[sjkero]

my t always tells me i can call her if i need to, but i don't think i ever will even though i crave it sometimes and think about it a lot. and that makes me so mad at myself. here's why:

- i tell myself i need a really good reason to call (life or death, i'm crying, etc.), even though she assures me otherwise. i feel like there's a fine line, and truthfully i know that the majority of things i'd call her about are really not important or serious (even though i wish they were so i wouldn't feel so hesitant).
- my urges to call don't always happen during the daytime. and it's not like i am going to call her at 11pm.
- i don't know how she typically handles phone calls, i.e. gives words of wisdom for 2 mins, or talks for 20 mins- and i'd feel like every minute i keep her on the phone is a minute too long.
- i wouldn't have the slightest CLUE as to how to start the conversation. as soon as she would say "hello?" i'd freeze... what would i say?? i feel like i'd have to choose my first few words wisely so she wouldn't think i need to have an hour-long conversation, and i'd need to convince her somehow that whatever i needed to talk to her about couldn't wait until the next session.
- truth is, sometimes i feel like i just want to connect, and so i'd start inventing reasons to call her and it would just snowball.

eeek.

I call my T from time to time, but I definitely reserve calls after hours to emergencies. If it can wait to the next day, that is what I do. He has no problem talking to me after hours in an emergency. Our conversations have ranged from a few minutes to over an hour. But I know my T well enough to know that if I called him after hours without it being a strong reason, he'd let me know that I need to use my coping skills better to get through the discomfort and call him when he's at work the next day. I don't have a problem with that. That is just good boundaries.

You have to base your decision to call your T on whatever boundaries your T has set up with you. They are all a bit different.

[roadtrip]

It can be scary to take what we want form folks even if they offer it to us.

I had some of the struggles that you have. Through calling my T I learned how to start the conversation and what paramiters worked for both of us regarding calls between session. It is about what they will do but is also about what you want. T had boundaries in place AND I have needs. Sometimes it requires 2 mins sometimes more. Of course you can't make someone be available to you I am saying that it is important to think of what you want too AND allow youself to get it.

Also over a long time I have learned that I can get attention from T without being in a crises by saying I just wanted to touch base with you are we still meeting at XYZ time and day. sometimes I'd ask T a basic question then say that really I am just checking in.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by sjkero

my t always tells me i can call her if i need to, but i don't think i ever will even though i crave it sometimes and think about it a lot. and that makes me so mad at myself. here's why:

- i tell myself i need a really good reason to call (life or death, i'm crying, etc.), even though she assures me otherwise. i feel like there's a fine line, and truthfully i know that the majority of things i'd call her about are really not important or serious (even though i wish they were so i wouldn't feel so hesitant).
- my urges to call don't always happen during the daytime. and it's not like i am going to call her at 11pm.
- i don't know how she typically handles phone calls, i.e. gives words of wisdom for 2 mins, or talks for 20 mins- and i'd feel like every minute i keep her on the phone is a minute too long.
- i wouldn't have the slightest CLUE as to how to start the conversation. as soon as she would say "hello?" i'd freeze... what would i say?? i feel like i'd have to choose my first few words wisely so she wouldn't think i need to have an hour-long conversation, and i'd need to convince her somehow that whatever i needed to talk to her about couldn't wait until the next session.
- truth is, sometimes i feel like i just want to connect, and so i'd start inventing reasons to call her and it would just snowball.

eeek.

It's perfectly fine to call and say you just wanted to connect with her.
She offered, so she is comfortable with the limits and boundaries she has set for phone calls.
I told my therapist that I was afraid of calling 'too much' or for a not 'good enough' reason. She said any reason is fine and if she felt I was calling "too much", we would talk about it. All of that she said with such kindness. I'm glad I can leave that to her. I can leave a message on her office phone at any time. At times, I have just listened to her recorded message and that's helped. She also gives her cell phone number for a call that is urgent, although she makes no promises to be available by cell and advises to call 9-1-1 if it is an emergency.

I think it would be really helpful for you and her to talk about all the things you posted here about phone calls. It would feel good to know if she has a recording after hours, or the latest you can call if she doesn't, and good for her to know how you feel about calling.

[sjkero]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I told my therapist that I was afraid of calling 'too much' or for a not 'good enough' reason. She said any reason is fine and if she felt I was calling "too much", we would talk about it. All of that she said with such kindness. I'm glad I can leave that to her. I can leave a message on her office phone at any time. At times, I have just listened to her recorded message and that's helped..

i would love if my t had an office phone with an answering machine so that i could just listen to her voice. i really think that would help me! the problem is, she only uses her cell number (it's the only number she gives out- i dont even know if she has an office phone... she has her own private practice). i would just die knowing she might answer. and, i could never get away with calling when i know she is busy (in session or something) to listen to her voicemail recording because she'd know i called. ughhhh

I struggeled with this a lot in the beginning, then one day I've just became okay with texting or calling T. I used to never think my reason was good enough, but T always told me if I needed to call or text, I could and that she rather me reach out then not reach out. However, lately, I find reasons just to text and connect, and I feel like it got to be too much, so I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore. But, if your T offers the service, then you can use it, and if it gets to be too much, your T will talk to you about it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I call my T from time to time, but I definitely reserve calls after hours to emergencies. If it can wait to the next day, that is what I do. He has no problem talking to me after hours in an emergency.

When your soul is going through the wringer, it's not so easy to decide what is and is not an emergency.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

When your soul is going through the wringer, it's not so easy to decide what is and is not an emergency.

Maybe. I've never had much trouble distinguishing when I'm in an emergent state. For me, an emergency is either when I'm experiencing constant recurring flashbacks, or more commonly, when I'm hearing voices and am actively suicidal. That's pretty cut and dried. Pretty much anything else can be managed until business hours. But obviously that will vary from person to person. It helps to really have a talk with your T about what warrants after hours contact. Some T's will say call no matter what the reason; others have different boundaries about that.

[mixedup_emotions]

There have been times when my T has told me that I could call him....especially when we've had a particularly intense session....and I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I tend to email instead, because I get wayyyy too anxious at the idea of calling.

There was one time, though, that I was very, very sick....and sunk into a major depression....and I needed T. I tried calling T...and hung up...I couldn't bring myself to do it.....I then emailed T saying that I needed him to call me....and he did. I could barely speak...but he spoke, and it was what I needed....He really wanted to be there for me...and he was.

But I know how hard it is to pick up the phone and call.....

I struggle with this as well, and I tend not to call unless I feel I have no other option -- ie it really is an emergency at least inside my head. Once, after my T met with me and my husband, he told me at the next session that he really wished that I had called him during the week between visits to discuss the meeting with my husband. T said he was DYING to talk to me too and had a hard time waiting until our appointment to discuss it. I was like, really??? I was DYING to talk to you, but felt stupid and needy. I asked him why he didn't just call me, but he said that he doesn't call clients in those circumstances because the contact would be about meeting his need to talk about it and not mine. I've told him several times since then that I would love it if he would call ME, but he never does.