[rainbow8]

I'm going through what sjkero described in her thread. Big time! I know some of the reasons why. The session was okay but I was very nervous and shaky though we did breathing first. I think I was embarrassed about last week's session. I also wanted it to be as good, so I was setting myself up for disappointment.

I didn't feel as comfortable so I couldn't relax enough to talk like I did last time. We ended up talking about an incident of not getting to the bathroom in time when I was in kindergarten and how ashamed I felt. The problem is that we've done EMDR with that already. Sometimes I think: what's the point of going over all this from my past, but I feel like I have to.

So, when we ended I didn't feel like I accomplished very much. My T said that I did great and that it may seem like not very much got done but little by little I'm working on these issues.

I didn't hug her because I felt all sweaty and icky. I should have anyway.

I sort of wanted to tell her something that was bothering me but I thought it was so stupid and irrelevant that I didn't tell her.

So, what did I do? I came home and emailed her about it right away!
I feel so frustrated now. I want to get over my issues but it's not happening so fast. I wish I could see her every day!!

I wish I could call her but that's a whole ordeal of her emailing me a time when I can call. I don't know if it's worth it.

I think I learned that when I have something to say, SAY it no matter how stupid I think it is!! Otherwise, I will be miserable when I leave.

Oh, about my H. She said she didn't think I knew I had a choice. I complain about him a lot. She wasn't suggesting it, just wanted me to know that I do have choices in my life.

Could I please have some hugs?

[growlycat]

I hate leaving a session with something hanging in the air. As many hugs as I can give!! I hope the awful feeling passes or you can talk to her soon.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, growly!! It's late but I wanted at least 1 hug before I went to bed so I would feel better.

I know the awful feelings will pass but what we're talking about in therapy is going to take awhile so I feel blah and hopeless about it. Maybe I will call my T and ask if she would rather I just write it up in the log from now on. I don't know what she thinks is best for me to do. I haven't been too succesful with sitting with my feelings because to be honest I'm not sure what's the advantage in doing that. I want to get my feelings out, not sit with them. I've kept them inside for years and now they want OUT.

[healed84]

((((hugs))) to you..

[CantExplain]

Have a sweaty and icky hug from me!

((((((rainbow))))))

I hate that feeling of leaving with something unsaid. I used to do that ALL the time, and I started checking in with myself 10 or 15 minutes before the end of session to see what I was going to be left with...and then I would force myself to tell T, no matter how irrelevant or dumb or scary it seemed.

I'm really sorry you're feeling bad. LOTS of hugs to you.

[granite1]

how are you feeling today rain?

[rainbow8]

Thanks for the hugs, Chopin, faith, lostmyway, yang, CantExplain, healed, tree, granite.

tree, I usually do tell my T everything. It didn't come up while doing EMDR so I didn't think about it until I was in my car. I was too self-conscious the whole session anyway but I should have written it down to tell her before we started doing EMDR. You're right!!! Thank you.

granite, I'm feeling better probably because I sent my T 2 emails and I posted here. I still may try to call her at a time when I think she's free. I want to hear from her that she accepts what I wrote and she's curious about it, like I should be. Good luck today! Happy Wednesday!

Doing EMDR brings up the shame of all my feelings from childhood and beyond. I know it's supposed to do that. It's mini-trauma for me, but I think it's trauma all the same and no wonder it's affecting me so much.
"The best way out is always through". oh, yuck.

[WikidPissah]

My T calls it doorknob therapy, when I come up with something at the last minute or email him as soon as I get home. It's not your fault, sometimes we forget and our minds think of things too late.

[sjkero]

thinking of you rainbow

i know how you feel! the last few weeks i have been emailing my t long emails as soon as i get home from session or first thing the next morning. i think for me, though, it's because i'm not ready to let go for the week and i want to hold onto having her attention as long as i can but, also, i do it because i always freeze up in session and never open up, so i leave there hating myself and end up letting her in just a little bit by telling her some things through email.

sorry... not to go off subject, just wanted to share

hope you hear back from your t soon... and look at it this way, already one night down until you see her again

[and_im_still_here]

HUGS TO YOU

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

My T calls it doorknob therapy, when I come up with something at the last minute or email him as soon as I get home. It's not your fault, sometimes we forget and our minds think of things too late.

