Therapists Don't Really Care, Do They?

I agree, you didn't over react. I'm just REALLY happy that you and your T straightened things out!

nice literary reference!

>> "if a clod be washed away by the sea, europe is the less..."

Wow, great PC moniker if I ever need to change mine... Just look for me under "clod", that about says it all.

My T says that her work is her passion. I see it in her all the time. So I'd say sure, yes, they do care.

Keep in mind however that just as the therapeutic relationship is different from any other, the therapist's kind of caring may be different from any other. We run into problems when we try to put that into the usual can, the usual concepts of that word "caring".
Different is not a necessarily a bad thing, even though it may be a difficult or even frustrating thing.

WOW! I just read through many of the posts. I am saddened by clients who either have therapists who don't care or feel like their therapists don't really care about them. I have been seeing my therapist for many many years and I just recently told her that while I know I am not her only client when I am with her I FEEL like I am her only client. I also told her that when I tell her about things she listens like what I have to say is the most important thing in the world even though it may be something I have told her a hundred times over, she still listens attentively. I know that she cares for me because she has gone out of her way on many occassions to help me out in some way. Responding to phone calls on her day off, reading letters I write during the week, written me letters to encourage me, recorded tapes for me to listen to, hugged me when I asked to be hugged, and she even attends an event with me once a year that we both enjoy. I guess I am blessed to have her in my life. She calls what she does for a living a "calling" and not just a job. She could have retired a few years back but she has not. She has told me she enjoys what she does and she has been doing it for about 40 years.

Actually, I can make an appointment any time I need to between now and then. And I am only being charged what my insurance normally pays(which is way cheaper than the $145 per session he normally charges).So, it's all good and I feel so much better about the whole thing. Just knowing I can go at any time feels like a security blanket.

I'm so glad that it's working out better than you initially thought. It's really the pits when a session ends with so much unsaid & so much assumed. Through the years, I have learned most of the time to write down all the things I am assuming when I'm feeling horrible about something & then start to get them answered with reality of how it really is.......usually clears up the thinking that really messes me up.

The distress tolerance skills get us through the distress, but it's our wise mind practices that help us resolve the problem or take us to the point where we are at least able to deal with it better. You have been doing a good job of resolving your situation & communication is definitely one of the important ways......glad you are feeling better about your situation & know you can get through it safely now. What a relief that feeling is.

Now that I know I can go see T anytime I need to, I suddenly don't feel like I need him so much. When I thought I wouldn't see him for 5 or 6 weeks I felt lost and abandoned and felt like I urgently needed him. Strange how that works....

Safety net maybe? Feeling that you are not alone in this?

Just knowing he is still there makes me feel better. And knowing that he really does care made a huge difference.

I never realized how clingy,needy and insecure I am until I started therapy. It's actually not a very good feeling.

I think I will be fine as long as I can check in when I'm feeling out of control.

Great wisdom here!

Expectations --> disappointment --> feel unloved --> feel unlovable

I've rode that train.

==> Being unlovable? I've ridden that train. Try to remember T's mantra - feelings are not facts.

In a moment of annoyance and negative thinking, I actually stated this to my T a few weeks ago, I said to her "you dont care really, you're only paid to care" she seemed taken aback by my statement, we spoke about my feelings alittle and then she went back to this particular statement, she said although in a way half that statement is true, initally they are kind of paid to care, but the feeling of care that develops with a patient is a completely legit feeling, that it does come as a responsibilty in their job description, that doesnt mean the feelings are fake.

she said think of it this way, you work at a dog shelter, your paid to care for those dogs, that doesnt mean you dont have legit feelings of care for them, if anything happened to those dogs you would be really upset, and when one moves on to a better home you will feel joy that they are in a better place. its the same for T's. (yeah she gives weird examples)

I think that's an AWESOME example!

I love that example!!!!!!

it is a great example, just i sometimes wonder whats going on inside her head sometimes her examples are very weird! lol

That's such a good analogy. And makes me really stop and think. And if I worked at a dog shelter, I know there would be some dogs that I grow attached to and really care about, and others, I would care for their well being, but maybe not so much for them.

I know we're not animals, but I bet it is pretty much the same. I think I am one of those tiny,yappy, annoying little dogs that growls and barks when someone tries to get close enough to pet me, yet sits and whimpers and whines for attention. Hopefully I'm worth saving though.

Question....do any of you ever feel like you want to test your T to see how much/if they really do care?

I feel testing is very bad. it creates an artificial situation, I have had it done to me (constantly, by my family and husbands) and I never react correctly because the conditions are not right. I would guess your T would figure out what you were up to and then make you talk about THAT. Why are you setting up barriers? Why are you being so controlling? What is this really about? I REALLY hate it and in a personal situation would drop that person. It's manipulative - why or how on earth do you think you would get a valid result? I would LOVE to know that! how would you set it up to fool them? there are so many things to consider! or is an invalid response is okay with you, as it was for the people who tricked me? You just get the answer you were looking for, not the REAL answer. And you give the person the ammunition to fool YOU the next time (which is exactly what I did to my first husband).

...in the end you will only make yourself miserable... is that worth it? Life brings us enough "tests" as it is... why make it even more complicated?

I agree that testing my T isn't a good idea. I don't plan on doing it, I just sometimes have thoughts of doing it. I guess sometimes I want to prove to myself that he is just doing his job and doesn't really care. And I don't mean in a romantic way or anything, just that he cares about me as a human being.

I have a hard time believing that anyone could ever possibly want to help me. I guess if he really didn't want to, he would refer me to someone else.

I think they walk a fine line. If they appear too affectionate, we worry they need us more than we need them. If they are too cold, then they seem not to care at all. I read a book by a child psychologist, and from his work with one of his patients I got a better feel for what should happen between me and my T. But maybe that's because I am WAAAAAAY behind in my emotional development! But it was easy to see that what he gave the child was space to grow and develop trust and faith in herself. And he definitely showed caring in giving that to her. that is the kind of space I try to find with my T.

What book was that?

I didn't really know what caring "looked like" when I came to therapy. Sometimes I felt it so strongly, like when T could say exactly what I was thinking, or when his facial expressions were empathetic. Sometimes, I felt very isolated in session, like if I got quiet and T didn't redirect our conversation and we sat in empty silence. Through PC and talking to T, I have learned that sometimes giving a person the space to make their own decisions and choices is how we demonstrate caring.

I do believe my T really cares for me. Recently I've made some big jumps in progress and when I share these, I can tell he is getting choked up. It's clear that he's happy to see me doing better on my own, and I am grateful to him for helping me come this far.

No, doing such a thing is wasting my money. You went to therapy to deal with issues in your life. You should be dealing with those.

Just let it go. Really why does it matter so much to you? If the therapy is working that's what matters.