my relationship with t - ending: trigger for mention of SI

I have 5 sessions left with T and the only thing she wants to talk about is where/when our relationship went sour. This is the letter I just sent her. I'm so sick of this. Many of you know of my rocky relationship with t over the past 4 years - and for those who don't, you need not provide advice for how i can make this different it is what it is at this point and am ready to move forward. Thank you for reading , it is long.

Dear T,
OK... so I have some things to say that I'd like for you to be open to even though I feel they may be painful for you (I'm practicing my conflict management skills). I am doing this in writing where I can separate my emotions from what I need to say. I do not want to hurt you. You want me to be clear about where things got off. So I am working on providing insight for you.

Ok so another point of conflict for me that I might as well write because then I'll get all my points in is the irony of "whose term's we're on". You'd said a few weeks back that you felt everything was on my terms; how i wouldn't allow the things you wanted to do or how things wouldn't work or I'd tell you what triggered me and not to do it.
* it sounds to me that you felt impotent in your skills.
* I felt the exact opposite - that everything kept coming back to being about you rather than me.
* that in the very beginning I'd wanted you to take the reins but you'd said this is my therapy and that I need to take the lead.
* that when eventually i did try to take the lead, I was stymied at every turn.
* I'd already mentioned how I felt all my dreams you'd made about how you weren't good enough.
* The most often comment I can remember is "My skills don't work for you".
* I remember my most often thought was "Why is this about you??"
* I never said these things because the felt hurtful and I felt you were already on edge about your skills not being good enough.
* I remember often saying "Yes you're a good therapist", feeling like you were asking often for my approval and acceptance.
* I thought the point of therapy was to focus on the client, yet you said it was all about me like that's a bad thing. I felt it was mostly about you which was also a bad thing.
* As a one on the enneagram (which I still hate) I am in direct conflict with you as a 2. For me it is important that i am GOOD. That I do things well. It if comes between being perfect or right and being good, I will go for good. You as a 2 (and we've had this conversation before) find goodness in helping others. If you are not making a difference in someone's life it affects you directly. You'd said you'd like to think you're healthier and farther along than that. My experience is different. I see a lot of what you talk about with your dad and how he influenced you is still present today; overwork, striving to be everything for everyone. ANd I feel that counter-transference from you to me happened more often than transference from me to you.

This was all before and through the PNP deal. Yes I was angry at her. But I was angry at you because of these things:
* You'd said you take full responsibility because you made her take me on.
* You seemed genuinely upset that I would not release the topic, and it seemed to weigh on you heavily.
* What I needed from the PNP and from you was an acknowledgement that had she communicated with me, all could have been resolved. I didn't need or want YOU to take responsibility, I wanted HER to because it was she who dropped the ball - regardless of you making her take me.
* I was angry at you telling me "I will not allow this conversation any longer. I will only allow 15 more minutes for you to discuss this, and then we're putting is aside. If you feel you need to discuss it more, I will refer you out." It meant to me that you really weren't hearing me. Lisa dropped the ball and there was no sense of anyone understanding that. PNP admitted that she had in fact snapped at me. But that was irrelevant to me because it took her 1.5 weeks to even deign to talk to me in person rather than having the front desk being the middle man.
* as communication is Key to you, this upset me all the more.
Enough said on that. I don't want to address PNP again either.

I was also distressed when, much much later, you'd said that you 'would never dream to take full responsibility for PNP. Damn, there she is again. Because that completely contradicted your former statements to me.
* this upsets me because this is what my parents would do; say one thing then deny they said it.
* When I told you that, you'd tell me "Kiya I'm not your parents." Well (laughing here) no s ***! But stop doing what they do!
* you keep acting like I am doing transference to you of my parents. Having studied all this in college I am fairly certain i am NOT doing transference and it makes me angry that that is consistently your first argument.

Another thing was I got tired of the word games. We'd be talking about something and we wouldn't have the same understanding of the word's meaning.
* I'd try to point that out.
* You'd try to keep talking about the subject matter.
* I'd use an example to state why this wasn't working.
* You'd be confused and think I was then talking as if the example were true.

This is when I started brushing things 'under the rug'. Or shutting down.
* I had no idea that you thought my shutting down meant you and I had no theraputic relationship.
* I was terribly stung when you told me "Kiya I don't feel like I have a relationship with you". After 4 years - I was crushed.
* Before that you'd told me something about how I'm not being real with you. I was crushed. I don't say falsehoods as a general rule and I don't work on surface level. I felt then that you didn't know me after all this time.
* You'd later said "I feel like I don't know you - I know some of you, but not all of you". Again I was crushed. But with all this subtext going on, how could you know me when I kept shutting down because I didn't want to be in more pain.
* I also often felt a duty to you in staying with you. That if i left it would hurt you. I am very loyal to my people and you are certainly one of my people.

