit envious that everyone here who is able to.

[Lauru]

I can totally relate. I have been in therapy my entire adult life. About half of it spent dealing with my family and all the crap that went on. The rest of the time on my bipolar. My entire family has self destructed. I have a homeless, severely alcoholic brother who is almost 50 and can have hallucinations and delusions, my sister is an alcoholic with her kids taken away by CPS. My other brother runs till he throws up, and then runs some more because he likes the high feeling it gets him. Also has a horrible temper and physically threatening to my mother. My other brother is bipolar, on disability, and refuses to leave the house and is a hoarder. My mom... well do I really need to go on? You all get the drift. And through all of this, I am the identified patient, the one with the mental health stigma. I'm the crazy one who has been through all the psych hospitals. But you know what?? I am happy, with a great partner, no longer drink or self harm. I work a full time job and make jewelry on the side. So I guess the therapy paid off. I didn't end up like my siblings and mom.

So count your blessings that you went into therapy. We are the smart ones. The others are still miserable and suffering and deluded. And remember, we're all here for you and I think you are great for getting help.

[harvest moon]

I can totally relate to what you are experiencing! After all, the main reason I am in T, is that both my parents failed to examine their inner selves and deal with their shortcomings BEFORE they had me! Of course, I am paying for their inability to admit that they have done wrong, that they are not perfect, and to deal with it. But I feel really lucky that I get to be in T; I couldn't imagine living my life half alive, half dead. The first thing that my T asked me 2,5 years ago was "Why do you think you need therapy?" and my answer was "Because I don't want to turn 80 one day and look back at my life and think to myself that I didn't live it because I need knew who I was and what I wanted". So, yes, it's unfortunate that we have to deal with ppl who don't bother to introspect the way we have chosen to, especially if they are our own family and people that we meet on a daily basis. But, we should feel lucky for the gift of therapy! Cause, after all, it is our life and it is us that will have to live it.

[harvest moon]

Originally Posted by Feiticeira

I can't afford therapy, otherwise I would gladly go. I feel like I could really use it.

It's funny because I'm a bit envious that everyone here who is able to.

I couldn't afford it as well but my godfather offered to pay the first two years and now my T has made a generous cut of his fee so I'm paying for it myself. Are you sure there is noone who can support you financially? Any insurance? I have been postponing going to T for more than 8 years because I couldn't afford it. But it's the best gift I gave myself. The fact that you are here, shows that you want to start; maybe you could ask someone to support you.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

To an extent, I really do agree with what you on this. I think I benefit from being in therapy and learning how to better deal with other people's out of line behavior. I really do think I've become better at maintaining my boundaries, dealing with confrontation, and protecting myself. However, like mcl, I also find it quite irritating that people in my life (with serious mental health issues) refuse to seek treatment and/or refuse to take prescribed medication and, as a result, make my life more difficult by putting me in the position of having to reassert my boundaries over and over again, remind myself that their behavior is manipulative and I should not engage, or weigh my options '"do I come to the rescue when they call" or "do I refuse to enable them, but know that they will be verbally abusive to me if I refuse to help."

For instance, as I mentioned in my own recent post, there is a (former) friend who is beginning stalker-like behavior towards me and is dumping all of her emotional problems on me and trying to manipulate me-- making me feel sorry for her so I will continue a friendship with her even though I do not want to and it is not healthy for me. I have told her that she really should be in therapy and I would be happy to have my T give her a recommendation. She said she knows she is mentally ill but feels she is "beyond help" so she refuses to see a therapist--- however, she tries to use ME as her therapist by spilling all of her emotional problems to me and asking me to help, when I'm not qualified and it actually scares me. Thus, I've been using MY therapy sessions talking with T about how to protect myself from this person--- when I need to be using my (expensive and precious) therapy sessions to deal with my own issues. So, mcl, thank-you for bringing up this topic-- it was helpful for me to hear you phrase things the way you did and it showed me that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

Thank you. I felt very much out on a limb posting this and I worried that it would come off as ungrateful (is that a word) about my therapy journey and kinda pissy about some of the people in my life, and I don't always feel this way about them, but hey, I had to share. Or, rather, I had to unload.

