[KazzaX]

I'm at a bit of a loss about what to do when I go back to my T on Friday.

Last week she said a few choice things that really set me off and I had to leave in the middle of the session, otherwise I would have become violent towards her. But after thinking about it, the bottom line is that I have to stay with this T (assuming she'll take me back) otherwise I have no therapists available to me... she is my last option left. Where I live, if you are on welfare, the only place you can get therapy is through the community mental health team of your district, which is where I'm seeing her. So its either her or the highway, basically.

I do this "having to leave otherwise I become violent" quite regularly. My first thought is to go in there on Friday and discuss the previous weeks drama, etc. However, that sets me off again and then I have to leave again, which is not a good thing. And then (this is from previous experience) when this continues they start thinking that I am just being difficult and unreasonable and have a bad attitude, and then they stop having sessions with me. So that one is definitely out.

Last time it happened, I went in there thinking "I will leave it up to her and see what she brings up". She didn't bring it up and it was like it never happened, and we kept going. However she was clearly irritated with me and had that look that they get when they think you are just wasting their time or think you aren't dedicated to doing the hard work. That one is better to deal with than them stopping my sessions there, but it is still a bit strange. I'm not sure but this seems like the lesser of two evils. But then a few weeks later I will probably go off again and she will get irritated at me and eventually my sessions will stop because eventually she will get sick of it.

So what do you think I should do? I can't decide. This is my last chance at therapy so I don't want to stuff it up. I asked her if maybe I should bring a rubber band and do the snapping thing on my wrist and see if it works, but she just laughed and changed the subject - I take that as a no.. lol. Arrgghh I don't know what to do! I am absolutely dreading Friday.

Could you maybe write your feelings out, outlining why you feel you might get triggered and behave that way, and that you fear talking about it may trigger you again? It's a shame you don't seem to have a connection with your T - is there any way you can see your relationship with her improving, or any way you could envision discussing it with her in an aim to work better together?

[unaluna]

What are these choice things she said? Not too blunt, eh? I have been choosing a therapy "theme" for myself at the beginning of every year with my current T, and I think I am going to go for blunt this year. He hates blunt, as far as I can tell. He is one big pussyfooter. Anyway, you mentioned them, you KNOW we love and care about you and want to help you in any way we can, so if it helps you to share what she said, we are here to listen and talk things thru with you.

Also, did you see what I wrote to stopdog, regarding "narcissistic injury"? I was discussing it with T yesterday, and we were like, why didn't we think of this before? Have you done any reading on this topic? you might find it helpful.

I used to correct T's pronounciation - he was always gracious about it. Anyway a few days ago he said I "gave him so much" - so yesterday I asked him to elaborate. It was interesting - at one point I felt there was a bit of narcissistic injury as he said, "because of you, I brought more of myself into being a T, although of course people continue to grow all the time" - like he was ashamed to admit he wasn't at that advanced point of development before, or somehow owes ME something, that's a narcissistic injury. Then he goes on to say that he always liked how I corrected his grammar etc, which I haven't done lately. Truth is, I haven't HEARD him say anything wrong - which we've discussed on this forum - because i'm not so desperate anymore that *I* have to control everything and make sure HE is qualified to take care of me, as my parents never were. I trust him now.

Anyway, sorry for the Queen's speech! hope SOMETHING resonates with you or (someone else, for you) out of it.

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Could you maybe write your feelings out, outlining why you feel you might get triggered and behave that way, and that you fear talking about it may trigger you again? It's a shame you don't seem to have a connection with your T - is there any way you can see your relationship with her improving, or any way you could envision discussing it with her in an aim to work better together?

I haven't seen her in a while (she was sick) and during this time I have been wracking my brain. I think what she said was similar to what my dad used to say when I was growing up, and so it struck a nerve. Same meaning, different words. I might see if I could bring it up next session. Can't hurt!

I'd like the relationship to improve. She is the one I have liked most out of all the therapists I've had. The problem there is I have no idea how to do this (I have never had a close relationship before so I don't even know what it means, really lol). It's one of those things I have to figure out for myself over time, they tell me! Here's hoping

Originally Posted by KazzaX

The problem there is I have no idea how to do this (I have never had a close relationship before so I don't even know what it means, really lol). It's one of those things I have to figure out for myself over time, they tell me! Here's hoping

It's hard isn't it? This level of closeness that comes about in therapy is new for me too - I've been trying to keep a handle on it for a while whilst secretly freaking out! In the end I think honesty is the best policy, and I emailed T about it last week. Tomorrow we talk...!! I'm hoping honesty is the best policy...!

