Therapists Don't Really Care, Do They?

Since it's the weekend, he will not be in his office, so I can't call him. Would it be inappropriate to email him? Or would it be better to just wait until Monday, when I have had time to calm down and think this through?

BTW echoes, I'm afraid I will hear that that he doesn't want to see me before then. Or that I am being irrational.

Waiting to speak to him in person might feel much better.

It might feel better, but it's also 6 weeks away before I see him in person again.

Hi Lost,

I am with the camp of people who are encouraging you to talk to your T about how you feel. It would be really easy to speculate about why he would have been so matter of fact about "see ya in Jan", and I wonder if part of it is out of respect for your financial condition, not wanting to offer assistance that you would feel bad about accepting, or rejecting.

Is there a way you could turn this into figuring out a way to get what you need? I think this is something important that all of us have to learn how to do better, to tell our T's how we are feeling and ask for what we need. My cynical self would say "no body will help you even if you ask, so why bother", but you're really no worse off if you ask and you don't get it. Most likely, your T will try to figure out how to help you get at least some of what you want if you ask.

I might maybe ask something like "on second thought, I am pretty scared about facing six weeks ahead without seeing you. Would it be possible for me to set up one or two sessions during this time. Could we work out a payment plan? I think I could pay $10/week (or whatever) until I paid you back.

Or "could we talk on the phone sometime?" or whatever it is that you need from him.

Anne

Just a thought, but by not reaching out you are left wondering, if you ask, even if you hear something you don't want to hear, you remove all the " what ifs". If you email , read and reread to make sure you have said what you need to say without emotional rambling. At least that's what I do. Wishing you well.

Maybe I should talk to him about this. If I don't, I'm just going to keep feeling and thinking the way I am about him and keep myself upset over it. And even if I hear something I don't want to hear and get upset, either way, I'm still gonna be upset. I just need to decide which is worse.

Only one choice has a possible happier ending.

It is a risk, but I would call. I still think he was insensitive and unattentive, but if you have worked well with him for awhile and like him well enough, give him an opportunity to redeem himself. Perhaps, if you would find it useful, you could call him every so often for 5 minutes or so to check in.

Oh, sorry - I meant to call rather than email.

This question arises over and over and over again. And the majority of those concerned by the question and the answers are women. Me, I'm a guy and not only do I not care about the question, it's been hard for me to understand how women could care. For me, it's very much "so what?"

But questions I can't answer stick in my mind and rattle around until sometimes a possible answer comes up. As it has in this case. What I'm going to propose may seem like a no-brainer for women, but it's really taken a lot of work on my part to come up with.

I think some women find it difficult to bare themselves psychologically to others who haven't first qualified themselves for that trust by showing "real," "personal," "sincere," "true," love and care. It's entirely possible that a person would respond to that by asking "doesn't everybody?" And the answer to that question is no, absolutely not.

To people like myself, a T's education, experience and personality matter, not the quality of their "feeling" for me. I think they're just doing their job, and whether they do it well or badly is all that counts.

So I really wonder whether this is an X-chromosome matter, an evolved behavior that has been valuable to our female ancestors in all kinds of relations, not just with T's. To unlock the gate that leads to intimacy, women tend to want to examine the credentials of the entrant pretty searchingly, and what guarantee is more valuable, more real, than the guarantee of love? Take care.

Ygrec23 - I am a woman and I do not focus on whether they care or not. I would rather think of them as not and I want them to stay away. I would be upset if they called or emailed to check on me or tried to hug me or anything like that. On the other hand it has been suggested I may not be the most securely attached person running around.

When I first read what you wrote Ygrec, I felt insulted. But once I thought about it a minute, I thought maybe you could be right. IDK. I do believe maybe that's a good portion of what's going on, but I don't believe that's all of it.

I have never trusted anyone before, I have never even completely trusted my husband or kids. I have just recently started trusting my T 100%. This recent trauma that I experienced changed the way I viewed him and I really felt I could trust him. I was ready to bare my soul, and talk about something he has been pushing me to discuss for the past year. Now I won't see him again for 6 weeks. It feels almost like a betrayal.

Does he know you are suicidal? And if you are, you have to explore other avenues if you cannot see him.

I hear you that this hurts - a lot. It may turn out that your therapist can't see you again for six weeks, and this puts a horrible barrier in place for your therapy. It's hard to wrap your head around what his absence means, how you are supposed to handle it, what this has done to your progress.

Even though he may not see you, you can still call him (surely he has voicemail) and let him know how you feel about this absence.

I would not recommend email because I've just seen that lead to too many problems on these boards.

I think he needs to know how you feel - one way or the other.

It just seems to me that a lot of the time people (including our therapists) think we are doing better than we actually are.

He may have come to this conclusion on his own, and you need to tell him what's going on with you right now.

You may hear from him, you may not, but at least he'll know - and that will mean something.

Good luck and peace to you.

I'm sorry if I offended, stopdog. I didn't say all women were affected, just some. And that the participants in these threads appeared to be substantially female. I'm sure there are a respectably substantial number of women who don't wonder about this issue. Just more women than men who do. Take care!

Hmmmm. I'm sorry to read that you started out feeling insulted, Lost. And I do well understand that there are other life circumstances that can make one wary of any T. Take care!

No offense taken. If I remember correctly, you have an interest in gender from some of your responses on other threads.

