I'm feeling the need to tell my story AGAIN!!

I was like that once. And I saw it at the group.

Me: You speak about yourself as if you had been dead a hundred years. Like nothing that has happened to "this person" can possibly be relevant to you."

I understand detached. I do not understand why I should be undetached or even how to do it. I really just do not have any emotion about about it.

It's about engaging all your "systems". You ie one needs to INTEGRATE the experience. An experience isn't something that just happens in our mind, altho for many of us it is, because we've split off from our bodies. But like that's why DID happens, that's this taken to the extreme.

I mean, what happened when an adult said, "quit crying or i'll give you something to cry about!" We sure did not resolve the original issue, whatever it was, and then we had this new issue, to turn off our feelings and stop crying, and another one, to privately process our resentment and fear and disregard for this so-called adult. That's a lot of stuff! Where did it all go? My tummy is getting upset just thinking about it! That's probably good. I can calm myself back down now.

Do you know about getting or working "in the zone"? You have to be feeling it, and you just get lost in it, but that's when time flies and when it's the best, and when you're the most creative. I had a moment like that Thursday that is still with me now, and that affected T too. It's how basketball teams win, it's how we win. You gotta be in the zone.

It's hard. I hope your T can help you. Good luck!

Skysblue, you got a lot of excellent feedback on why you have to feel those emotions from long ago. I hope you have made some progress on this.

Stopdog, you seem to use extreme control to keep the lid on all of your emotions. If you want your emotions to come out you will have to work on loosening that control or maybe first, work on why you feel that you need that much control in the first place.

You're right. Everyone gave excellent feedback. I wasn't able to get back on this thread quickly because of the holidays but I want to thank all who gave their time and their input. It helped a lot - a lot.

I had called my T before my session and left message asking her if she thought it would be ok to take the klonopin. Would telling the story be sufficient in having it release its hold on me,I asked? Did I really need to re-experience (or maybe FINALLY experience) the emotions?

And this is how she replied: "I strongly advise that you not take klonopin in your telling of story. The most effective thing to do is to take your time and feel the feelings. Just reporting the story will not move things forward for you in terms of being able to release the story and let go. First of all it's about learning what you're feeling about it and have the feelings come out. The goal is to incorporate the feelings with the story. And thereby the story will lose its power."

I have been amazed at how strong the emotions have been. I've done 3 'installments' so far and each day after session I'm totally wiped - physically, mentally and emotionally. I had no idea it would be this tough. Each time I vow that I won't continue but I have.

Incredibly, I am seeing some internal movement now in the loosening of the power of the story. It isn't finished yet but I think I've become a believer. You guys were right. How this is possible just boggles my mind. I don't understand it. It makes no 'rational' sense. Trusting the 'process' and trusting my T have helped. When I'm able to let go of my resistance and go into uncharted territory, it has ALWAYS been beneficial - ALWAYS!!

To prevent chaos.

Right. You mentioned CSA before, but said you weren't sure it was technically A. My T says that children need adults to help them make sense of confusing feelings. Such a simple statement! I remember being in the basement with my dad, we had a player piano left behind by the previous owners, and we were playing and singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I remember was crying because I couldn't understand why they were being mean to Rudolph. I swear that was the last time my dad ever talked to me like that. He couldn't handle it when I got upset. Ever. Both parents just freaked out and got nasty and would tell me to stop doing whatever I was doing if it was upsetting in some way, to me or them.

It's not emotions that are the problem, it's emotional regulation. So this person was taking you into chaos. That - apart from the ugliness? - is what is so damaging? What you were describing about how you handle your students issues shows you are learning emotional regulation skills - I would describe it for myself as rebuilding the part of the brain that was originally lost to chaos, lost to the forest? - now it's being developed.

Is there a full moon? Stuff is HAPPENING here! Or does this happen every new year? Wow! Zang! Zip! Zowie!

[QUOTE=hankster;2171225]
So this person was taking you into chaos. ![/

Other people's emotions can create chaos and if two or more have uncontrolled emotion it is untold chaos. I would not say actually taking me into chaos.
The chaos comes from from not keeping emotion in check. What i assume you mean by regulation.

Only stuffed emotions need control so not to devolve into chaos. Getting those feelings out will "clean the house" and make control unnecessary.

My experience has been otherwise. And chaos is something I very much dislike. I don't think they are stuffed and they do come out, just not in a disorderly fashion.

I've discovered this to be true over this last year in therapy. Thanks, Sannah.

I told my story in bits and pieces maybe three or four times but, cried over it idk how many times... And somehow my story changed in my head towards the end of 2011. Logically, I know how it ended but, this showed me the importance of both telling and feeling my story. I was known to tell me story with my T how it really ended, with me sitting on the bed after being violated (10 yrs. old) and crying and being scared. Now, I absolutley cannot even picture it the same. I'm still on the bed crying but, God was sitting next to me... I don't know what God would look like but, Gods presence was in that room when I thought I was alone and thought no one was there. This ending of a story has been very healing for me and only came, naturally, one day, without my trying, from re-telling and re-telling my story. Good luck to you.