Therapists Don't Really Care, Do They?

ladyjrnlist · Dec 02, 2011, 01:24 PM

Testing is asking for trouble!
Back to something referred to earlier. I don't think it's a gender matter when it comes to who gets attached to his or her T. I think it depends on what that person has been through and is going through. Some are more vulnerable. Some are seeking a reassuring authority figure. This goes for either gender. Therapy is too individual to make sweeping generalizations about how one group responds to it versus another, in my humble opinion.
BTW, glad you worked it out with your T!!!

sunrise · Dec 02, 2011, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

Question....do any of you ever feel like you want to test your T to see how much/if they really do care?

No, I haven't felt that way. It feels kind of yucky to me and I wouldn't want to deliberately make myself feel bad. It also has a whiff of game-playing about it and I hate that.

I would rather just know he cares by other means than testing.

Dec 02, 2011, 01:41 PM

Not sure its game playing on a consious level. More unconsious.

Dec 02, 2011, 02:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

Testing is asking for trouble!
Back to something referred to earlier. I don't think it's a gender matter when it comes to who gets attached to his or her T. I think it depends on what that person has been through and is going through. Some are more vulnerable. Some are seeking a reassuring authority figure. This goes for either gender. Therapy is too individual to make sweeping generalizations about how one group responds to it versus another, in my humble opinion.
BTW, glad you worked it out with your T!!!

I sorta disagree. I think men in general are less likely to become attached to their therapist then women. Not saying that's necessarily a good thing, but becoming too attached can also be a problem.

There's many posts on here by women, not just this thread but on this forum, where they're concerned that their therapist doesn't care. To balance that out, more women post here, but then more women seek therapy then men.

Dec 02, 2011, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

Therapy is too individual to make sweeping generalizations about how one group responds to it versus another, in my humble opinion.

I would agree. And it's not really the place to discuss people's beliefs about gender differences. This is a forum for support around psychotherapy and IMO, saying that this gender is different than that gender isn't supportive to the issue being discussed.

In addition, the history of gender differences in law, politics, and the sciences is one of making women less than men, as in men and women are different-- therefore men are superior and women are inferior. Even if that is not the writer's intention, that is how it often feels to me when someone says men do x, women do y.

Anne

Dec 02, 2011, 04:49 PM

No, it's got nothing to do with men being superior then women but there are differences. We're not equal. Women are better at some things and men are better at others. The male and female brains are slightly different, for instance women can see better in the dark and men can see better in the bright lights. There's been studies suggesting that men feel physical pain less then women and feel less pain in general.

To say we're all equal because we're all human is a simplistic way of thinking. Unfortunately we're not all equal, we're not all judged equally and that crosses genders.

But anyway I'll leave it now because I don't want to derail this thread.

unaluna · Dec 02, 2011, 04:59 PM

Aren't we starting the weekend manbashing a little early? I didn't post about it last week, but I noticed it! And why is it the married ladies who are the ones complaining?? I'm the one who's home alone! Send your hubbies to me if you don't want 'em! (please include SASE)

Dec 02, 2011, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Aren't we starting the weekend manbashing a little early? I didn't post about it last week, but I noticed it! And why is it the married ladies who are the ones complaining?? I'm the one who's home alone! Send your hubbies to me if you don't want 'em! (please include SASE)

Are you referring to me? If so, this has gone completely over my head. I don't see any manbashing in my post or any other, and I don't recall any weekend bashing any other time her either.

Anne

Betty_Banana · Dec 02, 2011, 06:12 PM

Why does this keep going back to gender anyway?...................

Dang, all I wanted was a little advice,opinions and support.

Dec 02, 2011, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

That's such a good analogy. And makes me really stop and think. And if I worked at a dog shelter, I know there would be some dogs that I grow attached to and really care about, and others, I would care for their well being, but maybe not so much for them.

I know we're not animals, but I bet it is pretty much the same. I think I am one of those tiny,yappy, annoying little dogs that growls and barks when someone tries to get close enough to pet me, yet sits and whimpers and whines for attention. Hopefully I'm worth saving though.

