A lot happened in T yesterday....

*** POSSIBLE TRIGGER ***

I was so uncomfortable with the idea of bringing up my email when I had that meltdown....but I did. We started talking about my feelings about the email....

And then it led to how I have so much negative self-talk....my internal critic puts me down SO often....and T explained to me how it may sound like my voice, but what I'm saying doesn't fit. It's what's been told to me before, that has become ingrained in me....and that I need to recognize it as such.

I told him that I wish I didn't get so panicky. He wanted us to try to work through a panicky feeling, to find the root - and once the root is found and put in its place, the panicky feeling would dissipate - but I wasn't feeling it at that moment. He suggested we create some....I told him that all I had to do was put my back to a window or door, and I get panicky.

I looked at the door, realizing it was SHUT (which it always is)...and I immediately felt triggered and panicky....I had SUCH a hard time working through that....I told him that I felt stupid and that it's ridiculous for me to be triggered like that....

After a lot of him talking and suggesting....it all boiled down to....It is not stupid or ridiculous...it's perfectly reasonable for me to have that kind of reaction as it's a reminder of some really awful things...AND it's not stupid, it's just embarrassing.

At the end of the session, T reassured me that he is never hurt or offended by any of my work that may involve him - whether it's a dream I had, or something he said or wrote, or anything. It's my work, and he's glad to be a part of it even if "he's stimulated in an unpleasant way".

OUCH.....

I never thought in a million years that my triggers would have an unpleasant affect on him.....and even though he was trying to reassure me that it's OK to go there and to feel those things, he's not hurt or offended....it was like a kick in the gut.

I told T that I do not feel unsafe with him. He asked, "Would you have this same reaction with the door closed if you were at home?"....I responded, "Sometimes".....

T felt as though we accomplished a lot...but I'm having a really hard time with this new information. Which - again - to me is ridiculous because he said it in the context of trying to let me give myself permission to go there....and that he is in no way harmed by any of it....

So why am I having such a hard time with this?

Blech. Therapy is hard.

Is it possible that by "stimulated in an unpleasant way" he was referring to the fact that he cares about you and that it is challenging to sit and watch you suffer? Therapists seem like very caring people, I imagine it's difficult to experience the pain that they witness.

big hugs to you. It sounds like you had a very productive session.

"he's stimulated in an unpleasant way".

ok this would have bothered me me too...maybe if he had just said..look some of your stuff bugs the crap out of me...it would have been better (doubt it but..i would be really stressed if my t said this to me. so you are not alone on this one.

what do i do that bugs you? what type of reaction?
MY reaction to this statement would be to totally close up & say nothing...because while i want honestly i also want to know what it is i do that bothers you so i can fix it.

gotta tell you that statement just really irks me...or i guess stimulates me in a majorly unpleasant way...to use his words.

did he actually say that this was affecting him in a negative way or was he just kind of letting you know that you didn't need to take care of him and that even if something did affect him negatively that it was OK and that he even welcomed this as a way to work thing out with you together.i think he was trying to reassure you and your habit of thinking about things negatively may have gotten in the way and not allowed this to happen.

therapy is so hard and we read so much into things at times it seems almost imposable.keep moving forward MUE i think you are amazingly brave to share the things that you do.

You took a really big step! He actually handled it well, although I do understand your reaction! But he is right, you accomplished a lot.

Agreed!

Therapy is so hard and I am nervously anticipating my session Thursday. I keep trying to imagine myself looking my T in the eye and saying really hard stuff (even though when I practiced with hubby by reading the email I sent my T to him, I couldn't look him in the eye).

Good work MUE!!

Are you feeling better about his comment?

I wouldn't like to hear this either, but I think he just chose an awkward wording. Like if he had said, "sometimes I feel triggered by your stuff too", it wouldn't have sounded so bad. Maybe you can bring this comment up at your next session and he can have a chance to explain further. He might choose words that aren't quite so awkward or just the discussion itself might allay some of your reaction.

MUE I can totally relate to that inner critic stuff so much. I have had to work really hard at not using the words like stupid or rediculous(i know theres morefor me but im blanking out at the moment) to describe the situation or experience, my reaction, etc. often when Im talking about something that would bring those words out i try to use words like difficult or unpleasant. I also learned to accept my experiences as part of my learning curve to who I am and or want to be. Hope this helps.

It sounds like you had a really good - although difficult - session. It took a lot of effort on your part, and you should feel good about yourself. But now you're focusing on one aspect of the whole thing that you feel is negative! Yes, you're right to try to work out this one comment, but I hope you see that your "internal critic" is hard at work here trying to overshadow feeling good about yourself, and what you accomplished.

We follow these internal scripts we have, that were written years ago, and they are SO TOUGH to rewrite!!! But the more we recognize them, the easier it is to see that them for what they are - learned behavior that can be changed.

I hope you try to focus more on what you accomplished, and how you're getting stronger, and learn that it's OK to feel good about yourself.

Thanks, everyone, for your feedback and support. (( HUGS ))

I am still feeling awful about the comment...but it was an eye-opener to me to see how I am allowing that one comment to overshadow the good work that was done during the session. Thank you for helping me see that.

I do believe I need to talk to T about that comment....not just for him to clarify, but perhaps to also help me learn how to see the overall picture and not just hone in on one thing and let that one thing eat away at me....

It's embarrassing to realize all the things I do to hurt myself....but it's so instinctive.... *sigh*

Thanks again, everyone. Your support is amazing.

UGH.

T had asked me at the end of the session to do some writing about the session, because he wasn't sure I would remember it all - and a lot of work was done. I tried to do that, but I kept getting SO stuck at the "unpleasant" part....

Blech.

So, I emailed T, telling him that I've been trying to reflect on the session but keep getting stuck on the idea of it being "unpleasant" for him which has me feeling awful...and then my mind runs wild with that, which takes away from whatever work we did. And that we can talk about it on Thursday. (This way, I'm held accountable for it...otherwise, I tend to just bury it."

He responded saying, "Try to play out the entire session instead of getting stuck on one part"....



Yeah, umm, duh. Whatever.