Crossing the professional divide

My shrink flirts with me and i don't like it. I've told him so. He just said, well you encourage it. I'm not so sure about that, i might TEASE but that is not neccessarily flirting. Sometimes, and i'm not calling this situation rape, but people who rape others say they ask for it by acting and dressing and generally being sexy. Now that is the most hurtful, rude, and selfish thing i have ever heard. That's why i don't want to accept this ***** that i encourage him. If i don't like it, why would i encourage it? Of course i like him to show affection and be pleasant with me, but this does not mean being sexual. It has actually got to the point where i am so sick of it, i want to stop seeing him, and i have been seeing him for four years.

Further, i have improved so much that i may not have to see him so often. He copes with this by telling me i won't be able to do anything, i need help, etc. just so i stay. Then he starts to ask how will he make a living, and he loves to winge about HOW HE DOESN'T GET ENOUGH MONEY. Well, me and my Mum have studied the bills and he is doing fantastically! What a WINGER!

To sum it up, he just p*sses me off and i'd rather get another doctor, then to put up with his manipulation, his winging and his flirting!

*phew*

What's his degree? I'd report him to the overseeing state board.

P.S., and this is not to say you do, if a client come on to a therapist, and the therapist responds, the ethics board hold the counselor 100% responsible and the client 0% responsible.

The only problem it is quite indirect, by that i mean in the way that he talks to me, not in his actual choice of words. So were someone else to look at it they probably wouldn't agree.

But i will keep that in mind and let him know when i don't like it.

Well you did say he asked you how is he going to make money if you stop seeing him ... that one sentence is not appropriate.

What if you post his affiliation (i.e., psychologist) and I'll give you the overseeing ethics board so that you have that information?

Not in those words exactly. But if i miss my appointments accidently, he winges that now he can't bill my parents cos that would be innappropriate.

I live in Australia, so i don't think we would have the same overviewing ethics board. But if you know of one here you could PM me and i could bring it just to show that i am serious that i don't like that.

Thanks!

Some

(((((((((((((((sometimes)))))))))))))))))))

I think you need to follow your gut instincts. A therapeutic relationship, especially after seing him for a long time, does become close, but THERAPEUTICALLY close. If he's making you uncomfortable and making passes at you, even if you are making passes at him - which I'm not saying you are - he is supposed to be professional enough to address that issue and not act upon it. Furthermore, he should be reported to the licensing board for crossing the line. What if someone without your strength is manipulated by him and hurt? I would encourage you to search your soul on this issue and do what you need to do to stay safe and comfortable throughout your therapeutic care.

<font color="red"> </font> "Bad therapy, however, is about consistent or intentional choices made by the therapist that are inappropriate or harmful to the client. It is important for clients to be aware of behavior that may constitute bad therapy so that they are in a better position to be good consumers. INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR ON THE PART OF THE THERAPIST INCLUDES POOR BOUNDARIES THAT ARE MANIFESTED BY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH CLIENTS OUTSIDE THE THERAPY OFFICE OR BY EXCESSIVE SELF-DISCLOSURE ON THE PART OF THE THERAPIST. ANY SEXUAL CONTACT BETWEEN A THERAPIST AND A CLIENT IS AN EXTREME FORM OF BOUNDARY VIOLATION. IF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR OCCURS WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THERAPY, THE CLIENT SHOULD IMMEDIATELY TERMINATE THE RELATIONSHIP AND REPORT THE THERAPIST'S BEHAVIOR TO THE APPROPRIATE LICENSING BOARD."

At the very least, please review what has been happening with another therapist, even if it's in a phone conversation.
Good luck.

How about i see him once more and let him know that i am uncomfortable and that if it continues i don't want to see him anymore? The only problem is i am trying right now to get accepted back into uni and i need letters and certificates from him, so i don't want to upset him just yet.

I don't think he would hurt me, he's, to be honest, probably not getting enough from his marriage at the moment. That's a good reason why a married professional would flirt.

