[struggling2]

im in a weird spot right now and im not sure what to do. i really like my T. its taken me a long time to open up and be comfortable but she has become very important to me. ive always been every emotionally guarded, unsure, etc and i feel like shes the first person in my life im developing a real emotional connection with. I know its pretty one sided cause its 95% about me but Im ok with that because I know thats what I need. But i hold back, second guess, wonder..whatever the word is because I question whether its real. I see her once a week and its freaking me out how important it is to me that i see her. Its almost like for 28yrs ive brushed off, avoided, shut down, and not paid attention to feelings and emotions and now all the sudden the flood gates are open and im swarmed and overwhelmed with everything. All I can think is I need to see T. Im not wanting her to be my mom or needing her to be my friend..I have friends. But for some reason i NEED her. I need her help. And i cant pinpoint for what exactly. Almost like I have to form this relationship with her this deep emotional connection and learn how that works and what its like before I can have that with anyone else in my life. Is that crazy? Its like theres a reason shes in my life but Im fighting it to protect myself long term and dont want her to know how important she is cause i feel like a crazy idiot. ugh, so confused and tired and overwhelmed and done. im praying someone else has experience this before....

[sittingatwatersedge]

it sounds very understandable. what do you need her for? to listen, to contain the flood, to normalize for you, to not-judge you, to guide you impartially, to give you tools to handle the new experiences... a thousand things that I wonder if anyone else can give you.

The people who say therapy is for weak people have no idea what they are talking about. It's all about huge change, hard change, and courage.

Hang in there!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

it sounds very understandable. what do you need her for? to listen, to contain the flood, to normalize for you, to not-judge you, to guide you impartially, to give you tools to handle the new experiences... a thousand things that I wonder if anyone else can give you.

The people who say therapy is for weak people have no idea what they are talking about. It's all about huge change, hard change, and courage.

Hang in there!

I could NOT AGREE MORE.

The longer I stay with this forum, with therapy in particular, and with the journey (of living with any level of awareness...lol), the more courage I think this takes.

Living on purpose, it seems to me, is hard, hard hard.

the rewards are there, but there are times.....whew!

[Sannah]

Hi struggling, it sounds like you are doing everything right here! Sounds like your therapy is going great. Good work!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by struggling2

im in a weird spot right now and im not sure what to do. i really like my T. its taken me a long time to open up and be comfortable but she has become very important to me. ive always been every emotionally guarded, unsure, etc and i feel like shes the first person in my life im developing a real emotional connection with. I know its pretty one sided cause its 95% about me but Im ok with that because I know thats what I need. But i hold back, second guess, wonder..whatever the word is because I question whether its real. I see her once a week and its freaking me out how important it is to me that i see her. Its almost like for 28yrs ive brushed off, avoided, shut down, and not paid attention to feelings and emotions and now all the sudden the flood gates are open and im swarmed and overwhelmed with everything. All I can think is I need to see T. Im not wanting her to be my mom or needing her to be my friend..I have friends. But for some reason i NEED her. I need her help. And i cant pinpoint for what exactly. Almost like I have to form this relationship with her this deep emotional connection and learn how that works and what its like before I can have that with anyone else in my life. Is that crazy? Its like theres a reason shes in my life but Im fighting it to protect myself long term and dont want her to know how important she is cause i feel like a crazy idiot. ugh, so confused and tired and overwhelmed and done. im praying someone else has experience this before....

Thank-you for putting my thoughts into words - I feel exactly like this. Soup

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thank-you for putting my thoughts into words - I feel exactly like this. Soup

I'm having a similar experience too. I've never had a close emotional relationship or connection with anyone, and now I'm trying to let T in, but it's so hard because it's like I don't know how not to be closed off.

[struggling2]

thank you everyone for the replies! i will respond later when im home from work but i just wanted to add (more for my memory than anything) that how does that work when your married? Hubby just has to wait while I sit around and figure me out? This is also becoming a big problem and adding to the stress.

Originally Posted by struggling2

thank you everyone for the replies! i will respond later when im home from work but i just wanted to add (more for my memory than anything) that how does that work when your married? Hubby just has to wait while I sit around and figure me out? This is also becoming a big problem and adding to the stress.

I think for me, my relationship with my H has slowly and gradually changed as my relationship (and sense of safety and connection) with T has deepened.

So it wasn't like....step one, learn to have a relationship with T, step two, apply that to H. It's kind of all happening at the same time.

T is safe. Safe, safe, safe. So it's easier with him. My H is obviously much more emotionally invested in my life, and is certainly not going to hide his own opinions, feelings, reactions, etc., so it's harder with him. But even so, I'm more willing to be a little more open with him than I used to be.

My H has commented on the fact that he knows nothing about my past, and I do think that bothers him a little bit sometimes. But in the here and now, I'm learning to open up more and be more honest about my feelings, and even though that was a little bumpy at first, it's turning into a good thing.

The changes are slow, and scary. But worth it.

[unaluna]

I told T today, that now I feel like, I'm not going "out there" looking for someone to love me as if for the first time; I'm looking for someone to love; I'm looking for for someone ELSE to love me. This is the way it should have been the FIRST time I stepped out of the house. I rode the bus home afterwards with a neighbor, and usually it's awful - I am yakking on and on about nonsense, and afterward I feel stupid and horrible. But this time, I remembered to ask him about his Xmas vacation abroad, and he had the best stories about it, and we laughed and laughed, and it wasn't just him talking, I participated in the conversation. (Part of it was plotting revenge on a bad host!) Anyway, it's like, the more grateful I am for what T does for me, the more it shows up IRL, and vice versa.

[CantExplain]

Hi Struggling2!

Attachment takes many forms. People see Ts as friends, lovers, parents, angels,... and its not always the same every session.

Changing the subject...

I'm a bit disorientated because I confused you with Chopin99. Your avatar is exactly the same!

I'm not sure it's fair to ask you, but I would feel more comfortable if you chose something else. Sorry!

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Hi Struggling2!

Changing the subject...

I'm a bit disorientated because I confused you with Chopin99. Your avatar is exactly the same!

I'm not sure it's fair to ask you, but I would feel more comfortable if you chose something else. Sorry!

lol....no problem. i did notice that last night as well. Chopin99 is a pretty prominent figure on here so I can see where that would be confusing. I changed it..no big deal at all

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm a bit disorientated because I confused you with Chopin99. Your avatar is exactly the same!

I'm not sure it's fair to ask you, but I would feel more comfortable if you chose something else. Sorry!

Seriously, Struggling...I saw something you wrote and thought it was me because I saw the picture and then thought, "This doesn't sound like me at all; when did I write this?"

Thank you for changing your avatar. I understand completely why you liked the other one!

To answer your question about your H; our relationship has evolved through three rounds of therapy. Sometimes, he does indeed have to wait for me and we have talked about that and he is okay with this. Most of the time, it changes along the way.

I have had a hard time attaching to Ts. I never attached to the other two; my current T struck the right cord, but I'm still having trouble with it. I have BIG TIME issues trusting people.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Seriously, Struggling...I saw something you wrote and thought it was me because I saw the picture and then thought, "This doesn't sound like me at all; when did I write this?"

This IS funny! I don't see avatars on my mo-bile, and sometimes I'll read a reply and think, that sounds EXACTLY like me, when did I write that? Then I see someone else's name and think, they are SO smart! I just said this to T yesterday! Egomania, anyone?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

Egomania, anyone?

Cut me a slice!