I'm having a rough time handling everything in my life. It is a tough time, but it's also been a tough time for a while. I've alienated friends, retreated more into my shell, and I know that I could/should do more to help myself. But it's just so hard and sometimes I don't feel like I can function in this world and then suicidal thoughts creep in because I feel like I'll never be able to be happy in my life. I feel so broken and have lost faith.

And I'm leaning quite a bit on my T through this and I'm not sure if this is good for several reasons. First, I don't want to push her away. Second, is she a false sense of security? We are close and I also know that our relationship is bounded in time (while we work together) and space (her office, occasional phone calls, more frequent emails). Am I trying hard enough without her help?

I feel embarrassed and needy toward my T and in general. When will my life turn around? I am trying and I don't want my T to think I'm not. Or am I trying? I just get so upset and overwhelmed... and I don't even feel like I can express myself here. I feel like I'm better when trying to help someone else, but when it comes to myself, I'm all vague and close up.

[healed84]

((((eastcoaster))) I really know how you feel. I wish I had some insight for you.. just some hugs!

[precious things]

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I think in times like these you need to put aside worries of leaning too heavily on your t and just do what you can to get you through...if being more dependent on your t is keeping you from spiraling then you should embrace that connection.

[vanessaG]

I'm sorry your having such a hard time figh now. I have felt that way with my T.
I mean I'm thinking if your T knows how bad it is for you at the present time, more reliance on you T is to be expected?
IMO if that's what you need to get through then try and use it. Maybe when you start feeling better you can not rely on T so much if your scared of having that?

I hope u feel better soon... (((hugs)))

Thanks everyone for your words and hugs.

Originally Posted by precious things

I am sorry you are struggling so much. I think in times like these you need to put aside worries of leaning too heavily on your t and just do what you can to get you through...if being more dependent on your t is keeping you from spiraling then you should embrace that connection.

Right now I'm kind of worried because I called her almost 2 hours ago and she always gets back to me more quickly than this - even just a text to say that she'll call at x time. And, usually she's finished at the office by now and calls on her way home. But she also told me that she will always call back. I just get scared that this will change.

Originally Posted by vanessaG

I'm sorry your having such a hard time figh now. I have felt that way with my T.
I mean I'm thinking if your T knows how bad it is for you at the present time, more reliance on you T is to be expected?
IMO if that's what you need to get through then try and use it. Maybe when you start feeling better you can not rely on T so much if your scared of having that?

I hope u feel better soon... (((hugs)))

I just have difficulties determining when I feel better. I'm "better" for a few days, but then fall down again... Or was I ever better? I'm just so confused and out of sorts and want to give up.

[Chopin99]

My T is trying to teach me to "have needs" while still being able to stand on my own. It's a fine balance (more like a high-wire). You know I'd love nothing more than to have T hold me for an entire session. However, that is not what is really best for me; she knows it and I know it. It's hard.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

My T is trying to teach me to "have needs" while still being able to stand on my own. It's a fine balance (more like a high-wire). You know I'd love nothing more than to have T hold me for an entire session. However, that is not what is really best for me; she knows it and I know it. It's hard.

Thanks, Chopin. It is absolutely a high wire... The suicidal feelings sometimes come too easily for me (or what seems that way) and that's when I get scared - when I feel hopeless about everything. On a good day, I know that her holding me for an entire session isn't the best thing, but the rest of the time I want this and think it'd magically make things better...

She called back - a little later than usual, but she did and she was very calming. She was patient, didn't open up with "Why are you calling?" (not that she ever does, but I get scared that I'm bothering her). We talked for 15 mins and she asked at the end if I was feeling better and if it was helpful. It was. Like precious things said, for now I'm not going to second guess calling her, just accept that this is what I needed and accept it.

[likelife]

I'm glad your T called back and that you feel better as a result. Not second guessing leaning on her sounds like a good plan - if you're already feeling down, you don't really need additional things to worry about.

When I went through a particularly dark time last year, I found myself leaning on my therapist a lot more. I don't ever call her, but I probably called her 1-2 times per week during that period. She reassured me that it wasn't too much, and that she knew that when I was feeling better I would feel less of a need to contact her. I don't know that I believed her at the time (the tunnel of suicidal thoughts can really do that to you), but she was right.

[student646]

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

I'm having a rough time handling everything in my life. It is a tough time, but it's also been a tough time for a while. I've alienated friends, retreated more into my shell, and I know that I could/should do more to help myself. But it's just so hard and sometimes I don't feel like I can function in this world and then suicidal thoughts creep in because I feel like I'll never be able to be happy in my life. I feel so broken and have lost faith.

For me, the scariest part of this sentence is the "alienating friends" bit. It sounds like cutting off support is one of the worst things that you can do for yourself right now and is probably making you want to strongly lean on your T. I can understand it though.

And I'm leaning quite a bit on my T through this and I'm not sure if this is good for several reasons. First, I don't want to push her away. Second, is she a false sense of security? We are close and I also know that our relationship is bounded in time (while we work together) and space (her office, occasional phone calls, more frequent emails). Am I trying hard enough without her help?

She is a lifeline, and that is okay. I don't think that it is a false sense of security, while friends sometimes are. I have read your other posts about wanting your T to be your mom so I am curious - would you try as hard to help yourself if you couldn't tell her about it? Are you helping yourself for her benefit? Sometimes I feel like I make healthy choices purely so I can tell her/others that I made those healthy choices. She may set boundaries with you but I feel like T's are, except in extreme circumstances, unconditional support - which is something that we with the messed up families fall into very quickly.

I feel embarrassed and needy toward my T and in general. When will my life turn around? I am trying and I don't want my T to think I'm not. Or am I trying? I just get so upset and overwhelmed... and I don't even feel like I can express myself here. I feel like I'm better when trying to help someone else, but when it comes to myself, I'm all vague and close up.

To me, this paragraph bleeds confusion and desperation. I am very sorry that whatever is going on in your life is making you feel this way. I often feel more grounded when I am helping someone else out as well - sometimes it reminds me to see beyond the immediate troubles. When it comes to myself, I keep changing my mind about what motivates my behavior.