The reality is....the people around me do affect me. While it's all the vogue to talk about boundaries, and how people can't "make" us feel a certain way, it's also true that, as John Donne said, "No man is an island."

And sometimes I feel really strafed by those in my life who are not examining what's going on around them and inside of them. Yeah, I get the whole idea of keeping my eyes on my own paper, but for me, that's a moving target. some days I'm really zen; other days, things get to me.

Yeah, the fact that I did therapy (at great expense, pain and trouble) over the course of my long life may have actually paid off. Think of that! It means that I do have at least some minimal insight into my own and others' behaviors that some don't have (and plenty of other people have EVEN MORE insight). I've made better choices because of my therapy journey (and others have made EVEN BETTER choices).

It does pain me that I continue to spend time and money in therapy dealing with people who need therapy -- more than I do, probably. I'm sure I'm not alone, and there are worse things in the world...but I'm just sayin'

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I can totally relate. I have been in therapy my entire adult life. About half of it spent dealing with my family and all the crap that went on. The rest of the time on my bipolar. My entire family has self destructed. I have a homeless, severely alcoholic brother who is almost 50 and can have hallucinations and delusions, my sister is an alcoholic with her kids taken away by CPS. My other brother runs till he throws up, and then runs some more because he likes the high feeling it gets him. Also has a horrible temper and physically threatening to my mother. My other brother is bipolar, on disability, and refuses to leave the house and is a hoarder. My mom... well do I really need to go on? You all get the drift. And through all of this, I am the identified patient, the one with the mental health stigma. I'm the crazy one who has been through all the psych hospitals. But you know what?? I am happy, with a great partner, no longer drink or self harm. I work a full time job and make jewelry on the side. So I guess the therapy paid off. I didn't end up like my siblings and mom.

So count your blessings that you went into therapy. We are the smart ones. The others are still miserable and suffering and deluded. And remember, we're all here for you and I think you are great for getting help.

Thank you for your encouragement! I was really worried about not being supported in this post. I DO definitely count my blessings and am glad that I took this path, but there are times when I feel...gosh, is ignorance bliss? Not that often, but it does happen.

I also feel like while my entire family self destructed, I was able to find my way, and for that, well, there's relief and gratitude for the blessings.

Coming from a very disfunctional family, I knew I needed help when I was a teenager. The rest of the family continue to stay in denial and blame their disfunction on me since I am the only one we sought help. I've made their lives easier. Now they have a scapegoat and can point thier fingers and say "well YOU are the one in therapy, are you not?"

I'll chalk it up to me doing a public service by being the designated nut case.

I totally relate. I don't feel like I can string together a suitably meaningful or coherant reply right now, but basically, 'yeah!' I don't resent being in therapy, but, I do hear you. Why am I the only one in my life who has to study myself and my behavior and self-improve? There are people in my life who could really do with being more introspective and self-examining. I have this theory, that if only more people were in therapy, the world wouldn't be such a screwed up place to live in - old bosses, colleagues, my family, could all have been better people to be around if they all had more of an idea how they behave. I have this fantasy/hope, that one day I might meet a guy who has also been in therapy, and maybe we'll be able to have this really great realtionship because we know ourselves so well What? A girl can dream. I also have a fear that someone who hasn't been where I am won't truly be able to 'get' me, get me? I feel like here on the board there is so much understanding of each other, a lot of empathy/insight/support -- not like real life at all!

Originally Posted by mcl6136

To all of those in therapy,

Those of you who are NOT in therapy are driving me crazy.

*My family of origin, who did more damage than I have space to elucidate.

*My boss, who makes Michael Scott from The Office look like a brilliant people person.

*My former spouse.....

Well, you get the picture. None of these people seem motivated to look at themselves or acknowledge their shortcomings, and yet...here I am in therapy, trying to process this. Yesterday in therapy, I basically wanted to say, I'm here in part because so many people in my life have never done the work of looking WITHIN. And yet, I continue to pay for this process and Why?

I feel really resentful that I'm trying to gain awareness, acceptance, and yet I'm dealing with people who have little interest in what I'm up to! I feel more comfortable with OTHERS who have made this commitment too. People like those on PC. I realize that none of us is perfect here, either, but I do experience this therapy journey as a one-way street. It has alienated me, to a certain extent, from those in my life who haven't ....or won't.