Last week, my T actually pointed out to me that I do tend to say things just as I'm leaving, but they're usually things I didn't think were important enough to talk about during the session, or what I consider "throw away" comments. Like, "I bet you're sick of me and having to repeat yourself all the time." Or, "You didn't think about showering after you hugged me last time, right?" To me, those were just yes or no questions. No big deal. To him, they were a big deal and something we needed to actually spend some time talking about.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

"You didn't think about showering after you hugged me last time, right?" To me, those were just yes or no questions. .....

oh ((((((((((((((((( rainbow )))))))))))))))))) go easy on yourself.

besides how can this be answered yes or no?
Yes, right?
Or
No I didn't?

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

oh ((((((((((((((((( rainbow )))))))))))))))))) go easy on yourself.

besides how can this be answered yes or no?
Yes, right?
Or
No I didn't?

That was actually my thing, not rainbow's. I was hijacking. And you're correct, it would have been a little more complicated than yes or no. It was more of a "right, I didn't think that," or "wrong, I did think about showering."

[Sannah]

Sorry for the tangent, rainbow. I really do hope you are feeling much better! I think my point was that it is really common for all of us to have thoughts as we're leaving, or right after we leave, that we feel the need to share.

[sittingatwatersedge]

apologies for getting the posters crossed up ... the yes or no question that can't be answered yes or no is a very convoluted self-condemning no win kind of a question, and if T didn't answer it I don't blame him

Rainbow - and this truly is to you - about this >> I think I learned that when I have something to say, SAY it no matter how stupid I think it is!! Otherwise, I will be miserable when I leave
that is a brave, hard lesson, I wish I could say I had learned it. I think you've done very well there.

[Nelliecat]

((((Rainbow))))

You can absolutely have some hugs from me

It's horrible leaving feeling we haven't accomplished what we wanted to. I seem to do it all the time at the moment, either leaving things unsaid and wishing I had, then feeling like a failure for not, or throwing big questions at T when it's time to go.

I know how you're feeling

[shoez]

a million hugs to you my friend. I know what it feels like to feel like everything didnt get out... in T. (happened to me yesterday)

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

To me, those were just yes or no questions. No big deal. To him, they were a big deal and something we needed to actually spend some time talking about.

So far so good. But does your T bother to write them down and bring them up again?

I don't think many Ts do, and they are throwing away a good thing.

(My T would probably say, "If you think that's such a good idea, why don't you do it.")

Originally Posted by CantExplain

So far so good. But does your T bother to write them down and bring them up again?

I don't think many Ts do, and they are throwing away a good thing.

(My T would probably say, "If you think that's such a good idea, why don't you do it.")

I don't know if he writes them down, but he does bring them up again. For better or worse.

[rainbow8]

Thank you! I left my T a message and asked her to call back and leave me a message that she wasn't upset by what I emailed (if I didn't answer). So she did! I'm glad I had my phone turned off so I can listen to the message over and over. She said that no way was she upset at all by what I wrote and we will continue to be curious about it and work on these things. Not her exact words; that's why I'm glad it's on my voice mail. I forget easily. She wished me a good week and said she'll see me on Tuesday. I listened a zillion more times! She said she was "totally not upset at all" and "please don't worry about it".

That message made me feel so much better. I knew she wouldn't be upset. I just felt like I needed her to tell me. She didn't sound annoyed that I called her, either. Not that I expected her to be, but I've been emailing a lot lately, and calling more than I used to, which still isn't very often. I think I've called her 3 or 4 times in 2 years.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Last week, my T actually pointed out to me that I do tend to say things just as I'm leaving, but they're usually things I didn't think were important enough to talk about during the session, or what I consider "throw away" comments. Like, "I bet you're sick of me and having to repeat yourself all the time." Or, "You didn't think about showering after you hugged me last time, right?" To me, those were just yes or no questions. No big deal. To him, they were a big deal and something we needed to actually spend some time talking about.

Mine said a similar thing a few weeks ago how at the end of every session I regress and go to a point where I try to convince her how bad things really are and that I need her and basically go into "Please don't abandon me mode" Apparently it is subconscientious (sp?) so I'm not aware of it. Regardless it is interesting, I was completely unaware of it.