[learning1]

I don't think this is an issue for most people because most people's t's encourage them to keep going to therapy. But if you're not sure whether you're done, and your t doesn't know either, how can one know whether one has a legitimate reason to be in therapy, or if therapy is just a way of avoiding things in real life?

Thanks

[growlycat]

I worry about this too. I have been going for many many many years thankfully with the same T and I've learned a lot but I can never picture myself ending therapy.

I can't see the day where I'll run out of issues to deal with. I can't see the day where I have fully "internalized" my T--I need a warm body to go with that advice, not just an echo in my head!

My T does not let me talk about "someday" ("I don't plan on retiring") or what-if (I'm healthier than you are what makes you think I'll die first? ...Umm, I'm a female who is 20 yrs younger, chances are in my favor) He thinks it would be encouraging past feelings of abandonment and loss unnecessarily and just feeds my fears.

Can't wait to see what others say on this-good topic!

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I worry about this too. I have been going for many many many years thankfully with the same T and I've learned a lot but I can never picture myself ending therapy.

I can't see the day where I'll run out of issues to deal with. I can't see the day where I have fully "internalized" my T--I need a warm body to go with that advice, not just an echo in my head!

My T does not let me talk about "someday" ("I don't plan on retiring") or what-if (I'm healthier than you are what makes you think I'll die first? ...Umm, I'm a female who is 20 yrs younger, chances are in my favor) He thinks it would be encouraging past feelings of abandonment and loss unnecessarily and just feeds my fears.

Can't wait to see what others say on this-good topic!

Wow, I would freak out if my T didn't let me talk about "someday." I think that not preparing you for "someday" leaves you much more vulnerable to both abandonment and loss because, healthy or not, no one can predict the future. Your T may have no intentions of retiring or dying but I think your T does you a disservice by discouraging any discussion about what life might be like without him. It's true that we will always have things we can learn about ourselves or work on, but if your T is the only person you ever feel safe with, or the only person you ever feel comfortable enough with to talk about problems, the loss will be magnified greatly if his plans to outlive you or to never retire don't quite work out the way he expects them to. In my opinion, facing your fears of loss and abandonment, and working through them in therapy, is a much healthier choice than feeding into your T's apparent belief that he has so much control over his life and his fate that he can predict his future and yours also.

[tohelpafriend]

This is an issue I face also..possibly becoming too dependent on my T and all the history and disclosures seem too many to entrust to one person. Although we have not yet discussed ending therapy, we are down to once a month.

Loyalty and trust have recently been challenged in our therapeutic relationship because of administrative failures. I'm ready to move on and pick up if necessary in the future. I want T to end on an up note. I think I've become dependent on the routine.
I need to spread my wings, exercise power and conquer my fears.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

Wow, I would freak out if my T didn't let me talk about "someday." I think that not preparing you for "someday" leaves you much more vulnerable to both abandonment and loss because, healthy or not, no one can predict the future. Your T may have no intentions of retiring or dying but I think your T does you a disservice by discouraging any discussion about what life might be like without him. It's true that we will always have things we can learn about ourselves or work on, but if your T is the only person you ever feel safe with, or the only person you ever feel comfortable enough with to talk about problems, the loss will be magnified greatly if his plans to outlive you or to never retire don't quite work out the way he expects them to. In my opinion, facing your fears of loss and abandonment, and working through them in therapy, is a much healthier choice than feeding into your T's apparent belief that he has so much control over his life and his fate that he can predict his future and yours also.

Oh, I do absolutely agree with you!! This is not helping me prepare for the obvious--one way or another I will lose him!! I have tried to talk to him about it--maybe he is in denial about his own mortality!!! All he will say is that his loss would be sad but I would be "fine". I don't believe that for a second.

If anyone knows how to force the issue with a T let me know how!!

[Wren_]

This is something I've wondered about also, really from the first session. But maybe we need to break the question down and ask some more questions to get direction? As in, thinking about things like what exactly are we dependent on? is some level of dependence a good thing? how do we ever define too much? have we ever had relationships that are safe before and healthy where some level of dependency has existed?

Are you achieving things as a result of therapy that weren't possible before? Are you able to think more clearly?
Or, are you unable to function unless T tells you exactly what to do, when to do it and how to do it (now that could be a good sign of too dependent)

From all I've seen of what you've shared; I have no sense that you are in anyway too dependent on therapy

[Perna]

Therapy is a personal choice for one's self, like going to college or applying for a specific job, etc. There are no more or less "legitimate" reasons for being in therapy other than you personally believe it would be of help to you to discuss your thoughts/feelings/behavior with a therapist. Your therapist can't know when you are "done" because you are the one consulting them; they can have a clue whether they feel they can help you any more or not but not whether you find talking to them helpful.

I was in therapy for all but 10 years between ages 20 and 55 and would do it all again. I was not "dependent" on therapy but I found it helpful and what I wanted to do with my time and money.

[SoupDragon]

I wonder if T's find it hard to let go of us?

Originally Posted by learning1

I don't think this is an issue for most people because most people's t's encourage them to keep going to therapy. But if you're not sure whether you're done, and your t doesn't know either, how can one know whether one has a legitimate reason to be in therapy, or if therapy is just a way of avoiding things in real life?