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by hankster

Also, did you see what I wrote to stopdog, regarding "narcissistic injury"? I was discussing it with T yesterday, and we were like, why didn't we think of this before? Have you done any reading on this topic? you might find it helpful.

I haven't heard of that one before. I went and looked it up. I'm not sure if it is limited to narcissists or not (in one part of the wiki it says yes, but later on it says no, lol). I'm not a narcissist but some of that does sound like me for sure. Especially the bit where it says " It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power. That definitely nails it. Just replace "narcissist" with "person" lol.

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

It's hard isn't it? This level of closeness that comes about in therapy is new for me too - I've been trying to keep a handle on it for a while whilst secretly freaking out! In the end I think honesty is the best policy, and I emailed T about it last week. Tomorrow we talk...!! I'm hoping honesty is the best policy...!

Well the strange thing is, it doesn't feel like we're being "close"! It just feels like I'm at the doctors office discussing some health issue and how to fix it. Its about the same closeness hehe... but what else is there? I have no idea, lol.

[unaluna]

right I see narc. injury as NOT being related to narcissistic personality disorders. it's just about the person's sense of self, their self-reflection, hence the Narcissus root word.

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Well the strange thing is, it doesn't feel like we're being "close"! It just feels like I'm at the doctors office discussing some health issue and how to fix it. Its about the same closeness hehe... but what else is there? I have no idea, lol.

Have you explained this to your T, that you're having difficulty feeling a connection? Maybe there's something she can suggest or maybe there's a way you can work on it... IDK maybe she's not the ideal T for you, but I'd definitely discuss it with her, it could be important and maybe it could lead to progress

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by hankster

right I see narc. injury as NOT being related to narcissistic personality disorders. it's just about the person's sense of self, their self-reflection, hence the Narcissus root word.

Well the concept definitely matches my fits of rage, that's for sure. I will read up a bit more on that, thanks Never heard of it until now!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Especially the bit where it says " It is an attempt by the narcissist to turn from a passive sense of victimization to an active role in giving pain to others, while at the same time attempting to rebuild their own (actually false) sense of self-worth. It may also involve self-protection and preservation, with rage serving to restore a sense of safety and power. That definitely nails it. Just replace "narcissist" with "person" lol.

Holy crap. That is me. I'm probably more borderline than narcissist, but the rest of it is me. Wowza.

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Have you explained this to your T, that you're having difficulty feeling a connection? Maybe there's something she can suggest or maybe there's a way you can work on it... IDK maybe she's not the ideal T for you, but I'd definitely discuss it with her, it could be important and maybe it could lead to progress

We have discussed it many times. What it comes down to every time is I gotta work it out for myself. I can see why she'd say that, because they say things you learn for yourself are things you keep with you, sort of (not sure how to explain that). Its tough though! Because its a bit like aliens - you can't see them, you can't detect them with any of your 5 senses, but people keep talking about them and how they are so cool, and how you should love them too! Ok bad example, lol. I tried to get a few hints out of her but she is a tough cookie hehe, no luck

[KazzaX]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Holy crap. That is me. I'm probably more borderline than narcissist, but the rest of it is me. Wowza.

Yeah its a great description, hey
Something hits the narcissistic wound and then bamm.... hell ensues!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Holy crap. That is me. I'm probably more borderline than narcissist, but the rest of it is me. Wowza.

no wait we were talking about narcissistic INJURY, altho i'm not quite sure what all that quote is describing. did you read my whole post? I can't believe my sweet pbutton is a narcissist?! not that there's anything wrong with it!

Originally Posted by hankster

...not that there's anything wrong with [that!]

Oooh, SO close, hankster!! I can't believe YOU would miss an opportunity to quote Seinfeld

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by hankster

no wait we were talking about narcissistic INJURY, altho i'm not quite sure what all that quote is describing. did you read my whole post? I can't believe my sweet pbutton is a narcissist?! not that there's anything wrong with it!

