I wrote a note for my t...

I know based on what the note contains, that some people will want to judge me, but please, don't respond negatively.

The note:
I know that I am not supposed to be journaling, but I felt really strongly this time that I needed to.
I have si'd at least twice because I am not handling life well. I hate myself for who I have become and what I have done to my family.
I am externalizing the pain by SI'ing. Obviously, not the most effective thing to do, but I am at a point that I cannot keep going the way I am. I don't want to exist this way.
4ish years ago, I had an abortion. I regret that choice and think of that baby every day of my life. I can't forgive myself for all the things I have done. I want it all to end.

I have caused so much pain to my family, and I deserve to feel their pain. The only way I can make that work is to SI. I need to feel the pain in the hope that someday, maybe I will forgive myself for all of the bad things i have done.

((((((((((((Nicole))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. You don't deserve more pain. Please be gentle with yourself. I hope that you talk to your T about this.

I wrote the note because I am more likely to hand it to her than to actually start talking about it on my own. I have a hard time, because I really do feel like I deserve to feel the pain that I have caused my family. They didn't deserve it, but I do.

I hope T is able to help you with all what you talk about in the note.

(((((Nicole)))))

I had one too a long time ago. A whole host of emotions have been connected to it for the last 17 years, even some I didn't know would be connected. I've worked through it a bit with T and have some way to go but it has bought some relief. I can feel your pain and know that it's eating you up inside. I really urge you to take that first step and show your T the note. It was hard for me to say because I found it hard to utter the 'A' word but I somehow managed to get it out. Sorry to go on about me, I just know how you're feeling. Keep safe, sending you strength and hugs.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can feel the pain in your note.

I remember, I thought you were going to reveal this a few months ago, but then you didn't. We never know how we are going to react until we are actually in the situation. I would always think, oh there are other options, but as soon as I was a few days late, I would be flipping thru the Yellow Pages under A. Now, as I have come to realize how afraid I have always been of my own mother, and of the times she did put my life in danger, it almost feels like an alter has always been in very tight charge of birth contol, ruling with an iron hand - no kids allowed. I never even considered letting it happen. As they don't say, No mistakes were made. Thank you for sharing this here, nic.

((((((((Nicole)))))))))

I hope sharing with your T brings some relief. As hard as it is for me to believe or comprehend, EVERY time I bring something out of the darkness and into the light, it gets easier, and lessens its grip on me.

No judgment here.

I think many of us-- and by us I mean women who grew up in complicated circumstances-- could have written this note at some point in our lives or we were just a hair's distance away from having these same experiences.

It's brave of you to face this and I very much agree with tree, who said it beautifully.

Anne

Nicole, I am so sorry for you pain. I so hope you are able to share this with your T and get some relief.

SI, while perhaps not the way we would like to handle things, does serve a purpose and it does work. Forgive yourself for using a tool to keep yourself safer, even while trying to learn to use better tools.

Mistakes are never bad. We cannot learn and grow unless we make mistakes; as the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert".

The pain from your abortion is a wonderful gift to those of us reading. Perhaps there is a woman considering abortion who has not thought it through, does not believe the "expert's" words about how it can affect one. You have personal experience and have shared that with us. Thank you!

However, what does your SI do? Where is the learning or gift? It too is not bad; it perhaps helps you cope some, is a habit and a chemical aid. I do not feel pain or disappointment that you SI, I just feel helpless because it is your choice and I cannot think of much I can do to help you feel better about yourself and your life situation and future prospects for happiness.

Feeling helpless is painful for me but it is my pain based on my life experiences. You cannot feel my pain because it is mine and rooted in my experience just as your pain is rooted in yours. We both know pain and, for me, that sharing of common experience, of having being in pain, comforts me and the helplessness is more bearable. I wish for you to learn about the comfort to be had in sharing one's feelings and experiences which can water down and lessen the negative ones while increasing the positive ones.

Thank-you for sharing your note - you absolutely do not deserve to be in so much pain right now - it may be so very painful for you, but that is not deserved.

Also do not beat yourself up about the SI - my T knows that I do and does not criticise me for it - he says we learn to use certain strategies to deal with pain and that is just one I have learned that works - obviously it would be better for me to learn more healthy ones, but at the moment if I am feeling bad and that is all I have, then that's just the way it is right now.

Be gentle with yourself, we all make choices in life based on the information we have available to us at the time - you made the right choice for you at that point in time.

Hugs to you - Soup