[vanessaG]

Emailed my vey long & detailed list to T yesterday....

Stuff that happened that I've never told ANYONE! No friends, nobody ever! Agghhh I'm so scared.

I hope he picks a topic. If he asks me I'll probably shut down & say 'I don't know'

I should have not picked the end of the week to do this...gahhhh if it goes bad I have the weekend to sit in this . Idont even want to go..I thought about not showing up but I have to face this...

Jeez why is this SO hard.... I just T handles this wih care, we've touched on some issues when I was in crisis mode but mostly it's been shootin the **** w/ him. This is some serious stuff I emailed. I don't know if he even read it actually. I mean when would he have the time to read it??!

Gosh I hope he didn't print up the list and reads it right there in session. I WILL run out the door....I'm so scared

[pbutton]

Think of how awesome it will feel after you've been there and talked about it. T can handle it & so can you.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I hope he picks a topic. If he asks me I'll probably shut down & say 'I don't know'

My T always makes me pick a topic when I send her a list. This last time, I mentally assigned each topic a letter and asked her to just pick a letter for me...then I talked about that one. So, we both kinda picked! And we both got a bit of a laugh out of it.

[faith1983]

it's gonna be ok Vanessa... it will surely be stressful and unconfortable, but it will really help your healing.. Breathe, your t is there to help you, if you feel like running away, just tell him and try to sit with it.

i'll think about you
take care
faith

[vanessaG]

Thanks guys . I'm sitting in the office right now. I should have taken a darn klonopin. I'm so anxious nervous scared I feel like I'm gonna have a stroke.

Maybe this was too soon for me to do this. I don't know HOW he's gonna react that's the thing. I don't even want to face him . Maybe I can wear my sunglasses in there.

If he does ask me what one I want to start with I don't know!!! The hardest one? Easiest? Omg I feel like I made a big mistake!

If he didn't read the email I'm gonna tell him to forget it. Just delete it. I feel so dumb I can't handle this...like why am I in therapy?? Do deal with things like tHIS!! Yet the time has come and I can't .

I want to wrap myself in a big blanket put on my sunglasses in there and then maybe I can talk to him. Unfortunatley he doesn't have one. Not even a pillow I can hide under a little bit..

I hope our session goes well, I really do. If not I don't know if I can handle it. Since dropping the kids @ school and the drive over here I'm on the verge of tears I'm so scared. How stupid is that? To be so scared over this.

I really need this to work out. It's taking every inch of strength I have not to sprint outta this office & peel outta the parking lot. I'm sorry I'm being such a baby about this I must sound so pathetic. Ughhh

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I really need this to work out. It's taking every inch of strength I have not to sprint outta this office & peel outta the parking lot. I'm sorry I'm being such a baby about this I must sound so pathetic. Ughhh

You actually sound the way I feel in the waiting room. Totally understandable.

[faith1983]

You're far from pathetic and you're not stupid at all; you're human. It is hard to open up and put our heart in there in front of someone else, and so is thinking about doing it!! And the waiting room... oh my gosh! Even when I feel perfectly fine, I feel like I'm gonna throw up; I'm always soooo nervous and it's been more than one year, I trust my t and I rationnally know that nothing bad will happen and that he will be caring like always but there's nothing I can do about it...

If you feel like it could help you and you want to, let us know how it went

[granite1]

my goodness how scary for you i hope it goes ok ?i hope you will be able to find some reliefin having all this hard stuff out there.even if it will be so hard to talk about

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I want to wrap myself in a big blanket ... Unfortunately he doesn't have one. Not even a pillow I can hide under a little bit..

My T seems cool and detached sometimes , but one way she does mother me is her concern for my temperature. She'll ask me if I am too hot, and she'll close the blinds. Or she'll ask me if I'm too cold and offer me a blanket.

Nice.

[vanessaG]

So I did it. I didn't run away...I sat all the way at the edgeof the couch literally RIGHT next to the door. Lol. His demeanor was a lot more serious (I guess that's a given since the email) and I saw he printed it up...it was 3 pages!!!! I told him sorry for being so long & that I've been editing it all week....

