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#1
Dec 30, 2011, 04:35 PM
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i've been keeping super busy lately but whenever i stop and sit down everything inside becomes this big twisted distressed mess. i feel like i should know how to get out of this but i can't remember.
t has been away for about a week. i had to look it up on the calendar. actually thought it had been about a month so far. and still have another 5 weeks til i see him. and i can't remember him at all. and its like i want nothing more to do with him and REALLY do not want to go back ever and just want to cancel all my future booked sessions. i really don't like at all what we've been working on. and it's like he's just being pushed RIGHT away FAR away which is fine by me. but it's like i'm also being pushed away. pushed away from myself. i have no idea how to stop that. and things are just really distressed as soon as i slow down a little and it's like i know i'm supposed to be doing things to help them, but i don't know what and don't know how and can't get anywhere near them anyway. im just so confused and don't know what to do about it all. i feel like no ones going to understand this at all. i don't feel human. posting will be a mistake. i just don't know what else to do.
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He said that we can email as MUCH as we want (100 times per day). Believe in this - it is challenging fears about being punished. It is okay to be seen. You are not a nuisance. "Too much" simply means exploration, not punishment/withdrawal. Trust in him.  Not looking at him is about keeping aspects of self hidden/secret. We know that is not the healthy choice. Keep working on this - you will get there.  Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them. Working with parts and feelings is the key to happiness. We have been happy before when listened to them and accepted them and were open to feelings. Write in your journal - it is safe to do so. 
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 Anonymous33425, gimmeice, JustWannaDisappear, pbutton
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 Kiya
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#2
Dec 30, 2011, 04:39 PM
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Quote:
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Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
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#3
Dec 30, 2011, 04:46 PM
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(((((( dinosaur )))))))))
Breaks from T can be hard and it seems like time just crawls by especially on long breaks. I have had the feelings before about never wanting to go back, it is always worth exploring those kinds of feelings to see how you could improve the therapy experience. The feeling of losing yourself is awful, have you tried doing things you enjoy? Even if you are just going through the motions at first it may help.
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 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#4
Dec 30, 2011, 04:57 PM
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I know these thoughts and feelings - I don't know how to solve it and so can't offer any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you have written.
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Soup |
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#5
Dec 30, 2011, 06:49 PM
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((((((((((Dino)))))))))
I'm so sorry your T is gone for so long. That is a really long time. I hope that the rest of the time he is gone goes quickly. Remember that you get to go see your little guys. Hopefully that is a good distraction. I hope you fee better soon. 
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| dinosaurs
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#6
Dec 30, 2011, 07:21 PM
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I am sorry the t will be away so long. It may be less upon your mind as time goes by. I write to people when they are gone(i do not send it to them) the things i think to tell them at the end of each day like a conversation.
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#7
Dec 31, 2011, 03:04 AM
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i'm pretty sure i got the 5 weeks wrong but can't seem to work out how long i actually have left til i see him. you'd think that would be easy to work out
  i've been keeping really busy with gardening which i've been really enjoying but as soon as i stop i feel like i fall apart. i'm allowed to email him but i have no idea what to say. it seems stupid to write and say i want nothing to do with you, please reply to me. i love you i hate you. go away come here. leave me alone i need you. leaves me feeling stupid and broken and miserable and lonely. doesn't help that my big new years eve consists of pc chat (until it empties) and frozen pizza. i feel like a loser and i still can't stand to be near myself i thought i was better at this by now 
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He said that we can email as MUCH as we want (100 times per day). Believe in this - it is challenging fears about being punished. It is okay to be seen. You are not a nuisance. "Too much" simply means exploration, not punishment/withdrawal. Trust in him. Not looking at him is about keeping aspects of self hidden/secret. We know that is not the healthy choice. Keep working on this - you will get there. Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them. Working with parts and feelings is the key to happiness. We have been happy before when listened to them and accepted them and were open to feelings. Write in your journal - it is safe to do so.
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| Anonymous200140, Anonymous37917
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#8
Dec 31, 2011, 04:26 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((DINO))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I enjoy spending time with you in chat. You could write your T and just say that you wanted to connect and was wondering if he could just let you know that he is still there. I've done that with phone calls before.
