[Wren_]

I was thinking of this, reading a thread by rainbow rose ... how do you "work" through grieving? especially if it's grieving the loss of something rather than the loss of someone. My T doesn't understand why the loss matters so much because it isn't something that is important to him, so it isn't something we can really address in the way that maybe needs to be done

[rainbow_rose]

One thing that my therapist has had me do was write a letter that you don't intend to send (or can't send, depending on what/who you are grieving). Let me tell you that (for me) a LOT of emotions came out just from the letters I've written. One letter I wrote helped me move very quickly toward acceptance.

Another I am still working on, I have an 'on-going' letter in the works 'cause the grief is really deep and a lot to work through.

And the homework she just gave me was to 1) write a list of things I know to be true about someone (or a relationship) and 2) write a list of things that i made up about a person (or relationship) that may or may not be true.

As I work on this one, I am discovering how much in my head is made up and may not be true. and if it's not the truth, why am i holding on to it, grieving about it ... realizing this, i feel, might make reaching acceptance much easier.

It's very hard work and Very VERY emotional but can be very freeing. What hardest for me is when recent losses (or potential losses) trigger old pain. Hopefully as I work through this, that will happen less.

Hope that helps!

I'm kind of going through this with my T right now. When I became so ill a few years ago, I lost so much confidence in myself, particularly in my music. Then after ECT, I found I'd lost some of my piano skills. Probably completely a temporary issue. I know that rationally, but I haven't gotten past it yet. It scared me and I haven't touched the piano since.

My T is not a musical individual; he is all sports and action. We are complete opposites that way. He would like to see me doing more exercise and physical activity, but that absolutely doesn't interest me in the slightest. In our last session, I confronted him about how I feel like he isn't hearing me about the exercise issue, and he asked me what do I want to do. I told him I want my music back, and I just started crying and crying. I think he finally was able to really "hear" me about this issue, and he seems to be seeing how painful this loss has been to me.

It's a start. It has taken me being forceful and insistent about this with him. He has a blind spot about exercise; so do I, and we are on opposite sides of that blind spot. He's asked to hear recordings of me playing my instruments. He's trying to understand the importance of music to my life. We'll get there, but it can take persistence.

Sometimes we have to teach our T's about ourselves when they don't quite seem to "get" us. Don't be afraid to do the teaching. You know, my T has always been incredibly insightful about me; this is honestly the only time in our 7 year history that he's missed the boat about me. But I'm determined that he WILL understand this. It is too important to just say, "Oh, he doesn't get it, so we can't talk about it."

[Wren_]

Thanks Rainbow Rose the idea of the lessons and exercise are really good ones, and I think (and hope) ones that could be very healing ... kind of scared doing them on my own

Chris I remember you writing about your music last year and about your T not understanding the importance, I'm so glad that he is starting to understand more ... it sounds like your persistence there is really working

It helps hearing that sometimes we need to teach our T's ... I think often we don't think of that

[rainbow8]

I also found that writing a letter to the person I'm grieving was helpful. I did that with 2 different Ts. It was a letter to my mother. Reading it to my T was the closest I came to crying in therapy. My former T added another step: a letter written back to ME as I think my Mom would have written it. Or, maybe as I wished she had written it. I think mine was a combination. I planned to write more letters to my Mom but haven't done it. I probably need to write one to my father as I haven't grieved his death at all.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Thanks Rainbow Rose the idea of the lessons and exercise are really good ones, and I think (and hope) ones that could be very healing ... kind of scared doing them on my own

I've found it very helpful to have my therapist's support with this.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

My T doesn't understand why the loss matters so much because it isn't something that is important to him, so it isn't something we can really address in the way that maybe needs to be done

Tsk! How annoying. I'm sorry that T doesn't see how important it is to you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I'm kind of going through this with my T right now. When I became so ill a few years ago, I lost so much confidence in myself, particularly in my music. Then after ECT, I found I'd lost some of my piano skills. Probably completely a temporary issue. I know that rationally, but I haven't gotten past it yet. It scared me and I haven't touched the piano since.

My T is not a musical individual; he is all sports and action. We are complete opposites that way. He would like to see me doing more exercise and physical activity, but that absolutely doesn't interest me in the slightest. In our last session, I confronted him about how I feel like he isn't hearing me about the exercise issue, and he asked me what do I want to do. I told him I want my music back, and I just started crying and crying. I think he finally was able to really "hear" me about this issue, and he seems to be seeing how painful this loss has been to me.

It's a start. It has taken me being forceful and insistent about this with him. He has a blind spot about exercise; so do I, and we are on opposite sides of that blind spot. He's asked to hear recordings of me playing my instruments. He's trying to understand the importance of music to my life. We'll get there, but it can take persistence.

Sometimes we have to teach our T's about ourselves when they don't quite seem to "get" us. Don't be afraid to do the teaching. You know, my T has always been incredibly insightful about me; this is honestly the only time in our 7 year history that he's missed the boat about me. But I'm determined that he WILL understand this. It is too important to just say, "Oh, he doesn't get it, so we can't talk about it."

I found your story sad and very moving. And yes, I do "get it".

I hope you get your music back!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My former T added another step: a letter written back to ME as I think my Mom would have written it. Or, maybe as I wished she had written it.

Ouch! That's a scary idea.

I worked hard at not listening to her when she was alive, so how could I imagine what she might write now she is dead?

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I found your story sad and very moving. And yes, I do "get it".

I hope you get your music back!

Thanks Cant Explain. I appreciate that.

[rainbow8]

CantExplain: I'm sorry you had that kind of relationship with your mother. For me, it wasn't scary to write the letter back; it was comforting.

Chris: I'm sorry about your piano playing and your T not understanding. I hope you are able to play again, and I hope your T will come to understand your grief.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

how do you "work" through grieving?

Let myself be sad. Let myself cry. I accept that it will be not be done soon but that grieving takes time and the sadness can pop up at any time. I try not to push it away. Tears are healing.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Let myself be sad. Let myself cry. I accept that it will be not be done soon but that grieving takes time and the sadness can pop up at any time. I try not to push it away. Tears are healing.

I think the acceptance part is very challenging.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

I think the acceptance part is very challenging.

I think I have come to accept because my T has said it so many times. He told me it was OK if grieving took a lot of time, that it was not unusual for it to be drawn out. I think it helps me to accept that it may take a long time if I hear that is natural and normal. I have definitely had those sessions where I got frustrated at being sad STILL. I have felt like, when will this be over?! But I also feel that I have more experience with grief now and am coming to understand it better so I haven't felt that frustration with myself lately. What would help you with acceptance of your grief?

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by sunrise

What would help you with acceptance of your grief?

Hmm... at this point i'm not sure (but I will give that question some thought). Right now, it just feels like an endless well of tears and grief.

I guess it would be nice to know that there will be an end to this pain from the past or at least that the pain feels tolerable. I have trouble tolerating the pain then shutting down.

[nicoleb2]

Working on grieving seems to be a neverending process for me. My t has helped me at least work on it some (I've been holding a huge amount in since my dad died when I was 16). She has also gotten me through my mom's death and my grandma's. We are still working on ECT memory loss.

It's always a work in progress. Some days are good, others not so much. A back and forth process