Oh, Kazza's quote used the word narcissist so I was commenting on that. I'm much more borderline, particularly in my "HULK SMASH!" moments.

I did read the post & went and googled a little bit myself. I think I am going to ask T about narcissistic injury next week. Thank you for the new vocab word.

[KazzaX]

Only reason i brought up the narcissist thing was cause it was in the article I read hehe.. but yeah it is definitely something that I think could apply to any tom, john or harry. (had to put john in there because the usual name that goes there was censored, hahaha)

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Oooh, SO close, hankster!! I can't believe YOU would miss an opportunity to quote Seinfeld

I wouldn't! you know me too well! do I get any points for MISQUOTING Seinfeld? (I wasn't sure if it was "it" or "that"! No soup for me! )

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I do this "having to leave otherwise I become violent" quite regularly. My first thought is to go in there on Friday and discuss the previous weeks drama, etc. However, that sets me off again and then I have to leave again, which is not a good thing. And then (this is from previous experience) when this continues they start thinking that I am just being difficult and unreasonable and have a bad attitude, and then they stop having sessions with me. So that one is definitely out.

Just a thought...could you maybe tell your T that you want to talk about what happened at the last session, but you're concerned it will be triggering and you'll feel the need to leave again. And then, maybe ask your T for some ways to help you discuss it without feeling like your only options are to leave or become violent?

Perhaps your T can offer some ideas of other ways to handle the discussion. Ease you in to it, stop it if you start to become too upset, give you some options other than leaving...I dunno...as the T, I'd think they might have some ideas on how to make it more manageable for you so that you can stay in the room and have the discussion.

With my T, when she says something particularly triggering to me, I've started telling her that I feel like I need to leave, but I don't really want to. We talk about that feeling and how to work through it, and then slowly get back to the discussion. Once we start talking about whatever triggered me, my T checks in with me frequently to see how I'm handling it (I did have to ask her to do this, though).

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Only reason i brought up the narcissist thing was cause it was in the article I read hehe.. but yeah it is definitely something that I think could apply to any tom, john or harry. (had to put john in there because the usual name that goes there was censored, hahaha)

LOL @ the auto-censor

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Also, did you see what I wrote to stopdog, regarding "narcissistic injury"? I was discussing it with T yesterday, and we were like, why didn't we think of this before? Have you done any reading on this topic? you might find it helpful.

Maybe you two (you and T) should keep your eyes on your own work.

Just kidding! I'm sure all the world's problems can be solved from a small attic in NY.

[unaluna]

don't worry, it ALWAYS comes back to being all about me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

What are these choice things she said? Not too blunt, eh? I have been choosing a therapy "theme" for myself at the beginning of every year with my current T, and I think I am going to go for blunt this year. He hates blunt, as far as I can tell. He is one big pussyfooter. Anyway, you mentioned them, you KNOW we love and care about you and want to help you in any way we can, so if it helps you to share what she said, we are here to listen and talk things thru with you.

Also, did you see what I wrote to stopdog, regarding "narcissistic injury"? I was discussing it with T yesterday, and we were like, why didn't we think of this before? Have you done any reading on this topic? you might find it helpful.

I used to correct T's pronounciation - he was always gracious about it. Anyway a few days ago he said I "gave him so much" - so yesterday I asked him to elaborate. It was interesting - at one point I felt there was a bit of narcissistic injury as he said, "because of you, I brought more of myself into being a T, although of course people continue to grow all the time" - like he was ashamed to admit he wasn't at that advanced point of development before, or somehow owes ME something, that's a narcissistic injury. Then he goes on to say that he always liked how I corrected his grammar etc, which I haven't done lately. Truth is, I haven't HEARD him say anything wrong - which we've discussed on this forum - because i'm not so desperate anymore that *I* have to control everything and make sure HE is qualified to take care of me, as my parents never were. I trust him now.

Anyway, sorry for the Queen's speech! hope SOMETHING resonates with you or (someone else, for you) out of it.

Sorry, I'm a wee bit lost. Which of you is the narcissist?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Sorry, I'm a wee bit lost. Which of you is the narcissist?

Both, I'm pretty sure. What are you talking about???

[growlycat]

When I'm angry in therapy and I'm afraid that walking out will damage the situation, I usually shut down and go silent. At least the T then knows to tread lightly! Caution ahead-things are not going well!!