Thanks

Therapy isn't like alcohol/drug dependency, it doesn't destroy you, it destroys the mental defences, but that's a positive, it enables the real self to be reclaimed. So I think the word dependency and addicted to therapy are incorrect words to use when describing that grabbing at something good.

[tohelpafriend]

I was not really dependent on therapy, but realized this week after four years, when my T took the defensive over my being assertive over asking how to get my record, she hurled all sorts of accusations at me,,,"you're too regimented"...."you're dripping with anger"....."Do you do this with all your relationships? I realized my assertiveness was an upset to the balance of power,....she assumed more power and I am done with paying to be insulted. They cut off my meds anyway when I reported a serious side effect and put me under duress to scramble to find a Dr....a series of tumultuous events ensued with the final realization that that source of "help" in my life is just not good anymore. When events start working against one, there has to be a searchable cause...I'm having A meeting with them, collect my record, and it's adios, folks.

[Rosie23]

I avoid being dependent on anyone. The thought of needing someone in that way scares the heck out of me. Of course I admit that is probably an issue I have from childhood abuse and other things.

I use a T as a tool to help me cope better on my own so I don't go very often. I am just more comfortable with self help.

Originally Posted by Rosie23

I use a T as a tool to help me cope better on my own so I don't go very often. I am just more comfortable with self help.

Thats a contridiction isn't it? you need a T to help you be comfortable with self help? :s

[CantExplain]

None of the Ts I've spoken to ever admitted that therapy might be "addictive", but it has often seemed that way to me.

[Bella01]

Soupdragon, that is what I'm thinking. Can t let me fly on my own? Sometimes I think that he wants me to be with him until retirement. He has mention that a couple of times. "We have until I reitire".

Does he need me as much as I need him?

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Bella01

Soupdragon, that is what I'm thinking. Can t let me fly on my own? Sometimes I think that he wants me to be with him until retirement. He has mention that a couple of times. "We have until I reitire".

Does he need me as much as I need him?

And if our T's do, is there a risk of them subconsciously, making us believe we are dependent?

I can imagine moving on can be painful for both client and T (unless they are completely cold, or a robot, or exist purely in our imagination).

[crazycanbegood]

I've just accepted I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life, off and on. It is my goal though that at some point soon I can get through my childhood issues and just work on my identity, relationship, anxiety, stress, etc issues.

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

I've just accepted I'll be in therapy for the rest of my life, off and on. It is my goal though that at some point soon I can get through my childhood issues and just work on my identity, relationship, anxiety, stress, etc issues.

The problem with thinking we can do these things in some sort of linear, one-thing-at-a-time process, is that all the issues you mention are generally interrelated. Childhood issues impact our identity and relationships, and our relationships can trigger childhood issues, and all those things can trigger anxiety and stress -- so a skilled therapist will help us work on these things simultaneously by encouraging steps toward less dependence on the therapist and more dependence on other relationships. A therapist who tries to push patients "out of the nest" without helping us learn how to establish healthier relationships while we're still in treatment isn't any better than a therapist who is content to allow patients to stay in treatment forever without evidence of growth and change.
I'm not saying your T is at either extreme, CCBG. Just saying that all these issues overlap and impact each other, so they can't be effectively treated in a linear fashion that will allow you to work through your childhood issues before you tackle relationship and identity issues.

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

The problem with thinking we can do these things in some sort of linear, one-thing-at-a-time process, is that all the issues you mention are generally interrelated. Childhood issues impact our identity and relationships, and our relationships can trigger childhood issues, and all those things can trigger anxiety and stress -- so a skilled therapist will help us work on these things simultaneously by encouraging steps toward less dependence on the therapist and more dependence on other relationships. A therapist who tries to push patients "out of the nest" without helping us learn how to establish healthier relationships while we're still in treatment isn't any better than a therapist who is content to allow patients to stay in treatment forever without evidence of growth and change.
I'm not saying your T is at either extreme, CCBG. Just saying that all these issues overlap and impact each other, so they can't be effectively treated in a linear fashion that will allow you to work through your childhood issues before you tackle relationship and identity issues.

We are working on them all simultaneously but I have only made progress on the relationship and identity front. I have chosen to ignore the deep pain from my childhood, other than a few not as disturbing issues, despite her prodding. I hope to overcome the childhood stuff enough so that I don't have nightmares, panic attacks, and flashbacks concerning them. I do understand my issues are all interrelated.

[PreacherHeckler]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

We are working on them all simultaneously but I have only made progress on the relationship and identity front. I have chosen to ignore the deep pain from my childhood, other than a few not as disturbing issues, despite her prodding. I hope to overcome the childhood stuff enough so that I don't have nightmares, panic attacks, and flashbacks concerning them. I do understand my issues are all interrelated.

If you have chosen to ignore the deep pain from your childhood, how do you hope to overcome it by ignoring it?

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

If you have chosen to ignore the deep pain from your childhood, how do you hope to overcome it by ignoring it?

Ah, that's what we've been talking about over the past week, as I realized I hadn't given her the details of the most horrifying experience that replays in my nightmares. I tend to just say things like, my father was abusive to my mother and not go further with details. "My father was an alcoholic. I hated that....I wish I had more friends." "Do you want to say more, Crazy?" "About? I mean, if I had more friends I wouldn't feel so lonely." "No, about your dad." "uh, not really. I don't want to get upset."