[bluemountains]

As my t appointment gets closer (Friday) I know I need to discuss the fact that my honesty is in question with both doctors, family and psychologist. I am finally having to deal with my addictive personality, and I know that both doctors question whether I am being honest.(I have been!) Anyway, the psychologist is working with me to help get stabilized because she knows that I want to avoid the psychiatrist, if at all possible. I am not afraid of the psychiatrist, it is just that I spend so much time at appointments for me and my children that I can't fit another one in, and as long as I am on the popular drugs, the family doctor is willing to prescribe.
Anyway, last t visit, the psych. was trying to help me lower hypomanic state (no sleeping) by having me change dosages of AD meds. I put in a request with my family doctor, but she had her nurse call me three times with questions before she was willing to change the prescriptions.
The last T visit, I admitted to my psych that I was using codeine to sleep along with about a bottle of wine. She asked me to give up the codeine, but I couldn't make that promise to her. She appeared to be very unsettled by the fact that I refused to make that promise, but I don't like to promise anything unless I can deliver. Btw, I only took it one more night before I got a prescription for trazodone, which is working, but I am still drinking a bottle of wine+ per night.
Now I have my t appointment on Friday and I will have to admit to the psych that my doc doesn't trust me with med requests, and I am sure that she will not be surprised. I guess that I will have to have the request made directly from the psych now.
Sorry I am rambling, but I think I am disappointed in myself in that I have not made any changes this week to indicate that I am progressing. As a matter of fact, I drank more and exercised hardly at all, the opposite of what I am supposed to do. Also, I have torn out pages in my journal in order to avoid sharing these during therapy. I did exercise today, and I am trying to get on the right track before Friday, but I am so disappointed that, for some reason, I seem to be sabotaging my progress. I am not a child, I am fifty years old, so I should be able to act accordingly. I am very hypomanic now, not an excuse, but usually during this time I am more wreckless with my behavior.
Thanks for reading!
Bluemountains

[ECHOES]

From how you describe what you are going through, and knowing that psychiatrists are medication experts, I hope you can find a way to fit a visit to the psychiatrist who has much more expertise than a family doctor when it comes to helpful meds and effective med dosages.

You are being honest and I think your therapist appreciates that.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I think my honesty is in question with doc and t

What do your doctor and therapist think you are being dishonest about?

Originally Posted by bluemountains

Also, I have torn out pages in my journal in order to avoid sharing these during therapy.

Could you just keep your journal private? (I don't share mine with my T.) If you don't share your journal, then you won't have to rip out pages... I think many of us need a place we can write down personal and private things.

Good luck with your exercise program. I'm struggling to stick to mine too. And way to go to stop taking the codeine! Sounds like you're taking some steps toward better health.

[roads]

I don't think the concern is so much your honesty with your doctors as with yourself. You mention your addictive personality, but it's your addiction that's at the heart of the problem.

I got a prescription for trazodone, which is working, but I am still drinking a bottle of wine+ per night.

This alone ought to raise red flags for most MDs & I suspect will with the majority of pdocs. The alcohol intake level is at an alarming level. I'm not sure how long your alcohol use has been at this level, but you may have an alcohol addiction that will have to be dealt with before anything can be done about psych meds.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I really hope you'll make whatever arrangements you need to make so that you can see the psychiatrist & find out what you need to get your life & health back on track. Those children you mentioned need you!

[elliemay]

It is hard to sleep when you are approaching mania. Ironically, that is the very thing you need to do!

Honestly, I've taken trazadone for sleep and I do not see how you stay remotely conscious with the wine and the trazadone. From my personal experience, I know I would feel absolutely terrible the next day with that combo on board.

The wine is also very likely promoting the mania, as rebound hyperexcitability from alcohol is a well known side effect.

I definitely say give the trazadone a chance on its own. I know it was a sleep bomb for me.

Congrats! on giving up the codeine. After awhile, there is really are diminishing returns with the opiates.

Any health care provider is going to have a pause in prescribing or changing anything for a person in your situation. They could do some serious damage, and hesitation on their part is the most prudent course of action to take.

Look, we all do the best we can given our current circumstances. All you can do is get up tomorrow morning and try again. As long as you have that try in you one day you will make it. Yesterday is over, today is a new opportunity for growth and change.

Originally Posted by bluemountains

but I am so disappointed that, for some reason, I seem to be sabotaging my progress. I am not a child, I am fifty years old, so I should be able to act accordingly.

Addiction is a disease, and that is something that it was REALLY hard for me to grasp for a long time. I woke up every day thinking "today will be different" and by the end of the day, there I was, drinking another bottle of wine and telling myself "TOMORROW will be different". I felt ashamed and discouraged and confused. I couldn't find my way out, despite so many good intentions.

For me, I really had to deal with the addiction before I could deal with anything else. I decided to try a 12 step program because I was desperate and really didn't understand why I couldn't stop. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I didn't want that for my boys, at all, so I was willing to try anything.

