Parts

I have just been discussing with my partner and my T how I feel like I have a switch--that there are two fundamentally different me's with different behaviors, yes, but also with different assumptions about the way the world and people are.

Sometimes, when I get stressed or feel threatened, I switch to cornered animal/bully mode, and all bets are off. Compassion for myself and others, tolerance, patience, kindness fly out the window. I say things I later regret. I don't find this happening really with people whose relationships I value.

I don't feel like either one is any less "me," but they certainly feel like people distinct from one another. But maybe that's because I'm kinda partial to the buddhist notion of the self at the bottom being no one.

I guess I'm easily confused on this issue, because my "parts" are so very separate. I accept responsibility for all of my actions, but for someone to just dismiss the possibility that the human brain can completely separate out parts, is ill informed.

Just to tell you my experience, when I was five years old, I couldn't find my tennis shoes. My mother decided she was going to lock me in my room and beat me every 15 minutes until I found the shoes. She would set the timer for 15 minutes and then leave the room to let me look for the shoes. But, I couldn't find those damn shoes anywhere in the room. So, instead of looking, after a while, I was just totally panicked and wedged myself in a tiny area next to the dresser and sobbed. After a few minutes of that, I felt a tearing --- kind of a weird, sucking, tearing sensation in my head. Suddenly, there was a new voice in my head with me telling me to get off my a-s-s and start looking for the g.d. shoes before I got us both beaten. So, I'm crying and sobbing and crawling across the floor, but at least I was moving and looking for the shoes.

So, please don't be so dismissive of the possibility that some of us really do have a five year old kid trapped in our head, or a foul mouthed, abusive s.o.b. constantly berating us trapped in our heads.

Ellie, I see your point and had the same opinion until just recently. I think both are right actually, just said different ways. and while one thing can be helpful for one person it can be harmful for another. Such as the idea of fragmenting self promoting it. That may be true for some.. but it may be helpful for some, as no one is created alike or responds the same way.

Mykidsarecool, I'm so sorry that happened to you and that you are going through what you are because of it.

My T said that this dissociation of parts exists on a spectrum. Some have it more mildly than others. For me, he said they are not seperate 'personalities' so to speak but just seperate parts of the same me. He described it as a ball that along the way has gotten cracked or 'divided' but not completely seperated because they are all held together at the core...they just dont fit well together anymore. Anyway one part can get moving (or two or three) and make the whole ball roll. His example for me was the part of me that wanted me dead. Something relatively "small" will happen that will cause the part of me to go hopeless which will fuel the self hatred part which will roll the ball towards suicide. The goal he said, is to bring them back together to get me working as a whole instead of against myself.

Hope that makes sense to someone.

The "parts" thing, to me, is just another one of those theories that sound great and make sense in theory, but is rediculous in reality (a bit like those "work from home" scams, lol). But that's just me ofcourse - many people swear by it and it has helped them a lot. I struggle to identify with it myself - there is only one "blob" in my conscious, and that blob is me as I am here, today. That "blob" was childlike when I was a child, and as i became more mature, so too did the blob. There are no remnants of my childlike blob - they disappeared when I matured. There is no scared blob, or defender-type blob or anything like that. There is one blob. One and only one.

It makes me wonder if maybe some people are just really good at compartmentalization, for whatever reason. That would explain why I can't really empathize with them - because I am just one cohesive entity. But maybe other people use compartmentalization to make life more manageable, and perhaps only have to deal with one manageable thing at a time (instead of loads of conflicting emotions at once in a big chaotic heap). This would be a handy skill to have. I will look into this.

But do you hear different voices in your head telling you what you should be doing at different times? I don't think I mean an altered sense of perception (or do I lack insight) but just my own voice I guess telling me how awful I am, telling me to harm myself or conversely calming me and telling me it is Ok I can do x,y,z, don't listen to that other stuff, etc... - where do these come from? Is this what everyone experiences? How can 1 solid "me" have such different opinions about things.

This broke my heart...mother used to send me on *looking games* a lot too...
and Ive had a 7 yr old pop in out of nowhere and she is NOT like me...she is 7, shes terrified. she is always shaking and crying..
I mean I know its "me" but..its just not the regular me and I cant control when shes out...
Thanks for sharing this...Im so incredibly sorry you had to do that hun, nobody should have to deal with such abuse.

I dont hear voices...but I do things that are totally out of character for regular me. Ive tried to explain this before..its like liking tuna fish and suddnely hating it and sudddenly thinking its disgusting and then u go back to tuna fish again a few days later. Only instead of tuna fish....its everything you believe, and your actions and the way you dress...poticial views..just everything...
and it makes no sense. When you get back....you cant relate to what is essentially "yourself"....I have been struggling with these things for a long time, I dont know what it is..but its so hard and terribly terribly confusing.

I have pretty much a constant narrative in my head checking things out and telling me what to do next - I assume they are just regular thoughts, but it is impossible to really know someone elses experience isn't it?

I have been described as fickle in the past, I can jump from one thing to another and sometimes my views will change about something and I am not sure why that has happened.

It really feels like my head is trying so hard to work this out for itself and I am feeling exhausted - I am trying to think what my T would say to me if I was churning out all these thoughts and confusions right now - and I think he would ask me to notice my body, what was happening in it, any sensations, what they looked like etc...so think I need to do that now.

Parts vs No parts

Ultimately I guess we will all accept that which fits best for us and helps explain our experience to us and gives us a direction to work towards in achievieng whatever goals we have.

Soup

I hope you can find some peace soon, Soup. AND, as always, "talk to your therapist about it!"

I'm sorry that all this "parts" business is causing you pain and confusion. I know how that is because I overthink and obsess about things too. I want the definitive answer to things, when often there ISN'T ANY!!!

My T says not to figure things out. It's good advice when your head is spinning, I think. What matters is your getting better, not whether accepting parts is right or wrong. I agree that your T is the one to help you with your questions and concerns about it.

rainbow- I've been told that by my T as well, in fact it was about parts. He told me to not try to change them or figure them out right now, just take notice of them.

soup- I completely relate to all the voices in the head thing. I've often wondered also if I was going crazy and was just in denial, but like you said they aren't external. My T used to call them "the committee." Haven't heard him use that term in awhile, but that's exactly what it's like. And unfortunately, the committee has very conflicting opinions on things! I hope you find the answers that work best for you.

Thank-you rainbow - it is hard not knowing - even as a kid I HAD to know the answers to things, was brilliant at maths as there was an answer to work out and I always did regardless of how long it took. But yes trying to chill a bit now and stop that spin - I see T tomorrow so not long to wait.

Thanks beautifuldisaster - glad I am not the only one with that head stuff - lol committee is a good description - I told T mine was meeting behind closed doors the other week - I knew stuff was going on up there but I was not party to it - like it was going on behind a huge oak door.

Things were so much calmer for me a couple of weeks ago, now whoosh - it has all started up again.

Soup