[kitten16]

I've seen my new T twice now. He's the most promising T I've seen in years. I have high hopes for our relationship, so I don't want to mess anything up by coming off like a b!tch (which I know I can do sometimes)!

The pros so far:

He seems to get me. He understands how dysfunctional and damaging my family was. He didn't minimize that, or reject my interpretation of it, as other Ts have done.

He said he admired my courage and strength. He said it was amazing that I'm doing as well as I am, given what I went through in my family. And I got the feeling he meant it - and wasn't just feeding me something in order to build me up.

He makes notes occasionally, which makes me feel like what I'm telling him is important.

Okay, the cons, and I'd like your input on this:

He's a bit fixy. He's insisting that I bring up a certain subject with my husband that I'm not ready to talk about. He phrases things in directives, like, "You need to tell him that..." I don't like being given instructions right out of the gate. At two sessions in, he has some grasp of my situation - but he doesn't know me well enough to know what's good for me just yet.

He coughs a lot. Like, a lot. I'm finding it very distracting, especially when he does it as I'm talking. Neither of us can hear what I'm saying when he's coughing over my voice. I want to reach over and strangle him when he does that, but so far I haven't

He asked me to download a 40-question form from his website and fill it out. Last session, as we were talking, I realized he didn't know some basic facts about me that I had explained on paper. So I asked him if he'd read my responses to his questionnaire, and he said, "No, I haven't." Wrong answer, dude!

He finishes my sentences. It's funny, because he ALWAYS gets it wrong.

He mirrors me physically, which drives me nuts. I'm going to ask him to stop doing it because I find it very distracting and therapisty.

He talks a lot about his great boundaries that he has. "I have really good boundaries!" I mean the guy is innocent until proven guilty. But why would he think this is an issue of mine? I told him about my former Evil T a bit, but didn't place especial emphasis on the guy's not having had great boundaries.

He still feels a need to establish himself. He mentioned the fact that he supervises other therapists, and I got the distinct impression that he expected me to go, "Oh wow," internally.

Am I being too hard on the guy? It's early days yet. He's the best thing I've seen in a long time, so I don't want to jinx this by charging out of the gate with a ton of criticisms for him.

One other positive - he didn't hug me this time. We had been talking about my pervy father, who didn't exactly abuse me, but he had some weird sexual issues around me and did and said plenty of inappropriate things. So I thought he demonstrated some sensitivity by not reaching for the hug as I was leaving. He did pat me on the shoulder though.

What's your gut feeling about this guy so far? I'd be interested...

[pbutton]

I hate this guy. I can't help it.

I cannot, under any circumstance, imagine my T trying to finish one of my sentences. He would wait an eternity for me to finish. Or he'd at least wait until I indicated that I needed help. Same thing for the "fixy".

[Chopin99]

I'd give the guy a chance because he has some really great "pros". The "cons" you listed make him out to be a weird person to me...but working in the mental health field myself, I will tell you one must be weird to work in MH. I'm quite weird myself. As my boss will say, "You're normal? That means you're boring and I don't want to talk to you. You're weird? Hell yes, come on in, you'll fit in just fine here!"

All three of the T's I've seen have been a bit "off". First one was really strange, second one was the closest to normal, and my current one is like me...right in the middle of the weird spectrum.

Id give hime a couple more chances just to see if things get better

[mcl6136]

He sounds like a fussy, overcontrolling consumptive.

Well, you asked.

Keep on posting.... we are rooting for you, when we're not throwing stuff at the candidate.

I'd give it some time. The cough may be a temporary thing. Call him on the finishing your sentences and the directives. See how he works with that.

[kitten16]

Thanks for your replies!

On his web site it says something about him spearheading an IBS/Colitis support group. I assumed he has one of these digestive diseases - I wonder if the coughing is a symptom?

[mcl6136]

In all seriousness, I'd agree with Chris. The cough does NOT sound like TB to me....though I don't have an MD degree.

The whole thing about him saying he has great boundaries could be more to reassure you...trying to set you at ease. Something to consider alongside my snide.

My T can be a little fixy NOW, a year and a half into the relationship. Like I'll be whining about something about my husband, and he'll go, "JUST TELL him that!" Usually, I'll answer, "I DID TELL HIM that. How long have you known me?" And then we laugh. However, in the first six months, he rarely tried to fix anything without me asking, "what do I do about that exactly?" He'd say something profound, and I could tell he was all proud of how insightful he was being, and I'd be like, "yeah, whatever, but what do I DO about it?" He'd look kinda of rueful or half embarrassed and then be practical with me.

I would say that seeing me is not good for my T's ego, but for the fact that I adore him and he knows it. LOL.

[kitten16]

I'm jealous!