This would be a fun thread in and of itself. I think I'm one of those silent, stand-offish dogs that suddenly turns into a fear biter when pushed too far, which then cowers and pees on itself when cuffed.

stopdog · Dec 02, 2011, 07:59 PM

I have made sure the t will stay away if I quit or cancel etc. I want to make sure they do not cross into my life by calling or anything like that. I did not start out to test, but certainly had they called or intruded in any fashion I would have been unwilling to change my mind and go back.

pbutton · Dec 02, 2011, 10:32 PM

Speaking of the animal shelter analogy, I have a cat who was rescued from a collector's home. He started out life very abused and damaged with very difficult habits and was incredibly hard to get to know.

Weathering his challenges have made me even more glad to know him. He is the best cat ever. And it hasn't been easy, but it's 100% worth it.

So if you feel damaged and unlikeable to your T, keep in mind that you could be just like my cat.

Betty_Banana · Dec 03, 2011, 08:23 AM

I rescued a border collie about 5 years ago and it has been such a rewarding experience. He was left in a small cage so long that he fell over every time he tried to walk or run.

I also have a chow/lab mix that I ended up keeping when my intention was to find her a home. She reminded me of myself at first, so scared of everything, she would yelp and hide when I got around her. It took a long time for her to trust me, and now she is my best friend.

Betty_Banana · Dec 03, 2011, 08:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I think I'm one of those silent, stand-offish dogs that suddenly turns into a fear biter when pushed too far, which then cowers and pees on itself when cuffed.

LOL...since I'm one of the tiny,yappy dogs, I would dribble pee every time I bark.

Betty_Banana · Dec 03, 2011, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

I think they walk a fine line. If they appear too affectionate, we worry they need us more than we need them. If they are too cold, then they seem not to care at all.

I think that's probably totally correct. Once, in the beginning of therapy, when I first started talking about some of my traumas, my T. got all emotional, and I was afraid he might actually shed a tear. It felt so uncomfortable and awkward. I definitely didn't want a therapist that was going to react like that. I was shocked that something I said affected him that way.

Then the other extreme is thinking maybe he doesn't care at all. So either way I don't seem to be happy.

*sigh*

unaluna · Dec 04, 2011, 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by earthmamma

What book was that?

THE BAD OBJECT by Jeffrey Seinfeld, 1990, the case of Yvette, in the chapter, Handling the negative therapeutic reaction in children. I LOVE THIS Seinfeld! I remember having big arguments with T when I got this book as to the definition of "negative therapeutic reaction" - he insisted it meant the client leaves and doesn't come back; he's like, that's how we talk about it at conferences, I THINK I know what i'm talking about! I'm like, well you're all a bunch of egocentric egomaniacs, that reaction is just negative for your pocketbook; the real problem is when the client stays and you can't connect, you moron. end quote. so this book stayed in his office a long time after I showed him the pages I tabbed - maybe just to keep me from quoting it?! Anyway, sorry it took me so long to answer you - still in the process of dehoarding, I could not physically reach the book. it was right next to another of his, The Empty Core, which I also liked. I can't believe I went straight to the right book after 3 years. then again, that's not so long ago. on the other hand, there are a lot of books in here. on the other other hand, this one story of his really impressed me. I saw it on google books, I don't know how much of it you can read there.

Betty_Banana · Dec 14, 2011, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by so80

more women seek therapy then men.

Why is that? Do men just think it's not very masculine to talk about their feelings?

I'm asking because my husband started therapy earlier this year, but he seems to only go when he's having major problems. I think he would do much better if he went continuously, each week, but he won't.

He acts kind of ashamed to go, like he's weak or something. I think differently, I think going and asking for help is a show of strength.

Dr.Muffin · Dec 15, 2011, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

Why is that? Do men just think it's not very masculine to talk about their feelings?

I'm asking because my husband started therapy earlier this year, but he seems to only go when he's having major problems. I think he would do much better if he went continuously, each week, but he won't.

