[REEG]

I've just been reading PC these days, that's been helpful. Thanks all
I have been working on setting limits with an aunt who CSA'ed. It's been 20 year project, and the sad part is I have had to cut down contact with my Grandpa for it to happen. The "last frontier" has been letters she sends. I have sent them back, held onto them and agonized about opening them, just ripped them open, opened them with T, etc.. Her newest twist is to send the Xmas card to Dad's address, he then brought it to me.
So after letting it sit for a day, I opened it at night- bad idea (and predictably had a losuy day). Then I brought the card to T, and we talked about what was hard. I didn't read it word for word to T, as I have in the past. But as I talked about it, what was tough was that she was putting away money for my daughter for college. There were two Christmas checks, one for both of us. And before I knew it I was a crying mess. She helped me to see that the feelings were so big because they aren't about now, but in the past. And we talked about how I can choose what to do, and I don't have to take the money. I AM protecting my daughter, and she has never been alone with her. And together, we decided to shred the Card and the checks.
So I've been all over the place about this. Christmas was the one time I didn't get exposed to her abuse, and I set a limit, so I expected to feel better. But I feel awful.
T did talk to me briefly on Thursday- she even had to call me 2X because of cell coverage. We talked about a few things that had just happened, and she pointed out I was doing MUCH better than in the past. (Very true). It helped.
So I have waves of feeling lousy, but it's not crisis mode. I see T again on Tuesday, and am trying to distract myself until then. Works sometimes.
Just feeling a bit sad and confused and wanted to put it out there

[WePow]

Big hugs to you!!!! That is so wrong when relatives harm a child and it leaves us in pain over holidays. Big hugs to you!!!

[REEG]

Thanks, WePow. You really put the focus where it belongs, I think. Hard to do that sometimes. That simple phrase is something to hold on to today. I'm off to buy cut cookies- cheating a little this year, we will just have to bake and decorate. The kids will still enjoy it, though.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by REEG

Thanks, WePow. You really put the focus where it belongs, I think. Hard to do that sometimes. That simple phrase is something to hold on to today.

just what I was thinking! so thankful for no bad mail this year, no bad last minute phonecalls.

[REEG]

Glad to hear that, Hankster!
I got outside and shoveled and walked to get the cookies- it was so sunny, the little bit of snow we have will probably be gone soon. So I'm alone until our present opening tonight, going to stretch out the Christmas tasks, that should help. And when my mind keeps looping on that old nasty stuff, I'm going to say to myself 'its so wrong for a relative to harm a child'. And try and get back to now.
So even though I don't feel empowered or strong - just a whole lot of yuck- when I think of the letter, I have been trying to turn my mind to it being shredded. She can't get to me or my girl.

The part about shredding the checks really struck me. I remember an essay by Catherine MacKinnon (who has written many things in the area of feminist jurisprudence), where she wrote about the Playboy Foundation and their willingness to fund research on the harms caused by pornography. Seems a little odd, no, like Hershey's funding diabetes research? But her objection to feminists taking Playboy's money was not rooted in the idea that their money was "dirty". Rather, she thought that people were deluding themselves if they thought that the money could actually undercut the power and legitimacy of that social institution. Instead, she argued, you really become part of the institution and the legitimizing of it.

Maybe this is a strange analogy, but I think that when you shredded her checks, and less symbolically-- the way you protect your child-- you also shredded the last of the power she holds over you.

Anne

[REEG]

Anne- thank you SO much for the post.
Her money has always had strings. By not taking her money, she loses her power.
I get the concept, but don't feel it. I think this is one of those instances where the behavior comes first and the feelings may follow...
I got to see Andrea Dworkin speak about ten years ago, she really was inspiring. I know I read some brief articles by MaKinnon back in my undergrad feminist studies classes. Anything you'd reccomend for a layperson?

[roads]

Originally Posted by REEG

Her money has always had strings. By not taking her money, she loses her power.

This is a huge step. I'm so happy for you!

Reeg-- thanks for saying thanks. I considered that it might be too weird to be somehow useful.

And I identify with the money having strings attached issue from a perpetrator. Money has ties that bind.

I have seen Dworkin speak as well-- she is amazing. I hope to see MacKinnon speak one day, I hear she is incredible.

Her book, Sexual Harassment of Working Women, is incredible. It is also the foundation of the federal law that sexual harassment is sex discrimination. I think you'd enjoy reading it.

Best, Anne

[kaliope]

REEG
My dad was perpetrator of childhood abuse that led to ptsd. several years ago i became flooded with the memories bad enough to end me up hospitalized against my will. i ended up writing him a letter outlining the abuse and the damage it caused me in my life. i told him i wanted no futher contact with him and if he loved me he would respect this. i have pretty much cut off contact with my whole family of origin for the sake of my mental health. My ptsd symptoms have improved greatly after I made this break. Have you asked your aunt to cease contact? Asked your father not to forward her attempts to contact you? I can understand how traumatic these contacts are for you. Are you able to throw away the letters without reading them? I am sorry you are having to go thru this. Just remember - there is no excuse for abuse!