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| BonnieJean, dinosaurs
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#9
Dec 31, 2011, 10:08 AM
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Quote:
The next bit of your post made me smile - that is so how any e-mail from me to T would sound right now - love / hate, want / don't want, want to feel close / feel distant. I might even quote that last bit to T - "go away I need you" - that is so spot on. But maybe that would be an interesting e-mail to send to your T - it really highlights that internal struggle that you are battling right now. Yes maybe we do all know these things, but I also know I have all sorts of interesting books laying around my house - but I can never put my hand on them when I need them, yet absolutely know they are there somewhere - so maybe this is a case of brain misfiling, we know the stuff is there somewhere, but not in a form that we can easily use when we need it. New Years Eve here tonight on my own too - if only I had the confidence to go on to chat would join you for a round of auld lang syne - last bit advice is that frozen pizza would probably taste better cooked  . Take care - Soup
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Soup |
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#10
Dec 31, 2011, 02:25 PM
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"Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them."
At the moment, "distressed" is a part. Soothe it? I read comforting books when I am distressed, maybe go to bed with a book and get all warm and cozy and comfy. We don't have to "do" anything with our feelings; they come and go like the weather. When your T comes back, you will have different feelings than you do now, just like you had different feelings the beginning of December than you do now. We don't have to like what we are working on, no one likes to clean toilets but we do it anyway because we enjoy their being clean. We work on our problems in therapy because we want them to be solved, resolved, or instructive and helpful to us outside of therapy. It does not matter what the problem is, they all sometimes make a kind of "twisted, distressed mess" like tangled yarn or a knotted necklace chain. If the tangle you are working on now is unpleasant, try moving over and working on a different tangle. Go at the tangle from the other "end" or a different perspective. I hated feeling "stuck" in therapy so I would drop whatever was frustrating me and pick up one of the other, too many issues I had :-) Usually I was pleasantly surprised to find that working on any issue made working on the others later, easier.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
| dinosaurs, SoupDragon
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#11
Jan 01, 2012, 03:29 PM
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thanks for your responses. they all helped a lot and i feel a lot bet able to cope with the push/pull conflict between parts. and i also don't feel so lost within the parts which makes things a lot easier.
for those that work with "parts", there is an excellent new book "coping with trauma-related dissociation" by suzette boon, kathy steele and onno van der hart. it covers a lot of things other books don't (such as phobia of inner experience, phobia of both attachment and abandonment, how to cope with relaxation/free time, how to cope with loneliness). a lot of it is focused on how these kind of things are the result of conflicts between parts. one thing is doesn't cover is how to negotiate/communicate with parts about conflicts so both sides "win". i still have no idea how to do that (usually one wins and the other loses which is not what i want to see happen). anywho, thanks a lot for your help. i'm going to try emailing t now, except now that it's come time to, things are terrified inside 
__________________
He said that we can email as MUCH as we want (100 times per day). Believe in this - it is challenging fears about being punished. It is okay to be seen. You are not a nuisance. "Too much" simply means exploration, not punishment/withdrawal. Trust in him. Not looking at him is about keeping aspects of self hidden/secret. We know that is not the healthy choice. Keep working on this - you will get there. Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them. Working with parts and feelings is the key to happiness. We have been happy before when listened to them and accepted them and were open to feelings. Write in your journal - it is safe to do so.
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#12
Jan 01, 2012, 08:45 PM
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I pushed a button before i was done with my response and everything was erased.
 I didn't think i was making sense anyway. *sigh* Wishing you the best and hping time speeds up for you and to say that I do understand where you're coming from. take good care. Quote:
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#13
Jan 02, 2012, 02:27 AM
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Quote:
 lol it makes me giggle every time i read it 
__________________
He said that we can email as MUCH as we want (100 times per day). Believe in this - it is challenging fears about being punished. It is okay to be seen. You are not a nuisance. "Too much" simply means exploration, not punishment/withdrawal. Trust in him. Not looking at him is about keeping aspects of self hidden/secret. We know that is not the healthy choice. Keep working on this - you will get there. Accept there are parts. Be kind and gentle with them. Working with parts and feelings is the key to happiness. We have been happy before when listened to them and accepted them and were open to feelings. Write in your journal - it is safe to do so.
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#14
Jan 02, 2012, 09:34 AM
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wow 5 weeks is a long time.i am not seeing my T for about three weeks and i am freaking out.i think you are so brave and strong for being able to do thid even if you dont feel it right now
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
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#15
Jan 03, 2012, 11:59 PM
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((((((((((((((( dino )))))))))))))
__________________
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| dinosaurs
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