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sometimes said:
How about i see him once more and let him know that i am uncomfortable and that if it continues i don't want to see him anymore? The only problem is i am trying right now to get accepted back into uni and i need letters and certificates from him, so i don't want to upset him just yet.

I don't think he would hurt me, he's, to be honest, probably not getting enough from his marriage at the moment. That's a good reason why a married professional would flirt.

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There is NEVER a good reason for a married or unmarried professional to flirt! Furthermore, he shouldn't even be telling you about his marital problems. Honey, it sounds like he is manipulating you. If you need his recommendations, he could be using that POWER to get what he wants. I strongly urge you to talk with someone about his behavior. It sounds like he has crossed a lot of boundaries and there must be someone within the professional community that you can report him to. Ask your family doctor for help. If you don't have one, use your computer to search within your country as to the appropriate licensing board - he must have some kind of license! Keep us posted.

I agree that you need to have THIS conversation with the T. Four years is a lot of time you've invested in your healing, and I wouldn't want you to leave it on a misunderstanding. Even after the conversation, if you don't feel he will change, as per your request (regardless of whether you were reading him right or not) then you would need to find someone else, as no further therapy can evolve within that relationship, imo.

Yes i don't like it. I will try to speak to him about it and take some personal control.

Thanks guys for your concern.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar male therapist that doing very unethical things like taking me alone to the beach, taking me out to dinner, etc. HE called it "working on my inner child." At that time I was very vulnerable from working through a divorce and some other things I don't feel comfortable sharing...but HE knew the issues.

He was also working without a license and in the state of FL that is a HUGE no-no!!

Once I went to grad school for mental health counseling, I realized how he was totally inappropriate. The state couldn't pull his license since he didn't have one. I started bringing these things to his attention (now mind you I saw him for maybe 5+ years) and the next thing I got was a nasty letter from him saying that I was "a crazy housewife", etc. etc.) That just shattered me.

During grad school I had a session with a prof that I admired so much about the above. This prof who was an excellent therapist said unfortunately that happens all too often and the women are afraid to step forth. He said I certainly had a case against him, but to think carefully. If I brought up a civil suit the T. would go after me with everything he has; his letter showed that.

To add insult to injury, he was touted as a Christian therapist (which is why I went to him in the first place) and was a church elder.

I knew several women in my church who went to him and then abruptly stopped going with no explanation. When I sat in the waiting room, I always noticed that the client coming out, plus the client waiting when I came out, were always women and very attractive women.

Unfortuantely predators exist in any category, but I think one who we trust with our innermost thoughts is one of the worst.

Good luck to you!!

You are in a tough situation because your T is misbehaving in a major way. However, you need letters from him. Can you get the letters from him and talk to him about it if you feel it is safe. I'd consider reporting him. However, a classmate of mine had a T try to escape goat her by trying to give a personality disorder. T's have the power to try to make us sound crazy if they are unethical. This T is definately unethical. You might want to talk with another T about the situation. He/she might be able to help you bring charges if you chose to do so. Also, I suspect that your issues will be dragged out. For me that is what would make me think twice about reporting a bad T.
As for his marital problems, he should be getting help in order to keep that from interfering with his therapuetic relationships. That is part of the code of conduct.
As you can see, a part of me wants you to report him. However, I don't know if I could just because of the power that he has over you. The letters that you need and the information that he knows about you. But, I hope you find a way to figure this out.

If you need documentation from this person, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Do what is in your own best interest for now. If the opportunity arises later on that you can report your concerns about this T, then do so then.

Remember, unfortunately when one is a patient, other doctors tend to take the doctor's word for situations over what a patient says. It takes quite a lot to have a truly unethical doctor removed from practice... more than your concerns.

please tell us EXACTLY what he said for you to see it as "flirting". i'm confused because you changed some of your story from the first post and i think i could help if i knew the exact words. i'm a substance abuse counselor and it is totally in appropriate for a T to flirt. and it's inappropriate for him to talk about his salary. but i'd like to know the exact wording he used. thanks, pat