He jumped right in on stuff that had to do w/ him. He said my dream w/ him in it (I fell & crying & he was rubbing my back telling me it'll be ok) he said I'm experiencing transference & that's perfectly normal & ok. He said I might have erotic dreams regardless of sex of the therapist & that's normal & ok too.

I was pretty embarrased so I was quiet and just nodded. He said its normal cause I didn't experience love & nuturing as a Child & I want that out of him.

In letter I said I still don't feel he really CARES. He said that's bugging him & he does, but he said in a professional way. That kinda hurt. I don't know how I want him to care but I want him to go above & beyond for me. :/

He was suprised @ the email, said he had no idea all this stuff happened & I always come in so giggly n laughing. He couldn't believe I've never told anyone ever about these things

We got into a little about my father & some of the abuse.

Then towards the end he told me some stories how he went a visited 1 pt that attempted suicide in hospital but he quickly emphasized that was the ONlY time he's ever done it and he's gone to some graduations, but won't go to the party. Idk...what I even am asking from him. If I were in hospital I want him to come visit me...I want him to say he deeply cares..really or that he loves me (not in love) like I hear other people's T's doing. Or like that. Ook I'm reading, loves executioner...that therapist visits clients houses! I wouldn't mind that. I guess I'm being unreasonable. He was trying to explain boundary but still caring but all I could think about was but... But... I kept my mouth shut I didn't wanna make him feel uncomfortable or like a stalker.
He said I can email him after hours or wknds, but he's usually out of town so he doesn't know when he can get back to me, and that t's need their space too which I guess is fair.
He said re: boundries that I don't need another boyfriend and I don't need another father. I was like ok...wth does THAT mean!

All in all it was. Good session. Went better than I anticipated. Though my mind is racing about the session now, feel a lil weird...I'm trying to clean & keep busy I hope I feel better later

[CantExplain]

I'm glad you had a good session.

Originally Posted by vanessaG

Book I'm reading, Love's Executioner...that therapist visits clients houses! I wouldn't mind that.

I found out the hard way that Ts in real life aren't like the way they are depicted in books. Real Ts have boundaries.

Books show only the highlights of therapy, the parts that are obviously relevant and helpful. They don't show the tedious spadework, the pain and the pointlessness.

Thinks: that would be a good title for a book.

The Pain and the Pointlessness: Eight years on the couch with nothing to show for it.

[Chopin99]

The Pain and the Pointlessness.

Sounds like a bad soap opera to me!

[vanessaG]

Yeah your. Probably right...I mean what T would go to a clients house??
But it's not like we're serial killers in hiding lol. If I was so depressed one day & couldn't get outta bed & T showed up it would shock the crap outta me and I would DEF know he cared.

I guess what I want is some sort of 'Grand Gesture' lol but thinking back on that book...it dID show a lot of what that T did that's way out of ordinary. That's was what I was basing my expectations on. Unrealistic.

& yeah a book re: that would def be a best seller!! Lol

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

The Pain and the Pointlessness.

Sounds like a bad soap opera to me!

That's another idea that occurred to me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I guess what I want is some sort of 'Grand Gesture' lol

Yes, I understand that. Something special, something personal, something no one else is getting.

And I did actually get that from my T. Three small things, but oh so valuable. Things I didn't expect. Things that can't be faked or misinterpretted. Things I won't ever forget.

Like the way her eyes filled with tears when I told her I was "happy now".

[healed84]

Well, I think you did a good job! You got a lot out in the open and that was really brave of you!! Good job!

[vanessaG]

Thank you Healed84 . Now I see why people say therapy is HARD. I been crying off/on all day just feeling fragile really. I hope tomm that feeling is done.

Can't Explain-yes exactly that what I want!!! I couldn't have said it better.... That's.so nice you have something special from your T . I bet it means so much

[faith1983]

Good job!!! It was very brave to first send the email and second, to go out there when you knew that t would certainly brings up what you wrote... You're helping t to help you with your healing.
And caring in a professionnel way is good.. I'm a nurse and I care for my patient in a professionnel way; I wouldn't go to their house or to their party but they mean a lot for me, I learn from them, think about them when I'm off, cry when they go through some hard stuff or when they die. The only difference with professionnal caring is that I'm almost never overwhelmed by what I feel for them and that is what make helping them possible.

take care
faith