That was almost 8 years ago, and I'm still sober. I've had problems along the way with other things (painkillers) that I had to deal with, and it's been hard work, but I have the tools I need now to live life the way I want to live it. I don't miss the years of wondering why I couldn't stop, despite being an intelligent, determined person who really WANTED to stop. Life is so much better now.

That is MY experience and you will find your own way...but I wanted to share in case it helped in any way.

[bluemountains]

Thanks for your input.

What do your doctor and therapist think you are being dishonest about?
Upon reflection, I should probably think of this more as my personal disappointment in the fact that both docs have to be very thorough in treatment because in certain states I am so irrational. For example, a couple of months ago I decided I was going to change several of my meds, not just ad meds, and these changes could have resulted in serious consequences.

Could you just keep your journal private?
I actually am keeping the journal at t's request as a component of CBT treatment. I do not like to journal my personal thoughts, and in the past I have immediately destroyed anything I have written that is of a personal nature.

This alone ought to raise red flags for most MDs & I suspect will with the majority of pdocs. The alcohol intake level is at an alarming level. I'm not sure how long your alcohol use has been at this level, but you may have an alcohol addiction that will have to be dealt with before anything can be done about psych meds.
Yes, RR, I agree. I am not sure that I am ready yet for this step. Normally I don't drink so much, and for a while I couldn't drink at all after my last med change, but finally I adjusted to the meds and started drinking again. Normally, in any given week I only drink 2-3 bottles in an entire week, but I also will drink whatever wine is available, and I stocked up for the holidays. It is all gone now, so I only need to avoid my two favorite stores. As for a psychiatrist visit, I have to take my son today for a visit, and I will question how much time I will have to invest in order to get reevaluated. Last time I went through this it was so time consuming, and here I am 10 years later with new diagnoses after being evaluated by the clinical psych. By the way, I have dealt with 4 different psychiatrists for either my son or myself, and I have yet to find one that I am completely satisfied with concerning med prescriptions. My son has spent the last 5 months on zoloft and then lexapro, and his symptoms are not any better. There will be a new psych today, so maybe this one will listen.

I am going to write in my journal now the requested information, but I am also going to put at the top the mantra that you all have reminded that I need to follow: One day at a time!
Thanks!
Bluemountains

[skeksi]

Your doctors are concerned because it is easier to help you when you are honest with them and yourself. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, which is why you are doing these things, and then you feel so ashamed for how you are trying to cope. I know how hard it is to turn away from the "bad" coping techniques to use the talk and medication therapy instead. {{{bluemountains}}}

I will say, even though you probably already know it, that mixing Trazodone and alcohol can be dangerous. Most people are warned to limit or eliminate alcohol altogether when taking Trazodone.

Be safe today!

[bluemountains]

Originally Posted by skeksi

Your doctors are concerned because it is easier to help you when you are honest with them and yourself. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, which is why you are doing these things, and then you feel so ashamed for how you are trying to cope. I know how hard it is to turn away from the "bad" coping techniques to use the talk and medication therapy instead. {{{bluemountains}}}

I will say, even though you probably already know it, that mixing Trazodone and alcohol can be dangerous. Most people are warned to limit or eliminate alcohol altogether when taking Trazodone.

Be safe today!

Thanks, skeksi, everything you have said is exactly right. I did go and research the trazodone/alcohol combination, and I am definitely out of control with this. It makes me shaky now even typing about it.

I hope to be strong enough to send my t an email letting her know that I need to confront my actions these past days. If I don't email her, I am concerned that I will change my mind before Friday. It is kind of sad, because as I reread my posts and the responses, I realize that I am on shaky ground right now. I have been so angry about my med changes, and the cycling that has seemed to become more rapid, that I am pretty dumb these days.

I'll post when I get brave enough to send the email.

Bluemountains

[bluemountains]

Okay, I haven't emailed my t, but I did make an appt. with my doctor.

I have to keep tabs of my blood pressure and blood sugars. Both are up. I am wondering if the bp is up because of recent med changes, but it really scared me that I've made about a 20 point jump on top and 10 on the bottom. The blood sugar increases are probably due to the recent wine diet along with more desserts than usual.

Also, I checked with the psychiatrist's office, and I can be reevaluated in one intensive appt. which takes about 2 hours. This group does a complete physical and mental exam before prescribing. Where I live it is pretty common to have the family dr. maintain the prescriptions with the psychiatrist's communication. I am aiming for this appt. possibly during my next teaching break in April if my doc doesn't want me to go sooner. Time off from work is very tough with all of the appts. required with myself and four children.

Okay, I haven't sent the email yet, and that's the biggest obstacle. I will be at her office in a few minutes to take my son to his t appointment. Maybe I'll give a note to the son's t in order to have her deliver it. This way, there will be no turning back.

Again, thanks everyone for helping me to see that I am crazier than I thought right now.

Bluemountains

[CantExplain]

It is a sad fact of life that many addicts (and other patients too) do tell lies. Health workers have to regard all addicts with suspicion - the rules and even the law may require them to do so.