[pbutton]

All Last week: I had a million things I thought I needed to talk about in therapy. I had trouble organizing all of these things and trying to prioritize them.

Today, 5 hours before my appt: I have nothing to say to that man. I wonder why the hell I am forcing myself to go.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why do I DO this??? I swear this is getting worse and not better.

[Nelliecat]

((((pbutton))))

I don't wanna go either. Soup just told me it for my own good but I don't believe her!!

Want a p rider?

ah, pbutton, need pocket riders like velcro, with pointy sticks to keep jabbing you to make you go? It does get worse before it gets better, I think.

[healed84]

You got this!! You can do it!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why do I DO this??? I swear this is getting worse and not better.

I hear you sister. I ask myself daily why do I keep doing this.

[karebear1]

It does get worse before it gets better, but when it's better.......... it's sooo much better!

Ya know PButton- I'm sure we could all weave some kind of unbelieveable (yet believable) tale for you right here on this thread if you need something to talk about..... just to get ya started I'm sayin'.

[Chopin99]

Sorry pbutton. Would you like me to ride in your pocket? I just ate lunch, so I won't get crumbs in there!

[bazza12]

That's EXACTLY what happens to me, every week. I feel like when I've been away from my T for awhile I have a billion things I need his help with, but when the day comes I'm like, "WHY IS IT TODAY?!". My sessions usually go better than I expect them to, though. So hopefully your's will, too. And actually last week, I ended up telling my T about how I hated going and how I think this is getting worse, and he had a lot of good suggestions on how to help. So maybe try that? Good luck!!

[pbutton]

I can't even respond to anyone about this, but I do appreciate the comments very much. I am just so ....blah right now. I am creating all of this in my head. I can un-create it with T's help. I just need to manage to get myself there.

Blah.

[vanessaG]

I feel ya pbutton! The exact same way! Hang in there! I'll ride in ur pocket too!

[wintergirl]

Before therapy, I swear I was a much more competent and confident adult member of society! It's my T's fault that I've turned into a mess.

Okay, that's not true at all (or I would not have sought out a T in the first place), but sometimes it's fun to say so I have a scapegoat.

I hope the session goes well, pbutton. We're with you.

I've just been sobbing off and on since my last appointment. I blame my T, and therapy in general. Last week, I thought I needed way more than 50 minutes, or maybe even a couple of appointments to get through everything I needed to talk about. This week, I cannot even think what I'm going to talk about other than the fact I need to be able to stop crying.

So, how much longer, pbutton, until therapy? Do I have time to grab a soda for the ride? Will you come with me tomorrow?

[pbutton]

I have to leave work in 35 minutes. UGHHHHHHHHH. I seriously would like to crawl out of my skin right now.

[Unrigged64072835]

I'll ride with you, too. Just hold on and get through it.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I have to leave work in 35 minutes. UGHHHHHHHHH. I seriously would like to crawl out of my skin right now.

I HATE that feeling!

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Ya know PButton- I'm sure we could all weave some kind of unbelieveable (yet believable) tale for you right here on this thread if you need something to talk about..... just to get ya started I'm sayin'.

I'm pretty sure he'd be shocked to hear me tell any full tale all the way through w/out panicking.

[SoupDragon]

Thinking of you pbutton - hope you got there OK - Soup

[mcl6136]

I so feel you on this one. I cannot say anything but that and I am keeping you in my thoughts!

Hugs,

MCL

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I'm pretty sure he'd be shocked to hear me tell any full tale all the way through w/out panicking.

Ahhhhhhhhh! you're a kindred spirit I see!!!

[pbutton]

In the waiting room. Thanks everyone

Thinking of you. Hope it went well. Proud of you for going when it felt so difficult!

[pbutton]

Home. Brain-dead, tired, and totally not sure how I feel about this session. Some good, some bad. I should probably list the good stuff before I annihilate it in my mind.

[sweepy62]

thats how i feel alot i have so much to say past present future and i do make a list but time goes by so quickly and i dont start talking when i go in about important stuff, i chit chat about weather then i think whats the use sometimes but i need to give myself this chance so keep going to t

[pbutton]

The good:
T printed out a "I wear a thousand masks" thingie to read and discuss. I had no 'discuss' in me, but it was something new and different.

We talked about sitting in a different chair. We also talked about wishing I was dead and how I'd like that to stop.

We discussed how my next college called and asked me if I needed help completing my online application. (Uh, hello, COLLEGE. Do you really want me if you have to help me apply? I mean, seriously.) I was slightly afraid he wouldn't think it was funny since he went to this school too, but he got it.

I looked at the clock, T saw and asked me if I was ready to leave. I said no, that I was trying to make sure I actually managed to leave feeling like I accomplished something. He immediately scooted right into CBT and even commented that I'm a thinker so CBT is my comfort zone. Probably the closest I have ever come to asking for specific help and he jumped right in and gave me what I needed.

He said that maybe someday I will even come in and ask him something about himself. I said that I didn't think I was allowed to do that. He said he'd tell me if I had gone too far. I commented that boy didn't THAT sound like it would be uncomfortable and a ton of fun. We had a good laugh.

I also found out that he doesn't save my emails. He was trying to look my last one up on the computer and didn't have it any longer.

I asked him if it felt like I was pushing him away this time. He said no. So I am getting better at that.


The bad

Intimacy. Who the hell knows what he was saying. Intimacy with H, with T. Who even knows. Blah blah, hello resistance.

He said it seems like I think that he can't help me. I said no, I treat him the same crappy way I treat everyone, that it's not personal to him. I think he's reading me wrong here.

He thinks my husband is going to be a 'great boon' to my healing. Yeah, we'll see.

At the end we set up my next appt and when I commented that I didn't think I could have 3:30 appts every 2 weeks he said something about he has a guy who has to get added in for 4:30's... and that he doesn't have many kids right now, and the 3:30s are mostly for kids. I didn't want to know either of these things - I've never been offered a 4:30 and now I feel like I'm taking appointments away from troubled children. Ack.

I didn't talk about the back-patting thing.

I talked too much about work.

We talked again about meds and I chickened out.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>> Hello resistance.

Well, maybe, but that's OK hello trying hard, hello giving you what you need right away; hello feeling heard. I think you did well. Hello progress!! Hello encouragement!