He acts kind of ashamed to go, like he's weak or something. I think differently, I think going and asking for help is a show of strength.

there's an underlying message that all men get from this society that weakness is unacceptable. so, any activity that can be construed as admitting to weakness is sure to be met with resistance by any man.

at least that's my take on it.

pachyderm · Dec 15, 2011, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

there's an underlying message that all men get from this society that weakness is unacceptable. so, any activity that can be construed as admitting to weakness is sure to be met with resistance by any man.

at least that's my take on it.

My mother was the one who taught me that weakness was unacceptable! That was not an underlying message, either -- it was right on top! An expression of weakness gets you a beating.

On the other hand, I think some of the skepticism towards therapy -- including mine -- is a valid reaction to its uncertainty.

Dr.Muffin · Dec 15, 2011, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pachyderm

My mother was the one who taught me that weakness was unacceptable! That was not an underlying message, either -- it was right on top! An expression of weakness gets you a beating.

On the other hand, I think some of the skepticism towards therapy -- including mine -- is a valid reaction to its uncertainty.

i never said that women (mothers, girlfriends, sisters, etc) arent often couriers of that message. that is most definitely the case, whether its done out loud or more subtly.

i'm just saying its a societal norm.

unaluna · Dec 15, 2011, 11:30 AM

Wow pachy, that kinda explains your name. Mine too - my mother only ever talked to my brother, even about my issues, then that was it, the issue was taken care of - only nobody ever told me what was discussed. I overheard a little sometimes, that's all. So back to topic, the fact that T is talking directly to ME? a) means everything to me and b) the family actually tries to undermine every chance they get.

crazylife · Dec 15, 2011, 11:48 AM

6 weeks is a long time when your in such a state and therapy is helping! The T should understand us if they are any good at there job. He should have given you crisis numbers and have a co-worker or similar check in on you. That is terrible! Sometimes it helps to try and take a step back.

In the end your the paycheck. Someone told me all you are is a folder that arrives on there desk, it gets opened up for x amount of weeks, updated then passed on. I have recently seen the proof from my T.

It sounds like your work with the public is similar enough to judge. I also work with the public in a busy coffee shop and i don't care what people say, i'm not interested and i don't want to know everything about them but it's our job to show we are interested and therapists are so similar.

If anything go back! Even just for one appointment and tell the T what you felt and how it would have helped to have a little more support etc. It could be the difference in it happening again to you or someone else because if no one pulls the T up on this (ignore his reaction) nothing has the chance to change.

Good Luck

Salmacis · Dec 15, 2011, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

I realized that fact today. They really don't care, it's just part of their job to pretend like they do.

I found out today that I won't be seeing my T again until January. I talked to him on the phone about it. He said "see you in January". That's such a L O N G time away to me. 6 weeks seems like forever. And all he said was see you in January? Considering the fact that I have been having a rough time for the past 2 months,that I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of su*cide,etc., I would have appreciated(expected?)for him to at least tell me to take care of myself, or remind me what I need to do should things get real bad, or to say I could call him If I needed to. But he said nothing like that, and that's when I had my realization. He never really cared in the first place, he was just doing his job.

I'm sure being a therapist is not alot different than my job. I work with the public, and it's part of my job to be friendly and act like I'm interested and care what people have to say. But the truth is, I don't really give a crap about those people, I don't care what they have to say, it's just what I have to do cause it's part of my job. Most of the time I don't even really listen to what they say, but I'm getting paid so I pretend like I do.

I guess I'm just disappointed. And now I'm not sure I ever want to go back at all.

I personally find it easier to deal with T because of the fact I have no expectation she will care. I know it sounds twisted, but "transactual" relationships relieve me of worrying whether or not the other person is genuine.

With T, I get to talk to an unbiased third party about my personal problems & she gets paid to listen and give feedback. When people "care" about you, you may not always get what you really need/want from them... you end up with what they think you need/want.

stopdog · Dec 15, 2011, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Salmacis

I personally find it easier to deal with T because of the fact I have no expectation she will care. I know it sounds twisted, but "transactual" relationships relieve me of worrying whether or not the other person is genuine.

With T, I get to talk to an unbiased third party about my personal problems & she gets paid to listen and give feedback. When people "care" about you, you may not always get what you really need/want from them... you end up with what they think you need/want.

I agree with this in a lot of ways.