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My T can be a little fixy NOW, a year and a half into the relationship. Like I'll be whining about something about my husband, and he'll go, "JUST TELL him that!" Usually, I'll answer, "I DID TELL HIM that. How long have you known me?" And then we laugh. However, in the first six months, he rarely tried to fix anything without me asking, "what do I do about that exactly?" He'd say something profound, and I could tell he was all proud of how insightful he was being, and I'd be like, "yeah, whatever, but what do I DO about it?" He'd look kinda of rueful or half embarrassed and then be practical with me.

I would say that seeing me is not good for my T's ego, but for the fact that I adore him and he knows it. LOL.

Also, he has already shown his ability to adapt by not trying to hug you today. That is good perception on his part. Sometimes we have to cut people a bit of slack on the little things if the positive qualities are strong.

Relationships can develop in time. I've had to really work on my T not to leave those huge long silences waiting for me to speak. I'm pretty adept at silence and it irritates me when he tries that technique because it's one I use in court and depositions a lot.

You may just need some time to adjust to each other. Definitely tell him about the interrupting thing - no one needs to finish your sentences. Oh, and my husband gets a weird cough in the winter. Maybe it's just a temporary thing.

[pbutton]

Aha. The positive qualities that you gave are the type of emotional validation stuff that I always want to discourage from my T. No wonder I hate this guy. You probably should disregard my opinion.

The note-taking thing is kinda cool though.

[kitten16]

pbutton, tell me more about why the emotional validation/ego stroking/praise thing is suspect for you.

I mean it made me feel a bit manipulated, but I was enjoying it so much! Like I was getting a vaccination shot, but the nurse gave me a teddy bear and a sugar cookie at the same time, so I didn't care

Originally Posted by pbutton

Aha. The positive qualities that you gave are the type of emotional validation stuff that I always want to discourage from my T. No wonder I hate this guy. You probably should disregard my opinion.

The note-taking thing is kinda cool though.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by kitten16

pbutton, tell me more about why the emotional validation/ego stroking/praise thing is suspect for you.

I mean it made me feel a bit manipulated, but I was enjoying it so much! Like I was getting a vaccination shot, but the nurse gave me a teddy bear and a sugar cookie at the same time, so I didn't care

It's probably perfectly fine, but such a big trigger specifically for me. I do NOT want any type of praise from T. Any type of pride or admiration from an older male or authority figure and I go batshit. I do not do anything that I do to make him pleased or proud of me. Everything I do, I am doing for ME. I get so super grossed out. It's got to be some kind of CSA remnant, but I can't quite fit this puzzle piece into place. I can't even explain how strongly I hate this. You'd have to have been there the day T told me he liked working with me... and I wanted to growl and rip out his throat with my teeth. I can't even type that it should have been fine because it feels THAT SUPER EXTRA MEGA NOT FINE to me.

So uh, yeah, to answer your question, totally my deal and my weird hangup. This is why I am not a good consultant on this one.

[likelife]

Proclaiming that he has good boundaries seems a little odd to me. I would think that would be the kind of thing he would demonstrate, not pronounce. Sort of a "thou dost protest too much" kind of thing.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by likelife

Proclaiming that he has good boundaries seems a little odd to me. I would think that would be the kind of thing he would demonstrate, not pronounce. Sort of a "thou dost protest too much" kind of thing.

so interesting cause I saw this as a positive....just goes to show that it takes all kinds (that's my mantra these days in case anyone cares).

[PreacherHeckler]

I think his proclamation of good boundaries is at odds with his behavior. I think a T with good boundaries would have restrained his urge to hug you on your first visit, but maybe it's just me. I never hug a T on our first date. I always save myself for transference.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by pbutton

Aha. The positive qualities that you gave are the type of emotional validation stuff that I always want to discourage from my T. No wonder I hate this guy. You probably should disregard my opinion.

I know what you mean. That creeps me out when they try to do it to me too. I particularly hate when they tell you you did something right or, god help them that they are proud of you. I am always like who the ef are you to tell me it was good? Etc. Efing get away from me.
At first my hugely negative reaction, after she had wilfully ignored my more gentle sarcasm to dissuade her, she persisted thereby leading me into rage, she was taken aback.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I think his proclamation of good boundaries is at odds with his behavior. I think a T with good boundaries would have restrained his urge to hug you on your first visit, but maybe it's just me. I never hug a T on our first date. I always save myself for transference.

Preach on, Preacher! Or Heckle on!

[kitten16]

LOL!

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I think his proclamation of good boundaries is at odds with his behavior. I think a T with good boundaries would have restrained his urge to hug you on your first visit, but maybe it's just me. I never hug a T on our first date. I always save myself for transference.