Can anyone else relate?

Relate? You bet your sweet bippy! (Boy, am I dating myself with that one!) I have one brother, who grew up in the same environment as I did. Here I am, in therapy for the fifth time, and not only has he never been in therapy, but I doubt he has ever done any self-introspection at all. He just goes his merry way, oblivious to all of his shortcomings, and fully convinced that he is perfect and completely right in everything he does. His take on my being in therapy is "Well, if you feel a need for it ...."

Bah! I too feel more comfortable with others who are looking to heal and improve themselves and go through the entire painful therapy process. Therapy is not for wimps! It takes incredible stamina and perserverence to open yourself up and look unflinchingly at what's inside. (Well, maybe with a little flinching ... OK, a lot of flinching )

MCL, I'm sorry that you have to deal with family members who feel the way they do. It must be so difficult to put up with their attitudes. Except for my brother, all of my family members are dead. But in the end, I believe you (and all the rest of us in therapy) are doing the right thing. Some day, God willing, we'll become whole, integrated people with a certain amount of inner peace. And they won't.

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh yes, I can definitely relate....

Although my T says that with the new tools that I've learned in therapy (especially group therapy), I can help influence the people around me - or invite others into my life with intentionality.....and limit my exposure to others who are less healthy for me.

That would basically mean limiting my exposure to my family and current friends...and to expand my social network, not knowing where on earth I could find people who are self-aware, etc.

It's not an easy task...and I am still in the early stages....

[KazzaX]

I can sort of relate in that I did not start doing talk therapy until 2 years ago (having had severe depression for 19 ish years). So I was on the other side of the fence. I would say that, for me anyway, looking INSIDE of myself was not of any importance. They never mentioned it during my time with my family, they never mentioned it when i went to school, they never mentioned it at university and they never mentioned it at work. I never had any emotional IQ ever.. and did not know that emotions were important. Because the aforementioned people never said it was. And when pain comes into it, society teaches us to "bite the pain" , ignore it, and soldier on. There is never anything mentioned about healing, etc. I grew REALLY good at biting the pain and soldiering on (until it lead me to the breakdown that is, lol).

So what I'm saying is that society moulds us to just grow up, get educated, and work for the rest of our lives (eg focus on money and assets). Emotions or self reflection never come into it. And for me, I only was made AWARE of this other side of life once I had a mental illness, nervous breakdown, hospital stint, etc. Still, to this day, I have trouble reconciling the whole concept of "mental health" to real life - I mean outside of boards like this, nobody really cares about self reflection, introspection, healing, etc. It's like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. I think this is partly because a majority of the population had a decent upbringing or somehow just arrived at mental health naturally - so they have never HAD to do this stuff. So they just merrily go on their way, making cash, accruing assets, etc etc.

MCL, I can SO relate to this post. It's frustrating, really.

Each of my T's have considered me to be an introspective person, almost to a fault. I tend to look inward, instead of outward for answers AND blame. I am definitely a work in progress.

I don't know if you ever feel this way but I did tell my T once that, sometimes, being around those NOT in therapy but in need of therapy...makes me want to act out even more. It becomes too much for me. Too overwhelming. I get this...if you can't beat 'em, join 'em mentality. I am exhausted trying to do work IN therapy, only to leave my T's office and be surrounded by MORE issues...outside of therapy. I don't see see...ANY. WAY. OUT.

I understand.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

And yet, I continue to pay for this process and Why?

You will be happy. They won't. That's the best revenge of all.

[purple_fins]

mcl6136: It does pain me that I continue to spend time and money in therapy dealing with people who need therapy -- more than I do, probably. I'm sure I'm not alone, and there are worse things in the world...but I'm just sayin'

You know, I saw a psychologist for a couple years(he had 30+ years experience and had written several books) and he once told me-- "The one in my office is almost always the MOST sane one from the situation".... (we're tired of doing this- or this-or thisbut those that refuse to work on their psychie are like the old time vinyls that have a scratch... going over and over the same word/phrase)

hats off to you and everyone, that work on improving the self- be it through therapy, meditation, self-help reading, etc..etc

fins