Hello Lost In Thought,

I have been following this thread, and I have may have missed this information; however, I am curious if you are also being treated with medication for your depression? Not that this is necessarily an answer for you, but every time I fall deep into the hole when I am considering negative behaviors, I know I have to visit my doctor for med. adjustments. Because I am so stubborn, it takes me too long to do what I need to do, and have found myself unable to function at times.

I am hoping that somehow you can find some peace. Like other posters, I definitely agree that you should make contact with your T to see what your options are.

((((HUGS))))

Bluemountains

Thanks for all the responses I have received. I appreciate it.

I think maybe I am too upset to be able to think rationally right now. I think it would be a mistake to have contact with my T right now. Maybe it's a good thing that today is Saturday and I can't call him until Monday. I think I need time to really think about all of this instead of just reacting.

And no, I don't have any medication that I take on a regular basis. I do do have effexor that I was supposed to start last month, but didn't because I was afraid to.(I have a pill phobia).

I don't think it's an X chromosome matter because I have two X's and I am not like that! I think it's more of an individual issue--the issues a person needs to work on, based on their past, and the reasons they are in therapy. I think it's to be expected that the people who resonate with the feelings in this thread would be the first to respond and offer support, and since most are women here...

For me, I know my T cares, and I don't doubt it. He has shown me in so many ways during our sessions that he cares. If my T told me "see you in January" I wouldn't take it as a sign he didn't care, but just that he meant he would see me in January. By saying this, I am not intending to minimize your concern, Lost_In_Therapy, but just present another interpretation of your T's words. If I had any doubt my T didn't care when he made that comment, I would know for sure at my next appointment when he was his same old caring and helpful self, was glad to see me again, etc. I think that kind of consistency in a therapist can be very reassuring. Lost_In_Therapy, I wonder if you can think back to your therapy sessions and the positive experiences you have had there, and the times you felt connected to your T, and caring from him? Maybe recollection of those instances can help you not see his "see you in January" comment as a sign he doesn't care.

If you are in need of support and feeling super down, do you have the number of the crisis line? If you are in crisis, can you call them? Please take care and stay safe. Wishing you a nice rest of the weekend...

I too am a man in therapy and I see where you're coming from. I see a female therapist, and to be honest, I'd much prefer if she doesn't really see me as anything more then just another patient. Now I'd like her to care a bit, because I'm paying her money and if she cares she's more inclined to be a better therapist.

That said, I don't expect nor want her to love me or care for me anymore then any of her other patients, nor do I care for it. She could love me as much as she wants but if the therapy is poor then her love is a waste of time.

I do see a lot of posts here, all by women. You girls do seem overly interested in your therapists. I'm not here to have a dig, just saying if I acted half the way some of you acted here I've no doubt my therapist would discontinue working with me.

To the OP, chances are your therapist does care. The thing is, you might not like to read this but you're one of many patients he cares about. He can't put all his eggs in one basket like you can. Which means he'll mean more to you then you to him. That's the reality. It is his job, when it comes to the crunch the people he'll care about the most is his own family.

We all have to accept this as patients. Before any of us tried therapy we knew this, just because feelings change reality doesn't.

I understand that you're not trying to be offensive here, and I'm not trying to squelch you from having such an opinion. But, your post just comes across to me as really, really patronizing. And I'm not such a big fan of men patronizing women, or men trying to teach women "how it really is." I think men could learn a lot from women, about how to behave in therapy as well as outside of it. Maybe then you men would stop creating so many wars.

Anne

First of all I'm not trying to teach you or anybody else here anything.

If what I said came across as patronizing to you then so be it. Don't change it from being fact.

The clingy/needy posts on here are all from women. It's not about who's the better gender/sex/whatever but these posts are from women. Though to be fair men hardly post here.

I agree Anne. The patronizing that we encounter with some men is demoralizing and hurtful. This poster seems to think feelings are irrelevant and unimportant. My H thinks the same way. No wonder we have a hard time connecting on a deeper level. Feelings are what make us human. Otherwise, we might just as well be robots. If superficial is satisfying for some, fine, but let them leave the judgment of other's feelings off the table please.

I do think that "we" women are better at relationship issues when it comes to comparing men and women, AND I know that women are more prone to seek out therapuetic intervention than men, BUT (and that's a BIG BUT), I don't think that women are any more prone to questioning a therapist's compassion/committment/caring/compassion etc. I think that women are definitely more apt to discuss/break-down/ examine the emotions behind a relationship--it's what we do well, culturally and brain wise.

I think that men in our society are more apt to walk away, scratching their head and saying, "Gee, that was a big NOTHING! Why the heck did I think that would be helpful?" . ... Sadly, who is responsible for that kind of reaction? . . . Us mothers! We have a very hard time teaching our son's to be sensitive, empathetic and caring. We spend a lot more time teaching them to be "manly" and "TO GROW A SET" . . . We don't reward our son's to be curious about what happens in relationships. We don't discuss how things affected them emotionally. We are more apt to talk about what "physically" happened in a difficult situation. We teach them to be problem solvers (not a bad thing when companioned with empathy) but a failure to teach relationship compromise and commitment. I say this because I know that I could have done better with my son. I sure hope that we can change as a society! I know that people might disagree with my thoughts on the subject but I can't help that feel that it's a cultural thing.