[skycastle]

I don't know if any of you remember, but I skipped out on therapy for 3 weeks after a really rocky session. Just before the session started, the receptionist said something that felt really shaming to me. I asked if it would be appropriate to bring up issues with the receptionist to my therapist.

Everyone said yes, and...

I did it! I told my therapist about the problem today. And I told her how I had spent telling whole session before telling her lies. I explained that it was just a bunch of little lies and gave her examples. And I started a little bit bringing up some of the issues I've been having but feel embarrassed to talk about. She gave me homework on one of the issues I brought up and it was nice because the assignment feels relevant for once.

Anyway, near the end, I finally told the whole story of what happened with the receptionist. She was a little shocked (as I had been, too!) but supportive, and she thanked me for my honesty in the session and told me that I did a really good job during the session. That felt good to hear her say that.

I explained to her that I was uncomfortable complaining about things to her because I felt I either needed to not let things get to me or DO SOMETHING about them! She told me she understood but that my standards were too high for myself.

Anyway, I had this awful dream about her last night that was so contrary to what ACTUALLY happened in session today when I was honest. It makes me want to tell her some other things, mostly so that there will be one soul in the world to hear these facts and feelings from me, so that I can finally, actually give a voice to ME. I know I'm not totally changed or anything, but ... this is a new idea to me that I've never really had before.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skycastle

I did it! I told my therapist about the problem today. And I told her how I had spent telling whole session before telling her lies. I explained that it was just a bunch of little lies and gave her examples. And I started a little bit bringing up some of the issues I've been having but feel embarrassed to talk about. She gave me homework on one of the issues I brought up and it was nice because the assignment feels relevant for once.

Excellent! I'm really pleased.

You did good!! Congrats! It must have been so difficult, but you did it. Happy for you.

[alwaysrejoice]

great job and good luck

[skycastle]

Thanks

[learning1]

congratulations!!!

[nannypat]

Good job. A Major step in healing!

[skycastle]

I want to recreate this feeling when I see my therapist tomorrow but I don't know how It makes me wish I'd never said anything and that last week had never happened.

I always have dreams of my therapist disapproving of me, or even yelling at me. The night before my session last week I dreamt that I was guided to sit across a desk from her to do therapy in this huge room of TONS OF OTHER PEOPLE sitting across their therapists doing therapy. And I froze up and I couldn't say anything because there were so many people who could hear and so my therapist guided me back to a more private area and said "How are you?" but I was so distressed that I couldn't answer, and she said, "Well, it looks like we're done here. I'm ending my practice, getting married, and moving to another country! Bye!"

Uhgh. And then after that session last week I had the first dream I've EVER HAD where she and I connected. I dreamt that I put my head on her knee and she stroked my hair and I was loved.

This is so lame. What am I supposed to talk about tomorrow?? What did I do right last time?? I don't know what to put on the "agenda" for the day...

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by skycastle

Anyway, I had this awful dream about her last night that was so contrary to what ACTUALLY happened in session today when I was honest. It makes me want to tell her some other things, mostly so that there will be one soul in the world to hear these facts and feelings from me, so that I can finally, actually give a voice to ME. I know I'm not totally changed or anything, but ... this is a new idea to me that I've never really had before.

Applause!

Finally having a voice that is what YOU want to say and not what you think other people want you to say is so important.

[skycastle]

You make that sound like a moderately acceptable therapy goal, pachyderm Thanks!

I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for validation and this is just part of my overall struggle, but... finding a way to frame this stupid struggle so that I can bring it up with my therapist and feel like I'm talking about something vaguely legitimate is important! It is nice to hear that maybe what I want could be okay, even though I can't pin it down to any one experience or something I want to talk about. It's a lot of stuff. I just want to talk. My goal is to feel comfortable talking. To take ownership of my feelings and to be confident enough to share them. To let go of those imagined watchful and judging eyes...