I felt my primary job was to keep explaining to you that yes you are a good person, a good therapist, your skill work, and that I've made progress. It was exhausting. It was also exhausting for me to keep repeating what skills i had gained. I felt like I was falling back into the world of my parents where nothing is real and nothing is what it seems.

This all sounds very negative and I don't want to leave you on that feeling. There are many things I am taking away from working with you that are GOOD. I have highlighted them on the soul collage card I have made for you. I just need to copy it.
Obviously there are good things or I wouldn't have returned weekly.

I am now clear that it is time that I move on and I am at peace with that - even though I may still cry and will cry on the last day because I get VERY attached to my people and hate it when cycles end. Books end. Friends move. Life changes. It is likely that you and I were never really a good fit but I am glad to have spent 4 years working with you. Some was bitter and painful and stung. But a lot was good and I liked the insights I got.
* I REALLY don't want to spend the next 5 sessions going over all this and looking at our relationship. It makes me miserable.
T
R
I
G
G
E
R

* I also didn't like that I told you I wanted to slit my wrists and you STILL wanted to talk about our relationship.
* Yet I couldn't turn away from you because "shutting down means we have no relationship" rather than "shutting down means I've hit a hard place and need more attention and sympathy and to be led out of that hard place slowly".

I guess in the end it's like a marriage and divorce; there's a lot of good, a lot of bad, and in the end I still love you and remember the good things I am taking away. I know you cared for me even though it didn't always feel like it. Sometimes i left angry and disillusioned by the whole thing. But I kept returning because *I* had a relationship with you, even if you felt you didn't with me. Yes now I'm crying. So now that emotions are flooding my reason, I'll stop writing. Please tell me we don't have to go over this the next 5 sessions. If we do i may have to pull your own line on you "I'll give you 15 more minutes to discuss this and then we're putting it aside. If you still feel you need to talk about it, I'm going to refer you out."
Please don't hate me. Kristin and Kiya

(((((((kiya)))))))))

You put a lot of thought and honesty into your letter to T. It seems like along with the good in your relationship, there was a lot of pain, and confusion, and misunderstandings...no wonder it was so exhausting!

I hope that writing it all down helps you find closure on your side. I know that when I am face to face with someone, my mind tends to go blank unless I have written, practiced, etc...particularly if there is any sort of conflict. It seems like you are really clear on exactly what T is asking you to be clear on..where the relationship went bad.

What a hard time for you!! Maybe looking at your T relationship honestly...the good and the bad...will make it easier to move on.

Sending so so so many hugs.

Wow. You are very honest and open. My heart goes out to you!

I'm so sorry, kiya & Kristin, that things have been so difficult for you in therapy. I'm glad you were honest and open about what you were feeling when writing this letter to your therapist. I can only hope that she can hear what you have said and respond to it in a way that is helpful and on some level, comforting. I don't think there is anything worse than a therapeutic relationship that has imploded . .. okay, I can . .. a childhood that imploded and was never made whole. Take care!

Thank you all. Yes I am feeling FREE and tons better than the past 2 days May this continue!
hugs

agreed. and then having a theraputic relationship implode makes it worse and continues the sense that 'I must be a bad person'. Which is why i keep trying so hard to be a GOOD person. I do try so hard.
Take care also.
Kiya

(((((Kiya))))

((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))

I hope you get what you need from your last sessions.

(((Kiya))) I'm very impressed that you could write this letter to T. It's open and honest to the point where I can feel your pain over it. I really hope T takes this how it was meant and doesn't turn it into a "poor me" contest. You've done the right thing and your sense of freedon tells you that.
Awesome!

kiya wow big changes! i really like how you can see what you need to do in your changing world and are taking steps to work through the changes. that is so healthy

you explained yourself really well in your letter. i'm soooo glad it makes you feel better. you're standing up for yourself in an assertive manner more healthy things

you talked about what you did NOT want the last 5 sessions to be about. i'm wondering if it would be worthwhile to write a second letter detailing what you DO want them to be about.

anywho, soooo nice to see you again and way to go girl!!! let us know how it goes

" i'm wondering if it would be worthwhile to write a second letter detailing what you DO want them to be about."

Good point, Dinos. thank you

Thank you all very much for your responses. It really helps to get such positive feedback and support when standing up to t YAY! It's taken at least 2 years of this going on for her to get this much response from me. I've been repeating myself so so so so many times that I am DONE! Hence the "15 more minutes" quote It is a good point that i need to know what I do want to focus on. Really, I think I should have just ended. But now I've scheduled these... I had been in crisis right up to when she still turned away from me back to her needs. Now I am just focused on the details of moving on.
I'd really like for us just to continue to do "therapy" -which I think we never did..... but maybe just as a week by week checking in about things to keep me on an even keel through my hardest month.
Hugs to all who want them

(((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))