[lastyearisblank]

went to visit a parent who is unwell.

i got the same old, same old. she smacked me twice on the face with her elbows. all these old memories came up i don't think i can deal with that right now. my parent knows i am applying to grad school. we have been quarelling for a long time, about this topic of achievement. i don't know if i will ever achieve anything. i don't know if i will every find a real support network.

i called up my boyfriend in a panic to ask him to come get me.

she started screaming, "you're pathetic you should be ashamed of yourself."

the same fears of dependency came up.

i shut down my phone. all i know is the wrong ways to cope.

i have no idea what to do right now.
feeling like a reject, drop out.
i am sure T has no idea what to do either.

I think you were right to want to leave. No one has the right to treat you that way - tell her so and remove yourself from the situation is my 2 cents (and don't let anyone crush your dreams. You can achieve.)

[WePow]

(((((LYIB)))))) You said it all with "a parent who is unwell."

That is a VERY sick parent. That is not your fault.
I know the feelings of being the child can be overwhelming.
But you know the TRUTH that the parent is sick. Very very sick.

You are doing great by reaching out with your words to others. You deserve to be heard. Sometimes we never can yell back (or hit back) the abusive parent.
But we have the NEED to be heard! You have a right to your voice and to defend the inner child of yours who should have been protected. That is now your job.

What she did and said was so mean and so hurtful. I am so sorry that you had to experience that, and for all the history that is behind it.

You deserve to apply to graduate school in a space where you feel hopeful and excited. You can choose who you include in your support circle as you move towards this goal. You do not have to include her, and as I am sure you know, you don't have to have any contact with her at all.

I didn't have any contact with my FOO for 10 years, through the decade of my thirties. During that time, I not only reclaimed a large part of my emotional life, but I also was able to achieve things in my career I am certain I wouldn't have been able to had I still been pulled down by them. And I also had the courage to leave a "successful" job that wasn't really right for me and do something less stereotypically successful that I don't think I would have chosen otherwise.

It sounds like you are on the cusp of changing your life for the better. I wish you the best.

Anne

[learning1]

WePow said that so well I think. I'm sorry your parents are so difficult lyib. I remember something awful happened when you went to visit your Mom before too. It definitely isn't your fault. I'm glad you came back and posted here.

Congratulations on applying to grad school too. If you're able to take the initiative to do that, you've obviously got some abilities to take care of yourself and get things done. I'm confident you can find a support network like you want. It takes time in life, but in my experience, things get better as you get older and have had more time to acheive the things you're trying to do (of course, barring catastrophe's that can happen to anyone, but the point is, you're trying hard and you're headed in the right direction).

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

went to visit a parent who is unwell.

"A parent." That says it all doesn't it? A non-person that doesn't belong to you.

(((((((lyib))))))))

Ugh, I am SO sorry.

It's SO hard not to fall back into our old patterns of relating to our abusive parents.

But reaching out to your boyfriend was *not* the wrong way to cope. That was good, healthy self-care. You don't deserve to be treated how your mom was treating you.

You will achieve things, and you ARE achieving things. You are applying to grad school! You are learning how to take care of yourself. You are reaching out here. You ARE doing it.

Sending lots and lots of hugs.

[Perna]

I am sorry you are struggling with this, lastyearisblank. I still vividly remember a school friend I had as a young teen whose mother was severely disabled and in a wheelchair and when the friend did something to displease the mother, the mother would require her to come over by the wheelchair so the mother could bite her hand! I could not understand at the time why the friend would go there, knowing that would happen!

I think I understand now but also know how important it is to eventually stop stepping up to the wheelchair, depending on the mother for her dubious definition of us and the false sense of being cared for/about and the comforting predictability of the interaction.

[rainbow_rose]

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

my parent knows i am applying to grad school. we have been quarelling for a long time, about this topic of achievement. i don't know if i will ever achieve anything. i don't know if i will every find a real support network.

When I first began to think about switching careers, I told very few. It was a fragile dream and could so easily be quashed. The first person I told, very deliberately, after some months was my career counselor. She was very supportive and gave me objective help. She also said that I had done exactly the right thing and not shared my career switch idea with those who might not react positively. She said I needed to nurture the dream safely and advised me not to tell anyone I had even remote doubts about until my switch efforts were further along, stronger, and more stable.

lastyearisblank, I hope you will stop talking on this topic to your parent. It just doesn't seem helpful at all to you. Talk instead to trustworthy friends, your boyfriend, a therapist or someone you can depend on to be supportive. Sending many hugs and encouragement to hold onto your dream of grad school.

[roads]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

. i called up my boyfriend in a panic to ask him to come get me.

she started screaming, "you're pathetic you should be ashamed of yourself."

the same fears of dependency came up.

i shut down my phone. all i know is the wrong ways to cope.

i have no idea what to do right now.
feeling like a reject, drop out.
i am sure T has no idea what to do either.

I'm so glad you came here & posted! Your instincts at the time were good, too. To call your boyfriend & get out of there! So you knew a good way to cope, you just didn't follow through.

You can learn to follow through.

Why do you think a T wouldn't know what to do?
** lots of hugs, okay? **


Roadrunner

[pbutton]

Your T probably has some very helpful ideas. I know my T always surprises me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by sunrise

When I first began to think about switching careers, I told very few. It was a fragile dream and could so easily be quashed. The first person I told, very deliberately, after some months was my career counselor. She was very supportive and gave me objective help. She also said that I had done exactly the right thing and not shared my career switch idea with those who might not react positively. She said I needed to nurture the dream safely and advised me not to tell anyone I had even remote doubts about until my switch efforts were further along, stronger, and more stable.

That's a good counsellor.

[sittingatwatersedge]

LYIB, many hugs to you.