Hang in there.

[REEG]

Anne- not weird at all, your response really got me thinking in a new way. I knew MacKinnon was influential, this website really helped me see the breadth of her work: http://www.cddc.vt.edu/feminism/mackinnon.html

It's been a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with my aunt's abuse, because I do consider myself a feminist. And as much as feminism has done to forward our understanding of sexual abuse, I think it has also strengthened the myth that women aren't perpitrators. It's hard to find much of anything out there about women who sexually abuse children, and it can leave one feeling very isolated.
I think, in my aunt's case, traditional gender norms,a chilhood seeped in rural poverty and teachings of the conservative Lutheran church combined with her own pathology in some very twisted ways. Because she had no healthy outlets, she turned on young children

[REEG]

Kaliope- thank you for sharing your story. I have found too that as I have reduced contact I am more even keeled. That's been a long process for me, first cutting off phone calls, then not going into her home, then not visiting... And it has meant cutting off other family contact, not at all easy.
I have at times not opened the letters. I have talked with my Dad and asked him to stop asking me to call and see her. This move to send letters to my Dad is new. I'd like to be at the point where I never open another letter, but when I set them aside, it often seems they take on a 'larger than life' spot in my life. Hopefully this will be something I can do soon.

[unaluna]

The last time I got a letter, I immediately put it in my backpack, unopened, to take to my next T session, and I experienced a completely unexpected surge of joy and a feeling of lightness! If I were a believer I would have said I was filled with grace, it was THAT distinct. I may have to give this another thought! Maybe just the idea that T would protect me? That she could TRY to enter my space, invade my boundaries, but my holding firm - well, SOMEBODY inside was really really happy. I almost had to sit down.

[REEG]

Awesome, Hankster. I'm glad you had that experience, and that it was helpful to you. It sounds very powerful.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

The part about shredding the checks really struck me.

...

Maybe this is a strange analogy, but I think that when you shredded her checks, and less symbolically-- the way you protect your child-- you also shredded the last of the power she holds over you.

Anne

That's one way to look at. If it's "hush money", then of course you shouldn't take it. But what if you think of it as "compensation"? Is that possible?

If I'm wrong, please remember: I'm only naive and inexperienced. I'm not condoning anything the aunt has done.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That's one way to look at. If it's "hush money", then of course you shouldn't take it. But what if you think of it as "compensation"? Is that possible?

all I can think of is that taking money from a perpetrator as compensation would make me feel like a prostitute. And that there is really no monetary amount that would ever "compensate" for the harm done by CSA.

But I think that the general idea was that it is not possible to take money for any reason, as the act of taking it reaffirms the power the abuser has, or somehow otherwise legitimizes the power of the perpetrator.

Anne

[REEG]

But I think that the general idea was that it is not possible to take money for any reason, as the act of taking it reaffirms the power the abuser has, or somehow otherwise legitimizes the power of the perpetrator.

Anne[/QUOTE]

Yes! This sums it up nicely. Money was always part of the deal. As a kid both my sister and I got monthly checks, although only I was abused. It was never a large amount, she worked as a kindergarten teacher. I recently found out she has told others she 'supported' us and. 'Put us through college'. Not true! Over the years I have done various things with the money- sqaundered it, saved it, used it for therapy, given it away to people panhandling, given it to various progressive charities in HER name that I deeply belive in and she does not, used it for basic expenses, even and sent the checks back. All I can say is that I do getting to the point of shredding the checks was symbolic.
Posting about this on PC has helped similarly to how T helps me, I think. It's made the experience manageable by putting it into words. It then ceases to be about overwhelming feelings that can't even be named and instead moves to something I can deal with and move on. Thanks to all who have been reading and posting.

[unaluna]

I never felt better than when I stopped taking monetary gifts from my mother. I should have stopped many years before I did. It was a ridiculous charade (please pronounce as shah-ROD).

[REEG]

Hankster, glad to hear that helped! So my 15 year old girl is figuring out how to navigate her own bio family drama today. She's doing really well given the hand she has been dealt. And I'm SO proud of her- she gives me the push to get my own stuff together so I can keep up with her!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by REEG

Over the years I have done various things with the money- sqaundered it, saved it, used it for therapy, given it away to people panhandling, given it to various progressive charities in HER name that I deeply belive in and she does not.

I like this one a lot!

[REEG]

Can't Explain- I can't deny it, that DID give me a lot of fun for a while! ;-).